I think my boyfriend used to like my best friend

[happy1]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately breaking up won't be resolve the problem of you all working together and insecurities in general.

You're doing the right thing exploring this in therapy and not asking him about it anymore. That's all you can do for now. Accept his word for it that he only has eyes for you and focus on him rather than her.

Thank you. I'm starting to 'calm down' and accept it. 

[Batya33]

Just now, happy1 said:

Thank you. I'm starting to 'calm down' and accept it. 

It’s sad it’s something to accept. As opposed to just random information “oh really ? I didn’t know- how ironic “

[happy1]

Just now, Batya33 said:

It’s sad it’s something to accept. As opposed to just random information “oh really ? I didn’t know- how ironic “

What do you mean? 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, happy1 said:

What do you mean? 

Why is it an issue in the first place that before he dated you he had a crush on your friend and coworker ? Especially since you pressured him to tell you. 
In addition to my other anecdotes my husband was set up with a friend of mine when we were broken up which I didn’t realize and he didn’t realize till later when we were serious.  I met her after we broke up. Then I introduced her to a friend of mine who also knew my ex. Without me knowing my friend sent up this woman with my ex. Oh well. He chose me. 

[happy1]

On 2/18/2023 at 12:30 AM, boltnrun said:

Have you ever "liked" a man before your boyfriend? If so, is your boyfriend second choice? Should he beating himself up because you "liked" some other man?

As I said before, YOU are obsessed with her. And your obsession is going to drive him away.

Does your therapist think it's a good idea to repeatedly ask your boyfriend if he still "likes" that other woman? Does your therapist think it's healthy for you to keep on him about this? 

Have you tried any of the suggestions you were given on your other thread?

I've only just started the therapy so it's taking some time. I feel this just sent me back a bit, and the therapist had to cancel a session this weekend so I can't dicuss it until next week. 

You are right though - I definitely am obsessed with my friend and how much 'better' than me I believe her to be. My therapist thinks it's down to 'I'm not OK, you're ok' mentality and I've homed in on her for some reason to keep that mental life position going. 

So then you can understand why finding out my boyfriend liked her is hard. I honestly don't think I'd be as bothered if it were another person he'd liked before. It's my fixation with her. 

[happy1]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why is it an issue in the first place that before he dated you he had a crush on your friend and coworker ? Especially since you pressured him to tell you. 

Ah OK, I see what you're saying. That's it's not really an issue and so not really something I need to accept. I think just with it being who it is. Rationally, I can see it's not all huge deal, but as I've mentioned in previous posts, it's because of who he liked that makes it hard for me. Not the fact he liked someone before me, it's the fact he liked HER before me. 

[Jaunty]

1 minute ago, happy1 said:

What do you mean? 

It's nothing that needs accepting, in reality.  People who have reached a certain stage of life (basically after puberty) have "liked" another person.  Often they have even loved or been married, or had kids with someone.   Anybody on this site who is in a relationship knows that their SO has "liked" someone before.  It's not anything other than a fact of life.   We are all on board with that IF we are capable of having a functional relationship.

That's the reality.

You've blown this into a gigantic crisis in your own mind.   Now you are trying to "accept" it.   That is still giving this innocuous, everyday situation a ton of power in your life.  

The only way this could ever work out would be if you didn't care and just took it in stride.  That ship has already sailed, since you've been acting out and basically in full self indulgence mode with your insecurity and neediness.  Your other threads are all about this.

And the fact that you all work together, as has been mentioned before.

Unfortunately, this type of thing can turn into a "self fulfilled prophesy."   When your boyfriend finally can't take it anymore and calls it quits, you are likely to choose to see this as "proof" that he really liked the hot friend more. Right?

 

[happy1]

21 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Are you aware that it's very inappropriate to be "devastated" because a man you're dating was interested in another woman prior to his relationship with you?   Whether she's gorgeous, average or a troll doesn't matter.

I notice that you mention in almost, if not every post something about your friend and how she's "better" than you.   The language we use and how we talk to ourselves and about ourselves is important.  Try to develop and enforce some self discipline around comparing yourself disfavorably with this woman and anyone.    You need to stop that, probably with the help of your therapist.   

 

Thank you. I am working on this with my therapist. She doesn't know that latest and she had to cancel our last appointment. She's told me I have a 'You're ok, I'm NOT ok' life position; quite an extreme version. And I usually plough all of that energy into one person, which happens to be the one person my boyfriend had a crush on. The most unfortunate luck! 

I have an awareness of why I seem to have an obsession with this friend of mine over others, and I guess an awareness is the first step to recovery. I am committed to working on getting better. 

[happy1]

6 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You've blown this into a gigantic crisis in your own mind.   Now you are trying to "accept" it.   That is still giving this innocuous, everyday situation a ton of power in your life.

That's exactly how it feels, like a gigantic crisis. I have a tendency to catastrophize. Sadly, I think I may have done that here without taking a step back to see what I've done.

[happy1]

8 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Unfortunately, this type of thing can turn into a "self fulfilled prophesy."   When your boyfriend finally can't take it anymore and calls it quits, you are likely to choose to see this as "proof" that he really liked the hot friend more. Right?

Wow. That's hit hard. Thank you for the insight. That is EXACTLY what I would think if he ended it. It's like I might be trying to push and push to see if he will end it so that I can feel that I was always 'right' about it. Damn! 

[Jaunty]

1 minute ago, happy1 said:

That's exactly how it feels, like a gigantic crisis. I have a tendency to catastrophize. Sadly, I think I may have done that here without taking a step back to see what I've done.

Look at your posting history.  Not to beat yourself up, but to see the pattern.  And the pressure you are putting not only on your boyfriend but the relationship itself. 

In one thread you said you've been together a year, in another it's 6 months - either way, it's not very long and you're supposed to be getting to know each other.  You might not have what it takes for the long haul.  I understand this would be devastating for you but it's reality - most of our relationships are not leading to "forever."

But you haven't given it a chance because you're so hung up on this one thing that is mostly part of your imagination.  You're not even getting to know each other in a normal way because you're all about the hot friend and how he "liked" her one time many years ago.

[happy1]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Look at your posting history.  Not to beat yourself up, but to see the pattern.  And the pressure you are putting not only on your boyfriend but the relationship itself. 

In one thread you said you've been together a year, in another it's 6 months - either way, it's not very long and you're supposed to be getting to know each other.  You might not have what it takes for the long haul.  I understand this would be devastating for you but it's reality - most of our relationships are not leading to "forever."

But you haven't given it a chance because you're so hung up on this one thing that is mostly part of your imagination.  You're not even getting to know each other in a normal way because you're all about the hot friend and how he "liked" her one time many years ago.

We've been dating for a year and really serious for 6 months. It's all part of me not allowing myself to fully accept that he may indeed love me, not someone else. It's an extreme case of low self-esteem. I fully accept the advice I've been given, hence why I posted and I read all of the comments and take them on board. But a lot of my thinking and behaviour is not through conscious choice; it's through a lifetime of feeling 'less than'. I am committed to changing that, hence starting therapy and journalling. However, it will take time and at the minute I still need a lot of external reassurance. Of course, I would love to be able to shrug this off like some would. 

[boltnrun]

How did you find out that he did in fact used to "like" that woman?  Was it as a result of you questioning him again?

How many times do you estimate you've asked him about her?

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, happy1 said:

 But a lot of my thinking and behaviour is not through conscious choice; it's through a lifetime of feeling 'less than'. I am committed to changing that, hence starting therapy and journalling. 

Sometimes the best you can do is to "act as if" and just hold yourself accountable for your behavior / actions.  So you might continue to feel the jealousy, obsession and insecurity, but you ARE capable of keeping it to yourself or at least not unleashing any further with your boyfriend.

[happy1]

9 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Sometimes the best you can do is to "act as if" and just hold yourself accountable for your behavior / actions.  So you might continue to feel the jealousy, obsession and insecurity, but you ARE capable of keeping it to yourself or at least not unleashing any further with your boyfriend.

Thank you. 

[happy1]

15 hours ago, boltnrun said:

How did you find out that he did in fact used to "like" that woman?  Was it as a result of you questioning him again?

How many times do you estimate you've asked him about her?

Yes, he told me he had in fact liked her but it was a couple of years ago. She's been with her boyfriend for two years also. 

I've asked him on about 5 occasions I would say, over the course of the year. 

[boltnrun]

41 minutes ago, happy1 said:

Yes, he told me he had in fact liked her but it was a couple of years ago. She's been with her boyfriend for two years also. 

I've asked him on about 5 occasions I would say, over the course of the year. 

Then you don't need to ask him anymore.

Do you believe he is lying to you about loving you? Do you feel he's deceitful and dishonest? Is he untrustworthy? Doe he deserve to be treated as though he has done something wrong?

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, happy1 said:

I've asked him on about 5 occasions I would say, over the course of the year. 

Whew.  Frankly I'm surprised he's hung in there this long.  I'm sorry, OP, that would be a deal breaker for almost any man who has his own crap together.