Reevaluating a 6 year old friendship

[Annannspaspan]

I had planned to celebrate my 23d birthday with my friends, and we had set a meeting time. One of my friends asked me to bring some cat food for her kitty because she forgot to, and as a fellow cat owner, I felt obliged to help. However, I ended up arriving late, making my friends wait for about 20 minutes, which was unusual for me.
 

That friend who asked me for the cat food called me when I arrived, expressing frustration and saying she was going home in a kinda rude manner like " i dont give a *** im going home". I tried to persuade her to join us like " cut this no sense and come " , but she acted quite immature despite being 26.  I apologized i had never made a big deal about her lateness in the past.

Despite this, we chose a restaurant with the other girl , ordered, and everything seemed fine. Out of the blue, I noticed the friend coming next to us looking all grumpy and seriously upset with me. I found it confusing since I had brought her along to celebrate my birthday, even though I wasn't obligated to. What puzzled me further was that she ordered the most expensive dish between the two of us and asked if i had brought the cat food. And the bill was pretty high since I told the other girl that since it's the two of us she can get comfortable with the menu. Also she comforted me so I really appreciated that .
This situation led me to contemplate the state of my friendship with the other friend. I've done so many things of this person and she owes me, atleast a thank you, im not talking about money...I've helped her with her degree, I've added from my wallet when i didnt have to , I count her in all the time, lend her my time...I have even tried to get her a boyfriend because she hasn't dated someone yet...atleast be nice.

[Batya33]

It's about perception -you did those things expecting her to remember you did and "be nice" because of it - and she's supposed to cut you slack about being late because she has been late but maybe to her it's not apples and oranges.  also were you treating for this bday celebration you planned or were they treating you? 

It sounds like it got off to a bad start with your lateness and she was sulky about it.  Also I'd avoid going to the extremes of "getting someone a boyfriend" (what does that mean actually - you introduced her to someone -that was done for me, I did it for others but then it's up to the couple to decide whether they want to be together).  Also in my definition of friendship I never lend my time -part of friendship is being there for each other which can take time.  You can choose not to devote as much time, or not the particular times -you can have boundaries but if friendship isn't about giving (not "lending") time freely then what is it? 

It sounds like you two aren't connecting well right now so maybe in I statements tell her you were frustrated, maybe apologize again for being late and consider that you feel very superior to her and that might be hampering a true friendship at this point.  

[Annannspaspan]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

It's about perception -you did those things expecting her to remember you did and "be nice" because of it - and she's supposed to cut you slack about being late because she has been late but maybe to her it's not apples and oranges.  also were you treating for this bday celebration you planned or were they treating you? 

It sounds like it got off to a bad start with your lateness and she was sulky about it.  Also I'd avoid going to the extremes of "getting someone a boyfriend" (what does that mean actually - you introduced her to someone -that was done for me, I did it for others but then it's up to the couple to decide whether they want to be together).  Also in my definition of friendship I never lend my time -part of friendship is being there for each other which can take time.  You can choose not to devote as much time, or not the particular times -you can have boundaries but if friendship isn't about giving (not "lending") time freely then what is it? 

It sounds like you two aren't connecting well right now so maybe in I statements tell her you were frustrated, maybe apologize again for being late and consider that you feel very superior to her and that might be hampering a true friendship at this 

Saying a "thank you" isn't that hard tbh, I'm expecting human decency from a grown woman . It was my treat and I told them beforehand of course, I was also planning it for a while. She told me to help her out with setting her up with one of my friends, she insisted. Ive been supportive , and there for her and ive given my time freely , but I'd appreciate it if she didn't  dismisses it ,because it feels that she doesn't treat me as a friend but as someone she can rely on when needed.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Annannspaspan said:

Saying a "thank you" isn't that hard tbh, I'm expecting human decency from a grown woman . It was my treat and I told them beforehand of course, I was also planning it for a while. She told me to help her out with setting her up with one of my friends, she insisted. Ive been supportive , and there for her and ive given my time freely , but I'd appreciate it if she didn't  dismisses it ,because it feels that she doesn't treat me as a friend but as someone she can rely on when needed.

Oh. You didn’t say she didn’t say thank you. Of course she should its basic manners. You seemed to be looking for more. You’ve answered your own question. The underlying issue is you don’t feel she treats you as a friend and you feel she takes advantage. So it’s on you to establish better boundaries and of course you can end the friendship. But own your part. Meaning don’t keep giving to someone who’s shown you this is not a friendship on her end. If you choose to keep giving then know that you will feel frustrated if she continues to show no reciprocity. 

[shouldhavelearned]

What a crappy friend

You help her out and then she's pissed.

[catfeeder]

I hear, and I'm sorry this woman disappointed you on your birthday. That was a selfish thing to do, and you have every right to reevaluate her place in your life.

My own private rule is to not burn bridges. That doesn't make me a pushover, I just recategorize any given friend to 'acquaintanceship' status. I remain kind whenever our paths cross. I remain open to accepting their phone calls to the degree that they remain reciprocal rather than me just acting as their sounding board. And notice that I said 'accept' a call rather than reaching out.

I won't initiate plans with an acquaintance. I may accept an invitation that doesn't require much beyond showing up somewhere with a nice gift or whatever, but never anything that requires purchasing tickets or offering a ride or depending on them for anything.

However, sometimes I will find a good niche with an acquaintance that works out better than before. So these might become strictly a movie friend with a quick bite or a walk afterward, or a shopping friend where we enjoy exploring small towns or antique markets or art shows--but I've just let go of my illusions of our bond being intimate.

You might feel better to just stop helping her with anything. See whether you can find a shared interest that keeps you both at a comfortable arm's length investment in one another. Also make room for the idea that not every friendship is a 'forever' bond. There are natural courses of divergence throughout our lifetime where we prioritize some people and interests over others, but this can also lead to wonderful reunions down the road when out life paths can become parallel once again.