She thought I was too weak and would never changed

[EyeOfTheTiger1]

My relationship did not last years, but it was intense for several months. She had a 4 year relationship and he left her. She met two other guys within 3 years and left both of them and then I came into the picture. She was apprehensive in the beginning and then started warming up to me, the more I showed her I didn't care as much. Eventually she started falling head over heals and then I started warming up to her and she started distancing herself again and I became insecure and started doubting her love for me and would not support her when she couldn't see me as much. I started showing her that I was weak and insecure and she warned me a few times to toughen up, because she wanted a strong guy and the last time she told me she needed her space from me and I chased after her for almost 3 weeks (emails to her and her family, phone calls and even went to see her once) until she told me to leave her alone, because I was too weak and too emotionally dependent on her and that is not what she wants from a guy. She said she loved me, but all of my doubts put a black cloud over her feelings for me and she can't remember the good, because I am not respecting her wishes right now. I've decided to finally give her this space (after 3 weeks) to work on myself and to hopefully let her realize that I am getting stronger and maybe even make her miss me and realize that I had a good heart and that I could respect her and finally be strong. She's convinced herself that I will never change and if she comes back I'll constantly hurt her with my doubts and insecurities. A little advice would be much appreciated here. What can I do to win her back and have her wanting to start trusting me again and do I have any hope here at all. There was no guy in the picture according to her. She told me that she is trying to forget me and she will call when she is ready to, when she knows for sure that I won't beg and insist. What to do?

[overcorrect]

By all means remember this if you do not remember anything... Leave her alone and DO NOT beg and insist. You have to understand that it is not just you that is dealing with feelings right now and it sounds like she has some issues going on right now that she needs to work out on her own. You cannot help her with these issues and the only way you can is to just cut off the communication completely and respect what she wants you to do. Scary, I know. It could be the final nail in the relationship but then again, it could also be the beginning. You have to leave her alone no matter how badly you want to see or talk to her. Do not drive by her house and scare her off that way either. You're not going to see anything if you do anyway except for cars in the driveway. I learned the hard way too and I am doing exactly the above. It has helped me and it makes me look like I can survive without her even though it gets to me occasionally. It's starting to get easier though and you need to get to that point to. Just respect her wishes and leave her alone. Don't become what her friends would call a stalker and don't give her the chance to say "see what I mean" to her friends. Your solid actions will speak louder than unsound words. Regret stinks so don't blow it.

[EyeOfTheTiger1]

Thanks for the speedy reply to my post. I could have used you about 4 weeks ago. I'll give you a little more in the way of details, so you can better understand the situation. In the beginning, I came accross rather indifferent with her and she was very attracted to that. She saw it as a challenge to win me over. Eventually what happened, was that I started to fall for her and she started to back away when she realized that I was getting serious. When that happened, I became slightly (to say the least) insecure and started doubting her feelings for me, even though she called me like a dozen times a day and saw me 3-4 times a week. She had more than her share of stress in her life and all she wanted was for me to be this cool, relaxed and supportive guy who loved her and understood that she had her share of stress to deal with and didn't need me to be this clingy and weak type of guy. It was like a chicken and egg act. The more insecure I got, the more she would numb her feelings for me, until one day she told me to please stop questioning her feelings for me and I continued and then she tried to end it, but I got control over myself and became this strong guy literally overnight. She was taken a back and started running after me full speed ahead. She wanted to see me every second and called me more and more and finally declared her love for me with tears in her eyes and spoke of marriage and babies and the whole 9 yards. I was happy, but scared that I couldn't keep up this strong thing going on forever. I became scared to show her how much I loved her and that fear slowly turned the tables again and I became weaker and more insecure than ever and she warned me again to please become stronger because she loved me and she wants me to understand that she can't always be there for me, because of her stress and obligations. The last time we spoke, while still a couple, she told me that she loved me and I asked her why she didn't call me all day? She told me that I am becoming too dependent on her for my happiness and it's scaring her. She told me right then and there that she needed some time away from me and she would call me in a couple of days. I never gave her the opportunity. I called and called and went to her work the next day (crying) ans she told me that I am so weak and she wants a strong man and everytime I do this, she looses her feelings for me. She told me to be patient and respect her. For the next 2-3 weeks, I called and emailed and it pushed her further away from me. I justified to her that I was weak and couldn't survive without her. Finally one week ago today, I cut all ties and am praying to God that if she loved me, which I knew she did. She was going to move to South America, but decided to stay here for me. Now she told me in one email that she needs time and I didn't respect that, so she told me to forget about her, but I know she's just mad and sad and disappointed, because She wanted me to be the one and I couldn't be man enough. I am turning my life around now. I stopped all contact. I'm starting a martial art class tomorrow, but I desperately don't want her to forget me, because there was love in her herat for me and I want to know, what can be done at this point to make her believe that I really can change for the better and change for me this time, not for her, because she doesn't trust me that I can be strong and she said that if she came back to me today, I would be good for a few days and then I would become week and dependent on her again. Could and should I ever try to get in touch with her, or do I wait for her to make the move.

Sorry about the length of this, but I needed you to know the whole story.

Thanks

P.S.: I'll be 25 on oct.24 (I'm hoping she'll call me by then) If not should I make a move? It will have been almost a month at that point.

[overcorrect]

The simple answer to should you make a move on your birthday is a resounding NO!!!! You have to understand that she is probably expecting that to happen then and if you don't do it, it shows control. Control control control brutha! Listen man, I ran my girl off too with the 20 questions, crying, whining, etc. It wore her smooth out. It's been 3 months now for me and her. I figure it this way, if we were meant to be together she will return... if not, I loved the time I had with her. Decide now that if you cannot go on without talking to her you will NOT make contact with her until 2 (count 'em) years from now. Then, you will be in the right mind and control to actually be strong when you finally do talk to her again. Of course, you will have to figure out when and how to contact her that isn't intrusive to her. Be cool... Good that you are starting martial arts, good for your esteem. I take Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and it helps to do positive things for yourself. Take up your new activity and be consistant. It's easier to forget when you are working out. One last thing, if she does send you a present or card on your birthday the ONLY thing you are going to do at this time is send her back a very polite and very short thank you card.... control.

[Sage Eagle]

Just remember there lad, It's not all about her anymore. It's all about re-creating the NEW you. You will come out of this a new-wiser man!

 

Keep in touch and let us all know how things are going for you.

 

Take Care/Godspeed/Keep Cool!! 8)

 

grneyedscotsman

[grneyedscotsman]

^^^^^^^^^66785 474 3 2777 27

[EyeOfTheTiger1]

I just wanted to give a follow up on since my last posting of this email. I've read all over this site, that it gets easier with time. If all of us would have broken up with our ex's first, none of us would be on this site. Our ex's would. Breaking up with the person you "love", is the ultimate way to gain upper hand, but at this point, it spirals out of control, because normally, the person being dumped changes and becomes intensely weak and desperate and does whatever it takes to get their loved one back and this is exactly what they don't want us to do. It's not appealing. We didn't chase in the beginning of the relationship, so why start at the end of it? Where I'm going with this is, it's all just a game of the mind. I've read so often on this forum that we should not chase our loved ones after they want their space, because we inevitably push them further away. Isn't it always ironic that we are given ample chances during the relationship to change and our partner is always forgiving and giving us another chance to prove ourselves and so we realize that we can ultimately get away with our behavior and not really have to change, even though our partner really wants and desperately needs us to. This is a cycle that finally spirals out of control until our partner is left without any more reserves and decides to quit, before we completely destroy them. They bail, but at this point, they have it in their minds to go far away, because having to deal with us right then and there, is too difficult on them. It would lead them into giving in again, because they ultimately still love us and so they run away and sadly don't look back. We are left standing there, finally aware of what we were doing wrong, but no longer having that chance to redeem ourselves. Where do we go and what do we do, because we still love them. We go away and that is the solution. We go away until they remember us on their own, without us having to remind them. It's a natural tendency which we've all done in the past. How many times have you guy's called up an ex to see what they are up to. It's usually a tendency that flashes in and out of our thoughts for quite some time and normally, in the beginning, we dismiss it, but eventually we give in at that one moment. We catch them offguard and our voice brings back all of those feelings they trued "so hard" to forget. It's like hearing your mother's voive on the phone. It's almost comforting. They normally don't call us for quite sometime. It may take 2 years, but if we are strong enough to hold it out, those 2 years would be definitely worth it? I still love my woman, who is convincing herself that I no longer exist. She's great at putting up that wall when she gets hurt. She was very in love with me at one point and would have married me and had children, but people fall out of love quickly if you can't respect and understand them. It can be redeemed by leaving them the hell alone and that's what I am still trying to do, but it is so dam hard and my birthday is in two days and she knows. I know she knows. They are good actors and actresses. They even fool themselves that we meant nothing to them at all.

 

EyeOfTheTiger#1

[mushhush1607306438]

Hello eyeoftiger.

I have to agree w/ Sage. It sounds to me like you are needing to learn how to let this girl go. And trust me-i know that is much easier said than done. I had to do the same. What helped me is, i just found things to do to keep me busy and to keep me interested in improving myself. i went back to college and took some acting classes,-(which by the way, I SUHCK AT!!). But they still keep me focused on something beside my ex. Also, I'm meeting people now. All of these things are very helpful IF YOU WANT THE HELP.

Just try to keep busy and let her go man. You can do it! You're the Man!

 

Joe (Mushhush)