Her ex, my growing annoyance

[forest]

I admit I can be a very jealous person. Sometimes rather closed minded. And it's unfortanate because it's only with people I'm very serious with. Otherwise I really don't care. And it seems like the little things can be such a major downer. My gf's ex bf are good friends and have been for sometime, maybe six years or so. Her and I have been dating now for over a year and have been serious for a good portion of that time. He has recently been bunking up with his girlfriend because he was evicted lately out of his old apartment and asked my gf if he could leave some stuff at her house, where I'm planning to move into shortly. So he moves in a ton of stuff including all his fish tanks, which he now has to come over periodically to tend. I get somewhat selfish when they are around eachother. They seem so happy and affectionate when they hang out. Although she is very attentive to me when he's around. And the thing is she has a history of hooking up with at least a few of other girl's boyfriends, but only when she's single. So that factors in as far as trust thing. Although I do trust her, and without boring anyone with further detail you can be assured that I do. My problem, ultimately is that when I meet someone I feel strongly about, I do tend make myself exclusive to that person be that time spent or people who I spend it with. Should I take a try to be less like that, less constricting. I even dismissed calling up my ex. She and I agreed to be friends and for good reasons. My ex and I didn't make for a good boyfriend and girlfriend thing but could possibly be good friends because of likeness of flaws that we both share and how both dealt with them. But I feel if I hang out with her it will make my gf upset. And she has indirectly, through bodylanguage, sorta told me that it would. I don't know what to do. Can somebody please help me out here?

[melrich]

Should I take a try to be less like that, less constricting.

 

Yes i think you should. The quickest way to kill a relationship is to try and dictate who the other person can and can't see. Her ex is her friend. Many people are good friends with their ex. I for one am very good friends with 3 long term exes. If someone were to tell me they did not want me to see them anymore I would not repond very well.

 

I think you have to go with your trust.

[forest]

I guess I just needed to hear that. And it does make sense.

[seterk]

Based on what I'm going through, i think you should be concerned. Did she mention he was leaving his stuff there? You mentioned her personal history, and said they are extremely friendly to the point it's noticed. Also, you bag friendships with other girls for her(and I'm sure she says you shouldn't do that, right? But her behavior shows she does care, right?). I think she wants a backup boyfriend. I'd tell her my concerns, gently, and see what she says. But based on my experiences, and believe me buddy I've been burned a lot in my time, I see red flags. Reread your post. Notice how you mention something she did, then immediately make excuses for her? Uh-huh...see what I mean?

[seterk]

You mention he was evicted. So he's no good, right? Were her other guys like this too? Because if they were, she has low self esteem. And she won't do whats healthy and right with her decisions.

[BellaDonna]

Well I don't think you're being unreasonable. I personally would not like it if my husband's ex came over to tend to fish tank, especially if I wasn't home. There's nothing wrong with being friendly/cordial with an ex, but when do you burn the bridge and focus on your current relationship? You're also worry based on her "history" of hooking up with taken guys, so you're not pulling it out of the sky- it's a valid concern.

 

However I also agree that you should not try to dictate who she can and can't see. Try telling her how you feel in a sensitive, caring manner. If this ex makes you uncomfortable, then maybe she can compromise a little.

 

BellaDonna