Why is it narcissistic when I know what ppl feel, but not when others know?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Nope I didn’t know this.  
 

I’ve only said I’ve seen her “react like this before” to her dog. That’s what I said, and that’s what I’ve seen. Like I’ve seen her do it when she’s been overly stressed. So no, I had no idea I would have startled her 

 

but it happened. I’m not blaming anyone. Expressing my thoughts isn’t blaming or playing the victim. It’s helping me to detach from black and white extremes.  

I mean how you treated her after as if you were hurt -you grabbed at her and even if unintentional it scared her.  So you say I'm so sorry and you treat the person kindly.  Which is not what you did.  It's not a huge deal but you escalated the problem with your reaction IMO.

[NighttimeNightmare]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So you say I'm so sorry and you treat the person kindly.  Which is not what you did. 

I did say sorry lol   We are both allowed to react, I don’t think her reaction was premeditated, nor was mine.  I’m not a monster for going into fight or flight mode.. she did the same.   

 

this is the problem with advice boards — while helpful, it’s nearly impossible to tell the entire story, I’m doing it to the best I can as I’m typing it but of course there was so much more that happened, probably even moreso in any non verbal communications that went on 

 

point is, we both apologized to one another that night. And she hugged me before she left.  We are going to meet tomorrow to talk about it 

 

think I’m handling this well 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I did say sorry lol   We are both allowed to react, I don’t think her reaction was premeditated, nor was mine.  I’m not a monster for going into fight or flight mode.. she did the same.   

 

this is the problem with advice boards — while helpful, it’s nearly impossible to tell the entire story, I’m doing it to the best I can as I’m typing it but of course there was so much more that happened, probably even moreso in any non verbal communications that went on 

 

point is, we both apologized to one another that night. And she hugged me before she left.  We are going to meet tomorrow to talk about it 

 

think I’m handling this well 

Why do you insist on exaggerating.  You weren't a monster at all.  But you caused the issue - she was the victim.  Not you.  Some people are fine with being grabbed in that way by someone they don't know or recognize others are not and that was your risk to take when you chose to "joke" or "tease" or "prank".  

I think your reaction was worse because you started it and she was the victim.  Your reaction was self-absorbed while she was reacting to a perceived unwanted touching and if you grabbed that's more concerning to a woman very often IMO.  No one was monstrous - your exaggerations simply deflect and dismiss my input.  You don't need at all to agree and I don't mean I am right but it's silly to exaggerate. IMHO.

Good luck with the talk.

[NighttimeNightmare]

We talked about it and she told me it just startled her because her ex husband used to hit the wall by her head, and with my mask on it scared her and then she felt like I didn’t care.    I explained I just shut down and felt scared cos her reaction in turn startled me and shared that I also had an abusive ex whose blowups it reminded me of and I froze. It wasnt that I didn’t care, I physically froze.   We both understood one another’s sides and laid out boundaries, she said it sounds like we both just have some things from our past that got triggered.  Her boundary is that I can’t put my hands around her face because of her past, and I said ok that’s your boundary and I won’t do it again.  Thanked her for trusting me with her feelings.  
 

She said she was sad that we hadn’t spoken, and that in her family they brushed everything under the rug and she didn’t want it to be that way between us, she didn’t want either of us to put any walls up so she was glad we had the talk, I agreed and said it was very weird not talking and I didn’t like any of it. 
 

It’s all good now