I need help, please . . . .

[DyingInsideOut]

To make a long story short, we were together for 3 1/2 years. Broke up in October of last year, but have still been in contact with each other. I truly truly love him, but there are so many problems. I have been back and forth on wanting to be together and I know that I have hurt him during all of this. Last week I told him I was sure that I wanted to work on things. He didn't really indicate to me what he wanted, which I understand was his way of protecting himself. Well, we talked last night and he told me that yes, he does want to work on things, that because we have been apart for such a long period of time that we need to get to know one another again and rekindle the spark that we once had. I agreed. We also talked about the problems that we have had and were able to come up with compromises on them. A few hours after we talked, I sent him a txt msg asking him to come over and stay with me. He said he didn't think it was a good idea. I got extremely upset and started crying and screaming at him. Needless to say, the night ended badly because of my behavior. The reason I got so upset is because I am moving over 1200 miles in 4 weeks and our time together is very limited. I don't want to waste another day being apart from him. We had both previously discussed him moving with me and he was going to but then we split again and now time is running out for us to see if things are going to work or not. I love him with all my heart and truly believe that he is my soulmate. But I am scared that my tantrum last night may have shoved him away and that I might have lost him. I sent him an email this morning, he responded that he received it, but that he had to go out and would respond later. I'm just so scared right now.

 

Thank you for listening.

[starion]

it didn't shove him away, i don't think so.

but your moving away so far can make things complicated.

i am going slow with reconciliation, feel weird at times but know that this is what i want and she wants the same. I also don't feel comfortable with staying overnight just yet so maybe it is a normal response.

[Hope75]

You should read this post, she is in a very similar situation as you...a little bit more fresh out of the breakup, though...

 

 

link removed

[DyingInsideOut]

Starion, Thank you for your response. Can I ask why you don't feel comfortable staying overnight?? It's not that I wanted to have sex, I just wanted him laying next to me. It's been soooo long since I've been able to just hold him.

 

Hope, thank you for sending the other post. I read most of it and somewhat can relate to Gradle's pain. I'm just terrified that he will decide that he doesn't want to work on this anymore. I don't blow up like that often but I just wanted to see him so badly. I know that if he decides he doesn't want to be with me then I won't bother him. I won't call him and I won't pressure him, but it will be very very difficult.

 

UGHHHHHHH

[gradle]

Hi dying,

Oh your name, I understand, I feel the same…your story is heartbreakingly similar to mine….i wish I had a definite answer to give you on how to make things better…I know we all do… I'm in a very similar situation, and I'm in panic mode too about what to do when we know we're going to be so far apart so soon, and when you love someone so much that it hurts…

The best advice I can give you, that I wish I had taken, is to try and be calm and cool when you talk to him…someone said to me, do you think he really wants to be w/ someone who throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way (I realize that this is a pretty big thing to not go our way though) but they're right…we have to try and be strong, or at least act strong and one day we will be strong…

I realize you're probably not at a point to really move on yet…the best advice I can give you is to be yourself and try to make yourself better…I know I threw tantrums when my boy broke up with me…and it has just driven him further away, and I have learned from that, to try and control these anxiety/panic attacks…

Please, listen to me….i really want the best for you…I don't know how often you guys talk…but please, give him some space, when you do talk, try and be calm and not always steer to the relationship talk…he's right, you two have to start learning each other all over again, be glad he seems willing to…remind him of how awesome and fun you are…try and stay strong okay?

This forum has helped me a great deal…even though often the people try and convince me to move on although I know I'm not ready…but they have been a great support system and have offered some very sound advice… whenever you're about to have a panic attack or freak out or whatever…just post here or call one of your friends and go out…don't go to him for that panic attack…he's not ready for that yet…try and start from the beginning w/ him. and in the beginning don't you think he would have freaked out if you acted like that?

Please keep me/us posted…

[DyingInsideOut]

Gradle,

 

Thank you soooo much for your post. I'm doing the best I can right now. I'm just so scared of what he will say when he finally responds to my email. It's been over two hours since I sent it to him. I'm working right now, but I can't even concentrate on that. I know he doesn't want to be with someone that throws tantrums (neither would I) and I know I was a complete idiot for doing so. I just hope that he understands why I did it. I am in panic mode and freaking out about a lot of things because of this move. And one of the main things is not being able to see him everyday. I talk to him probably 3-4 times a day and we send each other emails all day too as well as txt messages. We haven't ever really let each other go and I'm scared that this could be it. I guess if it is, there's not much I can do to prevent it. I'll just have to accept it and move on with my life. But I will be very sad for a very long time.

[starion]

i think that in my case we have already made a commitment to make things work so there is no what will he or she say. it definitely makes things easier. why did i feel uncomfortable staying? i don't know it is hard to say. maybe because we have been apart for about 9 months, maybe because we used to live together and it feels a little weird to not do all of the things together, maybe i don't want to get ahead of myself, maybe it is a self-defense mechanism. i also have been depressed about this whole emotional stuff over the last year, it does have an effect on emotions and feelings.

[DyingInsideOut]

Well, he's back from being out. He sent me a message saying he had things to do and that he would write when he got a chance. This kills me and he knows it. I understand he's at work and has to do work, and yes, he did send me a message to let me know that he was back and would write later, but he knows that I hate waiting. That I'm not a very patient person. I'll be sitting here watching and waiting for his email. Just like I've done for the last week when I've poured out my feelings for him to him and waited to hear back from him but he never responded as to how he felt.

 

I know I'm rambling, and I'm sorry. I just need to get it off my chest.

[DN]

The problem is that, after having decided to work things out, you then demonstrated that nothing has changed. He may be delaying replying because he is still trying to decide what to do. I think you have some major fence-mending to do.

 

Why are you moving so far away and for how long? Have you discussed how to manage an ldr?

[DyingInsideOut]

I know that there is some major fence-mending to do and I tried to do just that when I sent him my email this morning. I did apologize for freaking out and told him why I thought I had done it.

 

I am moving back home to be with my family. I have children and they have never been around their grandparents. We have discussed it and he was supposed to go with me. But since we split, obviously that changed, but now we are talking again. I think that if things can be repaired and we can start again and things go well, he will eventually join me.

[starion]

please understand that from october to now(i broke up in late september) a lot of time has passed. i find it difficult to jump back in just like that. don't get me wrong i want things to work out very much and they will. if both want it then if will happen. he may feel that he has an upper hand emotion - wise and is taking his time.

[DyingInsideOut]

I heard back from him . . . . . . . .

 

He's mad. And of course he has every right to be. I'm so torn up. He said that he doesn't even know what we have right now for a relationship because we haven't really been together. He's right. We have to get to know one another all over again and I'm soooo willing to do that. He also said that he's not "in" love with me, but that he does love and care about me. He didn't say whether he can potentially forgive me once he is past his anger and I'm too scared to ask him.

 

What do I do????? How do I respond????

[gradle]

my suggestion is to tell him what you just told us..that he's right, he has every right to be mad, that you went overboard and that you are sorry...that you want to give him time to consider it...i'm sure he can forgive you, it doesn't sound like you did anything unforgivable...but don't ask...just give it time to work itself out. hard to do, i know

[DyingInsideOut]

Gradle, I did what you said to. I basically cut and pasted what you wrote and said I would give him the time to decide whether he could forgive me or not. I also told him that I was sorry that he didn't know what kind of relationship we have right now because I know that what we have always had has always been very special. Was that wrong of me???? I didn't ask any questions at all. Just left it open for him to respond when he feels like it.

[gradle]

i personally think that that's okay...now try to not beat yourself up over it...get up and go have pleasant chats iwth your coworkers...try and get it off your mind, as difficult as that is...let him take this time to decide how he feels, and i hope he feels that it will be okay..but just prepare yourself to wait a while, okay?

[DyingInsideOut]

Surprise, he wrote back. But all he said was Thank you for saying that. I guess he was saying thank you because I told him to take the time he needed to consider whether he could forgive me or not (Your idea Gradle! Thanks!!!). He then went on to tell me about his day and asking how mine was going. I responded that it was going good and that I was finally getting some things done. I didn't say anything about "us".

 

Now here's the kicker . . . . . . before my tantrum, we had made plans for him to come over tonight. We won't be able to see each other over the weekend because I already have plans with friends of mine. So I had told him that he could come over either Thursday night or Friday night. Well, he picked Thursday. I'm not going to ask him if he is still coming over. I figured I would leave it to him to tell me whether he wants to come or not. If he decides not to come tonight then I won't get to see him until Thursday of next week because I have plans this weekend, he belongs to a couple of different clubs (pool and motorcycle) and they have their things on Monday and Tuesday nights and then next Wed I made plans to go out with a friend for a few drinks. So I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I do hope he still wants to come tonight though.

[gradle]

i hope so too...

but if not, just try and stay calm until next week, okay? just stay busy...looks like things might be ok for now..

[Hope75]

Hi Dying,

 

Well it looks like you and Gradle have formed an alliance....I'm so glad if you will be able to help each other out!

 

I have been where you are too. My live in bf and I broke up almost 8 months ago, in Nov of last year. I moved out. After we split we both decided that we wanted to work in it, but it had to go painfully slow, and we had to learn to get to know one another all over again. At one point he said he thought he was no longer "in love" with me, though he said he loved me. I felt your pain in those words. I also felt your pain reading about you waiting for his emails. I too used to spill my heart out in emails and then wait and agonize over whether he would respond. It's really tought to take it slow.

 

Here's my story if you've got a few. There's alot of pain an frustration and uncertainty in it, which I am sure you can relate to:

 

link removed

 

Gradle will tell you, as I will tell you, you really need to have patience with this. He has told you he wants to work on things with you and that is a big step. He is right that it is like a whole new relationship, getting to know one another again and learning how to relate and be a couple.

 

You guys have it even tougher because of the distance factor. I could not imagine.

 

Try to be calm and keep yourself busy with other things. I don't know why you guys broke up before, or who initiated it, but if you really want a fair shot at this, you need to relax a little and have faith that he does want to work it out. Let him come to you right now, since he's a little freaked about your tantrum.

 

Talk to us till you have sore typing fingers, esp. Gradle, she speaks of experience!

 

Hang in there, it's a tough road, so make sure it's what you both really want.

[DyingInsideOut]

Thank you Gradle. I hope it will be okay. I'm sure that if he decides not to come tonight, that I'll be online once I get home. . . . . . . .

 

You hang in there too. I hope you are having an "up" day.

[DyingInsideOut]

Thanks to you too Hope. I look forward to reading your post. Hopefully I'll be okay. I'm sure I'll be back to let you know how I'm doing. It's nice to know that there are people out there that I can talk to.

[DyingInsideOut]

Well I'm home now and I talked to him on the phone. He sent me an email when he was leaving work and said that he would call me once he got home. The conversation went okay. Nothing was said about "us". I didn't want to push the issue. But . . . . . . nothing was also said about him coming over. He said he was going to do laundry and a couple of other things around his house. But that was it. I didn't ask. I wanted to so bad, but I didn't. I even ended the call. He was doing something and I said, well, I'll let you go so you can do the things you need to and I guess I'll talk to you later. All he said was "okay" talk to you later. Bye.

 

I'm dying again. I know I need to be patient, but this is so hard. I hate myself right now because had I not been such an idiot last night, he would be here with me.

 

 

[DyingInsideOut]

Update: He just sent me a txt msg telling me that he has decided to stay home tonight and that we can meet for drinks one night next week. Well, I'm hurt, but now I'm also MAD. He knows that my time here is short. How the heck are we supposed to find what we lost if I don't see him???? I will only have 3 weeks left by the end of next week. The earliest I could see him is Thursday night and I won't be able to see him for long because I'm going out of town for the weekend of the 4th and I have to get everything packed on Thursday night.

 

Again, I'm dying. Again I don't know what to do. This can't all be on his terms only. There has to be some kind of compromise, and I don't see where he is doing that. . . . . . . .

[Hope75]

Dying,

 

that's the thing about trying to repair a broken relationship. It takes time, and effort, and patience, and you don't really have that amount of time.

 

I know this is hard for you, and I hope that in the time you have he realizes that he wants to make the effort with you, but I gotta tell you, three weeks isn't really enough time to make anything better.

 

My bf and I have been working for almost 8 months and still not back to where we used to be. Close, but not quite yet. It is a long, hard road, and it has to be something you both have the patience and dedication for.

 

It's going to be hard with the distance, I just don't know. Try to be patient with him, some or much of this possible reconciliation may be a long distance thing, which will be even harder than what I went though.

 

I'm rooting for you, try and be patient, OK?

[gradle]

i'm rooting for you too...don't worry, everything will end up ok... i hope you're having a good night and sleeping well!

[DyingInsideOut]

Good morning everyone. I managed to have a very productive evening. I'm almost done with my packing! WooHoo!

 

He sent me a txt msg last night before he went to bed saying that he was going to bed and he hoped I had a good night. What the heck ever. I didn't respond. I was already in bed about to fall asleep. I got to work this morning and had an email from him saying good morning and telling me that he just hung out at home doing bills and working around his house and that he guesses I fell asleep before he sent his message and to have a good morning. I responded, but not with much. Just told him I had a productive evening and that today at work should be good and then told him to have a nice day.

 

I woke up this morning feeling really good! Yet, there have been moments already where I get sad and then I try to pull myself out of it.

 

Hope-- thanks for your message. I agree with you and that is why I have been freaking out so badly. As for trying to repair a relationship long distance, I don't think it can be done. You have to be able to see that person in order for it to work out and we won't see each other. I'm starting to think that I just need to think about me, and worry about what I need to do and focus on myself and see what happens. That maybe I should just accept that we may not make it. . . . . . . . . but that hurts so badly that I hate to think of it.

 

Anyway, hope everyone has a good day.