Questions? thought, searching

[TheFallenShadow]

OK, here goes...

there is this woman I know, we have become very close friends, and i have fallen deeply in love with her, problem is 1. I dont think she really understands that. 2. she is going through a bad divorce and I am emotional and physically separated from my wife.

Now the thing is, I have tried to give insight from a male side of things where as I have tried to understand from a womans side.

 

Its a strange situation we find ourselves in....

 

Hence, it make how I feel about her strange, I wasnt looking for love, not from her or anyone else, I had resigned myself to the fact that this is how life was suppose to be. I gave myself up to the kids and the wife. I love my boys, but its been a few years now that I havent really felt anything for my wife, its a shame because it is not fair to her, but i have tried over the years to do special things, like get flowers for her every friday, or leave sticky notes through out the house to say how much i want her and need her and love her, but to no avail. things just wouldnt work out, there was always something more important for her to do. I didnt want her attention all the time, understandable considering we have children, but when I ask to run up to the cafe for a cup of coffee and talk, no, I cant was the answer, but yet she could turn around and go with a friend and not me...so eventually, my heart and love died for my wife, and so I have been walking around for a few years now just going through the motions.

 

Now however, I have met this wonderful, beautiful and just OFS woman, and over time, that we have gotten to kknow each other little by little, I have fallen in love with her, I mean to tell ya, she is the first person i think of in the morning and the last person I think of when i go to sleep, when I can sleep, i get all tongue tied around her, and she makes me feel like a school boy. Just being around her, makes my heart race and my palm sweat. Some would say that its lust, and maybe to a point it is, but there is so much more about her, outside of the fact that in my eyes she is absolutely stunning. I long for her, to hold her near me, to feel her heartbeat next to mine, to dance in the rain with her, a to simply take a walk with her.

 

But at the same time we both are going through rough times, and with each other it seems as if we are constantly trying to find the boundries in which we can remain without hurting each other. I cant get her out of my head. And I try and tell her that she is a wonderful, beautiful and sexy woman, not only for her body but for her heart. She has such a gentle and warm heart...she is my angel, or so i call her. because to me she is as beautiful as an angel, but even words sometimes pale in comparison to how truly wonderful she is.

 

I guess I figure if I can help her through her rough time, that i can help myself at the sametime. We always joke about either on of us being all that and a bag of chips, but i want for us to be. and make the discoveries of how good a life can be with a partner. not someone who is trying to be your mother or your father.

 

It kills me inside that she doesnt know how i really feel for her, I just want to holler out and say I love her, and who cares what other people think. I would be honored and proud to have her on my arm, and to go out and public with her, hold her hand, kiss her on the cheek. whatever, I hold doors open for her and all the things that go along with trying to be a gentleman. but in my mind I guess it falls short somewhere....i just dont know...hell because of our situation, we can even go out on a real date...i would love to take her dancing, it is something that we both enjoy.....

It does kill me to know that we cant say anything, or the fact that she really doesnt know how I feel for her or how much I want to be with her...I want to be her man...so to speak....

 

any help out there?

[eagleman8]

Your post caught my eye because the first couple paragraphs match the story of my ruined marriage almost to a "T". As far as the situation with your woman friend, man, it sounds like a tough one. Are there some external factors preventing you from telling her how you feel? Do you think it could hurt your friendship if you told her? Could you forgive yourself if you don't tell her, and nothing more comes of the relationship? Such things so often seem to happen when other matters are in the way- like you two just coming out of bad situations. I just wonder if being patient- although I see how difficult that could be- might be the best thing. Jeff

[TheFallenShadow]

Thanks for the feedback,

However there is always it seems factors that play into this, both of us have children, so weekend and schedules at times are frustrating, I would assume for both of us. Plus there are other variables at play, not to mention a hell of a drive for me to go see her, in which i would do gladly if circumstances where not as they are. It strange, that i never thought that i would feel this way again, It was as if I had started to bury what little feelings i had, and just settled for what there was....the funny part about that it is, i was never one to settle for anything.

 

So when my friend came into my life, it was as if by magic or fate, it brought us together, and even at first i dont think there was an attraction, but we got to talking and then the next thing I know we became friends and talked alot....well over time i came to care for her, and then it got to the point where all i do is think of her...all i know it seems that the bug has bit me and I got it bad for her...

[Shadows Light]

I can't really tell by your post what you're question is? The response that EAGLEMAN8 came up with seem to be "Patience". One of the Virtues after all.

 

You say that you've been her friend. And that she is going through a NASTY divorce. I'm sure that she appreciates having a strong shoulder to cry on and a male perspective during these hard times. You haven't said if you've opened yourself up to her in your post...but I guess I'll add a word of caution for you. Are you sure that what "YOU" arn't feeling is a little bit of rebound. That is always a fear. What if this "ANGEL of paragon and virtue" turns out to have a rusty halo and tatered beaten down wings? Just a thought.

 

Its refreshing and even awe inspiring to hear a man talk about someone the way you have talk about her. And I'm sure you are just sweeping her off her feet... however, it sounds as if she's pretty much swept off her feet going through a divorce.

 

I can tell you from experience. My experience that she is probably scared, and all alone... and scared to death and all alone. I have 2 children myself. And I know that they are the most precious thing in the world to me. I left a marriage to save myself... and to save them. I would be very leary at this stage of the game to put myself back into the frying pan let alone take them with me. Hell, right now... if I get up every morning, make it to work, nothing breaks, no one gets hurt, and I can put food on the table...and the kids bathed and bedded and in one piece... I consider it a good day. Let alone thoughts of anything else. I'll bet you even money she's exhausted... I know I sure as hell am.

 

Can't speak for your lady love...but I was made promises. And I was told all those wonderful things and I was led down the garden path. No... not the same..I don't think I've ever been spoken to quite so eloquently or been treated like an ANGEL...lol. I was was treated more like the devil in disquise. You call her ANGEL... LOL.. I can think of not so lovely names my ex called me... and still calls me today... LOL... You'd think old beazlebub and I were kin folk.....

 

Back to my point... filing for a divorce to get out of a bad situation was a big step for me. I had more to consider than just me. My kids. And ALL the choices I make... everything I say or do.. will affect them for the rest of thier lives. Certainly... I didn't think our situation was a healthy one. Verbal abuse. Throwing tantrums.. he' break things... good old apathy... drinking.... diregard... ohhh yes and extra curricular activities along with excentric taste in...ahhhem... whatever whatever... and finally .. the thing that broke the camels back. A disregard for my kids.. seeing that he was storming at the kids THAT MADE ME SEE RED. All I could think of was... I wouldn't let him do it to them. I'd have put up with ANYTHING... because I too settled. But I didn't struggle to put these kids on this gods green earth to have someone tear them down to shreds.

 

Soooo I can see where your lady love may have trepidation and would be commitment phobic. I'm sure she's still hurting very deeply. No one gets married to get divorced. And right now she's in the middle of a fight for her life. Regaining her life for herself and her children. Figuring out who she is and trying to sort it all out.

 

Patience. Have patience. I'm glad that you have found "Love" and a rare gem in this day and age. One of the greatest things you have going for you is that you are her friend. That you have a friendship. Sounds like thats the best medicine for both of you. No matter how this comes out in the wash, you should hold on to it.

 

LOL... I wrote a few other posts under "Smooth Move" in Romance section. You sound very much like that gentleman I was talking about. The little things. Holding a door open, holding her hand, a kiss on the cheek, a smile. Kind words, lots of laughs... you have to laugh... this world beats the every living crap out of you that you just have to find the humor in it all to survive.

 

All the things that you've mentioned above that you do for her.... sound very very sweet. What woman wouldn't love that kind of Love, devotion and attention? Do you think that maybe she is just holding the reigns in because maybe she can't let herself go? Or maybe she wonders if she's being handed a line... or if she's being strung along.. or hell who knows... you might be too good to be true. and right now it just blows her mind away... or maybe Because she's afraid of the hurt or to be hurt again? or maybe she's too focused on trying to get out of her NASTY DIVORCE and needs to put that behind her.

 

Also... you mentioned that you are emotionally and physically separated from you wife. Are you divorced? in the midst of Divorce Court? Sounds like you have much in your back-yard to clean up before either one of you can even pursue any type of open relationship. Maybe she's unsure of you because of your situation. Separated you may be... Free you are not. Thats a biggie. LOL. I know I wouldn't want to tangle with anyones hellcat of a wife right now... Not NO but HELL NO... the thought sends cold chills running up and down my spine. A very precarious situation you find yourself in my friend.

 

Not knowing all the variables...and exactly what her issues are with her divorce... or yours for that matter. But I can speak from my own heart... I'd be afraid of letting myself go again. And not being able to catch my heart if it should crumble. My worst fear in getting involved with someone is that I would be used again. Or I'd think about my kids... OMG.. I'm like a mother lion with my cubs.. I think I'd tear into anything breathing if they hurt my kids.

 

I have a friend who just remarried. Its a case of her 3 kids and his 3 kids. And OMG.. the blended family. He has problems with her kids. And she has problems with his. And the two of them butt heads over how to raise those kids. Its amazing. Its been quite interesting taking notes and seeing how they handle the issues that crop up.

 

Yikes... this post can go on and on... with What if's. LOL... Sorry, I don't know if I've been a help or hinderance here. I responded to your post because it sounded like one of the most romantic.. compared to most down the thread. LOL.

 

Romance my dear man is a lost art it seems. Whatever you do. Keep that alive and kicking.

 

My advice to you. Do what you have to do for your own situation and take care of that. Let her get out and on land on her feet again. And in the mean time... continue to be her friend and nurture that friendship. Friends are few and far inbetween in this lifetime. I'm sure that given time and patience, you'll dance in the rain, walk under the stars and giggle to your hearts content. LOL. If you truly love her and are head over heals in love with her and you are her friend.... I am sure that love will be recipricated.. if it isn't already recipricated.

 

Which brings me to my last final observation... WOW.. I haven't thought of that... What if she loves you...but its not as intense as you love her??? Meaning... you sound like a very deep deep romantic individual... could it be that you "love" more deeply than others... meaning... how will you ever know she loves you enough... What would it take? or what if she can't love you with the same intensity that you think is right... or feel right.... orrrr..... if right now.. she only has sooooo much of her heart to give... what would be enough???? Sorry... I tried to help... I hope I have and not just raised more questions for you or your level of anxiety...

 

My last and final piece of advice...ok a few of them... A good friend of mine ... told me "Improvise, addapt and overcome.." Don't know if it fits your situation..but its gotten me through an anxious moment or two.

 

Relax... Relax ... Relax....

 

And last but not least... my favorite analogy of all time... Ever go white water rafting??? Well... its easier to go with the rapids and the water than it is to STAND up against the currents and fight it. So.... just relax and see what adventures that this little trip takes you on. LOL. Enjoy the ride.

 

Let me know how you're doing and PM me anytime.

[TheFallenShadow]

Thanks again for the feedback.

 

Yes, it seem there is many more questions now, but the fact remains that i love her. and some day soon, I hope that she will come to realize that.

[TheFallenShadow]

Thanks again,

 

Now that I have had the better part of the day to think about what you had written, I am no more farther ahead then I was before, maybe a little more confused and not feeling so sure of myself…

 

I know that I am trying very hard to control what I feel and how I feel, and it has been for many years that I have always been able to mask my feelings, emotions, what not. Hence that is why I have always been a shadow, a ghost, whatever you want to call it among the people that I know and work with. But when I met her…I got this funny feeling, I cant describe it, but it was something that I had never ever felt before, not even when I met my soon to be ex-wife. And at first when we weren't around each other, no biggy, I just went about my way and her on her way….both of us dealing with life in general….Oh, but when she was near, OMG, my heart raced, my palms would sweat, I would just get this overwhelming feeling of bliss.

 

Through conversation and emails, and what not, I think a bond started to form, and we would set and just talk openly about things. Children, spouses, work, art, whatever struck our fancy at the time. And through most all this, I felt a deeper connection….but I was afraid to say anything…thinking to myself, that she was way out of my league, there was no way I would have a chance with a woman like that…And we both still had…things to deal with..

 

It was sometime, that we talked, eventually, we started going at lunch time for coffee, to talk about what was going on in our lives ( separately), then it turned into coffee, or lunch….and it seemed in those moments that everything around us was gone, it was just the two of us. It is a beautiful thing, golden in the basking of the light of her company. I never wanted more from her then she could give. I just wanted to help her through her rough times, be a shoulder to cry on, some one to lean on. By doing so I learned a few things about myself. I found that in my world of pain, bitterness and darkness, that she had began to paint the colors of life back into me…and I guess in some ways I was trying to do the same for her. To let her know that whatever may come, that she was and is a beautiful, inspiring and wonderful woman. That there wasn't anything wrong with her. I would tell her that her ex didn't know that the hell he had or how lucky he was….And some of the things that he would do or say to her….it just sent me to being angry, for the way he treated her. She should be treated with all the kindness, gentleness, honor and respect due her not only for herself but treated as a lady should be treated.

 

Then she kissed me, and I about fell over, I couldn't believe that this gorgeous woman just kissed me. I was stunned. Shocked, but it was a welcome surprise. So then my thinking began to change, to start to wonder if that kiss was something a friend would do, or something more? I didn't know. I relish that first kiss more so then I could have the first time I ever got kissed. To taste her lips on mine was the sweetest thing I ever tasted…But as it is life again takes hold and you deal with life…but now the seed of wanting and longing began creep within my heart…

 

Eventually we became even closer, and as everyday that passes by, I become more and more in love with her. And so now I find myself, trying very hard to make her smile, to make her life, to paint the colors of life back into her. We both however have a tendency to over think things, we call it getting into are heads, and tell each other all the time not to. Its just really hard for me to see her going through some of this stuff and not being able to be there for her…The only comfort I can give her is in my words, and a smile, a witty joke or a funny comment. I even worked up enough muster to tell her, and I told her that I LOVE YOU.

 

And yes it was a big step for me, to let that go. To let that part of me open to that, to want to feel that again. I understand the patience thing, but what happens if patience doesn't work out, and through waiting patiencely we lose what could be the greatest of love's in both our lives. There are to many what if's. to many variables, there are at times to much of everything. But not enough time it seems. When I told her that I love you, the look on her face, I cant even begin to know what crossed her mind, I was scared that I would drive her away, scared that we couldn't be friends anymore, scare that I said the wrong thing, scared to death that she would scorn me, and cast me off like some jackobite. So yes there many factors to this estranged relationship that scare me, but I am not going to show that. I can't, I want her to know that I am strong, and that I can be what she needs me to be. I want to be the one that makes her happy, the one that opens the door for her, the one that brushes up against her and makes her quiver, to whisper the words in her ear, to hold her close and the gently kiss her neck and ears, to dance with her in the middle of the kitchen when a slow song plays on the radio. The only thing that I would ask of her, is to be herself and to simply just love me.( OK and a fine cup of coffee as well….LOL)

 

For the longest time I didn't know where I stood with her, weather we were friends or more then that. But I continue to do what I do, making her smile and laugh is my biggest thing, I love to see her smile, the light in her eyes, the way her face lights up, the little bit thing she does with her lip…if she only knew how much I become a bucket of goo around her. She would probably laugh if she knew. But at the same time I would think that it would make her happy to know how much one person, could want, desire, long for her… Of course then again I am just a bag of nickels. She is more then an angel, and more then she gives herself credit for. I don't expect a fairy tale ending, and all this is just make believe. But I do know that I could love her the right way, I could be the one that she dreams of. I don't think any of us are paragons of virtue, we all have our faults, and I know what mine are, that's what gives me the Edge over most. But that's another story all in itself…So again, I am not making her out to be more then she is, I just see her in a different light then she see's herself.

[Shadows Light]

Your posts intrique me. From more than one perspective. We both have a play on the "shadow" in our screen name.

 

So she kissed you eh? Well.... I guess that places the blame squarely where it should be.

 

Give it time and patience. What will be will be in the end.

[TheFallenShadow]

Well Light, I dont know where we both came up with the spin on the shadow thing? but whatever works.

 

As for intriquing. I dont know about all that, I am simply trying to say the things that are in my mind, less the things that are in my heart. So if you want to expond on what intrigues you maybe I can explain them more so in detail, But then again, I dont think anyone wants to read whatever sappy emotions or words i have from a old broken down soul, that wants to grab ahold of love again and give it another shot. But then again, i think sometimes fear and the no knowing makes people trepidatious about new things.

 

Thou I know in my soul, that I love this woman, very much so, because when people go through rough times, you get to glimpse into who and what they really are....and so by seeing her going through some of the things that she is, she has shone me, more of her true self, then she knows, and with that the basis of chaos, she has shone much. and there is a connection between us.

 

Sometimes we talk, eveyonce in while, I have even heard her say that she loves me. so is there more then friendship, I think so, but i want her to say that to me, and know that she means it, and not because she thinks I want to hear it. I want from her, only herself and nothing more. We sometimes talk as if there is a future with us, like one day we sat in the park having coffee, and an older couple walked by, and she looked at me a said " that is going to be us in 20 years." I nearly fell off the bench, and that spark grew within me, that yes, there is a chance that we will be together in the future... and i cling to that, sometimes I wish, she only knew....

 

Ok, so i think I need to stop before i get sappy...would like to hear back from you.

 

PM if you would like.

and thanks again

[Shadows Light]

The intrique stems from the depth and breadth of emotion that you put down to paper. Very rare on these forums. You express yourself well.

 

As far as your lady love is concerend. You mentioned that there is much chaos in her life and that through this chaos you've seen the real person she is. Is there any chance your feelings may not be that of a "Knight in shining armor" wanting to save her... feeling sorry for her situation...Just a general question, don't get to caught up in it.

 

I can hear the uncertainty in your post. Don't know what to tell you other than what has been said. Maybe she needs to figure out a way out of her "Chao's" before she can look toward any type of normalcy or future.

 

Again... in reference to my first reply to you. It doesn't sound like your back yard is any cleaner. Sounds as if its full of land mines and what not. You might consider looking to what you are going to do with your life and putting your affairs in order. Are you going to stay in your situation....???? and if you are, you need to move to that end to fix it. Is your situation at a cross roads... then you need to move on and take care of busisness. Neither one of you are free from entanglements to pursue any sort of venture to see if its the path you want to take. You mentioned no being able to go on a "real date".... that darlin is paramount to getting to know each other better. I think I pointed that out to someone in another post. Dating or Courting... is how you figure out if all the pieces of the puzzle fit together. And if they don't, you learn from it and you move on.

 

Sooooo, my broken soulful shadow.... pick yourself up.. dust yourself off...and get into the light. Its time you started livnig or figuring out how you are going to do that. ONE PERSON is not responsible for your entire happiness. Its wonderful that you've come up to see the sun.... but now you have to pursue it. Don't make her responsible for ALL of your happiness. Because what if she fails....or you find out truly truly that she isn't all that and a bag of chips. You'll break her heart.