its not me with the problem is it?

[Jerseygirl]

as i sit and curse the male race i began to think that maybe its me that causes these problems. I am considered such a sweet, nice girl...and i know that i am a very passive person. All the relationships i've been in ive begun to realize that i get taken advantage of in that they dont appreciate me to the fullest. Recently, this guy ive been involved with for a while really does like me. However he doesnt appreciate me, and takes me for granted in my opinion as all of his friends are shocked that im even interested in him. I am very good at reading ppl, and i know that this guy is genuinely a warm hearted person, and has a great value of being honest. The problem is that i think he's confused. He likes me and i know that, but he wants to be a single frat guy after a bad rltnship with an ex (me and him started the night he broke up with her...so im sure he isnt fully dettached)...

His desire to not be a relationship and his desire for me play a tug a war. And whenever i think the side of him not wanting anything wins, i try and pull away because i get hurt (ultimately i do want somethig more than a hook up, not neccessarily a serious serious relationship)....When this happens he comes to me, apologizing whether it be for passing out when he asked to hang out earlier or finding a girl in his bed the next morning, which both happened once. He gets scared to lose me because he likes me. Me being a very soft person will give in after a while, believing he will change. He would keep apologizing, telling me he wants to see me over the summer, telling me he wants to take me out to dinner, and the thing is , and im not being naive, he is HONEST. thats the one quality about him that is soo stable, so he does mean what he says.......The problem is, he never pulls through. Recently ive realized that its abnormal for the amount of apologizies he gives and the amount of times i accept and give in because yes he is genuine and honest but the point is, actions are louder than words...altho he tells me he wants to take me to dinner he never has...

i dont know where im going with this but the last update was me leaving college....he apologized in a text for passing out the night be4 and asked if he could call me later before i leave... i told him "if you want to"..never heard from him and i left....we havent spoken, its been two days. I think he knows im upset with him...so i guess this means im doing NC? i want him to contact me though...oh god i dont know, i just need some advice

 

[Mun]

Honey,

You are dating a guy that you claim is honest, but you found a girl in his bed twice? How does that translate into honesty? Also, he has said he wants to take you to a nice dinner, but he never follows through...sounds to me like he is not that crazy about you. I'm sorry, I know you like this guy, but you should ask yourself WHY.

 

Girl you should know that you can have better than this. A guy that likes you will make time to see you and take you out. He won't lie to you and he won't cheat on you. This guy is not him.

 

Don't be with a man that shows you how little you mean to him over and over again. Love yourself honey. I'm sorry but you are wasting your time with this guy.

 

There are good guys out there, don't let one bad one spoil it for ya.

[Reilly2856]

I know you call him honest and all, but an honest guy doesn't jump into bed with another girl if has feelings for you. Clearly, it seems like this guy can make promises but never follows through. Having said that, one of the most important characteristics in a person is their 'word.' If someone says they will change, then they should follow through. I think he is just stringing you along, because he knows no matter how many times he screws up, you will take him back. As evidence, consider the past. How many times has he passed out from drinking, yet promised previously never to do it again? He's simply taking advantage of you. Let him go, and move on to someone who deserves you.

 

Also, you mentioned : "All the relationships i've been in ive begun to realize that i get taken advantage of in that they dont appreciate me to the fullest. " I think one of the ways to get someone to apprieciate you is to show how much apprieciate yourself. The amount of pride, confidence and self-respect you have for yourself will ultimately set the limits for someone else. The only reason your partners have been taking advantage of you is because you allow them to. If you gain the confidence to not tolerate anything other than you deserve in a relationship, your partners will realize that and begin to respect you.

[PlayBrat]

JerseyGirl...

I understand your need to believe this guy is "honest",,,but saying one thing and doing another is NOT honest..and he lacks integrity. You deserve

So much more than the crumbs this guy is feeding you, don't you??

I know that hurts to hear, but I am am being objective, where you cannot.

Think of a good friend telling you this same story...what advice would you give her? You would thik she is taking way too much crap, wouldn;t you?

You have done NC for 2 days...consider this a headstart...and do NC for a couple of weeks ...

I am doing NC too..and believe me..it sucks!!! I wish I could tell you

he will come around but the fact is he may not...nor my guy..but thats the risk we have to take to save ourselves from more pain.

Good luck to you

[MiquelAngelo]

Yes it is you with the problem, and your problem is HIM ...He hasn't been alone long enough. The break up left him with a flat and You are like a spare tire. I mean you started dating the same night he broke up with his ex? Of course he's not dettached , he still smelled like her perfume when you came in the picture.

[RayKay]

I think there comes a time that if we find ourselves in the same pattern repeatedly with either one, or different partners, then we need to stop looking at them and indeed looking at what WE are doing to attract these people/behaviour. So in that sense yes sweetie, it IS you that in a sense is a problem, in that you are accepting his behaviours and making excuses for him.

 

So what if he is a "frat boy" - that does not excuse him cheating on you, or treating you like dirt. Guess what, I have dated a "frat boy" too, and he was honest and sweet and kind to me. He did not need to apologise repeatedly and promise nice dinners - as he treated me well from start, and followed through.

 

He is not "confused" - don't make excuses for him. He knows very well what he wants and does not want....what you see as confusion is him just wanting parts of you and not all of you, and wanting to play the field. Nothing WRONG with that in itself, it is his choice, but you cannot keep thinking that he "really really likes you" and will change for you. If a guy "really really likes you" he won't sleep with OTHER WOMEN! Guys who REALLY REALLY like you also DO appreciate you, DON'T take you for granted and don't have this tug of war.

 

You are letting him because you are so desperate to settle for any bit of him, instead of realizing you need to respect YOURSELF first. Don't settle for scraps of someone else...if someone likes you they will want to give you all of them, and have all of you...not bits here and there.

 

What you do is stop wasting your time like this...you are young, there ARE more men out there, and there ARE men out there who won't treat you like this, and who will not be trying to sort out their "confusion" by sleeping with others....stop making excuses for him, he does need them. And stop making excuses for yourself and stand up, stop being a doormat, cut off contact with him, stop sleeping with him, stop listening to his promises, and move on.