Moving too fast? How to tell?

[The_Doc]

Wow didn't think I would be posting in here after my recent break up (is 3 months + that recent?)

 

Ok heres my dilemma...

 

I get on really well with the new girl and things have moved pretty fast.. she lost her appartment just before she had to go away to do some work so I said she could stay with me until she got bakc and found somewhere new.

 

So anyway she is back and she is currently 'living' with me. The thing is at first it was merely meant as a kind gesture. But now well I think my feelings are developing for her.

 

Trouble is I am terrified of moving too fast and scaring her off by asking her to stay. Although we've only been dating for a month we've seen a LOT of each other and both talked about this. She has said that she thought things were moving too fast at first but really liked spending time with me so has just gone with the flow.

 

However I also am plagued by doubts that she isn't as 'in to me' as I am into her. I think this is probably just me being paranoid after being hurt so badly by the break-up with my ex... and she has visibly 'warmed' towards me over the weekend affection-wise.

 

Anyway now the weekend is over, she has begun the appartment search and I am back at work.

 

Although we both initially said that we wanted something 'casual and uncomplicated' my feelings on this are changing but I don't know if hers are and I don't want to wreck the fun and great times we are having by being perceived as 'needy' and desperate'.

 

I really like this girl and want to move things forward. I know most of you will advise patience...

 

Comments please??

 

The Doc

[RayKay]

I think that if you want things to move forward, you really have to allow her to move out and allow the relationship to develop naturally. While I moved in with my boyfriend early (3 months into the relationship) we were both absolutely sure, had a relationship building and were 100% ready.

 

I think that if you are already living together before things even start, you may encounter some issues down the road related to being "forced" to live together so early on before you even chose a relationship to begin.

 

I really think asking her to stay, when she already stated casual and uncomplicated would be too much too soon..by all means ask her how she feels but I really think that if you two choose to live together already before you have the building blocks established (remember right now will be infatuation over true love, and you need to learn to know each other better) can be a death blow in the long run.

[MaxPayne19]

Yeah you really need some time to get to know this girl better first, before you go planning out your life together. Shes definitely not gonna want to be pressured into something shes not sure about. So I think that asking her to stay with you right now is not a good idea. You couldnt possibly be in love with this girl just yet, your just going through a period of infatuation with her. But if you really are dedicated to staying with her give her some time for the feelings to develop and be like her best friend.

[The_Doc]

Thanks Ray

 

I think you are probably right -- the thing is when we had 'the talk' casual and uncomplicated was what I wanted. But the last two weekends where we have effectively lived together has changed my view of what I want from the relationship.

 

The trouble is while she seems to be warming to me affectionally I just do not know if she feels differently as well, or whether no commitment (bar exclusivity) is what she still wants.

 

I guess the only way to find out is to talk to her and ask her??

[The_Doc]

Well we had a 'talk'. I didn't bring up the subject of living together but had made it clear before that I really like her being 'around'.

 

Anyway in the talk I basically told her that I had changed my mind since we last had a talk a few weeks ago.

 

Then I had said that I wanted a casual relationship where we enjoyed each others company but nothing serious. She agreed at the time.

 

So last night i told her I had changed my mind and she asked me to elaborate. So I said that I didn't want to 'restrict' what might happen, that I had a lot of fun, enjoyed her company, felt things were developing and was now happy to see where things went, happy to get involved.

 

I was very relieved when she told me that this was also how she had been thinking and that it appears we are 'singing from the same song sheet'.

 

Anyway I still don't want her to move out and I think she knows. But I feel I have said enough now and don't want to push things too far. I figured I wouldn't comment/mention her appartment hunting and just see how actively she pursues it.

 

Advice/comments

[RayKay]

I still think it is best she move out and find her own apartment.

 

It is hard to take things as they come and let a relationship grow "naturally" if they are already living you. It's like putting the cart before the horse, or closing the barn door after the cow escapes and all those other metaphors. In other words, it is committing before you can be entirely sure you are both ready and both want it.