Hanging in there

[gardens]

It's been about seven weeks since the breakup began, and if officially ended about two weeks ago. Ex and I had dated for almost one year. He's 39, I'm 42. Met at office---I know...I never date guys I work with but he was very persistent. We don't work in the same unit; only see each other in the office once or twice a week. Had great fun! Really enjoyed each other...met each other's friends, etc. He met my family (they live nearby). Best relationship I had ever been in. In May his parents were in town (live accross the country) and he made a big deal about me meeting them...took time off of work, etc. Really enjoyed them; they loved me. And then it all started to fall apart.

 

He started to freak out about commitment...mind you the only one who has ever brought up commitment was him. Memorial Day weekend was rough...after very mixed messages from him. I suggested we take a break. He agreed. Couldn't deal with his ups and downs. I'm also very involved in a large project a t work. During June we spoke on the phone several times and had lunch a few times. Have managed to keep our relationship confidential at work (we both live quite a ways from the office).

 

End of June I was really needing to move on from the limbo stage. We talked for a couple of hours...told him that I had missed him. He said the same, but said:

-he was geting used to being alone again

-was thinking about dating other women

-he was afraid he'd lose me because he would never meet someone as good as me, and that when he was ready to come back i would be gone.

 

I asked point blank if it was over...he couldn't actually say the words, but we finally agreed. I thanked him for a great relationship...told him how much fun I'd had with him (true!) and that I was really glad he pursued me. He was pretty blown away...said he didn't have the courage to have this conversation. I them asked why he made such a big deal about meeting his parents if he was so conflicted...he said that he really wanted them to meet me. Then said that he was very confused...mentioned going into therapy. I said i thought that might be a good idea.

 

So now it's been almost 3 weeks. Notice he his finding more opportunities to drop by my office. We had lunch last week...he asks my advice on all kinds of things. He asked about my family...he almost started crying...it was tough. I remained calm. Even wants me to pick out a new car for him!

 

Somethings I've learned though this:

-Since we work in the same place, NC is really not an option. For me, sometimes NC w/past ex bfs translates to over-idealizing the relationship.

-Have kept really busy. So important to schedule lots of stuff on the weekends.

-In terms of healing, it's really one day at a time. Often two steps forward, one back. One big change...when I have a bad day, and then a good day, each good day is substantially better than the previous one.

-I am glad that I did not freak out and become psycho ex gf. I love this guy, no doubt. But I do know that you can't make someone make a commitment even if their actions and words seem to say otherwise.

 

This board has been really helpful to me. I am not expecting we will get back together, however, my heart tells me that the final chapter is not yet written. Any advice for me?

[Reilly2856]

See how it plays out, but don't harbour any expectations. Like you said, he has a problem with commitment, so unless he has changed his mind, their really wouldn't be much point in pursuing the relationship. That is to say, if committment is still really important to you.

[arwen]

Hey gardens,

 

I think you handled the situation with this man in the best way possible. You really seem like a balanced woman, and certain of yourself. I know I wouldn't have the strength to walk away with this much grace.

 

But nonetheless, it of course feels different inside, doesn't it? This guy really has issues going on that are beyond your power. As Reilly suggested, try not to set yourself up for major disappointments. Don't expect things to turn a 180 degrees.

 

ilse

[gardens]

Thanks Reilly, and thanks ilse...very affirming. As I said to my friends, this was "my best breakup yet" (lol). I am feeling a little calmer and more like myself everyday. Latest info--he asked me to lunch yesterday...said he'd been up since 3:30 am, was sweating profusely (not like him), and then made a big deal about showing me a fortune (from a fortune cookie) he'd received the day before. Whatever...the good thing is between business travel and vacation, I won't really see him much over the next several weeks, which i think will help me. On a positive note--am really enjoying getting back in touch w/friends and family that I've been missing over the last several months. To all those dealing w/breakups...one of the most important things I've done is to schedule my weekends with lots of activities, especially outdoor things...sooooo important.

Gardens

[gardens]

It's been about a month since I've posted...here's the latest: I was out of the office for about three weeks beginning in late July, including a wonderful two-week vacation that was soooo needed. He has continued to come by my office, ask me to lunch on the days he's there. But I stopped initiating any contact with him. Would always feel so raw afterwards. He emailed me while I was away...I responded. Had to come into the office unexpectedly one afternoon during vacation...he popped in to see me and wanted to show me his new car (which I picked out for him!).

 

This Tuesday we saw each other for the first time in about two weeks...yup...he still makes my heart a-flutter, however, for the first time I didn't feel quite as wounded or hurt afterwards. He was in the middle of a meeting and couldn't stay. Ran into him later in the day by his office...and here's the strange part...he had tears in his eyes!! He looked me straight in the eye...didn't try to hide it from me...never seen him like this at the office. I was actually kind of concerned about him. This time I asked him if he wanted to have lunch...he said "I'd love to have lunch with you...but can't today. How about Friday?"

 

Regardless of him, I am feeling better. Of course I still love him, but when I start feeling really sad, I say to myself that I deserve to be with someone who REALLY wants to be with me. It's not easy...never knew I could produce so many tears! This board continues to be a source of support for me...hang in there everyone.

Gardens