Confused about sex?

[curbie]

Hi. It sure has been a looooooooong time since I've posted..*ahem* So anyways..I have a new g/f of 9 months now. First off, I want to just say that I've changed religiously, and so has she. We're both Christians and I feel like we're going to "burn" for this - *just my opinion*

 

What I am confused about is this: For about 3 months or so now, we've been having sex. We both call it "making love" b/c in our opinions, there is a difference between "F'ing" and "making love." So...now all of the sudden, we just got over a disagreement and I understand that something triggered this..I'm just confused. She tells me that she decides to not stay the night anymore. This includes having sex with me. However...it's ok with her to "mess around." Pretty much fondle, give and receive oral sex, and every other kind of foreplay out there. She just stops at the sex level. So...she wants to get married and so do I, but that won't even begin to happen until she's out of college next summer in 2006. I think that making love is important in a relationship, even though it states differently in the bible. I will wait, but I just think it will be rough for me. I shouldn't be like that, I know. It's almost like I love her just for the sex or almost like i want to marry her just for the sex..but that's not it at all because I do love her with all my heart. I just need to respect her decision. *sigh* I know, I know...if I truly love her, then I will agree and respect what she says...am I wrong to be confused? Just thought I'd post and see what others thought as well??

[heloladies21]

I do think the reasoning is wrong here. Having sex and then all of a sudden stopping for religious reasons? Doesn't make sense to me that she can find this conviction after a fight. She might be testing you to see if you really care about her, or she might be witholding sex and using it against you. Something just doesn't seem right. If both of you were virgins or were born again or had never done it yet things would be different.

 

The reason why you're confused is because you're not getting what you really want in the relationship and something doesn't feel right. And sex is really important to you and that's just fine. Don't apologize for what you want. You can respect her decision but that doesn't mean you have to agree with it. What she wants is important, but isn't what you want important as well??? Shouldn't it actually be more important? It's not being spoiled or selfish, it's being honest with yourself. You don't have to be OK with this, you can decide to be ok with this, but don't just sweep this under the rug. Talk to her about it so you can understand each other right away.

[michelemybell]

Okay, dont be so hard on yourself--You're not going to "burn" for having sex. But you might want to reconsider what you do from now on if you are true to your religion. By following a religion, you dont make up rules as you go along, permitting you to do certain actions just because you want to or it's too hard to follow. Why be a Christian if you aren't going to follow or practice what the religion requires?

As far as sex, you can go ahead and do it, but I would consider you a hypocrite to your religion. You would be a Christian who doesn't follow Christian priciples.

If you dont really know if oral sex is in the same category, please talk to someone at your church and clarify what is meant by premarital sex.

As far as not being able to control the urge, there have been others in the church that have faced this same dilemma. You just have to have other outlets--such as sports--that will distract you. I'm not a Christian, but my boyfriend and I waited close to a year before we had sex! Now we are married and I'm glad I waited because we got to know each other outside of just a sexual relationship. I think that is the whole point of waiting until you are married--So sex doesn't cloud your judgment as it is doing to you right now!

As far as your girlfriend, she may be feeling guilty or finally wants to be true to her religion and do the morally correct thing. Maybe she is willing to do other sexual things because she is afraid to lose you, or you are pressuring her. I'm sure she is having a struggle within her head that her religion says one thing and she is completely doing the opposite. Maybe you both can meet with someone in your church and discuss these things.

[SPark]

I think it`s tough to go back to NOT having sex, and as a religion major and someone raised religiously, I really think that doing "everything but" is kind of missing the point of "saving oneself" for marriage. I think that rather than "respecting her decision", you guys need to talk. Perhaps there is a pastor or Christian counselor that you could consult for help with the religion side of things? I can in no way tell you what to do, but personally I`d get clear on my personal ethics and either (if I felt that sexual contact truly went against a religious doctrine that I wished to follow) stick to holding hands and a goodnight kiss, or go ahead and have sex. F***ing and making love are not mutually exclusive, I don`t think, just different ways of describing a normal human behavior that has physical, psychological, and emotional components, all intertwined...doing it or refraining from doing it is, IMHO, neither better or worse, but IS a personal choice and a choice between the people involved.

 

There are. of course, many perfectly valid reasons for refraining from having sex...and love and sex do NOT always have to go together...in fact, they often don`t...but such decisions need to be made with some soul-searching, self-knowledge and discussion. No one should do anything sexual unless they are comfortable with themselves, the situation, and their partner. Considering these factors may involve one`s personal religious beliefs, if any.

 

It`s a tough situation. Hope this helps a little bit.

[curbie]

Thank you...each one of you for your posts. I am in a confused state of mind right now. Actually, in the bible in 1 Corinthians, the author states that it is better to be single than to marry, b/c that way you could focus on Him and when you got married (not that it was a sin) but your attention would be divided up. Your attention would be to the wife (or husband), moral things in the world and your kids (if you had any), and lastly Him. I'm not going to leave her just because thats what it says in 1 Corinthians, and yes I agree that I would be labled a hypocrite if we did oral sex & every other kind of foreplay. That's something that confuses me, too. She says "we can mess around...just not have sex." She also won't stay the night anymore, b/c for a while it was every other weekend she would stay the night. Now all of the sudden...she says "Well...I won't stay the night every other weekend, I might once in a while..just not all the time. I want things to be special when we get married, and not get used to staying the night all of the time. I don't want it to get redundant." So...maybe I'm reading way too much into this? Do your opinions on the matter change after having said this?

[shorty20]

i agree. If she dosen't want to have sex anymore, but wants to do EVERYTHING else, I think she's a little confused herself. Me also being raised in a religious family, the point of saving yourself was so that you could have something to give your spouse when you were married. In addition, in order to save yourself, you need to get rid of all temptation to do anything that could even lead to sex ie. put yourself in situations where you could be tempted to do anything of the sort, or getting so emotional while kissing that your emotions take over and cause you to do more. It's confusing to know what the boundaries are, but I think it's more of a personal decision on what boundaries you set. If, however, you and your girlfriend are really devoted to being Christians, I don't think the answer is to just cut out sex but do everything else. You guys need to talk about this and come to a mutual decision on setting boundaries, etc. BTW, just one question, did you and your girlfriend just recently become christians together, or were you christians when you met?

[curbie]

shorty20> Thanks for your post, I appreciate it I was raised in a somewhat of a Christian way. Looooong story...but to make it short..I used to go to church when I was little. Now that I'm all grown up, there was many years in which we stopped going to church. I did believe the whole time allthough I was lost and sinning, etc...I am now "found" again. She on the other hand...has been raised in a strict religious family background. Used to be Quaker I think and now Christian religion is her thing. I hope that answered your question...got anymore advice?

[curbie]

When I say that her and I think there is a difference between "F'ing and making love" I mean by this:

 

making love sex *duh* and it have some meaning and feelings put into it. Just not real rough and doing it for the heck of it.

 

F'ing this something that porn stars do?? I don't think they make love for a living...they screw and "F" for a living...F'ing in my opinion is just doing it for the heck of it and getting real rough (bondage) or maybe toys..I dunno...but once again, thats just my opinion. Doesn't mean everyone else has the same!

[michelemybell]

Curbie, You sound very confused. Now you are questioning whether you should get married because somewhere in the Bible it says that you will be put last as husband in her priorities? (And I believe that is a bunch of B.S. The only way she would put you last is if she chose to do so, not because the Bible says that will be the case.) Do you honestly want to get married, or just want a girlfriend? It sounds to me that sex is definitely clouding your judgment now.

And Shorty, I was confused with your post. First you say that it is hard to do everything else because you will be tempted to go all the way. Then you tell Curbie that him and his girlfriend should do everything else except sex?

My suggestion Curbie is to talk to someone in your church about your confusion. Ask them is sexual relations besides intercourse okay as a Christian. Then, like Shorty suggested, have an honest discussion with your girlfriend what you want to do. Honestly, it sounds like you two have different values right now, and both of you sound confused about your religion and whether it's something you even want to follow, or at least follow according to their rules. If you do decide to continue having sexual relations, then both of you should accept that it is against your religion and that you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

[SPark]

Curbie wrote:

When I say that her and I think there is a difference between "F'ing and making love" I mean by this:

 

making love sex *duh* and it have some meaning and feelings put into it. Just not real rough and doing it for the heck of it.

 

F'ing this something that porn stars do?? I don't think they make love for a living...they screw and "F" for a living...F'ing in my opinion is just doing it for the heck of it and getting real rough (bondage) or maybe toys..I dunno...but once again, thats just my opinion. Doesn't mean everyone else has the same!

 

I understand your definitions. Personally, I find the soft music, candles, "Darling, I want to make love to you" thing a huge turnoff...LOL...and down-and-dirty doesn`t mean that you can`t be deeply in love!! I fully understand, though, that more people would probably agree with you on this one!

 

I think that it`s important to realize, though (and this might even relate to your question!), that love and sex CAN go together, but they are NOT the same!! Love is an elemental driving force in the universe...sex is a behavioral option. The media would like you to think that if you are in love, you have to have sex, and that if you`re not having sex, you must not really be in love, but I would have to beg to differ on that one. I`ve been in love plenty of times with no sexual involvement whatsoever, and of course there is also sex without love...although I am one of those softies who finds that more problematic...I guess when it comes to loving people, I`m easy...LOL.

 

I would agree with the previous poster that you sound a bit confused...and I think that your definitions might even reflect that. At some level, there are choices to be made here, by both you and your girlfriend...love, beliefs, church doctrine, sex, marriage...just make sure that you are really clear on what the issues are with EACH of these, because they don`t have to go together in only one way, or indeed at all.

 

It sounds just a little bit like you might be happier just having a girlfriend, and sex now than worrying about trying to integrate your desires with your religion and thinking about marriage when you sound a bit unsure about the whole thing, and the timing is, as you said, not yet right...so maybe someone in your church can help advise you on that?

 

As you`ve read, a lot of us were raised religiously, and (no doubt) continue to be fine, upstanding, ethical people, but don`t follow a particular formal religious doctrine. It is easier to follow rules than to figure things out on your own, and religion can be a great source of guidance and comfort...just make sure that you are not making basically unethical choices while trying to avoid "technically" sinning...by which I mean that it is very important that you be comfortable with the choices that you make, whether those choices relate to religion, sex, marriage, or whatever...your choices have to come out of who you are as a person and what you truly feel and believe inside, or there isn`t much point, is there?

 

To put it in a more Christian context, I doubt we`ll be judged on whether we followed the letter of the law!

(not sure if this link is appropriate to your denomination, but I thought it related to some of your questions: link removed )

[curbie]

Thank you all for your posts and yes..I'm very confused. I don't know about sex clouding my judgement...its just something I was used to and now the sex stopped, so I'm all like not sure how to act. Yeah, I think it is important in a relationship, but I won't force her or let it cloud my thinking. I'm also afraid to talk to any of the church members or our pastor, because I'm afraid they'll ask me if my g/f and I already had sex..and I can't lie...so I'm afraid they'll look down on us if they know whats really going on. I guess that's the conviction I'm going to have to live with....*sigh*

[SPark]

Well, gosh, then...I guess I have to take back what I said about religion being a source of guidance and comfort.

 

Look, those pastors and church leaders are NOT supposed to judge you. You are dealing with the type of choice about sexual behavior that tons and tons of people deal with every day, and you are trying to behave responsibly for yourself and your girlfriend. You really aren`t alone on this, and if it is any help at all, I doubt very seriously that you will "burn" for making the right choice for you...and people are SUPPOSED to do some soul searching and ask themselves tough questions about religion AND sex...which is what you are doing! If the pastors and church leaders have not faced similarly tough issues in their own lives, then they are hardly in a position to judge or advise you anyway...but don`t tell them I said so, ok? They sound kind of scary.

 

Since this IS so tough, have you considered a professional counselor with a Christian focus? Someone NOT affiliated with your church might really be able to help you clear up some of the confusion and clarify the relevant issues.

[curbie]

Since this IS so tough, have you considered a professional counselor with a Christian focus? Someone NOT affiliated with your church might really be able to help you clear up some of the confusion and clarify the relevant issues.

 

Yeah, that is a good option I should check into...the professional counselour sounds like a good idea. Thanks!