Can't "come out"

[nuts]

its hard to believe im even posting this on an anonymous forum. thats how inhibited i am about whoi feel i should be. i come from a family where being gay is acceptable, just as long as its not one of us. im so scared of admitting to people that i have had gay feelings for MANY years that i've kept it to myself all this time. im even having trouble admitting it to myself.

 

ive had a best friend for 10 years. we've seen each other at our best and worst and she is the person who i feel i can tell anything. well, almost anything. we've had a close relationship since we were very young. i love her so much as my friend and yet it scares me to even consider opening up to her about being gay. well, i should say bi as ive had female relationships in the past, be they few and far between. i am still attracted to females, but tend to lean more towards men.

 

what makes things even more difficult is that we've even had our "physical" moments in the past. we havent had sex though, in fact im still a virgin. we tend not to talk about those moments although we dont deny them. until recently we would even kiss each other when on a nite out, every so often. not necessarily through pure attraction, partly because it was something to do! haha how bad does that sound...

 

anyway im desperate to tell her that i like guys too but im scared as to what that will do to our relationship. were definitely not bf/gf, but we are more than best friends. we're just very close on one level. on another... i dont think she has any idea that i could like men. most likely because of our relationship... and because of flippant comments ive made on occasion about homosexuality... what can i say, i was in denial. and kinda still am! the fact is i need to tell somebody how i feel, before i explode, and that somebody is her.

 

she is a very open minded person and i know she wouldnt think any less of me... i just dont want her to change her opinion of me, for our relationship to change (on a best friend level i mean).

 

sorry for the super-long post... i guess its cuz this is the only place i have been able to get this off my chest. i would love any advice on what i should do, if anyone can relate? anyone?!

[ImInLove232]

I can't relate however I did see this one MTV episode about this guy that was living a double life....he was gay some nights and other nights he'd try to be straight...he was also scared of telling his best friend (who was also a female) about it, but I'm not sure if they are as close as you are with your friend....but the point to my story is that he finally told her and she was like 'that doesnt surprise me, ive always had thoughts that you were'....they still remained friends. ....mayeb since your friend is understanding she might be like 'oh thats cool' or since u guys have kissed she might back off....try asking her about what she thinks of the whole gay concept in general....and if you feel comfortable enough, be like hey, i know ive denied it in the past, but since i trust you the most out of everyone else, i know that you wont judge me, and i hope that our relationship wont change because of it....but i have figured out that all this while im gay.

 

Hope that helps

[Cadence308]

I understand how you are feeling, as I was feeling the same 16 months ago. At first I thought I was bi because it was easier to come to terms with by saying that I was still attracted to men and dated men. But, the deal breaker for me was that I never had any physical, emotional, or sexual attractions or relationships with men. It took a few months later for me to realize that I was, in fact, a lesbian.

 

I am still not out to very many people. This was the first place that I admitted my same sex attractions and sought advice. I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't talk to someone about it. By meeting people on this site and emailing with them about my feelings, it gave me some self-esteem to finally admit my feelings for a woman to a friend of mine who I knew had other friends that were lesbians. She took it really well and said that she suspected that I was a lesbian because I talked about this woman friend of mine a lot and it just seemed like I had a crush on her. She helped me talk out my feelings. I felt so good that night. Then over time I was able to talk to 2 more friends who I knew were gay friendly about this attraction that I had. These other friends weren't surprised and even admitted that they suspected. So far, these are the only people that I have talked to about my sexuality and they have been really supportive and have other lesbian friends.

 

I strongly encourage you to talk to your female friend if you know for sure that she is gay friendly and if you trust her not to gossip about your secret to another.

 

GL and keep us posted!

[nuts]

okay i was considering doing the whole"feeling out" thing for her reaction as to what she would think if i told her. thats when i remembered... about a week or so ago we bumped into an old work "friend" (we worked together for some time) who was gay in a very femme sort of way. i have to admit, im not a particular fan of the whole flamboyantness some gay men have, and i made this pretty clear in the past when he would say or do something i wouldnt agree with.

 

anyway he was talking to us about how he had just moved in with his boyfriend. she was asking him a whole bunch of questions, i was just sorta listening. then i asked him questions about his boyfriend and shortly after we talked a little more we left. the first thing my friend said was "wow! i cant believe you asked him about his bf... most guys wouldnt have even said anything about that" or something to that effect.

 

so i already knew that she was gay friendly, now i realised that she definitely has NO clue that i could be gay myself! she obviously sees me as one of those guys who can tolerate gay men as long as they dont have to have it in their faces... lol if only she knew! i have to admit this is partly through my own doing, what with my opinions of guys like him, etc. ive decided its not about me not wanting to tell her because im scared of her reaction, more like if i confessed to her, id be confessing it to myself. and thats something i dont think im ready to do yet.

[UT]

Firstly I come to this place to get help too but I never went through with the "asking for help part". Instead I started helping others. I like helping people.

 

When I come here I felt like I was about to explode I just wanted to scream it out or something. after being here and been trying to help others my emotions have calmed down.

 

Your friends seem pretty cool so go for it. In the mean while you can always gather confidence here

[nuts]

yeah i know what you mean UT. trying to help others work through their problems is actually kinda helping me with mine. the next part however is taking my own advice... other people sometimes seem so confident with their problems and dealing with their issues, especially when it comes to being themselves, ie gay, bi or whatever. hearing other peoples perspectives and advice is helping me to be accepting, but the confidence in myself thing is the next step!

 

its all very well to say go for it, and i try and be upbeat and say im gonna do it. but when i think i could do it i get that nautious feeling and want to throw up in my mouth a little. sorry for the graphic there but i think it gets my point accross!

[UT]

Yeah, I know how it is. I'm struggling with the same problem. I may be good at giving advice but not too good at listening to them myself. The only difference between our situations are that my friends are all guys, they are judgmental and most of them are homophobes.

 

I know that nauseous little feeling. I get it too

[nuts]

see thats the thing, a lot of people i know actually arent homophobic. okay they may make little jibes at others here and there but overall are quite accepting. i have to say, most of my friends are girls. i guess because of my secret im a little intimidated by other guys. i get the whole judgemental vibe off the guys i meet and it makes becoming friends an awkward situation for me.

 

i think its mostly my family thats holding me back. i know they love me but i cant help but think that there will be an element of shame from them. i dont want that. but i also cant keep pretending. ahh!

[UT]

In some kind of twisted way I've learnt that being different is good and "cool". I was 'peer helper' or whatever. Well one of those guys on a school who are there to help others if they're alone and talk to them, try to help them. we went on a crash course on being a good friend and one of the things we learnt was that you have to dare to be childish and that is real courage. When I started upper secondary school AKA high school (I think) I met a guy, a nerd and he can say hello to someone on a bus he doesn't know (high) without being embarrassed even the slightest. However, be weird and be proud.

 

But I can't be that at home. Being homosexual is just far too big just to say it to everyone like it was as common as heating supper

 

The family will always have something against it (even if they don't show it) unless your parents are hippies or homosexual themselves. (If that would have been the case I wouldn't have had any problems telling them)

[nuts]

well thanks for the help. i cant say ive done anything to work on the situation so far... but just being here talking about it has made a surprising change in me already. im a little happier now that i can accept myself for who i am.

 

any other words of support or advice would be much appreciated.

[pianoguy]

Hi nuts,

 

I was in a situation that was a little bit like yours- not exactly, but a little bit. I'm 20, gay (not bi) and have always known I was gay. I'm lucky in that I have a very liberal and supportive family and I have been able to discuss the issue with them openly. However, up until last year I was completely closeted, and no one suspected anything.

 

I had a female friend who I'll call Sharon with whom I was extremely close- she was extremely smart and sweet and I liked her very much, but only as a friend. At some point I became aware that she had a crush on me and I realized that I had no choice but to tell her I was gay. For her sake- it would not have been a problem for me other than the guilt but for her sake I needed to tell her so she could move on. One day I just forced myself to tell her and it was the greatest feeling- a huge burden was lifted.

 

For a few weeks there was some awkwardness between us and we did have a major fight at one point and didn't speak for a week or so. But we eventually made up and I can say that my relationship with Sharon, although purely platonic (no kissing) is the most satisfying relationship I've been in (although I do look forward to a relationship with a guy, a day that won't be coming anytime soon).

 

So- screw yourself up and go tell your friend! It will be a huge burden lifted from you and you will gain someone with whom you can speak completely frankly.

[UT]

Well, I came to this forum for the same reason as you did and I'm not out yet either and as you said this have also made me happier. I'm not as depressed as I usually am

[nuts]

im one step closer!

 

i spoke to my friend tonight. about a lot of stuff really... but we got a lot of things clear between us, and how we want nothing but honesty between us in the future. i think she knows im kind of hiding something from her. she says we are going to finish the conversation tomorrow.

 

finally - the idea of telling her that i am bisexual isnt a sick-to-your-stomach feeling anymore. it feels like it will be liberating! even if i share this crucial part of myself with only one person... its a hell of a weight off my shoulders. wish me luck!

[UT]

That's great, even if you tell only one it will still be kinda out and you will at least have someone to talk about. Like, YOU: "ohh, he's cute". She: laughs lightly.

 

This wouldn't work for me though. I say it. My friends: "FAG!" (Doesn't matter whether I'm saying it jokingly or not.)

 

Oh well I got this place

 

GOOD LUCK!!!!

[pianoguy]

That's great! Go for it, it will be liberating. Suck it up and do it. Good luck!!!!

[leicesterstreet]

Going to be honest here.

 

In terms of being gay coming out is not really the hardest thing you'll have to face.

 

What you will probably have issues with is finding and maintaining relationships if you want one.

 

I personally feel that I made a big mistake coming out for this very reason, and at times wish I didn't.

[UT]

Sometimes we have to do things even though it might hurt. if they can't accept you then there is nothing you can do but finding people who can.

 

what were you giong to say if you went steady with a boy? "we're only good friends who likes to hug, cuddle and kiss eachother"

 

be proud of what you are!

 

.....................................

 

NUTs, how did it go?

did you tell her?

if you did, how did she take it?

[nuts]

im kind of embarrassed to admit it. no, i didnt tell her. i really wish i could have. and i got so close... but i just couldnt bring myself to do it. i dont know why i do this to myself. i know she would be fine with it (given time) and that i would feel a hell of a lot better.

 

the sucky thing is that i am starting university now and could have a major life adjustment by being honest with others about my sexuality. it hasnt come up yet. i wonder what i'll say when it does?

 

i guess on the plus side i at least came clean with her about a few things. i told her about my depression and why i never talked to her about it before. she knows theres more to it than what i admitted but we had to say our goodbyes so i could leave and i didnt want to hinder it by some life-changing discussion about me and my issues. i guess you could say i opened the gateway for our *next* big talk eh.

 

baby steps.

 

...said the 20 year old man...

[UT]

Coming out no matter to whom is always a big step and it's frightening. I've been thinking about different ways of coming out now since I REALLY admitted to myself that I was gay. I think I've come up with over hundred different. I think of al least two new ways everyday, but they never seem good enough.

 

The Important thing is that you got a little closer and you at least tried. More can't be asked.

 

Sometimes baby steps is the only way. You and the one you're telling get more time to chew it over.