Is missing a relationship deadline equatable to lying?

[RayKay]

I really don't think two years is unreasonable as DN said, I know people who have known each other far less time and knew they were ready to get married, but I also know people who waited far longer before they decided.

 

I do think personally generally you know when you know...and often this is earlier based on your own past experiences, maturity and where you are in life...but because THIS relationship has all been PRESSURE for the last year or so into one direction (marriage), I think that in doing so she actually sabotaged her "timeline". It is almost as if the "choice" was taken away from you.

 

I do have a question though...if you feel you need two years before you consider it at least, when you talked to her that first time, did you let her know that, or did the implications it would be earlier kind of overshadow that "belief" it takes a couple years? When you set the deadline, was it within those two years too? In other words, does SHE know of your timeline?

 

She will be upset, there is no way to tiptoe around it, but you MUST tell her how you are feeling. Be clear that it is not marriage that is scaring you off, but it is the pressure from her, her family and friends that feels to you as if you have no choice in creating your own future. That while she has a 'timeline' you need to go by what feels RIGHT, not by timelines. I never had an "official" timeline, but I guess in my head I always figured I would start having kids by the time I was 30...well, guess what, I have decided to go back to school and am having to push that back further. Sure it's not what I originally wanted, but life changes and I do have a wonderful partner whom is being supportive of that too. If you are wanting to wait until it is YOUR choice then she should be supportive of that too.

 

Honestly, if she cannot understand why you would want to wait a little longer (and I am not talking 10 years, I would say if you don't know in a few more months without all the pressure then it is probably time to let things go, I don't think it should take years to know, I know it depends on the person, but if it takes that long, it is pretty sure sign then they are NOT the right one for you I think...) then she might not be with you for the right reasons, and maybe it is best to know this now rather than later and make the right choices accordingly.

 

Let me just state as it jumped out at me...it was VERY unclassy of her and her family to pressure you on that cruise about that ring...and even MORE unclassy to tell you she would NEVER like another as much as that one when you said you wanted to DESIGN one! When you wrote that, I wondered if she has become a Bridezilla - more concerned about the big white wedding, than planning and preparing for the marriage itself and creating a healthy relationship together. The ring should be a minor detail, and furthermore, should be something heartfelt by the one proposing (in this case you)...it is a symbol, not a bargaining tool!

[someguy69]

I do have a question though...if you feel you need two years before you consider it at least, when you talked to her that first time, did you let her know that, or did the implications it would be earlier kind of overshadow that "belief" it takes a couple years? When you set the deadline, was it within those two years too? In other words, does SHE know of your timeline?

 

When we first started discussing it, it seemed off in the future (getting married in a couple years), which sounds and fine and dandy until the woman reminds you of how long weddings take to plan, and that reception halls must be booked a minimum of a year in advance, so it ends up being instead of starting to plan in a couple years... plans have to start in a few months.

 

Let me just state as it jumped out at me...it was VERY unclassy of her and her family to pressure you on that cruise about that ring...and even MORE unclassy to tell you she would NEVER like another as much as that one when you said you wanted to DESIGN one! When you wrote that, I wondered if she has become a Bridezilla - more concerned about the big white wedding, than planning and preparing for the marriage itself and creating a healthy relationship together. The ring should be a minor detail, and furthermore, should be something heartfelt by the one proposing (in this case you)...it is a symbol, not a bargaining tool!

 

It was those two events that really caused me to take a step back. She denies responsibility for the cruise jewelry store incident. According to her, she saw this "amazing" ring, and her family noticed her interest, and came over to look. As far as I'm concerned, this is something that we should have discussed privately without getting anyone else involved.

 

As for the later ring discussion, she claims that the ring on the cruise was the most unique perfect ring, that she'd seen thousands and thousands of rings, and nothing could compare to this one.

 

With regards to wedding planning, it seems she already had most of it planned since she was a kid, and of course it is to be a Christian wedding, and her brother (an anglican priest) will be performing the ceremony, etc.

[DN]

Hmm, more problems. If you do get engaged, make sure she understands that the wedding is for both of you - and is not as important as the marriage. Sounds like you might become an optional extra on the wedding day.

[Hope75]

So what are you planning on doing now??

[someguy69]

So what are you planning on doing now??

 

Planning on trying to get her to back off for a bit, but according to her, nagging me once or twice a week was her version of trying not to nag me. Apparently if she hadn't been restraining herself, she would have been bugging me on a daily basis

[DN]

I think it is probably time to have discussion about what you both want and some sort of timeline that that may be accomplished. I think she is wrong to pressure you like this, but it is also not fair to keep her in limbo for a long time.

[RayKay]

I do feel for you someguy, I know some guys in relationships with women whom do similar, and I know some women whom do similar to their men!

 

I just don't think the women realize that what they are doing shall produce the OPPOSITE results.

 

Honestly I think when you are so focused on getting a wedding and planning, without even an ENGAGEMENT yet, you forget to nourish the relationship - it becomes all about the wedding. So is it any surprise when the guy starts to feel like he is easily replaced by anyone else willing to wear a tux and starts to feel pressured into something he is not so sure he wants, as he is no longer sure this person is the one for him?

 

I read an article recently about a guy who was in love with his gf, proposed and she turned into Bridezilla. He started to get cold feet and wonder if she was right for him and so on...debated calling it off, was tempted to stray and so on. Then he went golfing with one of his friends who was also engaged who asked him "how often does she get on your nerves". The guy said oh, when she is not Bridezilla only about 10% of the time. His friend said mine drives me nuts 90% of the time. Put things into perspective, he married her and she was whom she always was once the Bridezilla part was gone..lol.

 

Just goes to show some women really do turn into someone else entirely when they start thinking of getting married. All the more reason I am going to run away and elope...lol.

 

So I think you really need to have a firm talk with her. Tell her exactly how you feel right now, it won't come easy and won't SOUND good to her, but I think it is essential she knows how her pressure of *only* twice a week even is felt by you, and how you feel like you are being pressured to plan what is not even official yet, which makes you feel well, like a herded bull I am sure! If she is in this for YOU, she will understand. If she is in it for the WEDDING, she might put on a show and stomp out...but then maybe it will give you some more to think about.