Did he just want sex?

[Sindy_0311]

On 12/22/2023 at 9:18 PM, Sindy_0311 said:

Did he mention a serious relationship or just a relationship.

Can you clarify this point also? 

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, Clarissamango said:

You’re right! I shouldn’t have gone back to his place. My actions need to be clearer. I did mention I was looking for a serious relationship.

Right, your actions need to reflect what your intentions / desires are.

Going home with a guy or having sex the first time you meet are not necessarily "wrong" per se, but they are not the way to communicate "I am interested in ONLY working towards a serious relationship."  It's more like "I'm down for whatever may happen in the meanwhile."

Also please please really internalize that "mentioning" that you're looking for a serious relationship is not going to make much of an impression on most men once they get the idea that you might be down for a hookup in the moment. Even good guys.  Sex is fun, lots of times women and men alike go for an opportunity to have fun sex even if they are "looking for a serious relationship."  

Yes, your actions need to match your intentions.  

[lostandhurt]

6 hours ago, Clarissamango said:

You’re right! I shouldn’t have gone back to his place. My actions need to be clearer. I did mention I was looking for a serious relationship.

thanks for the advice ! 

Just because you go to a dates place does not automatically mean you are willing to have sex with him. Whether or not it was a safe thing to do since you barely knew him is another matter but somehow implying you were leading him on or giving off mixed signals isn't right.  Seeing how he lives is a great way to figure out if you want to continue seeing him.

  You were clear with what you wanted so do not apologize for being open to that.  He was wrong here not you.  There are good ones out there, just keep looking and pay attention when they show you who they are or what they want believe it.

 Lost

[rainbowsandroses]

On 12/22/2023 at 6:11 AM, Clarissamango said:

i asked advice on another forum and everyone said I was in the wrong that men can want sex and a relationship. 

Bolded - this is true in my experience. 

How to tell the difference between a man only wanting sex and a man seeking a relationship but who is attracted to you and naturally wants to have sex with you? 

By this:

On 12/22/2023 at 6:11 AM, Clarissamango said:

I was walking behind him and wearing a long coat. He lifted my coat, squeezed my bum and said such a nice ass.

Please learn this for next time.  Men who respect you and who seek a relationship do NOT say and do such things upon meeting you for the first time. 

Huge ICK.  If me, that would have been an immediate turn off and dealbreaker.

I'm wondering why it wasn't for you and what story you told yourself that made his crass behavior okay?

[Clarissamango]

Thank you! Yes it turned me off immediately and as soon as I left I knew I wouldn’t be seeing him again. Posting this on Reddit is what changed my mind, especially when people said I was in the wrong. You know when so many people are against you , you start doubting yourself? I should listen to my gut more 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Clarissamango said:

Thank you! Yes it turned me off immediately and as soon as I left I knew I wouldn’t be seeing him again. Posting this on Reddit is what changed my mind, especially when people said I was in the wrong. You know when so many people are against you , you start doubting yourself? I should listen to my gut more 

It's not gut.  It's common sense.  Once you have your goals and values clear it's common sense.  Many years ago -20 actually - the man I was newly dating wanted to be sexually monogamous but not exclusive. It was too soon for me to have sex (only 6 weeks of dating).  He said "we'll be monogamous but I want to meet other women for "coffee" if I feel like it' - I was tempted.  I was SO into him but I'd never had sex under those circumstances. I spoke to some friends and realized I needed to take their advice with a grain of salt.  Some were good with and enjoyed casual sex (which wasn't for me), some didn't want me to lose out on a catch like him (I was 36), and I remember asking my close male friend who first said "look it sounds like you're really into him and it could be fun!" Then he paused and said "and I asked my wife what she thought and she said - nope, never deal breaker -in her opinion."

It wasn't about gut.  I stuck to my values -told him - no - and then he agreed to be exclusive.  Which ended up also being a mistake and I regret having sex with him - but - I pondered it and realized -like my friend's wife - stick to your values (as she did in her life).  Get your values clear, and accept that doing what's consistent with your values often is really really hard.