advice on what to do with her comments?

[urbangentleman]

Well its been 3 weeks since we have had any contact (see last post of "my private thoughts")

 

I have just been to see a councellor about helping me with my feelings.I have been reading all the threads and all the books, but nothing seems to get her out of my mind, i feel i am slowly going nuts. I know i should just put it to bed and move on, but she has left the door open for me and it makes it very very hard.I'm trying to believe that what she has told mi is the truth, and she said to give her a call in a month or two.Why would she say this?

I respect her very much as a person, and have been giving her space with NC, but it is killing me an zapping my zest for life.How do i move on?

Part of me needs to , the other part of me wants to just let more time elapse, but i feel if i do that sjhe will forget me all together.

 

I have read that if u truly want someone back then you must accept that the door is shut and locked and for now it is over. The key to getting her to come back is allowing her time and space and not to push or rush her.

 

Any advice from similar situaitions?

 

I also wonder if for my own sanity i should call her up and ask her straight out if there is any chance and if not tell her then i cant do this anymore and she will leave me forever.Does the dumper ever feel or think about you after what they done>

 

Thank u all soo much.

[The_Doc]

Urban

 

Struggling as much as you man.

 

In answer to your question ---- NO don't ask her. If you do that now you are forcing the issue and when pushed she will say 'No'. I did this, I asked her to reconsider, she gave it a week and said... 'No'.

 

Since then we have maintained intermitent contact (as much from her as me) and kept it light. Some of this has been 'businesslike' but at times there has been genuine warmth and affection.

 

My advice is give her that time and in the meantime enjoy your life the best you can... even if you are not TRY!

 

Some people will disagree but there seems to be a consensus that they expect you to mourn, grieve and chase. If you don't it confuses the hell out of them.

 

When relationships break down its usually been on a downward spiral for a while. The dumper forgets what they saw in you. If they see the 'old you' again then they just might think twice, realise that they do still care and come back.

 

There is no guarantee of this but the process of trying this can only heal you as well.

 

I'm not saying its easy and every day is still a huge uphill struggle for me but imagine you in their shoes. Would you really be attracted to someone who was begging, pleading, crying, telling you they couldn't live without you??

 

Mate its hard... but socialising will help and talking in these forums to.

 

As for contact more generally. Let her contact you... if she wants to she will.

 

Hope this helps

[The_Doc]

Don't know how long you guys were together nor how long she said she needed.

 

Did you agree on NC? If you decided to do it did you tell her or just do it?

 

One friend of mine suggested a time frame to give myself.

 

To fix a date in my mind when I would give up and lay her ghost to rest. You might find this helps -- I don't know.

 

If it eats you alive and you can't wait any longer think about sending a non-emotionally threatening text or e-mail and see how she responds.

 

Now some will say No No No! But the key is what works for you! If the other person has dumped you for someone else, been abusive either pre or post break-up, or the break-up itself was nasty it seems to me that complete NC whatsoever is the solution. If not then it is not always the best solution all the time.

 

What works for you man... we are always here for you

 

The Doc

[urbangentleman]

Hey Doc,

 

Have been reading ur posts and yes it is bloody hard isnt it. I thank u for ur advice, and i would happly talk with u any time if you need to as well.So u think NC is the right way to go.And ur exactly right i want to show her that i am strong, and as everybody keeps telling me, she is the one missing out of a great guy and special person.I'm just sick of hurting and feel i may becoming depressed.In my professional life i am a CEO of a company that is getting very big under my guidance, so i feel a little odd at having to feel like this in my personal life, as i'm normally the leader with the strong mindset.I'd be lying as well if i said that this has rocked my self confidance and makes me wonder if i am attractive , or whatever....probably irrational i guess.I find it really strange that i can be a rock for anybody and give the most rational and patient advice in the world, but when it comes to myself, i just cant seem to heed my own advice.So i should just let it be and see if she comes to me u think

[The_Doc]

Well I'm useless at maintaining NC.

 

In your case she asked for the time so I think you should respect that and concentrate on yourself, concentrate on being the guy she fell in love with.

 

Focus on all your good points, all the things that made her love you.

 

When the time she asked you to give her expires you may need to change track.

 

I personally believe total NC is really only about healing rather than 'winning someone back', its to help you recover.

 

I know that its the 'not knowing' what she is thinking thing that is the one of the hardest things to live with. 'Is she missing you' etc etc.

 

If what you had was special then she will be. You cannot erase someone in a few days or weeks. The longer you guys were together the longer it will take both of you to 'move on'.

 

For now channel your energies into something else. I find writing down all my thoughts in a journal helps.

 

One final thing is whether there is anyone you know who sees her talks to her etc who is your friend as well as hers. Is there someone you can ask about her? Someone you can trust??

 

Hang in there! Its hard, the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

 

The Doc

[danimal77]

Urbangentleman wrote this: I also wonder if for my own sanity i should call her up and ask her straight out if there is any chance and if not tell her then i cant do this anymore and she will leave me forever.Does the dumper ever feel or think about you after what they done.

 

Hi Urban....I will comment on this last part of your post. If you decide to call her for your own sanity, as you put it, that is just who you will be doing it for: YOU....It may cause some instant satisfaction, BUT it CAN and probably WILL only push her further away, by putting unwanted pressure on her....

 

You speak in terms of losing her FOREVER...It doesn't have to be so final as you make it seem. Things change and so do people, along with their feelings..What once may have been anger, can become pleasant thoughts again. What once was hurt, may become happiness. What once was fear, may become comfort. BUT, rushing this process, or forcing the issue and DEMANDING answers will ALWAYS get you a NO and a REJECTION, which will lead you to having more questions to be answered.

 

You must answer your own questions on your own and that is what NC is for....Once you have come to some form of peace within yourself, you can then approach the situation with a more open and detached manner and only good can come from that.

 

Danimal

[heloladies21]

She didn't do you right by telling you to give her a call in a couple of months. She's manipulating you and using you as an insurance policy (which basically means the relationship is done).

 

You don't even need to call her to give you an answer on whether or not you 2 will get back together, that's a decision you can make on your own. You can take control of your own life and decide that you want to move on. When the time is right, you'll take that step.

 

Stay in No Contact. And don't flip out if she ever calls. She'll probably just be checking to see if you're still available. Be cool.