Friends (with ulterior motives!)

[socalguy123]

Hey all,

This is sorta related to this post ( link removed ). But hey, so here's the question, What does everyone think of the following situation?

 

You're single. You have met a very attractive person, attractive to you in many different ways (fun, outgoing, charming, and physically good-looking). Unfortunately, he/she has a significant other, who you meet at the same time. You all become friendly acquaintances, but over time, you find out that the significant other has to leave town/go back to school/be long distance for quite some time. When the significant other is gone, you end up hanging out with the hottie as a friend. At this point, do you a) make a move on him/her; b) wait til they break up; c) continue being friends, until (as you hope) something develops between you; or d) continue being friends, as that's what friends are for--not look for anything between the two of you.

 

My point is--if you find someone attractive, but taken, and you've met the significant other--would you want to continue being friends, hoping you could snag that person?

 

Well, would ya?

[Mr. Cactus]

I guess my choice wouldn't be any of the above, since I would not starting hanging out with that other person in the first place. I think in cases like this, I would stay away as much as was possible until the other person's partner returned.

[jackknive]

I say be a friend. If she breaks up and then you ask her out to soon, she might feel you were using her, especially when she was emotional and turning to you as a friend. And I wouldnt do anything at all when she is with someone.

 

Just be her friend. If its meant to be more, then it will, but a friend is worth more then a date.

[goddess23]

okay to all of you who can just basically tell the poster "you're an idiot!", you're not thinking at all about what its like to like someone!

 

but yes, its natural for you to flirt when the sig other is not there, and if she reciprocates then its natural for that to happen. however, make sure you dont cross any lines and be a flirty friend. this way its clear you are interested, yet isnt....lol. and it keeps within boundaries, and if later she feels that she can break up with that guy fine, and if she shows you that shes not comfortable with the flriting or just making it clear theres no chance then lay off. you can still be her friend, otherwise leave it alone. so play if off.

[HajiMaji]

Dude, i know how this goes. Heres how i feel about it.

 

No moves. Purely friendly, but you can still be flirty!! Just never any kissing or cheating. If she breaks up with him and you are her friend, youll know when shes ready for a new relationship. Make sure you give her time to heal though, cause otherwise you two are screwed.

 

Give it time and be her true friend. I mean, theres nothing evil about it. You just know you would love to be in a relationship with her - but in the mean time be a dear friend. Its all good.

[socalguy123]

Ok ok--listen up folks--you took it ALL wrong, ALL wrong (well not all of you, but in a way yes).

I was hoping, with my post, that this would stem the age old "When Harry Met Sally" debate, which is:

"Men and Women can never be friends, because of the sex thing."

 

To which I'll add, if men and women want to be friends, it's not easy if both find each other attractive. It's easier/more possible to be friends if one or both have significant others.

 

Now to all of you who think I was asking for advice: I already know myself, what I would and would not do. I am not asking for advice myself. More importantly, I'm trying to find out what people here on this board think of that situation. I mean, come on folks! I may WANT to be sleazy and smutty, but I'm actually not! And by the way, if you, as a person chose to be a "friend with ulterior motives", I ain't hatin'. Sometimes, those things work out, you know?

[Burning_Down]

I was hoping, with my post, that this would stem the age old "When Harry Met Sally" debate, which is:

"Men and Women can never be friends, because of the sex thing."

 

I was thinking about this on the train this morning. I came to the conclusion that my female friends fall broadly into three categories:

 

1) Friends' girlfriends - they can be attarctive because they are completely off limits. They are still off limits (imo) if those friends split up. I automatically do not find them attractive (so far).

 

2) Friends that I don't find attractive. I have a group of non-girly female friends who are just mates but don't make my heart beat faster. They're just fun.

 

3) Friends who I fancy. Currently only one girl in this category and no, it's not working. I find it too hard to hear about guys she likes and I think about her 24/7.

 

Theoretically I guess it's possible for girls in group 1) and 2) to become girlfriends but it's never come close to happening with me.

[overtheedge]

I know a guy who started off being my friend and then developed a friendship with my girlfriend. I was with my girlfriend for 4 1/2 years and really wanted her back after she broke up with me. This all started about 2 months ago.

 

Well my "friend" had just been dumped by his girlfriend of 7 years and we had been helping each other through this time. We discussed method of getting our girls back and basically discussed everything together.

 

Then I found out that he had stayed in contact with my ex and had been "hanging out" with her behind my back. No make matters worse, I found out that two nights before she had broken up with me, she had "acted inappropriately" towards him at a party.

 

If you are friends with both of them, you have to respect both of them. He was my friend first and never hung out with her unless I was there so I don't think they were even true friends. Having respect for other people is important in these situations because you do not want to hurt a friend.

[socalguy123]

Well.. maybe I'm a closet a-hole for my deep-seated feelings. But then again, I was raised catholic, so if I even THOUGHT about committing a sin--I already was guilty of the sin--without even committing it.

 

you are really reading too much into my "last line". Feeling something, and planning it--are two different things. No, I don't plan to. At the point of that post, I was *ironically* pointing out how my own ex-GF hooked up with her so-called good guy friend, within 2 weeks of us ending our 10 month relationship. So, no, sorry, uh-uh, no show here... I am basically, in my last line, acknowledging that this scenario gets played out all-too-often. My attachment to "old-fashioned" values, may be a little out-dated, since all's fair in love and war. But I won't change me--so I have to accept this scene.

 

 

 

I would do what I said. No way I would feel good being a rebound guy, nor could I stomach being the chump who stole a girl away from someone else. I couldn't sit still in my own skin, knowing the girl I'm with is basically unable to be alone, and most likely insecure...