Does deep love conflict with strong self control?

[DaisyLove]

My ex dumped me 2 months ago. He has a lot of mental issues and he has stayed on anti-depressant for over a year. After he broke up with me, he gave me a list of my problems that drove him away from me: a) my impatience with him; b) my hypersensitivity; c) my unrealistic expectations for relationships.

 

But we are both kind of suckers for super-intelligent people (at least I am like that), or maybe to be more accurate, I should say we are both into complex people. So even after our relationship was over, we both had a hard time letting go of each other. Intellectually speaking, I perfectly understand if we ever got back together, I don't want to have any regrets about my decision, and I don't want him to regret later on. However, I had an extremely hard time carrying out my intellectual "theory". My ex has wavered back and forth several times since he broke up with me. He told me that he has internal conflicts. He told me that he still loves me, or maybe loves me even more than he did before, because he has seen more amazing features of me since the end of our romantic relationship. He told me that because I am one of the most amazing women that he has ever seen in his entire life, he doesn't want to let it go. But he claimed that even though he loves me still and would love to rekindle things in the future, he knows if we got back together right now, things just wouldn't work. And he also mentioned that there are things we both need to work on.

 

At first I did try to maintain a friendship with him, since that was what we have agreed on. He told me that he wanted to work on his own issues and gain more hearts. He said to me that once he gains more hearts and becomes more emtionally stable, he would like to have a relationship with me again. But he has driven me almost crazy in the past two months. On the one hand, he played pretty cool, seemed to be very rational and responsible for both his emotions and mine. On the other hand, he couldn't stand seeing me go on dates with other men, although he himself has gone on several dates with women who he met online. He told me later that those were just casual dates. He didn't think he would get involved in a serious relationship for a long time, because he couldn't face seeing himself hurting other women again. He talked about dying and erasing his consciousness several times. He was incapable of maintaining a postive and healthy friendship with me. But he didn't want to get back together at this point. I wonder how can one be so rational if you truly love someone. I consider myself a wise woman, but every time I face my own internal conflicts about my relationship with this man, the emotional side always wins the battle. But apparently that's not the case for my ex. When people behave like that, I assume it means that they can stand losing the other person. Am I right or not?

 

My question is that can you have a strong self control if you love someone with your whole heart? If the answer is yes, I guess I have to believe what my ex has been telling me ever since he ended our relationship. He told me he wants to have a relationship with me again in the future, but he asked me to not to cling to such an uncertain hope. He led me on with his own mad way of loving me, and some hints of getting back together once his heart heals, if that can ever happen. But he became cold and distant every now and then, especially when I pushed forward. Whenever I pushed, he pulled himself away. But if I pulled, he would go after me.

 

Finally I initiated NC through email on last Thursday, because I really couldn't take it anymore. My ex replied to my email, saying that "I do want to say goodbye properly because very soon it will be quite impossible for you, or anyone, to contact me. Have a long and happy life." Can you believe it? On Saturday morning I responded to his email, which I shouldn't. I asked him if he was ok, and if he was thinking of doing something silly. But I haven't heard back from him since then.

 

Well, I don't know why I am typing all of these down. I guess it is just to pour out the pain and despair that I am having right now. I am deeply hurt by the whole emotional entanglement that I have had with my ex.

[melrich]

After he broke up with me, he gave me a list of my problems that drove him away from me: a) my impatience with him; b) my hypersensitivity; c) my unrealistic expections for relationships.

 

I think this may hold your answer. This is very narcissistic behaviour and his subsequent behaviour I think shows a pattern.

 

Yes this guy probably loves you but if as I suspect he has a narcissistic personality, the love he feels will be more around his interactions with you, not yours with him which he will probably feel as quite a burden rather than a joy.

[DaisyLove]

Thank you so much for your comments. I think you have nailed down the problem so well. My ex is indeed very self-centered.

 

Ever since he broke up with me, all what he has been thinking about were his feelings and his needs. But I guess I should be grateful for his decision of breaking up with me in the first place, as well as his later hesitation to get back together with me.

 

Even though I see everything clearly, whenever I think about the unique mindset that he has, it gives me a heartache to come to the realization that I can no longer taste the richness of his mind, or share an intellectually sparkling mement with him anymore.

 

So easy to say let it go, yet so hard to resist an intoxicating soul, which is unfortunately destructive at the same time... But there is no light that doesn't come with a shadow.

 

The question is what does one want in life and in love? What makes one happy, inside and out, in heart and in mind? I guess it might take a life time to figure out the answers to these questions. But I wish I knew the answers already...

[melrich]

Yes it is sometimes easy on reflection to figure out why someone is behaving a certain way but that does not necessarily make dealing with the behaviour any easier.

 

I can no longer taste the richness of his mind, or share an intellectually sparkling mement with him anymore.

 

Whether it is your exes mind, their looks, their humor, their quirkiness..there will always be something you miss. The next person will bring something different to the mix.

[DaisyLove]

Thanks again for the insights. I don't really blame my ex for not knowing exactly what he wants (otherwise he wouldn't have wobbled so much), although it would be nice if he could keep all his conflicts "internally" instead of externally. Actually sometimes I am confused, too. I miss the moments when he quoted shakespeare and penetrated through layers of things and people with one glance. But I fear the moments when he pulled himself away and told me calmly that both of us knew to come back together right now is out of question.

 

The pains and harms have already reached a point that we had no where to go from where we stayed. thereforeeee I made the decision to stay out of contact with him for quite some time. He didn't take it very well, apparently. It sounds to me that he is almost in the depth of despair. He values the unique side of me, but he can't accept me as a whole person, because as you pointed out, he saw my interactions with him as a burden rather than a joy. He is afraid of being left alone, losing contact with me entirely. But there is no strong emotional side of him telling him to fight against another possible failure, just to stay with me in the moment. Because it was the intellectual side of him that fell in love with me, not the emotional side, which neither liked the real me nor the problems or challenges that I presented to him and to his life.

 

But I am in the depth of despair, too. I cut off contact several days ago. My ex dropped me a line, indicating that he might hurt himself in the near future, which again shows his self-centered character. I think about him even more frequently than before. All his negative sides start to diminish due to the space that I have created between him and me. People said that no contact is for the sake of healing process. Is it true? Won't the space delude one's mind even more and make a heart grow fonder of the other person over silent moments? Or will the emotional entanglement pass, as time progresses, as what you wrote in your message, "the next person will bring something different to the mix"?

 

Oh, only the stars out of my bedroom window know how much I have loved and how much I have anguished. I miss him so-o much, without any rational reasons. Or maybe there are rational explanations for my addiction, but all what I want right now is to appreciate life and other people more, and start smiling genuinely to the sunshine and to other souls.

 

How do I obtain it, melrich?

[melrich]

Or maybe there are rational explanations for my addiction,

 

Well there are rationale reasons for your feelings but going into the physiology of of a break up is probably not going to help you too much here. Some things are not meant to be rationalised.

 

I miss the moments when he quoted shakespeare and penetrated through layers of things and people with one glance.

 

Try and pull down the pedestal you have your ex on. Of course he is a unique person, we all are, but don't bestow him with gifts beyond the norm. In fact intimate relationships always seem far more insightful that platonic relationships, that special bond comes with close intimate relationships. Don't believe that you will never have this again. You will.

[DaisyLove]

Last night the pain of trying to forget but not being able to became almost unbearable. I went online and aimlessly stopped by several forums on different websites. I couldn't believe what I encountered! My ex was posting messages on one forum, pathetically spreading nonsense about women panties, gun rights, and people's belief in God. It's pretty hard for me to hold back my impulse to post a sarcastic reply to his message, saying something like this, "I thought no one could contact you in this world anymore. I am glad to see you are still alive and you are having such a good time here."

 

Of course I didn't do it. Why would I? I should save this surprising finding as my precious secret. I will draw strength from it, whenever I have a moment of weakness and feel like giving in to my NC decision.

 

After such a long draining journey, I'm finally ready to move on and start a new chapter in my life. There are so many fabulous people around me, and I couldn't believe that I let this stupid single focal point completely block my vision. You are right, melrich, I have to believe in life, in love, and in myself. I will grow stronger and more beautiful, internally and externally. I will be able to talk about Shakespeare with another soul on a starry night again. I will embrace the bright blue sky, the soft white clouds, the sadness and happiness flowing on people's faces wholeheartedly again.

 

Melrich, you sound like a pretty interesting and insightful person. Where have you gained all those insights? Maybe from quite a bit of suffering in your past I guess only a suffering spirit would wander around a forum like this.

 

I hope I will no longer need comfort from this website soon. Great site though!

[melrich]

Maybe from quite a bit of suffering in your past ? I guess only a suffering spirit would wander around a forum like this.

 

Like most I first came here because of problems I was having in my life. Nothing major, my problems were minor compared to what many people have to go through. I am a bit older than most at this forum and have been through a number of long term relationships that failed, including a marriage.

 

Reading through various posts I noticed that many young members were really suffering as a result of the break up of their first or second relationships. I knew from my own experience how hard that first major break up was but I also knew that time gives you persepective and that you learn as you gain experience how to cope with these things better.

 

Nothing can stop the pain you feel or shorten the grieving period but maybe it helps to have someone who has been through it before provide some perspective on where such things sit it the bigger picture of your whole life.

[DaisyLove]

I still couldn't stop thinking about what has happened between my ex and me. So I went online and typed some of my ex's issues on google. Surprisingly, I found a disorder called borderline personality disorder (BPD). After going through the articles, I was convinced that my ex has it.

 

Now I start to understand the pain that sits deep in his heart. For the first time after he broke up with me, I don't view his alternating clinging and distancing behavioral pattern with accusation and anger. He is a highly intelligent man. He must have sensed his problems/issues very clearly, as he encountered more and more failures of his intimate relationships with others. He sees his limits and suffers from his vision, because one of his most beautiful dreams is to develop a long-lasting fulfilling bond with his beloved one, but he realized that he's impaired to have it, at least in the near future.

 

I also see that he does love me, so what? The journey of recovery for a BPD patient is long and painful. It seems inconceivable for us to stay together while he is working on all his emotional issues. That's why he wanted to let it go for now and gave me freedom and space to search for my happiness. But he is also a human being, who would get jealous when he saw his ex-girlfriend go on dates with other men, especially after he felt more and more clearly about who I am and what kind of soul I have. So he wavered again and didn't know what to do anymore.

 

Deep sigh... If I was in his position, I probably would feel the same way, although I might not be so narcissistic as he is.

 

If I hadn't cut off contact, I might be able to maintain a peaceful friendship with him without ever pushing him forward again, due to the new insights that I have gained. But I have already told the other party that I need some time and space to improve my own robustness in life. So I guess I will just go on with my journey in this big world. One day my road may cross this man's road again. If that's the case, I will share with him some of my musings and reflections on what I should have seen inside him, but I didn't, and what I should have understood, but I didn't.

[Lovesick64]

Daisylove-

 

I feel for you. I was with my ex for 18 months. I knew things were strange with him after 3months. I thought his ability to go NC on me for no reason for days at a time was because he was an only child and used to being alone. I didn't push. I accepted his behavior. Things would be fine and then he would go back to the bpd dance. It wasn't until last month that I realized what he had. I did a lot of research and everything that I came accross said that you can only help yourself. He has no clue what is going on with him and would never break up with me. I took the step and broke up with him after the last distancing act. He was making me crazy. Nevertheless I still love and miss him. I have to constantly remind myself that his emotionally blackmail, pushing, and pulling is abuse. It was an emotionally abusive relationship.