New to the group...I need some help!

[ColdFeet]

Hi all,

I'm new so I hope I'm posting in the right forum. I'm sorry but this is a little long - have to give you some background info.

 

I'm getting married in 3 weeks. He's a wonderful man, but I think there must be something missing because I can't help myself from thinking about a past fling. Three years ago I met this great guy, we saw each other everyday for 2 amazing weeks while he was in my city. After the two weeks were up he went back to his city and he ended up getting back with his ex gf. We've spoken a couple of times since but I've thought about him alot over the years. So on a conference in his city 3 weeks ago I decided that I would meet up with him and face him and my feelings so that I could go in to my marriage with complete committment.....well, that was a big mistake! This deep seaded passion that I had for him completely surfaced and no matter how hard I tried to surpress it, I just couldn't. He tried to be a gentleman also but he couldn't contain himself from confessing his feelings for me. I kissed him, passionately....for 3 days. I didn't sleep with him but I may as well have because I'm so messed up now that I don't know what to do with myself. i'm back home and haven't told my fiance.

I've tried to surpress the thoughts and go on with my life....and it was working for a while, but whenever I'm alone I revert back to thinking about him.

I love my fiance, I don't want to lose him. I'm 3 weeks away from getting married. I don't think the other man is what I want but there must be something fundamentally missing in my relationship for me to have done this.

What's wrong with me?!?!?!?!

[jna35]

It sounds like a case of premarital jitters and is completely normal!

 

That said,I want to add, that after reading the other posters' ideas, I think they are offering you sound advice. It would definitely be better to postpone your marriage if you are unsure than to jump into something you don't truly want and can't give your heart completely and without hesitation to.

[catfood]

Nothing is wrong with you, but you're right. If you were totally content in your relationship, this wouldn't have happened. Something's up.

 

I know it will be incredibly hard, but I think you should postpone your wedding. Believe me, I should have backed out of mine, but I didn't, and it ended a year later and was much more messy and difficult than it should have been.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide, hang in there.

[DN]

It may just be cold feet - pre-wedding jitters and the pressure and tension of 'the 'day' getting to you.

 

But - if you really think that your feelings for this guy are serious and could potentially affect your marriage, then you should not get married. That would be unwise and most unfair to your fiancé.

 

He deserves a wife who loves him without reservation and if you can't do that, then you have a moral responsibility to tell him. It will be hard, and you may well lose him for good. But the lesser of two evils is to cancel the wedding, despite all the heartbreak and problems that would entail, rather than go into a marriage that will probably fail.

 

You have some serious heart searching to do.

 

Commit to your fiancé fully, and make yourself forget the other guy - or let him find someone who loves him as he deserves to be loved.

[RayKay]

I agree with DN. You have some SERIOUS soul-searching ahead of you.

 

I think you need to sit down and think of all the reasons you are with your fiance...why is he a wonderful man, why did you say yes to marry him? Look at what you have with him in terms of compatibilities and partnership. Are they worth losing for what sounds like "chemistry"...without the knowledge of how you would be as a team? Does this "other man" present excitement, can you find that with your fiance? Does this "other man" have the qualities for a long lasting, strong relationship? Or is he just a fantasy?

 

 

Ultimately, if you feel your feelings for this other man will be there, and that you feel you are "missing something", I really advise you not to get married to your fiance, at least not yet. I am sure it is all planned out and arranged, and you would feel bad for postponing, but it is WAY better than not being able to fully commit to your husband and your relationship, and ultimately hurting him and you.

 

 

Cold feet are pretty normal for many people before marriage, but sometimes also we should learn to listen to our gut/instincts if they are telling us something is not right - in other words sometimes our "feet" may be telling us something too.

[Aprilbabe75]

I agree with DN. If your gut tells you something is not write then it isn't.

 

I was engaged and I loved him but realized it was like a best friend not in love with him. I broke it off.

 

While I am still single and say wow I could have been with someone who would never cheat, adored me and had a promising futur. When it is not there it is not there.

 

I also think you should postpone your wedding and tell your fiance you love him, but need more time.

 

It is a hard situation and I wish you the best for the correct resolution.