Just been dumped by my girlfriend

[barryboy]

Firstly, im distraught, ive never felt so low in my entire life! There were no clues whatsover that this was around the corner. Secondly the fact that she did it by phone made it even worse! She has since txt me sayin she would like to meet soon so that things arent akward with us, when we return to university! I would dearly love to have her back, but it seems unrealistic. any thoughts?

 

Thanks Barry

[coolchick]

Hi Barry, Im sorry to hear what happened. There's not a lot that can be said to take away the confusion and anger after a sudden breakup. Did she give you any reason for the breakup? Sometimes people think about things and feel that the relationship isnt what they need at that time. Maybe you should meet up with her and find out exactly what made her decide this.

[Day_Walker]

The best advice I can give you is to dont start down the path of trying to get your ex back, if you read this board then you will see countless stories of people trying to get their ex's back spending a lot of time on a goal that isnt possible. Its up to you how you want to handle this situation with your ex, obviously you dont want things to be awkward between you and your ex if you attend the same university but at the same time you dont want to give yourself any false hope of getting back together with your ex. If you are able to be friendly with your ex then do so (notice that I didnt say friends). I would just do what is necessary so that you dont feel strange around her when you go back to university. Now you may be able to do this without meeting her or you may not, remember that you are doing this for yourself and not for her, so if she still feels uncomfortable then thats something she has to deal with.

[barryboy]

Her reasoning was that she didnt want to be in a serious relationship just now. However, i do not believe that the relationship was "serious" it was a healthy, normal relationship. It wasnt as if I was pestering her or anything and the fact that we live a fair distance apart meant that we saw each other perhaps two or three times a week at the most. I am of the opinion that it is something to do with the fact that we are both about to go on separate holidays with our friends, and perhaps she doesnt want to have a boyfriend when she is on holiday. It is strange though, as she was talking about what presents to buy for me only last week? I am in two minds whether to meet her or not, if i do then i can ask her in greater detail why? but i also feel she wants to meet for herself to feel better and not for me. Finally, i also feel that if i go then i will miss her even more afterwards. help needed, for this lonely boy!

 

Barry

[patience]

Firstly, I think it was disrespectful for her to break things off over the phone. That is so cowardly as well.

 

Then she texted you to ask you to meet? She didn't even have the decency to pick up the phone and call you? *red flags*

 

She doesn't seem to be making much of an effort with you. Maybe that is because of the distance, I don't know. *shrugs shoulders*

[barryboy]

Its really hard because we were like best friends before this at university we would call each other all the time, then after a class nite out we kissed and then started going on dates. i asked her to be my girlfriend and was delighted that she said yes! she even told my best pal, that she had never felt this way about anyone. Last week i took her away for a couple of days and she was talking about how she wanted to txt me when i go to ibiza and shes in greece( in just over a weeks time). After we got home from our few days away she said i dont want to go to work, cos i dont want to leave you! then two days later, bang its over! my only reckoning is that whilst out last friday she maybe kissed or worse slept with someone else, and had a change of heart about us?

[patience]

then two days later, bang its over! my only reckoning is that whilst out last friday she maybe kissed or worse slept with someone else, and had a change of heart about us?

 

I can really feel your pain. I am going through something very similar...a sudden 180, and I don't know why.

 

Try not to make assumptions about what she did/didn't do, that will just drive you crazy. Only she knows why she did what she did...and unless she tells you, you'll never know.

 

You could take the chance and meet with her. Listen to what she has to say. Maybe she's got some issues with commitment or something? Who knows?

 

Maybe she is not ready for the same sort of relationship you are ready for? Maybe she has cold feet? Maybe she wants to be single for awhile and there is no other guy at all? There are a billion questions, aren't there?

 

Because the break-up wasn't in person, you were cheated out of the chance to express your feelings and concerns. I don't think that mature people break-up over the phone. That just doesn't make any sense. I have just as many questions about my gf as you do about yours. It sucks. Oh, and me and my gf were friends for a long time too...years actually. I feel like I've lost not only my gf, but my friend. It really hurts.

[barryboy]

Exactly, im losing a person who i would talk to everyday even long before we started goin out! it was her that did all the chasing as well! the txt she sent me said, i think it would probably be a gd idea to meet before we both go on holiday, dont want hings to be akward with us! sorry things turned out this way, i didnt plan to hurt you! i thought i wanted to be serious as well but i realised i dont and it would be worse if i had waited any longer!

 

What gets me is the serious bit? how do u define serious? i ws just having a blast with someone who meant a great deal to me! she even said the last time i saw her( ) that it was so good that we acted the same way we did when we were just friends!

 

Dunno if she wants to meet for her benefit or mine? but i think i would like to get her to answer my questions, whether she does or not is a different matter?

[patience]

I think she is saying that she doesn't want to have a relationship with you. Don't read too much into her words. Why can't they just come out and say what they really mean! That is just so frustrating, isn't it?

 

In person is better than the telephone or online. You can pay attention to her tone of voice, her body language, etc. Her body language will reveal a great deal. If she is 'closed off' you will see it. If she says one thing, but her body language doesn't match her words, her body language is telling you the truth. A woman who wants to be with you will let that show.

 

She may want to keep you on the back burner if you know what I mean. She probably doesn't want to burn any bridges. I don't think it is possible to go back to being 'just friends' right away, or at all. You have feelings for her. It is selfish of her to expect that you will still be buddies. Some people just don't understand that.

 

You could call her and talk with her BEFORE meeting her. Pay attention to the tone of her voice. You will sense if she is comfortable or not. You've been friends, so you know what she sounds like when she is interested.

[barryboy]

yeah, u are making feel slightly better thanks. ive since heard that she always said she didnt want a serious relationship, maybe she always had that in her head? who knows? theres a party that we were invited to the week after we come back from our respective holidays, right now i feel as though i want her back, im hopin i dont when the party comes around. Or if i do then try to play it cool or try and make her jealous. i get the feeling from what ive heard from others that she is quite indecisive, and often goes back to her ex partners. i dont know if its just wishful thinking, but i get the feeling that this wont be the last encounter that we have, so i will just have to bide my time, and hope i can cheer up in ibiza, which is only 9 days away!

[patience]

some women don't want to have relationships, they like the fun of dating, and as soon as things start to really go somewhere, or 'get serious' (that means commitment) they back out...she may be one of those women...and it sounds like you are looking for a relationship, as opposed to just dating

 

I'm glad that you're feeling a little better

 

where's ibiza?

[scoobster]

Ibiza is in spain patience Hey dude i kno what both of you guys are goin through cause it happened to me to. One minute shes smiling and planing out what you to should do tomorrow the next she just ignores you. I feel for you guys. The only twist with me is that she came outta of a really bad longterm relationship right before we met, and she doesnt even want to hear from me. Listen i kno it hurts but if she (for both patiences and you) cares for you then the feelings will never die. If she wants to be friends then do just that, build a foundation with her. Patience is key. Hell at least you get to see her dude. just give it Time.

[barryboy]

Thanks man! just been speaking to a boy from uni, who said she did the exact same thing to her last boyfriend, so maybe she just doesnt want someone in her life. I really thought she was the one! I suppose that maybe once we go back to uni, there will always be something, cos its the first time weve both gone out wif someone from uni! who knows, i think im prepared to wait, but i cant stand the thought of her being with someone else! maybe i need to hook up with someone on holiday to make me feel a bit happier!

[patience]

you're young, you're single, have fun!!!

[barryboy]

yeah, i hope i can, its just difficullt. I think im taking it particularly badly as we had told each other absolutely everything, very personal things that i know for a fact would have been difficult for her to tell anyone, never mind a boyfriend, who was meant to be serious. so many things just dont fit! added to the fact is that i feel so alone, my parents left for a two week holiday in spain, the day before we broke up! my friends have been great but i dont think they knew how close i was to this person. I would tell her everything before i even told my friends! It makes me sad to think that i am suffering all this pain, while it doesnt seem to be affecting her at all! i feel like i know longer know her and its been less than a week since i last saw her! still confused!

[patience]

I feel confused too. I know things about her that no one else knows as well. She told me so much. I know what you are talking about. It's like she bared her soul to me. I don't get it either. It really doesn't make any sense.

 

Maybe they're messed up? Something just isn't 'right' if a person can just 'flip' like that.

[scoobster]

Yeah guys, the feeling sucks. Hey barry, if you guys had a good time together its impossible to forget that. I kno not seeing her or hearing from her is hard but give it time, if you were right for her shes gonna realize it sooner or later. I think that the only reason people "flip" like that is because of fear. Eliminate the fear dude.. Time time time

[barryboy]

yeah, maybe its just her. its interesting that i can remember that we had a conversation before we started going out with a group of uni friends, myself and her included. The subject was heartbreak, and i can clearly remember for sum reason that she said she'd never once fealt heartbreak in a relationship, and by the way she said it, you could tell it was true. But she has had a lot to deal with in other areas of life, thats what i was meaning when i said we shared very personal things together. I dont feel any anger towards her or any hatred at all. Even when my friends say bad stuff about her trying to make me feel better it just feels worse. Everything thereforeeee, rests on this meeting! Ive left the ball in her court to get back to me, i dont know i should play it once we meet, any ideas? act if it doesnt bother me, or let her know how much she has hurt me?

[patience]

I think you should be honest with her.

Open, honest communication is important.

Try to hold it together and stay as calm as possible...you don't want a scene...but keep it real.

[barryboy]

thanks for your help patience, it seems as though our stories are pretty similar! i just hate feeling this bad, i feel as though i dont even know her anymore and thats what cuts me up the most.

[patience]

i feel as though i dont even know her anymore and thats what cuts me up the most.

 

yes, that hurts so much...I feel disillusioned too...I am wondering if I EVER knew who she really was

 

I think this is part of breaking up, wondering what was real, and what wasn't...how often was it just an act to get what they wanted...did they ever really and truly love us

 

for me, the trust has been really damaged...even if my xgf does contact me (I'm not holding my breath anymore), I don't think I will be able to believe anything she says...and that makes me feel so sad

 

yep, I'm really confused!

[barryboy]

it is so difficult, like ive been thinkin if things turn out that we dont get the opportunity to meet before we go on our respective holidays then it will have been over a month without seeing her! i remember i was really down at the fact that i wouldnt see her for 17 days, when we were still going out, as was she, now it seems everything we had together doesnt mean anything to her at all! i really cant shake off this disapointment at all! i cant even be bothered thinkin about meetin other girls on holiday to be honest, ive never fealt as bad as this ever!

[patience]

I found an article last night that helped me, and maybe it would help you out to. I posted it in the Healing section. There are some really good tips.

 

Here's the link:

 

link removed

[barryboy]

thanks patience, a great read! just off to a party the now, so heres hopin that will take my mind off it! keep in touch!

[barryboy]

the latest wif my situation is that she hasnt yet txt me to arrange a day/time to meet. I dont know what to do? i leave for ibiza, early sat mornin, so that leaves us only tue, wed or thu nite! i kinda wish i could just say to her, we'll just leave it, cos then i would have closure. But i kinda want to see her, because if i dont then it will have been over a month since we broke up by the time we get back from our holidays and then it will feel more difficult. I also need to see her to get exam papers that she has of mine, for my exams in early august! i dont know why she hasnt got back to me, if she was going to do this why did she send the original message about wanting to meet up? any thoughts?