GOOD PEOM OR NO? Please Read..

[S4il]

I call this one "Nautical Mile"

 

 

Starting to see how all this could be-

Being able to love what i can only see-

If seeing is believing then make me understand-

Would you like to go out with me hand in hand-

Too soon, you might say-

But to my dismay-

I sit, and wonder and painfully lay-

That one day I see-

You being here with me-

Crying from with inside-

Bringing love, in like tide-

Together as one-

United like the sun-

Your my sail in the wind-

My light from the tower-

Thinking about you every passing hour-

I write this from my heart-

And straight from my soul-

Not asking for control-

Of the Stern on deck-

But to guide the way so our friendship wont wreck

I write this from the heart

While off my feet

That out love for each other is more than elite-

Baby, i think its time-

To let down your guard-

not trying too make this hard-

So with all this in mind-

You can see my prime,

That would be with you,

If only you could make this come true.

 

you think that sounds good, or is a way to ask a girl out after being friends for a while>..?

 

this really is like my first time writing a poem, i sort of think they are corny. but i thought I'd give it a try, directly relating to my name "SAIL"

[cruisin]

Hello S4il,

 

Just read your poem and thought I'd give your some feedback.

 

Without saying whether I think the poem is good or bad, as that is something that is totally subjective and why a poem means something different to each person, I'd like to instead comment on whether I think this poem is appropriate for what you asked, "asking a girl out after being friends for a while."

 

I'd say NO, don't, or you'll likely risk scaring her off for good. Just a part of that poem might be OK but if I were her, and you mention, caution, "letting down your guard" and it being "too soon" then if I got this I'd feel like someone was trying to hunt me down and tie me to him.

 

You talk about you thinking "it's time" and such but the poem leaves little feel that there's room for what she thinks. If you're just asking her out, then I'd slow way way down. I'd just say my feelings for her and not my hopes and fantasies about "us." Not at this stage.

 

Hope this helps.

[S4il]

I see you point crusin, thanks for the feedback

[taken]

i think its a good poem. i also think that each line means something to everyone. i think that she would like it, but tell her how you feel. verbally. i would give it to her after she has expressed how she feels about you. its really a good poem. its not corny. keep writing.