Should I write him or drop it?

[guapa]

This guy, call him O, and I were expressing interest in each other last fall for a while... it was very cyber based, writing long funny emails to each other. We were so busy we could never find a chance to meet up. When we did we ended up making out passionately at afterwards he backed off saying that he realized he didn't want a relationship. He took much longer to reply to emails at that time. He'd been in one for five years with this girl who is going to graduate school in a different state and it seemed like it was still in it's ending phases or something. He said he wanted to be friends, but even that was hard because he wouldn't really respond to emails and he confessed to me that he had hurt a lot of his friends because he was so busy (in medical school). Basically, I wrote him and said that I didn't want to keep the same contact anymore because it hurt when he didn't write back and he said o.k.

 

Last night I saw him at a party and I walked away not knowing how to confront the situation and he came up to me and said hi, we hugged and he just stood there next to me waiting for me to say something and I just turned and talked to my friends, not looking him in the face and he walked away. I was so shy, I didn't know how to be natural about it. I subsequently left without seeing him or saying goodbye because I'd made plans with other friends.

 

Should I write him and say something at all? If I do, what do you think I should say? I like him of course, he is very cute and funny, our personalities do work pretty well together...

[Scout]

My take on this is that the first time around with this guy, you realized you were making all the effort to keep a connection going. And you also made the difficult, but in my opinion, wise decision to eventually walk away from the situation since you were getting zero back from him.

 

Now, you've seen him again, some feelings have been stirred up, and you're basically wondering if you should once again be the first to reach out and revive the connection.

 

Hmmm...the first time, this didn't pan, did it? And you're wondering if he'd be more receptive now to a connection. I'll tell you the foolproof way to find out: sit back and do nothing. If he contacts you after seeing you, and what's more, sustains contact, you have your answer. If he doesn't - you also have the answer that if you had made the first move, you would have encountered the same frustration all over again.

 

Trust me - there are other guys out there that are really cute and have great personalities, and what's more, will reciprocate an interest in you. They're a little harder to find, so you have to make sure you keep putting yourself out there and have patience you'll find them. Of course, if your emotional energy is focused on someone who is not making himself available, you're going to have a really hard time finding someone who is.

 

So, I'd say...let go of the idea of this guy, because he did not live up to his early impression.

[guapa]

yeah- you're right. i'm going to drop it.

 

Thanks for the advice!

[guapa]

but do you think i was kind of rude, tho? do you think someone would even bother to contact someone after what i did?

 

i didn't even give him a chance really.

[Scout]

No, you weren't rude at all. In fact, you graciously and warmly greeted him. And based on his actions and words before - which clearly stated he was not available - you then did not pursue further conversation. Basically, you were consistent with your original decision to walk away from someone who was not available.

 

You were not at the party to be with him, you were at the party to socialize and talk with your friends - people who have not told you that they don't have time for you. You did the right thing and focused your attention on those people.

 

If he wants to resume something with you, he will clearly recognize he has much work to do to make up for his prior lack of interest. If he doesn't contact you, try not to take it too personally. We can't always be certain why someone doesn't reciprocate our feelings, and sometimes must just conclude that despite we did the best we could, put our own best foot forward, made a genuine effort, etc., the results did not pan out the way we hoped. And there comes a point where we have to accept that and move on to other opportunities and people.

 

You behaved well the first time you spent time with this guy, and you behaved just fine - and appropriately - at the party. It's natural to second-guess it a little, but to me it seems you acted the way someone with good self-esteem would act - you did not chase him and you resumed your attention to the people who are genuinely your friends. Good work.

[HajiMaji]

Im gonna be honest, I wouldnt drop it. I would contact him and let him know why you were the way you were. Ya never know what his agenda is. Maybe he feels bad from before. Maybe hed like to start talking to you again, but for real this time.

 

But maybe its the same stuff. My advice is - if you can have a strong head, call or email the guy. If he isnt wishy washy and has changed - go ahead and talk to him and who knows. If its the same ole, leave it be.

 

Just make sure you are definitive and have a strong mind before you do so. It couldnt hurt.

[guapa]

Well- thank you for your advice. Honestly, mentally I agree more with Scout, emotionally more with HajiMaji, but mostly because he seemed so friendly and waited there to talk to me and I blew him off. He might have thought we'd have another opportunity to chat, but I left the party when he was in another part of the party... but yes, Scout is probably right; he should figure the reason why I didn't really pursue conversation- and that if he wanted to talk he should work a bit harder.

 

before scout's second posting i sent him a two sentence email saying "hey- i hope you had fun at the party last night! it was good to see you for a brief moment last night, sorry if i was kind of rude, was just absorbed in getting the details on where an event was to be held last night. peace, guapa"

 

not too bad and not too revealing, and i feel that it kind of combines both of your advice. if he is interested he'll write back. if he isn't he'll ignore it. and either way, i know i'll be o.k. with it...

[patience]

why are you using email instead of picking up the phone?

[guapa]

i deleted his phone number way back then.

 

and i guess i think it's easier for someone to ignore me if i write an email. i might have his phone number stored away in one of his emails to me but i think it's less intrusive to send an email than to call, don't you think?

[HajiMaji]

I think what ya did will work out perfectly.