Shy Guy?

[bridget74]

I met a man Saturday night on the dance floor. I gave him my phone number before I left to go to another place. He said I should stay, but I didn't want to find myself back at his apt. in the morning or anything like that, so thought leaving would be a good idea. He said he would call, because he really wanted to take me out sometime.

 

He called me that night, after the bars closed. It sounded like he was in the car with his friends. He wanted to know what I was doing, and I said I had just gotten home and was not going anywhere else. I don't remember all the specifics of the conversation, but he did say, he was not calling for basically a booty call, and that he wanted to take me out. I got the impression, however, that he was kind of shy. He was saying that he was not usually so outgoing, but he was out, had a few drinks etc... Anyway, he seemed to be getting embarrased on the phone, and asked if I would want him to give me a call when he was sobor. I said to give me a call tomorrow afternoon (which would now be yeserday). Before he said he would give me a call when he was sobor, he said that I had his phone number now, (caller ID), so I could call him! I figure he might wait a few days to call me, but I am wondering if he doesn't if it would be ok to call him. I know men generally call you if they are interested, but I really was getting the sense that he was a little shy, and seemed embarrassed on the phone (telling his friends to stop laughing). I dont' know much about him, so it wouldn't bother me if he didn't call, but he was cute, and seemed interested when I met him.

 

What to do?

[amy102481]

My experience going out to clubs and that and guys with numbers is that usually, you don't meet a nice guy out at places like that. I wouldn't call, he said he would, and if he does then cool, but if not, move on. No emotions, so you wouldn't be hurt.

[itsmenicole]

Have you read that book "He's Just Not That Into You"? If not, get it today. The author clearly states that if he does not call he is not that interested. No matter how shy a man is if he really wants to see you again he will work up the balls to call. When you say that he is shy it's just making an excuse for him. If he had to be drunk to call you would you really want to go out with him in the first place?

[bridget74]

OK. I agree with both posts. I was kind of in that mind set anyway, but then though, "but what if...". Anyway, I honestly would not be losing anything if I never heard from him again. I don't know anything about him anyway, except that he was cute! I know plenty of other cute guys! Thanks for the responses!

[Beec]

Is it ok for you to call him? Yes. Simple answer.

 

However, you might be better off understanding why people would tell you to not call. And the simple answer is that he may think you are too easy. That's it. Men are expected to chase women, and if a woman chasses a man, most men won't want her, and if they do that is only temporary. But just because you call does that make you easy and ready to jump in bed? Of course not. You just have to amke sure he knows that you will still be a challenge.

 

So, what do you? Well, if you call him, then challenge him. Challenge his manhood.

[bridget74]

"Challenge his Manhood". That sounds kind of intimidating! How does one go about doing that, and what do you think that does? This sounds like something I could do to all men, if it is going to get me better results! Could be a best seller. With all the posts you have responded to, I think you could put a few chapters to it.

[Beec]

Most people have this ideal about how things work. The ideal is that men will get women if they are ncie to them and buy them gifts, then you see all the nice guys walk up to women, flatter them and get rejected. You see all the "bad boys" walking around with good-looking women on their arms. Doesn't seem to fit the ideal, does it.

 

With women, if you don't express interest, then he won't bother to get up and ask. The real language of love is body language, and a guy who knows how to work it, busts his moves on the woman who sends him the right signals. She makes eye contact, shhowing some interest, we try to look casual in moving over toward ehr, where we make an opening into the conversation. If you make eye contact and rush right over, she shuts you down. If you wait too long, then you are a wuss and she is no longer interested. There is a real pattern to the signals exchanged in her telling us when we can make an approach. You can do things as a guy to cause this pattern to develop, but he ahould not make a real move before it does. And if it does, he cannot wait too long, the offer normally has a limited time span.

 

Now think about ways in which men are motivated. How many times have you seen one guy twisting another guy into doing something because if he did not do it he would be a "whimp"? And it works to motivate doesn't it. Call a man a whimp if he doesn't, then watch him go do it. It's a challenge. Women should challenge men, and we like it when they do, normally.

 

I went out with a woman for six months after a buddy challenged me to go bust a move. We were at a party, he complained about the women there being unattractive, I referred to this one who was attractive, and he asked why I was not already making a move. He challegned me. It worked, I made a move. We dated for some months.

 

A woman I was talking to this weekend could nto figure out how to get to a guy she likes, I told her to challenge him. It was like the lights suddenly went on.

 

How do you challenge him? Well, ideally (now I am in the ideal), I would call when I expected to get no answer and leave a message. And my message would "wonder" if he had enough guts to ask you out. You could do ti when talking to him too.

 

What do you think?

[bridget74]

I find it humorous, but in a good way, because I think it would work. I am not sure about leaving a message because he potentially answer. I suppose I could just challenge him in person..... I could send him a text asking him if he chickened out on taking me out. How long would be the time to expect he was not going to call? I was thinking if he hadn't called me by Wednesday, he wasn't going to. It comes back to the second response though, and that stupid book. I don't want to chase after someone who isn't in to me, and I agree about a bar being a bad place to meet someone. Not because ppl who hang out in bars or clubs are bad, but because the truth is, it does not give you good common ground. If I meet someone at my favorite teams game, I know we have the in common for example. I don't know, just streamline thinking....

[bridget74]

Oh, in general, I like the challenge. I will definatly use it with other men I meet. Good insight to how men work, and what motivates them.

[Beec]

I think the text and I think Wed. are good ideas.

 

The way to be successful in dating to see the reality. See what really works with men and women, and do that. There are skills, approaches, etc. that work, and others that many idealize and fail utterly. The more you know the reality, the less someone using gimicks will appeal to you, unless you are a lower lifeform not deserving to be called human.

 

I know player tricks and know when some woman is giving me the eye. I've been on dates that were going poorly, then used tricks to turn it around. I've watched them work then had no interest in the person in a few weeks. The crap and BS of dating reveals itself because you see it for what it is. When you get someone using a BS, you stop having as the reaction that others do. When I know the person is just challenging you to get you to do something foolish, I don't need to defend my manhood by being foolish. When a woman used "The Rules" on me, she did not date me for long at all. The Rule: "Don't call him and rarely return his phone calls" made it real simple. She did not get anymore phone calls. (The concept of "the Rules" is not terrible, but it will only get you a guy who is a wuss and has no self-respect. Who wants him?)

[bridget74]

Thanks. That all makes sense. I am terrible at dating. I had been involved with someone from the age of 22-29. I had a few failed dates, then a bf 6 months after that break up until about 5 weeks ago, so I feel like my dating skills as a more mature person are really rusty. I don't care for games much, but also realize that blunt honesty can be a little hard for ppl to swallow, myself included. While I think it would be nice to just straight out tell someone, hey I like you, lets give it a go, I also realize it can be weird and creepy when someone is too open up front. I myself get scared off real easy. Anyway, your ideas are very real, and if nothing else, if the guy does not call, and it is still only monday, I can try out the tactic, and see what the response is like. I have always thought about dating as practice for when the right one comes around anyway!

[Beec]

Thanks.

 

Gerry Spence, a famous lawyer, has a book called "How to Argue and Win Everytime", which is great. In it, he exaplains how we are not like dogs, who when they want attention from come up to to wagging their tails, all happy to see you, asking for attention. We are just not that simple.