Emotional Void in Marriage Fulfilled by Another Man

[batgirl1113]

I have a long story (I guess we all do) that I need to make short but would still like feedback on.

 

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have 2 wonderful children. I was blissfully happy, loved him dearly and really, no woman could have asked for more until about 2 years ago. 2 years ago, I wanted another baby. He didn't. I worked hard to respect his decision as I felt that if one of us didn't want one, it wasn't right to push the other. What I didn't anticipate was all of the anger and resentment I would harbor to someone I loved so much. I stay at home with our children. I do the bulk of housework, cooking and general running around which I look at as my part of the deal b/c he earns the "outside" $ that allows me to stay home. I am angry b/c he made such a sweeping decision not to have a 3rd child when it would completely change my station in life. The kids were headed to school. I would be home full time and alone -- emotionally and physically. The physical part I can handle -- the emotional part was a little more difficult as I found out below.

 

So 2 years ago, my husband just kind of check out of our marriage emotionally. I believe that he didn't really do it consciously but he has said he made a conscious decision to do whatever it took at work to be at a certain goal within 5 years. This kind of work dedication forced him to blindly choose between fulfilling his emotional need to succeed or fulfilling my emotional needs in our marriage. My emotional needs went unment as he has recently pointed out in our recent heart to heart conversations.

 

So in the last 6 months, the decision not to have a baby and my husband's career goals brought me to a point where my emotional void snuck up on me and I began to depend on a close mutual friend of our family for support. Of course, the next thing I know is the unthinkable and I'm very much emotionally attached to this person now -- this is classic emotional infidelity. And of course, now that I have this huge emotional attachment to another man, my husband has realized that our marriage is AS important as his career goals and he wants to check back in here.

 

Of course, I told him he could, but it has not gone w/o consequences. He knows of my attachment and closeness to another man. He, thankfully, says he does not harbor anger toward me for it but would like to be the one to fulfill my emotional needs as he should as my husband. So now I'm angry about have to do a 180, let my husband back in to our marriage, learn to re-love him with all of the spit and vinegar of a new relationship and get out the hacksaw and cut ties with this other person who I've come to depend on. And of course, it brings me back to the original issue which is my husband's decision not to have a 3rd child regardless of the pain and issue it would cause me.

 

And my husband has developed a justified state of jealousy b/c of this other man. I was honest with my husband and told him I was working on letting go and really, I had gone 1 month with NO contact. I thought of him daily but really wanted to invest my emotions back in my marriage. And just when I thought I had reached a milestone, I discovered that my husband had begun checking my cell phone bill and my internet history -- both of which -- I was proud and livid to say at the time of confrontation -- were null & void of the other man.

 

This sent me into a tailspin where my anger makes me bitter and cold. I am now talking to the other man -- partially b/c he is a relief from the pain of our marriage and partially b/c he does not pressure me but really just listens. My marriage is in a respectful hybrid state of being in it just for the kids and trying to fix it so that we can return to the state of being in love with only one another but being smarter about each other and our relationship. My husband is 110% on board. He wants to see a counselor, has brought books home, sends me articles, leaves me cards and has discussed his dedication to me and our family with me. I told him that I am just not there yet. I'm just not. Call it ungrateful, selfish, spoiled and still, I can't "make" myself go back to the heartfelt love we had in the past -- it's more like a friendship love. Please don't misunderstand, it is my goal to get back there, but the flame of desire is more like a hot coal going cold.

 

I would love some thoughts on my situation. I've read what some of you have given to others on this site and am truly impressed with the intelligent insight.

 

Thanks for you time!

 

PS - - So much for being short here!

[TiredMan]

I do think it is selfish to want another child and when the other person doesn't, you act that way. In my opinion, relationships are about sacrifice and compromise. Did you ever cheat with this other man?

 

If you say you want to reconnect with your husband, then you HAVE TO resist the urges of keeping in contact with the other guy. As long as you do that, you will never fully reconnect.

[Beec]

Look back at your post and see something. See how you describe something.

 

First that you were the one who got angry with him, when he did not want a child. He was supposed to follow your wishes and to heck with his, huh? His decision was unilateral, so was yours to be angry with him. Wouldn't your decision to have a child have also been unilateral against his wishes. Then when you were angry at him, he checked out emotionally. Wouldn't you check out if someone whas always angry with you? I would. I might have moved out.

 

Second, now that he is showing you attention, you are again angry. A man shows you attention, and you get angry. You seem to have a lot of anger here, and in both cases, you got mad at him when you did not initially get your way.

 

Think about that.

[Ms Omaniac]

though i respect tiredman's comments i dont agree with them.

 

i understand you wanting to have a child and it is very very difficult when your partner does not. i have seen marriages end because of this...resentment on your part for not having a child. or if you do have a child...resentment on the other's part for having the child. i dont see it as selfish on either parts. youre simply maternal with a lot of love to give and offer. and your spouse has nothing left to give because his energies are spent or are being used elsewhere. i personally do not see you being selfish at all. and im not sure why your husband didnt/doesnt want to have a child...but i suspect he isnt completely selfish either. you both have your reasons. and because this decision is a major major decision that can make or break a marriage....i can see why this has affected the way you look at him and feel towards him.

 

i also understand how you say your love is not as strong. i personally believe you at one point must have loved him tremendously. but since he was not able to fulfill one of your strongest desires and needs...you started to look at him differently. i dont blame you. maybe that is a coping skill your mind has given you...to protect your heart and head...to be able to let go of this man so that you can fulfill what you need....which is a need to have a child. maybe because he didnt fulfill this need...you have fallen out of love with him. and it is VERY hard if not impossible to go back...even when your partner vows to try....sometimes it's a little too little and a little too late. and because you were alone and vulnerable....i can see where this new man would help you. and because he is helping you in such a great time of need...i can see how you became dependent on him. he sounds like a caring and understanding person....someone that is good to be there for you when you are walking in these dark days.

 

personally....i hope your marriage can be saved but it will be very very very difficult. i dont know if your husband will give you a child. and if he does...he maybe in your shoes and resenting you later. he should only give you a child if he wants one...and it sounds like he might give you one solely to save the marriage. having a child to save marriage actually rarely works. also...it sounds like you have lost a lot of the love you have for him and that is hard to go back to. not impossible but both of you need to want to go back. you have said yourself you are trying. but as you are seeing...you cant force it either. you cant force someone to love you and you cant force yourself to love someone.

 

the only chance i see in saving your marriage is for you two to see a counselor...to try and cut all communication with the other man (because you are too dependent on him...not that i dont like him because he does sound like a wonderful, compassionate and understanding friend) and to talk more with your husband about your feelings and his feelings. hopefully you two will remember why you love each other so much. maybe you two cant go back to how you used to be but maybe you two can start over.

 

good luck. take care and i hope things work out for you.

 

- ivy

[BabyBrownEyes]

I think one thing to think about is what exactly is the emotional draw to this other man. From what you said, it appears to be his emotional availability. I didn't sense attraction; he seems to be a shoulder you know you can cry on. However, it seems your husband has realized his emotional unavailability and wants to make a change. You have to forgive his past mistakes and move on together. I understand how upset you are about him checking up on your cell phone and internet records. My fiance has done the same thing to me. It's very frustrating! But I'm sure he did that because he loves you and wanted to make sure he wasn't losing you. He now wants to give you what this other guy has given you. So you need to let the other one go.

 

As for feeling like there is no desire in your relationship, I've read this is very common for marriages in your stage. It's the seven year itch. But you have to remember what made you fall in love in the first place. It seems you both may have to rediscover each other. Have a romantic dinner; do something together that you used to do when you first were dating. Go away for the weekend. If you have been together for this long, I know you both can heal.

 

Finally, maybe this isn't the time for another child. Maybe part of the reasong you wanted to child so badly is that you were emotionally void. Personally, I think you both need to focus on mending your relationship each other adding to your family. In the end, everyone would be happier that way.

 

I hope everything goes well. It looks like my reply is as short as your post!

[batgirl1113]

TiredMan -- no -- never physcially cheating -- only emotionally. Also, I was not angry nor resentfult toward my husband until 2 years after my initial want to have another child. I did try to compromise before I was angry and it was to my surprise that I could be angry over him not wanting something I did. And, I have sacrificed several things for our marriage -- things that were important to me. And my anger is not a "make his life hell" type of anger. I am still very supportive of his career and role as a father and in our home. I just have a void in his role in our marriage.

 

Beec -- You're correct. If I had forced him to have a child, my decision would have been the unilateral one which is why I chose not to force the issue. My mistake was that I didn't tell my husband how upset his decision made me and that's what fostered my anger. I accept responsiblity for my anger -- I just don't know how to get rid of it. And you're also correct in me not wanting his attention right now. However, I never made him feel badly or guilty about pursuing this valiant career goal. I gave up a career to stay home with my children. I want him to succeed in his career -- not only for him but for me as well b/c then I have succeeded also and we have succeeded in that aspect as a couple.

 

And Ms. Omaniac -- You win the prize and have hit the nail on the head all the way around. I will take your incredible insight into a stranger's heart and use the advice you give with wisdom. Thanks for taking the time to respond and share with me. I can't tell you how much your understanding and help means to me. I am usually the one to help people in this type of situation so for someone else to understand means a tremendous amount.

[Ms Omaniac]

sure thing batgirl.

 

i also hope you realize that since this process was slow to feel this kind of resentment...sometimes the progress will be slow to resolve it. all relationships require work and both of you need to want it. i understand if this marriage ends up not being able to withstand all the pressures but at least you will have the knowledge and satisfaction that you tried every revenue to save it so that you wont have a mountain of regret on your shoulders either.

 

- ivy

[TiredMan]

But you have to ask yourself, what if he was upset that you kept trying to pressure another child and became emotionally attached to another woman? I bet you might see it differently if the shoe was on the other foot.

[batgirl1113]

BabyBrownEyes - You are so correct. He was checking up on me b/c he was afraid of losing me. It made me angry but was an interesting testament to where we both are. Thanks for your comments!

 

Ms. OManiac -- I wrote down what you said about the resolution taking a long time b/c the process of the situation took a long time to come to light. That's a great point.

 

TiredMan -- [At the risk of being angry over something else Yes, I would be upset if my husband had found someone else to be emotionally attached to b/c that would mean I had failed at meeting his needs. I would also be naturally jealous that someone else could touch a place in him that I couldn't. And this may very well happen one day -- at which point I think I would have to remember my own weakness and need for someone outside of our marriage to help me and hopefully, I would be grateful that he found release from the pain.

 

All of you certainly have me thinking -- thanks!

[Beec]

batgirl1113,

 

OK, you can see that he might have distanced himself because of your anger. And your anger arose because he did not want to have another child. Few would be able to fault you wanting another, and I won't do that, but who can fault him for not wanting another child.

 

Look, this is a bad analogy I am going to make, but it fits a bit. My mother loves dogs. My family had dogs from the time I was three until a few years ago. Until the last one went, my family always had a dog from 1974 up through 2001, twenty-seven years during which one was always in the family. Only two dogs were in the family during this time, and they over lapped for about 5 years. Mom wants another, but Dad does not. Why doesn't he want a dog? Because having one gets in the way of tother things he wants to do. He wants to be able to go on trips, vacation, see things, and do things with my mother. He does not want to have to run his life anymore on thinking about when someone will be home to walk and feed the dog. Mom just loves having one around. Both of them have valid reasons, but only one can get what they want.

 

Why does your husband not want another child and why do you want one? He might not want one for similar reasons that my father does not. He may want to have an end to his time when he is tied to the hosue with you, he may want to take vacations with just you, and not have to delay the day when that happens. he may be worried abotu giving to your two kids the things he wants to give them, and not have to wrroy about how he will be able to afford to do that. He may not want anoher child for very good reasons, if you put yourself in his mindset. Not sure if you ever tried to do this. The same may go for his career. If given he won the lottery, would he retire and do something else. Would he choose to spend his time with your and your children? A career is not always the first choice on the list, often we work to meet what we feel are our obligations.

 

Is it possible you want one because you need one to give you soemthing to do, to give your life more meaning? That seemed to be what you indicated in your first post. If that is the case, aren't there other ways to do this?

[TiredMan]

 

TiredMan -- [At the risk of being angry over something else Yes, I would be upset if my husband had found someone else to be emotionally attached to b/c that would mean I had failed at meeting his needs. I would also be naturally jealous that someone else could touch a place in him that I couldn't. And this may very well happen one day -- at which point I think I would have to remember my own weakness and need for someone outside of our marriage to help me and hopefully, I would be grateful that he found release from the pain.

 

See, in my opinion, that is easy to SAY. It's easy to imagine it. But when it actually happens, it's a whole different story and reaction. Trust me.