help re. pregnancy

[TheSmilingTurnip]

you are right I need to be honest with myself and try and face the fear but is it you or anyone else who is there with me when i wake up in the middle of the night terrified? It is me who has to deal with it and i don't know that I can do it. JZ

 

I know that you don't want to be fearful for the rest of your life. The only way to avoid that is to face your fears.

 

You don't know that you CAN do it; but you also do not know that you can't. Isn't it true that you're already doing it? That you're already dealing with waking up in the middle of the night?

 

Don't beat yourself up about having gotten pregnant. It doesn't matter now. It is how you choose to deal with it that is important.

 

It is you that has to deal with it; you're right. I'm sorry you're having to go through the pain and turmoil of this; but that is part of life. I just hope you don't make a mistake that'll haunt you forever.

 

Good luck and blessings,

Sheila

[Mr Meh]

How would you be feeling right now if, after you posted your decision, everyone had said:

"Good for you! Good choice, your life will be much better now with that out of the way!" ?

Would you feel like you had made the right choice still?

Did you come back to the forum for support or to be talked out of it? The more you talk, the more the word 'fear' keeps creeping in. What exactly are you so afraid of? You have to figure that out. Certainly there are many aspects of this to be afraid of:

The future and your goals

Pain and discomfort

Will you be a good parent?

Is it too soon?

Did this happen with the right guy?

At first you seemed kind of angry that no one supported your decision. I believe everyone is(I know I am) just trying to get you to REALLY be sure. This isn't like the usual relationship problems, where you will get over it and move on, so people are a little more forceful and dramatic in their responses.

[RayKay]

Do you fear more the idea of being a parent, or what it might do to your relationship? Do you fear being trapped to him, or do you fear it splitting you two up? I think you need to source where your fears are really from.

 

People here are being "adamant" because this is one of those choices you cannot erase, you cannot take back. If you break up with someone, you can at the very least try to gain them back if you made a terrible mistake in retrospect...in this case, you can try to get pregnant again but in your case there are no guarantees, and nor is it the same.

 

I am pro choice too, but at this stage in my life, despite planning on going back to university to do law, and having plans to wait a while and enjoy couplehood with my partner, and wanting a house and all that, and freedom to do whatever I want, I know that I could not, if I were to end up pregnant, feel right about ending it. Of course I would be scared as all heck, and fear the change, but I also know I am strong enough to make the best of what life throws at you. And I know I would still follow all those dreams...it would be harder, but I would do it. People are adaptable that way, they really are.

 

Ultimately the decision is yours, just don't go against your own beliefs if they are going to cause you pain, listen to your heart, have faith in your self and your abilities, have faith that you can catch life's curveballs with a great attitude and turn what seems like a negative, into positive.

 

I don't want you to spend every year wondering "what if" you had not had it done, everytime a significant day or what would be a special point in life rolls around...maybe you won't, but maybe you will.....

[jasminebose]

Hi again,

Well i appreciate your comments and you gave me some stuff to think about but I still don't want a baby now. I know I don't have to justify my life or my choices to anyone (esp. people i don't even know) but I think hearing everyone saying 'go for it' although hard to take had forced me to re-consider my reasons. In the end it doesn't matter if you all think I am making a choice out of fear and will regret it because I know in my heart that this is not the right time for me and it is not what I want (even if that means I might never get another shot at this). I am prepared to live with regret if that is the price to pay for doing what I feel I have to do.

RayKay- : "I am pro choice too, but at this stage in my life, despite planning on going back to university to do law, and having plans to wait a while and enjoy couplehood with my partner, and wanting a house and all that, and freedom to do whatever I want, I know that I could not, if I were to end up pregnant, feel right about ending it. Of course I would be scared as all heck, and fear the change, but I also know I am strong enough to make the best of what life throws at you. And I know I would still follow all those dreams...it would be harder, but I would do it. People are adaptable that way, they really are." I could have written that paragraph a month ago, its exactly how I thought too. But in life we think lots of things before we are actually in the situation but it isn't always an accurate reflection of how you will feel when actually there. It is very simple to look at things from the outside and say what you would do in a hypothetical sense.

Thanks for making me think more and helping me to get to my answer,

JZ

[RayKay]

I could have written that paragraph a month ago, its exactly how I thought too. But in life we think lots of things before we are actually in the situation but it isn't always an accurate reflection of how you will feel when actually there. It is very simple to look at things from the outside and say what you would do in a hypothetical sense.

Thanks for making me think more and helping me to get to my answer,

JZ

 

Hey Jasmine, I am PM'ing you...I think I know more about the "real life" situation then you think, but I don't care to share it in this forum if that is okay, so am sending you a personal message.

 

What I wrote was not a case of me looking from the outside in alone and speaking hypothetically, so it is not "very simple" as you stated.

 

Just as it would not be fair for me to tell you what you SHOULD do, it is not fair of you to assume that I don't know what it is like.

[lillady898]

If you didn't want anyones opinion, why would you ask for them? Don't tell people not to give you advice if that's what you were asking for to begin with...

[jasminebose]

I did want opinions but I never said I would take the advice. Hope that clears it up for you.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Gosh, I'm really sorry to hear you're going to go through with this. I hope you will stay at peace with this decision which has been made solely from a standpoint of fear and is thereforeeee not the right one. You may 'feel' right now that it is, but you'll figure out later that it wasn't.

 

I noticed a common thread through everything you've said. Everything is about you; your fears, your dreams, your pain, your everything. A couple brief snippets about how the baby's dad feels about his child's life being ended, but then quickly back to you. Someday when it's too late, you'll realize that it's not just about you. That's about the same time you will stop being so fearful. And I know what I'm talking about; because I used to be like that too.

 

I wish I could keep my trap shut and I know I'm gonna get flamed for saying it, but I have a feeling that everyone's been trying to say the same thing without being blunt.

 

Wishing you peace and future happiness,

Sheila

[wierdo]

well a baby is a good thing if you really want it.

i'm not going to try to talk you in or out of it. that is your decision.

 

what you need to do is weigh up the pro's and con's.

 

ok.. baby is cute.. creating a family, having a child.. all that is wonderful

 

you are having feelings that every expectant mum has. every. even those who try for years and get pregnant suddenly go.. holy crap.. a baby. and those people won't tell you those thoughts.

 

the thing is there are so many hormones, so many changes to consider, the dynamic of your life changing, finances changing.. etc etc

 

you can't be expected to make a rational decision without lots of help and support.

 

the pain is a bad thing. Damn it hurts. like hell. but at the end you are holding your child. YOUR baby. look what you made. it still makes me cry and my bub is 3.

 

i'll level. it took me a good 12 weeks (the first) to decide if i truly wanted a baby. my baby was unplanned. your man is happy, mine left. that's something that you need to remember. you are NOT ALONE. there is plenty of people who care about you and bubby.

 

the hard part is coming to terms with the loss of your life as you know it. things do change. i still struggle sometimes with this concept of being a parent. it's hard. it's rewarding. one day your new baby says "mummy i love you" one day your naughty three year old says (to your embarrassment)" just carry my effing bike"

 

it's a fun ride, no doubt about it. BUT, and it's a rather substantial but.. you have to want it. If the thought of being a mum makes you want to suicide (and pick a lucid moment, relatively free of hormones) then it might not be such a great thing.

 

i remember a time when i was six months pregnant going "oh my god. i cant do this. this is too hard. I'm a blubby whale, no one cares, and i'm going to have a baby" and bursting into tears. (that's the hormones.. phew, are they annoying) but it turned out okay.

 

what's the worst that could happen? you know, the world COULD explode, and you'll die, bt it's not that likely.

 

gather your family. tell them you scared and struggling. but let themknow you need them there, not there judgment and criticism. it's a hard enough decision on it's own.

 

take care of yourself, and if you wish, your bubby.

 

reach out, because all mums feel this, even if they don't say it.

 

love to you and yours tonight.

[lillady898]

If anyone wants to know, I think that anyone who is pregnant and does not want their child should unselfishly endure the pain and put it up for adoption afterwards. I know 2 families who are trying to adopt right now, and there are MANY who are still on waiting lists.

 

To anyone who says, "Anyone who thinks a baby should be up for adoption should be ready to adopt one themeselves": I will be adopting one... or a few... within the next 5 or 6 years.

[DI93]

I am goint to tell u that i was in the same postion that u are in. I wanted to finish college, get a great job with good insurance. When I found out that i was pregnant, i was terrified beyond belief. I thought of very excuse in the book of why i could not have a baby. As soon as i found out, i looked for an abortion doctor. I never gave it a chance or thought about it living. When i went to get it adorted, i was cry histerically. Sitting there i was thinking about its life, about our life. We were going to be poor. I was going to work in a department store( that is were i worked at the time) my entire life. I was going to have two job so that it could go to a catholic school. I felt so alone, i knew that my parents would help. At thta time all i wanted was someone to tell me that everything was going to be Ok. In that moment i need faith, and i had none. i went through with it. It is the only thing that i have regretted in my life. There is not a day that goes by that i don't think about it. It would have been three this year. Fear or no fear, when u think of the child, your arms will be empty. I never heard of anyone who have said that i am glad that i aborted my baby.

[jasminebose]

I appreciate that this is your experience but I personally know 3 women (4 if you include me) who had terminations and do not regret them. Who honestly feel it was the best thing to do given their circumstances and do not feel guilty or like they made a mistake.

I make no apologies for wanting something different in my life than to be a mum at this age and time in my life. I wish I hadn't got pregnant or that my circumstances were different but the fact is things are as they are and I had to deal with it. I didn't go through with termination to escape or to be selfish but because we honestly feel it was the best decision and I can live with that. Sure I will feel sad sometimes and maybe sometimes wonder how things might have been different but regret is a redundant emotion and leads you nowhere, except to feel depressed about the past which you can't change. If anything this experience has taught me to be more careful and responsible, to consciously make decisions and follow through with them and to appreciate the fact that I have choices when so many people don't have any.

JZ

[jemr]

I completely agree with you Jasminebose. It is your decision and if you do not feel like it is time then it definitely is not. I did get an abortion the first time I got pregnant. I still think of it often and am not proud of what I did, however I certainly do not regret it.

 

I am a firm believer that you should follow your gut instincts and if they are telling you that you are not ready then follow them.

 

You never know, maybe if you were to keep the child and you would not be able to finish your school you could resent it. What would be worse having a child and not wanting it or not having it in the first place?

 

I congratulate you in making a decision that contrary to every one else's opinion, is not an easy one. It is hard to have an abortion however when the time is right you'll know.

 

If ii take myself for example, 1 year after my abortion I found out again that I was pregnant and now have a beautiful baby girl. So you never know when you'll be ready if ever you will be ready. Not every one is made to have children.

[jasminebose]

Jemr- thanks for your post and for your support, it really means a lot. Especially when I know most of the posters feel my choice was a mistake.

 

I too think your gut instincts are there for a reason and not to be ignored, even if they go against what other people/ society expects of you. I have made too many decisions based on what I thought other people wanted me to do and I personally was not happy. This time I was not prepared to do that as it wouldn't only affect me if I resented having to go against my instincts, but would affect my unborn child and husband.

 

I want to have kids but when I want a child and not when the situation is imposed on me. I just hope I get that chance in the future. I think you are right that it is better not to have a child at all than to have it and resent it later. That is exactly how my mum felt when she had my sister at 21 and wasn't able to do the things she wanted to. I wanted something different for my own life and if other people think that is selfish then thats ok. I have to live with my choices and I feel proud that for once I stood up for myself and was honest and made the choice which was right for me, not for everyone else.

JZ

[lillady898]

 

If ii take myself for example, 1 year after my abortion I found out again that I was pregnant and now have a beautiful baby girl.

 

And can you imagine how beautiful the baby you aborted would have been?

[jasminebose]

Re. lillady898- how is that comment helpful??! Jemr did not want a baby when she had her abortion, however beautiful it might have been. Don't you think there are enough unwanted babies in the world without creating more? Anyway what is done is done and no-one can go back in time and undo it, it is a hard enough decision to terminate without people trying to make you feel guilty. Both jemr and I said we don't regret our decisions, so why should you?

JZ

[jemr]

Thanks Jasminebose,

 

lillady898 you are right that baby would probably have been gorgeous. However what kind of life would it of had if from the very beginning I did not want it. I honestly do not think that my relationship with my b/f would have lasted and then I would have ended up being a single mom with an unwanted child.

 

I know too many people who have made the decision of keeping it even if there relationships were on the rock. Now those people regret there life and in a way resent there child. They had many other plans for there life's however those plans are never going to happen.

 

After making my decision I knew right away that it was the proper one to make. I believe that every one is entitled to their opinion and also believe that you should always support the decisions that other people make, even if it goes against your beliefs.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

 

If ii take myself for example, 1 year after my abortion I found out again that I was pregnant and now have a beautiful baby girl.

 

And can you imagine how beautiful the baby you aborted would have been?

 

I cannot figure out for the life of me how people can speak of what's inside them as a CHILD, talk about letting him/her live, then talk about how it's ok to have done it anyway. Does anyone else see why this is ironic?

 

No one has to be a parent and abortion is not the only way to deal with an unwanted pregnancy. There's also adoption.

 

I don't judge women who have had abortions. Really. You did what you thought was right; it is very, very difficult to deal with such a huge decision . it's between you and whomever you believe in, spirit or person or whatever. What's done is done.

 

I guess I don't understand how our society can recognize that what is done away with in an abortion is a child, who intrinsically has some kind of shadowy right to live by virtue of them being a living human being, and then in the next breath say that abortion is ok. I think it's the fact that our society these days is teaching that individuality is the path to happiness. I don't get that, but you cannot judge people who who also don't get that but choose to go the other direction. Know what I mean? Good luck to you Jasmine.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Re. lillady898- how is that comment helpful??! Jemr did not want a baby when she had her abortion, however beautiful it might have been. Don't you think there are enough unwanted babies in the world without creating more? Anyway what is done is done and no-one can go back in time and undo it, it is a hard enough decision to terminate without people trying to make you feel guilty. Both jemr and I said we don't regret our decisions, so why should you?

JZ

 

But those babies are not unwanted. They're just unwanted by the people who conceived them. Other people would love to have them. See? Just explaining what she's saying.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Thanks Jasminebose,

 

lillady898 you are right that baby would probably have been gorgeous. However what kind of life would it of had if from the very beginning I did not want it. I honestly do not think that my relationship with my b/f would have lasted and then I would have ended up being a single mom with an unwanted child.

 

A D O P T I O N would keep one from becoming a single mom.

[jemr]

No one has to be a parent and abortion is not the only way to deal with an unwanted pregnancy. There's also adoption.

 

Se now to me adoption would never be an option. I would never be able to live with myself knowing that some one else taking care of my child. What if that child had a horrible life and that the people who adopted them were horrible people, how would you be able to live with that? What about all the women that go for the adoption and latter in there life regret it and want to have a life with there child. How is the child supposed to understand what happened? I prefer terminating something instead of having the slightest chance that that child would have a bad life.

 

I agree that it is the life of an unborn child that we are talking about and it is a very very touchy subject.

 

And please I don't judge women who have had abortions” If that were true you would not say the thing you say but give words of courage and a helping hand.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I would never be able to live with myself knowing that some one else taking care of my child. What if that child had a horrible life and that the people who adopted them were horrible people, how would you be able to live with that? What about all the women that go for the adoption and latter in there life regret it and want to have a life with there child. How is the child supposed to understand what happened?

 

And please I don't judge women who have had abortions” If that were true you would not say the thing you say but give words of courage and a helping hand.

 

Death is never better than life. Especially the kind where your limbs are ripped off. Please, I had a bad childhood with my own parents, but that doesn't mean I'd rather be dead. Abortion is not done for the sake of the child but for the sake of our own comfort.

 

What I mean by saying I don't judge is that I do not think that woman who've had abortions are horrible people. I don't think they're evil, or going to hell, or anything of that nature. Yes I disagree and I guess if you define that as judging people, then I can see how you would think that.

 

You feel you made the right decision. That doesn't make you a monster or a bad person. I'm sure you're a great mom to your little girl and to the child you're expecting. That's what is important.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I agree that it is the life of an unborn child that we are talking about and it is a very very touchy subject.

 

That is what I don't get. Why is it ok to take someone's life? I'm just trying to understand.

 

You said that I didn't offer a helping hand. But I did. She asked for advice and I gave it. It was up to her to take it or leave it. I tried to give her some food for thought. I said what I thought was helpful, as I know this is going to impact her life, and I wouldn't want everyone to just tell me what I wanted to hear. Jasmine made her decision. She feels it was the right one for her. Whether I think it's wrong or right, it's done. But she had all the different points of view presented to her and that's what she asked for. I took the time to give her that. I wished her luck whatever she chose. She made her decision and though it's not what I advised, she certainly is not bad or evil or anything...she's just herself and this is what she chose, given her values, in a difficult, difficult situation.

[Paranoid]

Sometimes it's just not possible for a person to go through a pregnancy. There are other things involved. I'm not saying this was true in her case...but maybe there were other reasons why she couldn't have the child. I know where I am right now in my life, I would not be able to go though a pregnancy even if I do believe abortion is wrong. There's different circumstances for each pregnancy. She knows more about her life than you do. Abortion isn't wrong in all situations, sometimes it's the only answer.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Sometimes it's just not possible for a person to go through a pregnancy. There are other things involved. I'm not saying this was true in her case...but maybe there were other reasons why she couldn't have the child. I know where I am right now in my life, I would not be able to go though a pregnancy even if I do believe abortion is wrong. There's different circumstances for each pregnancy. She knows more about her life than you do. Abortion isn't wrong in all situations, sometimes it's the only answer.

 

I'm not condemning her. Disagreement does not equal condemnation. I will say though that although abortion may seem at the beginning to the be the only answer, it often turns out that it was not.