Finally going to mix work and pleasure again...I think

[Blurr]

Hello everyone,

 

This is my first time posting on this board, but I've been trolling around for a while. I just need some advice before I cross a line I told myself I never would...so I guess a little background would be in order before I get into my problem/question.

 

Quite a few years ago I was working at my first real job, which was stocking shelves at the local Safeway. I worked there for about 1.5 years and had gone out with one of the girls there. Things didn't work out but we remained friends of a sort. Then this new girl started and I had a big crush on her. We talked and had fun at work, and then one day I asked her if she wanted to go for coffee. She accepted and I waited a week for her to call me (I didn't want to seem overly aggressive so I gave her my number). Week went by and no call and when I saw her at work I asked her what was up and why she hadn't called. She proceeded to tell me that her and her boyfriend had been fighting and thats why she had accepted my offer (??). I said that was OK and told her that we could go out just as friends, nothing serious and asked her to call me again.

 

Another week goes by and I get called into my managers office. Apparently I am making this girl uncomfortable and she wants me to stop asking her out. I get brought up on sexual harrasment (no criminal charges or anything were laid) and needless to say from that point on I swore to myself that I would never mix work with pleasure again.

 

...

 

Fast forward to 5 years down the road. I am at my current job and have met a lot of nice girls here. Of course, I've never gone any farther than being work friends with them as I've told myself time and time again that no matter how tempting, I won't cross that line between work and pleasure.

 

Well, I think I might just go ahead and break my own rule finally, but I am really afraid to. See there is this new girl who started at my work. The first time I saw her my heart got caught in my throat...she is one of the most gorgeous women I have ever met. Not only that, after talking to her for a while I've found her to be most pleasent and she has a great sense of humor. We seem to get along really good and have no troubles talking about anything (I even told her about my unfortunate incident at my previous job and she was shocked).

 

Now, the reason I think I may break my unbreakable rule, is I feel as though I am getting all sorts of signs from her that she is interested in going out (perhaps not a serious relationship just yet, but dating to get to know eachother better). A few examples...we all went out to the pub the other week (me, her and a bunch of friends from work) for some drinks. We all had a good time and as everyone was leaving, she asked me to stay and have a drink with her. Needless to say I accepted and we chatted for a bit before we both had to go home.

 

Next example is, we were out having a smoke at work and were talking about movies with my boss. He asked me if I was going to see this one particular movie and I replied 'Hell no!' which was quickly met with 'Yes you are, we're going to go see it' I look over and am surprised to see that the girl I'm interested in had said this. I sheepishly answered (while trying not to look too shocked or blush) 'Ok, sure!'.

 

And finally she has come over to my place a few times (always with friends) and we seem to get along swimmingly.

 

I've pretty much decided that I AM going to forgo my golden rule and ask her out, but I'm waivering on when I should do it and how. I'm invited out with her and some friends for some birthday drinks on the 6th, so I was thinking about waiting until after then. But I was also thinking about asking her this week about taking her up on the offer to go see a movie...Thus, I leave my question with you good people and hope someone can give me some advice.

 

Thanks and I REALLY apologize for the long post...just had a LOT of stuff on my chest and had to get it all out in the open.

[Blurr]

Is anyone able to give me any advice? I'm surfin around the forum and no one has taken the time to answer my post

 

I have setup a date with her on Saturday to go to the movies, so I guess things are good, but what does anyone think about the way she acts towards me? I have a good feeling but I tend to be a little blinded when it comes to this sort of thing...I only see what I wanna see...

[ves]

If she's trying to see you alone, without the safety of friends, I'd say she's interested. I'm interested in a guy I used to work with. I dropped all kinds of hints like, "hey we should go see that movie" or "let's hang out sometime" all of which I'm sure were way too subtle for the average male but like shouting it from the rooftops girl-wise.

 

I say go for it, but with a healthy dose of caution. You've established a level of comfort with hanging out with friends. She seems willing to at the very least spend time alone with you. Good sign! Take it slow and I think things will go well.

 

And thanks for the reminder that guys have fears about asking girls who are interested out - I'm obsessing over my crush and I'm worried that I'm going to cross the line from obviously interested into desperate stalker.

[Blurr]

Ves, thanks for the advice.

 

It's funny how much your attitude and feelings can change in a day. I've always been an insecure person mainly because I don't have the perfect body with 3% body fat. I'm by no means obese, but I could stand to lose a little flab (which I have been working on).

 

Today I was talking to a mutual friend at work and he told me..well, here is a quote from the email he sent me:

 

nothing bad. don't worry. just some interesting information that you would like to know. about another guy who has interest...and the situation that might occur...

 

He told me earlier that he had something to tell me about this girl that might make or break my chances so this was in response to my inquiry about that.

 

Ever since then I've spent the day worrying and stressing out, thinking to myself for being a fool and for wondering why I'm even bothering to try. Like I said, I sometimes just see what I want to see when it comes to someone I'm interested in. I take all the signs and amplify them to the point where I imagine that the girl is just enthralled with me, when really she has no interest other than just being friends.

 

*sigh*

 

I'm probably over analyzing things, but I feel really down and depressed now which is a big change from yesterday when I was up and happy and nothing could bring me down. What is wrong with me and why do I end up tormenting myself like this...it's like I have this built in mechanism in my brain that immediately turns on when there is any sort of doubt as to what may happen between me and a crush.

[ves]

Like I said, I sometimes just see what I want to see when it comes to someone I'm interested in. I take all the signs and amplify them to the point where I imagine that the girl is just enthralled with me, when really she has no interest other than just being friends.

You're absolutely not alone in this - I do this too. I have this lovely cycle of meet a guy, develop a crush, blow good "signs" way out of proportion, then blow bad "signs" way out of proportion, stop crushing and never date them or admit any kind of feelings. It's like I'm having fake relationships over and over again. ](*,)

 

I'm trying to stop the cycle since it usually ends up with me looking in the mirror and going, "He only doesn't like me because I'm a huge fat cow, if I would just lose 80lbs we would ride off into the sunset in endless bliss." As if my weight is the only barrier - there are tons of skinny people who can't find happiness including my best friend, and fat people who are married to the love of their lives.

 

It seems to me that skinny people can get dates faster, but not necessarily relationships. I think it's because most initial attraction is based on physical attributes, but in order to have a relationship with someone your personalities have to click. The guy that I like probably wouldn't be considered attractive by standard terms, but I think he's cute, and he's more attractive to me because of who he is. I've also known traditionally "hot" guys who are repulsive to me because of their personality. Girls definitely understand the phenomenon of "his personality makes him cuter". Don't stress about how you look.

 

So is your friend going to be more straight with you? That email quote is pretty vague! Another guy has interest. A situation MIGHT occur. Jeez, that's like 99% of relationships. Calm down the obsessing, take a deep breath and remember you are an awesome person. If she doesn't see this (and IMO it sounds like she does!) she's not worth your interest. I know, easier said than believed!

 

Good luck tonight!!! Tell us how it goes.

[Blurr]

Ok so, the whole thing about someone else having interest wasn't a big deal after all. There is a guy at work that flirts with her and apparently REALLY wants her, but of course he is married and has kids and she isn't the type to go after a married man. Plus, she has told me on occasion that he is completely harmless so the worst that would happen there would be he would be pissed off at me...when quite honestly, I don't care what he thinks.

 

So we ended up going out to dinner and a movie on Saturday night. It was a really great time! She drove to my place (since I am currently carless) and I ended up driving to the restaurant (letting me drive her car on the first date seems like a good sign!) and the theatre. We talked the entire time...on the ride in, during dinner, at the movie...the conversation came so easily. I was surprised how comfortable with her I was...we talked about anything and everything and had a lot of laughs.

 

After the movie we went to my place and relaxed on the couch. Nothing happened besides a back rub. I was very very tempted to move on my "impulses" but I held back. On many dates I've ended up making out and having a big grope fest, but this time I stoped becuase I want to know her more before I start falling head over heels for her (which may not be too far off anyways). Still, she said earlier in the evening that she thought I was quite the gentleman, so I took it to heart.

 

Although I did have the feeling she wanted me to make the move...regardless I think we'll be seeing eachother again, if not tomorrow. The only thing I got worried about was saying goodbye...I want to hug her and she kissed me instead...it just felt kind of awkward since it wasn't what I was expecting...regardless...we'll see how things ride out. Needless to say I'm feeling pretty good and can't want to see her and talk to her again

 

By the way, thanks for your advice ves, you definitely helped me out

[ves]

That's great! Glad to help, and I'm glad it went so well! Kudos for being such a gentleman. She definitely likes you if she kissed you! I think it's smart to hold back a little and let her do a little (but not all of the) pursuing. As you well know, guys pursuing girls at work can lead to misunderstanding and harassment accusations. I'd definitely say there's reciprocal interest here, though. Tread carefully but have fun.