Doomed to be alone?

[NeverEnough]

I am pretty much a "What you see is what you get" type. I am unwaveringly loyal, I try to be honest as much as I can and I don't let people down if I can possibly manage it. Granted, when I am cold, it is very much so, but it's rarely unwarranted without provocation. I am a very giving, thoughtful and loving person who genuinely enjoys doing things for other people. I find joy in the happiness of others and in helping to relieve burdens in people's lives. There are not many people I have met that don't like me.

 

But no one ever seems to like me enough to want to be with me. Or with only me. 

 

All bar one partner I have had has cheated on me and/or left me for someone else, and that relationship ended because they went to gaol for a long time for something they did before they met me.

 

I (thought) I had the most devoted and attentive partner - turned out he was "attentive" to every woman that would let him and/or that he could buy. Later, he tried to have me become homeless in an attempt to extort money from me. Even the person who (still) loves me unconditionally and more than anyone else has ever loved me chose to leave me for someone else.

I find that I am left feeling used a lot. Whether it be for financial gain, sex, or to try to access the very niche market products of my business at little or no cost, I have only ever had one person who's only interest in me is (still) genuinely just me.

Enquires as to why each relationship have ended this way ( in an attempt to understand, and potentially avoid this seemingly inevitable outcome) are all met with various throw offs and vague non-descript's. 

 

I just want someone who wants to be with me - and only me - without ulterior  motives, for "sleeping spoons and to enjoy all the wonderful nothing's of which life has to share."

 

How do I secure this?

 

 

[Coily]

I think the big thing is to look where you have met these men in the past. Not to be mean, but when you get a pattern like that there is a common denominator, it's you.

It sounds like these are mostly predatory types who sense you are wanting to be in a relationship, and take advantage of that. You need to look at how to change the dating pool you are in, and look to where you can find more quality men.

I don't think you have to be forever alone, like me; but I think you need to look at how you approach dating. You need to look for men who may not fit into your usual category, you need to look at meeting people through different groups than you have in the past.

I'll ponder more, and hopefully you will see some other good responses.

[NeverEnough]

10 minutes ago, Coily said:

I think the big thing is to look where you have met these men in the past. Not to be mean, but when you get a pattern like that there is a common denominator, it's you.

It sounds like these are mostly predatory types who sense you are wanting to be in a relationship, and take advantage of that. You need to look at how to change the dating pool you are in, and look to where you can find more quality men.

I don't think you have to be forever alone, like me; but I think you need to look at how you approach dating. You need to look for men who may not fit into your usual category, you need to look at meeting people through different groups than you have in the past.

I'll ponder more, and hopefully you will see some other good responses.

Its not being mean. I am fully aware that I am the common denominator, hence why I make enquires with these people later on down the track.

I find when I desire a relationship, my prospects are non existent, yet times I feel I am happier in my own company are times I usually end up in the beginnings of one shortly after and with the most contrasting people I have met in very diverse circumstances.

There must be some subconscious realization of otherwise indiscernible alleles in

 people that I am attracted to.

[Batya33]

No guarantees of finding a satisfying, healthy long term romantic relationship.  There are ways to increase the chances.  To me those are:  living a fit and healthy life style where your body and face show that - you're a healthy weight, you look clean and well put together, you make the most of your looks, you carry yourself with reasonable confidence, good posture, good body language.  

You are active in some way or in several ways -exercise, interests where you interact with others either in athletic ways, intellectual ways, both, etc.  Hiking, book groups, volunteer work at a theater or other ways of volunteering, swing dancing, cooking classes, gym classes professional organizations, etc.  You are out there in the world in a positive way in positive environments, where you are likely to meet like minded people.

You ask people you admire and respect to set you up with single, available men.  

You screen out the bad matches and/or red flag people ASAP and you don't waste time chasing people who are not that into you.  

It's great to be an honest and caring person of integrity -certainly a plus - but it's how you act in the world consistent with those qualities that really matters.

Also check in with yourself -don't assume you want a partner that badly especially if you keep getting in your own way.  Do you really? Why? I knew why for me and it propelled me forward when I felt like staying still and comfy swaddled in blankets eating frosted flakes and milk on a Friday night.

[NeverEnough]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No guarantees of finding a satisfying, healthy long term romantic relationship.  There are ways to increase the chances.  To me those are:  living a fit and healthy life style where your body and face show that - you're a healthy weight, you look clean and well put together, you make the most of your looks, you carry yourself with reasonable confidence, good posture, good body language.  

You are active in some way or in several ways -exercise, interests where you interact with others either in athletic ways, intellectual ways, both, etc.  Hiking, book groups, volunteer work at a theater or other ways of volunteering, swing dancing, cooking classes, gym classes professional organizations, etc.  You are out there in the world in a positive way in positive environments, where you are likely to meet like minded people.

You ask people you admire and respect to set you up with single, available men.  

You screen out the bad matches and/or red flag people ASAP and you don't waste time chasing people who are not that into you.  

It's great to be an honest and caring person of integrity -certainly a plus - but it's how you act in the world consistent with those qualities that really matters.

Also check in with yourself -don't assume you want a partner that badly especially if you keep getting in your own way.  Do you really? Why? I knew why for me and it propelled me forward when I felt like staying still and comfy swaddled in blankets eating frosted flakes and milk on a Friday night.

This all sounds very shallow with too much weight (pardon my pun 😋) placed looking "good" rather than being good.

In my experience, it's less likely that someone who is mainly focused on their appearance is far less likely to be with me for me, rather than be with me for what I look like (which ultimately reverts to sex) versus someone who's focus on themselves is aimed towards sustaining intergrousity.  (Integrity integrity integrity by definition, is consistent execution of a high standard of morals)

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, NeverEnough said:

This all sounds very shallow with too much weight (pardon my pun 😋) placed looking "good" rather than being good.

In my experience, it's less likely that someone who is mainly focused on their appearance is far less likely to be with me for me, rather than be with me for what I look like (which ultimately reverts to sex) versus someone who's focus on themselves is aimed towards sustaining intergrousity.  (Integrity integrity integrity by definition, is consistent execution of a high standard of morals)

I meant looking good as in looking fit and healthy -carrying yourself with reasonable confidence and good body language- genuine body language -to me that's mostly an inside thing.  I was in love with and serious for years with a man who was not good looking.  But he sparkled from the inside -it was obvious on our first date -a set up. 

Also depends on what you want -if you want longevity or perhaps to have a child or even adopt a puppy - you want someone who takes care of themselves and looks like they do.  Had I not done so I suspect I would have had more challenges carrying a pregnancy at 42 and then having the energy -mental and physical and emotional -to be a good parent and a good partner to my husband. 

I had to carry myself well and look and act fit to do that, to then go out there and meet people in a new city we moved to after marriage, to get a job in a city I'd never worked in after not working for 7 years when I was a full time mom.  At age 50. 

Those kinds of physical attributes can matter a lot -not whether I was cute/pretty but healthy, fit, projecting good energy so you're not a burden on your partner or dependent on your partner to be your "better half" out there in the world.

That is not really important for casual dating I would think -I assumed you were talking about finding a long term partner.

I do think physical features matter.  To me they have little connection to chemistry and passion which are essential.  So is sexual attraction.  

I only got serious with men of character and integrity and married a man like that.  But had I not been sexually attracted to him we would not have married.  

No one should be with you "because" of what you look like or even "because" you have integrity.  They should be with you in a serious romantic LTR because they believe in their heart and head that you are the right match for them as a person - not "because" of individual attributes -sure those attributes -character, integrity, sense of humor, compassion, thoughtfulness -will all be attributes you might think of or describe to someone as to why this person was a great match for you - and especially internal values are unlikely (we hope!) to change - but to me a person isn't a list of pros and cons and based on an attribute type analysis.  That has it's place - but a minor place IMO.

 

[FineStrawberry]

Hi NeverEnough,

It seems to me that this is a very common problem that is faced by many these days. The main issue is due to lack of knowledge of psychological reasons why you might choose certain partners or skills that make up a healthy relationship. You mentioned that you are loving, thoughtful and you seen like you might be the giver in a relationship. Do you know your attachment style? If you are Anxiously attached you might be subconsciously attracting and being attracted to avoidantly attached individuals that might use distancing strategies (including being unfaithful). It you havent looked into this, I would recommend taking a quiz to find out and understand where your attachment style is coming from. You might also have non existent or weak boundaries, if you are often the giver in a relationship and are often taken advantage of. Are you afraid to say no or fear rejection? Do you often do a lot to please people? These may be impacting the balance in your relationships, which could lead to partners taking advantage. Try looking at some of these tools to start looking inwards. The stronger boundaries you have, the more aware you are of your attachment style and conscious of whether your needs are being met in a healthy way or not, the more you will attract and be attracted to the right partners that will respect you and want you for the right reasons. Hope this helps! Let me know if you would like links to some of the resources I mentioned or book recommendations.