Feeling extreme pain

[Boricua7]

Words can't describe the things that are flying through my head and the pain I feel in my heart right now. My boyfriend, who I know I'm in love with and who I've been dating for 10 months, told me two days ago he wanted to take a break. At first he just wanted to break up. Why you ask?

 

Here's his reason: He doesn't want to feel bad when he can't call me everyday and make me upset when we can't see eachother. For those who don't know: We go to different colleges. Although we're only 45 minutes away from eachtother the distance is still an issue because we both didn't bring our cars with us to our universities. He told me he still loves me and cares about me but that he doesn't want to be in a relationship because of all the responsibilities that come with it. He doesn't want to be tied down. Apparently I've done something wrong in making him feel that being in a relationship means that he's being held back. I wish he would've told me this before wanting to take a break so that I had a chance to fix it. The worst thing is that he's not sure what kind of love it is that he feels for me. I'm not quite sure what kind of love it is I feel for him either but it's the best feeling I've ever felt so it doesn't bother me that I can't pin point exactly what it is. I know that I'm in love. I know that I want him in my life forever. I know he's the only person I ever want to be with. It just hurts me so bad that he doesn't want to be with me. Well, he says he wants to be with me but just not in a relationship.

 

Please don't tell me that him wanting a break is because he wants to be free to sleep around with other girls in college without regretting anything because I know for a fact it's not. I'm not being blind or naive, I know it's not. He's got so much stuff he wants to accomplish and so little time that he feels like I'm taking away from his life's goal. I wish he didn't. I don't want to take away from his life, I want to be a part of it. I don't want to walk infront of him and drag him around nor do I want to be behind him and follow him, I want to walk by his side and I want him by mine. At one point he told me he didn't love me and I almost died. Later in the conversation he told me he only said that because he felt that if he didn't love me it'd be easier for me to accept the break. He thought wrong. I know he gets irritated when I call him and he's busy and then I get upset because we can't talk. It's not because I think he doesn't want to talk to me its because we both are so busy that after awhile it gets frustrating that on my free time he's busy and on his free time I'm busy. I know it's part of the fact that we're in separate colleges and doing our own thing but it still bothers, you know? It upsets him a lot when I get mad because he feels like I want him to put off everything for me and that's not the case!

 

The stupid thing is that right now, nothing's changed. We're taking "a break" but as of right now we still talk everyday, just like we did when we were dating. We're still going to visit eachother, just like we planned when we were dating. The only difference is right now we're taking a break so he doesn't feel like he's obligated to do anything, which he wasn't in the first place! The only thing that mattered to me was that he didn't forget about me. That's the only thing I was worried about and the only reason that I would get upset if he didn't call. I never told him he couldn't drink in college or he couldn't go to frat parties or he couldn't hang out with other girls or anything like that. I just wanted him to call or do something to let me know that I'm still in his thoughts and he still cares about me. I wish he knew that. I wish he'd realize that and stop making me feel so horrible inside. I know I have to wait but I hate that he haunts me. Everything reminds me of him. I hate that I love him and miss him so much because if I didn't this wouldn't hurt as bad. I know I have to be optimistic and do the whole "if you love him let him go and if he comes back you know" thing but I wish I didn't have to. It sucks so much! I just want to be with him and hold him and kiss him and throw him down on the bed and make love to him if I want to. I know for a fact that he loves me, I just wish his confusion weren't affecting me so much. He's the only one who gets me and he's what truly makes me happy. Without him I feel like nothing is worthwhile anymore. I need advice. What should I do? What should I tell him? Where do I go from here? How do I take my mind off of him because everything reminds of him? ANY ADVICE FROM AS MANY PEOPLE WOULD BE SO MUCH APPRECIATED![/b]

[Reilly2856]

"He's got so much stuff he wants to accomplish and so little time that he feels like I'm taking away from his life's goal."

 

 

I dont understand this: if he really loves you as much as he says, then having you in his life should drive him toward his goals....motivate him to have such a supporting gf who wants to walk with him, help him through his problems. The fact he thinks your a distraction, makes me wonder exactly how deep his feelings run for you.

 

For the most part, what you've written in this post is exactly what you should tell him...b/c it explains your feelings perfectly. LDR's are hard to work, but I just think that if two ppl care enough for each other they can make it work. I mean, you don't have to call each other everyday, but a call or an email here and there is good.

 

If he wants a break, yet nothing's changed....what's the point of this break anyway? You both still hang out, call each other.....soooooo what is happening with the whole "break" issue? Question him about that. I think he is very confused. I won't say he wants to party out and sleep around with other girls.....but it just seems like he wants to enjoy college without having to feel tied down to you.....maybe, he's having doubts about commitment.

 

On hte other hand, since he wanted a break....it seems like your doing exactly what you don't want to: you are following him, instead of walking beside him( which he doesn't want to allow since he wants this "break). I say, if he wants this so called break....let him have it. And see what happens. I won't say it will be easy because you really love this guy. But a little time away from each other, may just change his mind and make him apprieciate you more.

[saint_saul]

I agree with Reilly: everything you pretty much typed up, all your feelings, emotions and thoughts, should be said. I think the only way he'll understand the way it is affecting you is if you tell him plainly that it is, and include all of what you said because it will really get the message accross. It seems like he has SOME legitimate reasons as to why he wants to take a break, and you should respect him for those. If you know he isn't sleeping around or this isn't an issue about another girl, then you're actually quite lucky. Just keep in mind that this is probably a small and insignificant riff in your relationship with him, and, if both love and care for each other as you have stated, it'll just be another drop of water in the bucket. Don't fret TOO much about it, because he doesn't want you to. Just express your concern and worries, and I'm sure you'll get things worked out. The most essential thing to remember is COMMUNICATION. Keep those calls and visitings, etc. going, because they are vital to the relationship (especiall a long distance one). If the distance is bothering you, BOTH of you should devise a plan that will ease that "responsibility." Keep confident and cool. Things will work out.

[amanda22]

i skimmed through what you wrote and some things jumped out at me. *sigh* i went through this with my bf. he wanted a break and it was not to meet someone else or sleep around, he is not that type. anyways, we did the same thing. we never took a break. we kept hanging out and kept being bf and gf without the title. we still slept together and did everything together. i think it went downhill because he never got the break he asked for and because i started getting ancy about our break. like, you treat me like your gf but i dont get the respect of having a title and if he really wanted to he can do whatever he wants (re girls) cause technically he is not tied down. it got to me, and it caused problems. really nothing ever changed. after a few months of our pseudo realtionship it was obvious that we werent getting back together and his feelings had changed. fast forward to me goign through 4 years of this junk until he finally found the love of his life. can i tell you how crushed i was? after 4 years of hoping every day it was the hardest thing to go through.

 

ANYWAYS my point is, if i look back now, i wish i would have given him the break he asked for. there is no other point in my life in which he loved me more and i should have taken advantage of that. made him miss me when he still cared for me. made him realize at the brink of everything what he lost. he has even told me before that things would have been different if i had just left and had him miss me. i believe deeply that we would have gotten back together and our realtionship would have been stronger than ever.

 

anyways, why does he get to have his cake and eat it to? theres a quote that is something like absense is to love like wind is to fire. it extinguishing the small but enflames the great...or something like that. make sense?

 

so yeah thats my story but everyone is different. maybe he is trying to let you down easy??? maybe he needs to figure out what he wants?? i just dont think these type of friends with benefits (thats what it is cause its not bf/gf) is a good idea.

 

overall, i say give him what he wants. give him his beak. call him on it. tell him you love him but if thats what he wants youll respect it. if he loves you he'll come back. but right now there is nothing to miss and come back to cause your still there.

[Boricua7]

Thank you for your input! Amanda22, I especially want to thank you. I started to give him the space he asked for. It was hard as hell but I'm proud to say that I did. He invitied me to one of his frat parties and told me that he tried forgetting me but couldn't stop missing me. We're back together, have been officially dating for a year now, and we're planning on getting married after we graduate from college. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

[melrich]

That's great. Good luck with it all.