9 year relationship now over...

[bozman44]

Hello All:

 

I stumbled accross this website while looking for help and answers. I'm glad I did. I've read many of the posts, and although, I've never posted anything ever before, I need to tell my story and get some support.

 

Long read, be bare with me....

 

Let me give you some background. I started dating, I'll call her "Marie", while actually still married to my wife, who I was married to for 4 years. Things were not good in my marriage. I did not love my wife and I did not want to be with her. My wife have many issues, that I will not discuss, and I just wanted to be with someone I wanted to be with. I knew Marie for about 2 years, since we worked together (I actually hired her). The company had many locations so sometimes we worked together at the same place and sometimes not over those 2 years. I began to take an interest in her when she was finally transferred to my location permanately in the beginning of 1996. At the time, she was 19 and I was 28. Even for her age, I found her very refreshing. She was mature beyond her age, very independent, task-oriented, and not afraid to speak her mind. We knew each other well, although we never hung out or went out together as co-workers. There was no flirting or fooling around at work. But, as I continued on, I grew more and more "attached" physically to her. To a point that I was scheduling days for us to work together, etc. It all finally came to a day where I invited her to my place, on a night my wife was gone, to do some work. Long story short, we ended up having sex that night. A month later, I filed for divorce from my wife and Marie and I immediately moved in together.

 

We were together the next 9 years. She finished school, got a good job, I found a better job, we moved around from different towns and apartments. All the good stuff. We never had any major arguments. Although I must point out, Marie ran the show. She was the "pants" wearer in the relationship and I was fine with that. But, at the same time, she felt like a mother with things she did. She would buy my clothes, underware, socks, and shoes. She was very neat and organized. Everything needed to be in it's place and disorganization was not good. She wasn't obsessed with it, but she didn't like it. She enjoyed educational stuff, National Geographic, History channels. Movies were ok, but she did not do Romance or Drama movies. Comedys and Horror were perfect for her. If she didn't want to see a movie that interested her, and I did, then usually I would watch it by myself. Same for TV. I enjoyed the reality TV shows, she didn't. So, again, those were watched on my own time. Although, she wanted me to take walks with her and do her things, but again never really forced me, but was disappointed when I didn't. Marie knew what she liked, and if she didn't like it, she might tolerate it but more than likely she would not participate. So, over the 9 years, my life and my interests pretty much became hers. I still had things I enjoyed that she didn't. And she was fine with that, and I did those things. But, most of my interests were now the same hers. Our trust for each other was high. I could trust her to do anything with anyone and likewise for her. She gave me space when I needed it. She was not your "typical" emotional woman. Up until the time we ended our relationship, I think I only saw her cry 2 or 3 times in 9 years. She was not a snuggly person, but she did enjoy being thought of and having things done for her. I guess she was more of a "show me" how much you love me by what you do for me rather then telling me. Very rarely, would we ever be romantic. Although I can't say it never happened. In groups settings, she would dominate the conversation then ask me why I was so quiet.

 

To sum it up, this is how I perceive her and she would tell you the same thing: Marie is black and white. It's either yes or no, no inbetween. She is pessimissic. She has goals. She is a hard worker, and she will not hesitate to tell you how hard her childhood was and how hard and how many jobs she had to do to get to where she is today. But, with all this, I knew she was in love with me and care for me deeply.

 

Back in Dec of 2004, we bought a house. We were not engaged, in fact Marie never pushed me towards marriage. I always told her I was bitter about marriage after being married to my wife. So, she never ever forced marriage upon me. Things were good at first, but because of the house, she started working OT to earn more money to improve on it. Her schedule was rough. 12 over days in a hospital, usually only 3 days a week, but with OT, she sometimes worked 4 or 5. She had a hour drive to work each way. So, a typical day was 14 hours. She was in bed early and up early. My job was 8 - 5 weekends off. I helped around the house, but I'll admit I didn't go overboard. I did what "she required" I do, trash, dishes, lawn, etc. Dinner on nights she worked was not an issue, since she didn't get home until late.

 

Needless to say, this was the start of our downfall. The first 3 months of 2005, the bitterness and resentment grew, since she was working so much, we weren't spending time together. She couldn't understand why I couldn't do more for her to help out. She was to bed early, I was up late. There was no real relaxing or spending time together at night. But now, even though all this was going on, she started bringing up marriage more and more often, but still never really pushing it. Her brother had just gotten married after only knowing the girl for a year. The pressure was on. I felt I was ready. We started looking at rings. I started planning for it. Then, one day, I stopped and took a good look. Even though I loved Marie, I wanted to be sure. So, April 1st, I sat her down and told her I needed some time, and that I wanted to make sure we were on the same page. She did not take this well, and ended up leaving that night and went to grandma's. The following day, I met with her told her I needed time and when to my mother's for the weekend. Coming back Sunday, we decided to spend some time away from each other so "I" could figure it out. During the next 2 weeks, she did not call, email, nothing. I couldn't believe it. Yes, I said, I needed time, but I guess what I was looking for, was for her to call me, talk to me, show me how much she cared about me. For once, I wanted her to come my way instead of me going hers. It didn't happen.

 

Things continued to get worse over the next few months, although we still managed to see each other and talk. Most of the time, it was because of family issues (cat got sick, her other grandmother passed away, her other grandma was in the hospital). But, I was still waiting for her to come to me. She wouldn't. And, I had taken a stand that I wasn't going to beg her back and tell her I was wrong.

 

Instead of her telling me what I wanted to hear, she started sending me emails saying that even though she wanted to come back, that she didn't think we would work things out. Her emails were negative about me and rarely had a postive thing to say. I would reply saying that I thought we could work though things, asked her what her expectations were, etc. But, in the end, she kept saying, that we should move on. That she couldn't come back. She told me and insisted on putting the house up for sale. Knowing Marie, and how she is black and white. I told myself, she is done with me. I was heart broken, alone, and missing her. But, at the same time, I felt free.

 

That started our first NC. I didn't talk or see her for about a month. She went on her NY trip (which I was originally going with her) with her grandma. And, I started enjoying my freedom. Although, I was still upset and I was lonely. So, like a guy, I started seeing another woman. Someone I met at the bowling alley. She was older, 40, 2 kids, divorced. She was fun. She listened to my story. We talked more. And, yes, I had sex with her one night.

 

Needless to say, probably 2 - 3 days after that night, guess who I get an email from...Marie. Of course, it's also the email I've been waiting for. Heart pouring out. I felt about the size of an ant. I tried to convince myself that I had done nothing wrong, but it was eating me inside. Marie would NEVER understand what I did. But, I wanted her back and I was willing to try. So, I met with her, and we decided to go to counseling. I stopped seeing the other girl and focus on Marie.

 

Counseling lasted about a month. It was good. We got alot of things out. She started to see my side. I started to see hers. She wanted to get back together, so did I. Trouble was, I never brought up the "affair" with the counseler.

 

Marie now wanted to move back in and get started again. I told her I was undecided. I wanted her back, but how could I sleep with her and not tell her? This went on for a few weeks, with her getting more and more furious. "Do you want me or not?". My reply...."I'm not sure". Finally, one night, she stop by after work, and I told her what I had done and it was the reason I was hesistating. It had now been 2 months since the "affair". I never saw her cry so hard. I told her it was during the time she said she was done with me. I didn't cheat on her. It didn't matter. She said, I had broken the trust. WE WERE DONE. She would still be friendly, but she felt the past 2 months was just a game and the counseling was a waste of time, I LIED to her.

 

For the past month, I did everything that I wasn't supposed to do. I call, I emailed, I pleaded with her. I said I was sorry a billion times. I missed her. I needed her. Every response came back, that she understands, but she can not get over this ever. She says she doesn't hate me, but has no sympathy for me. That I need to be on my own now (which she doesn't think I can) and find myself and not have her to lean on. She doesn't have time for me right now anyways, because she is going back to school.

 

I have been miserable for the past month. Absolutely, MISERABLE. I cry more then I cried the first time. I keep thinking, she would have come back if I didn't screw up. She was READY to come back. Now, she wouldn't because I want I did. I'm being very hard on myself.

 

She is still pleasant on the phone to me. I can tell she is worried about me. She asks how I'm doing and so on, but does not want to talk about us, because there is no us. Same with emails, she doesn't lay blame but continues to say we are done, but asks how I'm doing. But, she still says we're done.

 

I've returned to start seeing the counselor again. Funny thing, she told me I should have never told her about the other woman. ?? She said, to stop the emails and calling and not see her for a while.

 

Yesterday (Sept. 14) I started the 1st day of N/C for both of us. It was hard, because even before she got the email stating my position about NC, she left me a voice mail, talking about college and asking how my counseling appointment went. I kept thinking how much I wanted to take that phone call and talk with her. She replied to my NC email and said she was fine with that, and it fact "she knew" the counselor would recommend it.

 

This will be the hardest thing I will go through. I want her back. But, I plan on sticking with this plan. I'm hoping 9 years is alot for someone just to throw away. I want to be there for her as she starts college again. I want her around. I miss not talking to her. I don't know what to think. She says she is done, but she was still calling and talking to me up until I said no more. Is she trying to make me miserable? Make ME realize how much I want her? I'm already told her that. What more does she want? She probably wants to be friends, but I don't want that. If she doesn't want me, then I can't allow her to use me as a "friend". Am I wrong to think that.

 

Anyways, I'm leaving on a vacation that I planned back in August when all this came to a head. I leave tomorrow....10 days. No phone and no email where I'm going. She doesn't know I'm going. Cat is going to my Mom's until I get back. She will probably flip out when she stops by to see the cat (usually Thursday's while I'm at work) and he is gone and both my cars are there and I'm gone to. (I'm still in our house, in case I didn't mention it. All her stuff has been moved out).

 

Guess this the best way to have a good start with NC.

 

Sorry, so long. I'd appreciate any thought, suggestions. etc.

 

Thanks all!

[Echo]

Hey Bozman....

 

Very sorry to read your situation. I am not sure what my opinion is on the "affair" you had. I do agree you probably shouldn't have told her..because at the time of the affair, you DID assume you and she were NOT getting back together. Not saying you were right....but the fact is it happened. However...in your defense you DID tell her about it, and that is admirable.

The way you describe your "ex" actaully sounds somewhat like me. I have been told I am not your "typical" emotional woman. In fact one ex said he thought I had some male genes...lol...so I understand your ex'es mindset. It could very well be her upbringing. She sounds like a very decent woman though.

I don't know WHY she continues contacting you..if you guys are NOT going to work it out. That I couldn't answer.

I think your vacation is a good starting point for No Contact though. It will give you some distance from the situation...and maybe you can clear your head. You are no longer obligated to her, really.

You said when you did NC before...you got the response you wanted with her heartfelt email. Maybe that is the tactic that works for HER.

Do you want her back??? Use this time to meditate and decide what you want. Nine years IS long time to throw away.

 

Please keep us posted.

[bozman44]

Thanks for posting the reply.

 

No, she is not your typical emotional woman. But, she shows her love by things she does for you, and expects the same. Words are just words to her.

 

During the first NC, the email she sent was what I wanted. Well, at least, it wanted me to try. That's why we started counseling.

 

Yes, I think the NC is a good tactic for her. Considering she is living with grandma...doesn't have her own space. That's has got to be making her crazy, especially when she had a nice house of her own with me and her grandma reminds me of a female yoda...Always talking, talking, talking, but in riddles. haha.

 

But, I just don't think I have any hope now, because she keeps telling me about "how I broke" the trust in our relationship. And, I'm holding my position that how can you break a trust when the relationship wasn't there? Also, she NEVER asked during the entire counseling time, if I was seeing or did see someone else. So, lie I did not. Hide I did.

 

Now again, I am in a similar situation, although I plan on taking time for myself, I'm afraid or do anything that she might not approve of. What if I met someone else again? Although, I will not do the one night fling again, it's hard for me to try to meet someone else knowing she'll think that since I'm trying to get out and date, that I obviously don't care about her. And, right now, that's not true. But, I don't want to feel I'm waiting for her and letting opportunities and life pass me by. Catch 22?

 

Thanks...

[Echo]

What if you meet someone else?? Well...right now, you are technically a free agent. You can do whatever you want to. She is the one saying it's over. You can't allow her to "guilt" you into living your life on her terms either. You made a mistake, and you owned up to it. Beating someone over the head with it is not a wise thing to do. While it's understandable that she's hurt by your actions...she should also take responsiblity in her part in it as well. You sound like a decent, caring guy..I am sure you would never maliciously hurt her...but you know what? What it boils down to is doing is what is right for you.

 

Time apart may be what is needed in this case. It sounds like all in all you and she had a pretty good thing. If she can get past the "affair"....or one night stand..then I think you guys have a decent shot at working things out. However....I would advise against movng back in together right away. Maybe date for a while again. get to know each other again. Don't live together as if you are married....because then, what's the point?

That's just me though....

[kazman32]

I understand where your coming from.Me and my ex were together (Never married)almost 8 years.I messed up,I didn't ever cheat,but I let my depression make a mess of the last few months of our relationship,we have been split 6 months,and she is madly in love with a new man,and after 4 months of dating is talking marriage.I understand your pain and guilt,wanting to make up for things but not being able,it is a hard cross to bear,but your not alone!Hang in there!

[bozman44]

Update.

 

Back from my vacation for a week now. It's now been 23 days of NC. I haven't heard a peep from her, except a note which she left on my counter which stated "Hope you enjoyed your vacation"

 

I felt great after getting back from my vacation, ready to move on. But, as the past week has when by and I have gotten back into my regular routine, I've been finding myself again, thinking about her. I guess it doesn't help still being in "our" house as a constant reminder everyday.

 

I'm holding strong. I will not call. I will not send an email. There is nothing I can do now. She made the decision to end this. I still have hope - and, yes, I when I do check my email, I kind of hope there is something from her. I won't lie, I do miss her. I guess until that feeling is gone then keeping the NC going is the best thing to do. Right now, seeing her or talking to her would not be good. It would probably put me back where I was 23 days ago and I really don't want to go through that first week again.

 

We'll see what the next week brings. My next goal is to hit the 30 day mark of NC.

 

Take care all,

Boz