help re. pregnancy

[jasminebose]

Just found out yesterday that I am pregnant. Background: Been married nearly 3 years, am nearly 25, both have good jobs, living in rented flat though. I have pcos and although we had mainly been using condoms we didn't always (as we thought chances of conceiving would not be too high and we always said if it happened it would be ok). thereforeeee it is not a 'planned' pregnancy and I am going through a whirlwind of emotions about it.

My husband and family knows and are all really happy which makes me feel even worse for feeling scared and not ready. My question is do you ever feel ready? Is what I am feeling just nerves or is it a sign that the timing is wrong?

My husband says he will support me no matter what I decide but as I have pcos that also has to taken into consideration (e.g might take a long time to get pregnant again if I don't have this one). If it was someone else I would say go for it, but it's me and I am soooooo scared. Both of pregnancy, birth and being a mum. Also does anyone have tips on how to overcome anxiety or fear associated with pregnancy? Help please!!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

From what you've said, it sounds like this pg is a lucky thing. It's not easy to conceive when you've had PCOS, and the chances get slimmer over time.

 

Also, you are conflicted about aborting the pregnancy. If your advice to someone else would be to keep the baby, then you should give yourself the same advice. If you were to abort, it sounds to me like you would not feel it was the best decision and you would regret the decision for years to come.

 

You'll also want to consider what would happen to your marriage if the pregnancy is aborted. Your husband is happy about the baby. Though he would be supportive on the surface of whatever you decide, how would he really feel? Search your feelings on this one, because I think you know the answer.

 

It is soooooooo natural to be scared of being a mom. But it sounds like, though this may not be the 'ideal' time, you are in a better position to parent your child than many others who have babies. You have a loving husband, a roof over your head, and a good job.

 

iVillage has an excellent board for moms to be that you might want to check out. Congratulations to you

[Jetta]

Read lots of books on parenting and pregnancy. I'd say some fear is normal but it sounds like you're having more than the usual amount, which could just be the shock of it all. Just so you know it doesn't matter how well prepared you think you are, life happens and plans don't always work out. Yes parenting is work, dedication, and sacrifice, but it's also a great joy.

[lillady898]

Don't get an abortion.

[Mr Meh]

I would chalk most of it up to nerves. You have a being growing inside you which you are eventually going to have to push out of a rather small opening and then raise him\her for 20 years. If you weren't nervous I'd be concerned. Not that you actually came out and said it, but if you are considering abortion, I would think that that decision will haunt you far longer (forever and subconsciously) than the child will be living with you. Especially if it will be hard for you to conceive again.

[ReadyorNot]

If its not so easy for you to get pregnant then I think you should deffinitely have this baby.

 

My best friend has a problem and has been doing everything to get pregnant. She has even been on fertility drugs for 3 months now (and three more to go) and she still cant get pregnant.

 

You would regret it, if in the future you tried to have a baby and found it to be extremely difficult. You are old enough, and you have a husband, a home and a good job. GO FOR IT AND GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!

[RayKay]

Of course it is normal to be nervous....it is a huge change to your life to become a parent, but I think that despite the difficulties one encounters MOST people would tell you it can be also one of the more rewarding things you ever do.

 

You sound like you have a supportive husband and family, and given your PCOS, this baby is a rare thing perhaps to even occur for you....I can't tell you WHAT to do, but really, it may very possibly be a blessing in diguise. Sometimes 'accidents' happen for a very good reason.....

 

And by the way, congratulations!

[QTpie87]

in my opinion even people that plan their pregnancy get a bit nervous and might not feel ready, it's normal in my opinion.

wow though, congradulations . that's so awesome, you should be happy I mean you have money, you have a husband, and a suportive family, and I don't know what pocs is but the reply before this one said it's hard to conceve if you have it, so theres a nother bounus dude. You might not have gotten a kid if not now, so it's cool.

I would be really happy seriously, I mean there are people out there that can't have kids, and you got one, that's so awesome.

 

you should talk to your husband and tell him how you are scared, Im sure he'll be there for you, he might be a little scared too, I think every new parent gets like that.

 

well congrats again.

Qtpie87

[Mr Meh]

um, what is PCOS?? because IDK!

Thanks

[jasminebose]

Thanks for all the replies. I think you may be right about it being normal to be nervous but is it normal to be shaking all the time? I woke up at 4am and was just freaking out! I am a total baby about pain and feeling unwell- I'm not sure I am mentally up to handling it. I can't stop crying. My friend said to me to think if the decsion was out of your hands and you were able to not be pregnant would you be gald or sad? I immediately thought I would feel relieved. I'm not sure now is the right time.

[Mr Meh]

You'll have to expect some pain and discomfort, but ask any parent whether it was worth it and they will always say YES! You can't imagine the amazing feeling of loving a child you've made.

Talk to somone who can be honest about having an abortion and how it has affected them. Usually the 'easy' way out leads to a long road of regret. My ex had an abortion when she was younger (20 yrs ago almost) and I'll bet that rarely a day goes by that she doesn't think about it at least once.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

You just found out yesterday. So you're in shock. Given some other things you've said, I think if you abort, you'll deeply regret it. Pregnancy is temporary. An abortion is forever. I know you're not sure you're ready, but think about it logically. Think about going through labor (which is really not that big a thing...I mean, that's how we all got here), and then taking your beautiful baby home.

 

Of course you'd feel relieved if you could magically be un-pregnant. That would be the most IMMEDIATE feeling. But you need to think about the long run, not what you'd feel in the short term. This is a long term decision.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

um, what is PCOS?? because IDK!

Thanks

 

PCOS is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Here's a link...

link removed

 

Hope this is helpful.

 

It's pretty hard to conceive if you have it.

[jasminebose]

Hey everyone and thanks again for the replies.

Looks like we are going against what almost everyone here said. We have pretty much decided we aren't ready for a baby. I know everyone thinks I should be happy (as have job, husband, pregnancy) but I'm not. We went to talk to a counsellor last week and talked it over. We have done nothing but talk about it, cry about it, feel guilty about it for a week now. Both families have been supportive and understand as best they can (in that they are not in our heads).

OK so here are the main reasons:

1. was planning to do a post grad degree next year (2-3 years long, full time) and still want to do that

2. we want to buy a flat before having a baby

3. we want more time together as a couple before having a baby

4. I want time to prepare for a baby (more than 8 months!) e.g. reading and learning what to expect/best way to raise a baby.

5. this may sound crazy but to have to struggle to have a baby may make me more happy about getting pregnant next time.

6. I think I need to deal with my fears before getting pregnant

7. I don't want to put more pressure on my husband, he already works 12 hours a day out of town and is tired all the time.

 

Just because we are in a better situation than most doesn't mean we are where we want to be in life when having a baby. the pcos is a bit of a concern but as I was diagnosed while pregnant i think we should repeat the tests after not being pregnant. My husband has been great through this and he will make a great dad but he is right when he says we hurried into marriage and had problems as a result. I don't think I want to spend my life finding myself in situations I'm not ready for and just going along with it because its happened. Any feedback appreciated. Does anyone understand?

JZ

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I'm really sorry you feel this is the only option for you. I have a feeling that this is a decision based on fear, and that, furthermore, you'll regret it down the line, and not just because of PCOS. Why don't you give your baby a chance to have his/her life and put him/her up for adoption? At least then you won't have the guilt of having taken his or her life from him/her. I don't mean to give you a guilt trip here - I just mean to discuss facts.

[cleverme123]

It happened for a reason, your life doesn't end being pregnant, I am 26 with three kids. I wasn't ready for my first, second or third. But I never thought twice and although my family didn't support me in anything I still am raising 3 kids practically by myself. My husband is supportive, I do many things and go to college. I take my baby who is three months with me practically every where. I feel proud to have my kids.

 

Look, you have PCOS!!! If you terminate this pregnancy you may not have another chance. My doctor told me I would never have kids. Don't do it.

 

Pain is bearable, it disappears after you deliver. Epidurals, drugs of all sorts totally minimize everything.

 

There is always 5000 excuses why not to have a child if you don't want one or your nervous, but there are lots of positive things as well.

[RayKay]

Hey jasmine,

 

I am sorry to hear you are having a struggle with this pregnancy, I cannot speak out against your choices as I believe it is your choice, but I really do hope you do really consider it thoroughly before you take that step.

 

Sometimes the best things to happen to us in our lives are unplanned, you having a child now does not prevent you from going on to school still, or mean you and your hubby cannot have couple time. Children change your life, but they also add tremendously to it. Even with all the reading/preparation in the world...you will NEVER be ready until they are here, honestly, because you will never know how strong that love is, or always what is the right thing to do....

 

My mum was still in university when she was pregnant with me (she was married, but still very young at 21) and I was an accident. She really did consider an abortion, but went on to have me, and two other children. She still went to school, did very well and is very successful. And a WONDERFUL mother. My father left when I was 7, but that was his character, not because of me being born...and she met my stepfather and they have been together almost 19 years now.

 

I hope you really think about it, or even consider adoption. A new flat can wait, but if you want children, and your chances of having them are slim, this may be a chance you can't risk losing. I know women with PCOS, and they have not been able to conceive despite every wish and attempt to.

 

I honestly DO understand, I really do. I know it is scary, and that is why I still think you need to make the best decision for you, and I can't tell you what that is. I just hope you really think it through and consider all avenues before you do one that shuts off the others without an option.

[Mr Meh]

Ultimately it is, of course your choice. It sounds like it's been hard and you've given it a lot of thought. I am biased because I have children, had my first daughter at 18 (her mother could not attend graduation because of her belly). Talk about plans for the future being altered. All of the reasons you have mentioned are valid ones, but not one of them are irreversible. All of them are based on the fact that you wanted to do them before you had a baby, all are based on perfect life flow with no bumps. All of them are possible to do with a baby, much harder in some cases, but possible (except of course the ones that specifically exclude having a baby: like spend time together before getting pregnant etc).

However having an abortion is not reversible. That is the one thing for which no workarounds or compromises are possible. The one thing that will always be there.

Well, we hung around a lot together, I have my degree, we have a nice flat..I wonder what that baby would have been like. You will never know. You will wonder though, until you die. And hopefully you'll both wonder at the same level, hopefully you both have your perfectly laid plans come together, so that when the remorse sets in no one will be blamed for forcing the other's hand.

or..

Well we hung around together, I'm sure glad there are babysitters, I have my degree (took a little longer because of the odd night class), and this flat is nice (although I stepped on a marble this morning)...I wonder what Billy wants for supper..I think I'll ask him.

From my own personal experience, a father at 18, I have honestly never once looked back and wondered what could have been, what I missed out on in my 20s (other than a bunch of dates and hangovers). My life just became what it is. I became a guy with a kid and my priorities transformed to embrace that. Life throws a curveball into plans every once in a while, it's called living. Granted I can't say how much it would continue to bother me had we decided to terminate, but I have lived with remorse and know that I would wonder often about it and whether I made the right decision.

I'm sorry for the loong post and the dramatic aspects of it. I really just wanted to illustrate the changeable vs irreversible aspects of the situation. Good luck..I hope this works out for you.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

A new flat, a degree, all of those things...they are very shallow reasons for wanting to end someone else's life and deal with the aftermath of it for years to come.

 

Your husband may be supporting you...but the first reaction is usually the truest one, and wasn't his first reaction happiness at the news of the baby? I have a feeling that this abortion will be the start of the end of many things. Are you sure that the people in your life aren't just telling you what they think you want to hear so as not to upset you or appear to undermine the socially sacrosanct 'right to choose'? I'm sure they would not want to risk alienating you. I'm sorry to say that...but are you sure that the real reason isn't just that you're scared out of your wits?

 

And finally...how can this decision be the right one if it's so agonizing? If it were really the right thing, you'd be a lot more certain.

[jasminebose]

I think most of you are being very harsh and pro life. I claimed to be pro life too til I found myself in this position and now feel like it is not my place to judge as I've never been in someones else's shoes. I need support not judgement just now.

 

Phrecklesrsexy- This has not been an easy decision or for shallow reasons. If first reactions are truest- I can tell you I wasn't happy. And who is to say that the people who supported the idea of having a baby were not just taking a 'right to life' attitude? It is a bit naive to say I would be sure if it was the right choice- I wouldn't be sure either way. And who gives you the right to say that fear is not a legitamite reason? Have you ever lived with my fear? Finally the phrase you used 'ending someone's life' is a bit emotive and I don't think helps. ~However you are entitled to your point of view.

 

Mr Meh- I appreciated your post, I think what you said is true- a lot of my reasons could be handled, just in diff ways at diff times. But that in the end is down to whether I am motivated enough by the thought of a baby to let my life be diff to how i imagined it to be. I realise abortion is not reversible, but neither is having a child. My own mum had her first child at 21 and never went back to study and has been frustrated as a result. I think it must become harder to pursue what you want once you have babies. This is esp the case as when I have kids I want to be there with them and have more than one and be really happy to be a mum. I'm not sure i can do that now.

 

RayKay- thanks too, valid points and like I said I know some unplanned decisions turn out to be good (eg. my marriage) and I'm sure you are right I will never be totally prepared but is there harm in becoming more prepared and wanting this more than I do now? I also know women with pcos who have had trouble conceiving but I also know some who have had no problems. There are some famous examples- posh spice, jools oliver, etc.

 

Cleverme- I know life won't end as a result of a baby but you can't tell me it won't change it totally.If you never thought twice then you are in a very different position to me as my fear wouldn't let me sail through this. it isn't only pain I am afraid of there are logical reasons why i think there could be a better time. I love kids, I realise there are great things about being a mum but am i ready? No.

 

OK guys responses!

[cleverme123]

Just to clear it up I had no family support, my first childs father tried to kill me, and I wound up on the street and in a battered womens shelter facing abortion option.

 

Let me tell you that I got up decided maybe my child was a blessing I wasn't ready and her father was a psycho and sure it wasn't right for me, no job, no money, no support. But it made me want to work harder, go back to school, and get up. I made a mistake, but I chose to engage in sex which produced a child and for that reason I decided not to abort. Yes I am also prolife and I swore I would never, but I had a chance and didn't and I look at my daughter who is beautiful and she saved my life. I got my act together to raise her.

 

If you aren't willing to give up your life and your freedom then no you should not have a child. It is time, work and money. But there is the emotional toll of abortion. I had to have an abortion later on due to medical risk, and every day it eats me alive, I feel guilty.

 

I am telling you simply examine both sides, even after the pregnancy is ended, you will think about it. When you get pregnant again if ever, you will be reminded of what you once carried but is no more. You will always think what if.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Phrecklesrsexy- This has not been an easy decision or for shallow reasons. If first reactions are truest- I can tell you I wasn't happy. And who is to say that the people who supported the idea of having a baby were not just taking a 'right to life' attitude? It is a bit naive to say I would be sure if it was the right choice- I wouldn't be sure either way. And who gives you the right to say that fear is not a legitamite reason? Have you ever lived with my fear? Finally the phrase you used 'ending someone's life' is a bit emotive and I don't think helps. ~However you are entitled to your point of view.

 

I'm sorry that what I had to say wasn't very palatable. But the truth is not always likeable. I'm not trying to judge you. Asking for advice on a board on the internet is opening yourself up to people from all walks of life, and one is going to get many opinions, some of which are not going to dovetail with what the poster is looking for.

 

I'm not just saying have a baby because it's pro-life or anything. I'm saying it because I honestly feel from the things you've said that an abortion is not a good idea here. I don't want to just tell you what you wish to hear.

 

And even more so when you say that you were pro-life. That would say to me that you will suffer even more of a conflict than someone who normally was pro-choice. The only thing that could change someone's convictions in the blink of an eye like that...fear, a healthy dose of it. Decisions made in fear are almost never the right ones.

 

If you were pro-life, then you thought at some point that the child within you, who is probably sucking his or her thumb by now and whose heart is beating like a drum, had a right to live and that that right was separate from your rights. You had reasons for thinking this. All of that is now swept away.

 

There's nothing emotive about speaking the truth, unless it strikes a chord within you. It is true that abortion stops a being from living. Can anyone deny this? If that were not true, there would be no need for an abortion. It does end a life. If you can live with that, then it's not emotive. But if inside you are conflicted about this, then it is emotive. Reactions to words are very telling.

 

You have to live your life with integrity. You must be true to yourself and that means not letting fear rule you. I have a feeling you'll regret this. If you go through with the abortion, I am not someone who is going to think of you as a bad person by any stretch of the imagination. I am just encouraging you to be barebones honest with yourself...don't gloss over anything. Think of alllllll the ramifications...not the immediate feeling of relief that you'll have.

 

Abortion isn't your only choice if you're not ready to be a parent. There's no reason to say you can't give the baby up for adoption...you don't have to put your life on hold. To me, since you are/were pro-life, that would be much easier to deal with for the rest of your life than ending the baby.

 

Keep in mind that disagreement and judgment are not the same thing. Whichever decision you ultimately follow through with, I am not going to judge you, call you names, or anything stupid like that. I'm not someone who's going to say I told you so to someone who's in such emotional turmoil.

 

Good luck and peace with whatever decision you make,

Sheila

[jasminebose]

OK have to admit I misjudged both of you, sheila and cleverme. To clarify my position- i have always been prochoice when it comes to others choices but thought when dealing with myself that I could not go through with an abortion (that's what I meant by sort of being prolife). Sort of like holding myself up to a diff standard.

 

Sheila-you are right I am going through a hell of a conflict in my mind. To say that decisions based on fear are not usually the right ones is true however when you feel like your life is dominated by fear, and is self imposed, more fear and situations you fear are not welcome . I realise I need to sort this out and that this is not a healthy state of affairs but I don't feel able to handle this now. i think a child does not automatically have a right to life if the parents choose they are not ready for a baby. I think it is irresponsibe to get in this position but here I am. you are right I need to be honest with myself and try and face the fear but is it you or anyone else who is there with me when i wake up in the middle of the night terrified? It is me who has to deal with it and i don't know that I can do it. As for adoption that involves facing all my fears of pregnancy and labour and then giving my baby away. No way I could do it.

You are probably right that I will look back and wish I could have handled this and dealt with having a baby with integrity but I am not flawless, I have fear and I don't feel happy and I'm human. And thats ok.

JZ

[TheSmilingTurnip]

one more thing...

 

please know that I was in your shoes. I know what you're going through. In a bit different way, but I do know what you're going through.

 

I divorced my ex in early 2003. I had gotten married at 19 and for the first time in my life, I was thin, single, free, and had my place and FREEDOM. I could do whatever I wanted. I was having fun, dating, thinking about my next move and looking forward to being able to live wherever I want, the whole nine yards.

 

Then one day I came over to my parents' house, where my sister lived with my then 2 yr old niece and discovered that the baby's ankles were tied together with a sock to keep her from getting out of her crib. A couple weeks later, they were using duct tape.

 

So I had a choice to make, just like you do. I knew I had to do something. I couldn't risk the baby being thrown in the foster care system and being tossed around. But I was scared to raise a kid, scared of the cost, the loss of freedom, the whole nine yards. I followed my conscience, and as a result, I don't have to wonder what could have happened or what might have been...my conscience is clear. I still go out, I'm still going to school, and not only that, but I'm not even married, so it's a lot harder for me.

 

I'm glad I did what I did; I can live with myself and will never have regrets. That's more important than anything. Your flat will be nice. A degree will be helpful. More time with your husband would rock. But the most important thing is what you feel like inside about decisions you've made. Regrets and doubts will mar anything else that is accomplished by aborting this baby. That is what I worry about for you.

 

Peace and blessings to you no matter what,

Sheila

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Doing something that goes against your grain won't help alleviate your fears; it'll make them worse because it will undermine your confidence and security even more. If you thought you couldn't go through with an abortion before, there's a reason for that and it's not just on the surface.

 

No one's flawless; certainly, no one expects you or anyone else to be flawless...you do have fear, and that's something we all have. Abortion won't take that way, and it won't make you happy. I encourage you to think beyond the fear; think beyond what seems to be the easiest way to go. Think about the hour after, think about the day after, the month after...know what I mean?

 

Good luck,

Sheila