Trusting that there are actual good people in the world...

[Cynder]

I know it's weird to bump this thread now.  There are still a few people I want to reply to.  I just needed to step away for a little bit.  I have a lot of commissions to work on right now and I have a pretty big festival I'm prepping for. 

But I caught myself doing this again last night. 

He has PTSD.  I won't go into all the details of what caused it.  But he is actually seeing two different therapists for this and his issues with anxiety.  (I know anxiety is part of having PTSD, etc.)  I will admit I don't know a lot about PTSD.  I haven't done much research on the topic but I have done some.  It was a while ago, though.

Well, yesterday he had a panic attack.  And last night when I was at work he was texting me about it.  This was hours after it happened.  And he told me about it, and what he did to get it under control, etc.  Then the conversation went into something else for a little while.  And then maybe 10 minutes later he told me about the panic attack again. 

I responded with "Yea, you told me about it.  I'm sorry you had to go through that, babe.  I wish I could have been there to help you."  And I meant all that.  But also in the back of my mind I found myself wondering what kind of red flag this is.  Like, how could he not remember telling me that once already?  Is he on something?  The first time was he actually texting someone else and didn't realize it was me?  But then I caught myself doing it and shut it down before it became something I ruminated on. 

It's not like it was word for word copy/pasted.  And for context it was basically, "Hey, how was your night?"  "I had a panic attack and to calm down I did Y."  "I'm sorry to hear that."  Then a little while later, "I really wish I wasn't having this issue with X, it cause me to have a panic attack."  I know this is a really generic dumbed down version of the conversation.  But it at least gives the context that it came up. 

I remembered what someone said in this thread.  He doesn't deserve to be burdened with the things I've been through.  And I've been on the other end of this, too.  I dated someone in high school who's previous girlfriend cheated on him.  So, everything I did was some sign that I must be cheating.  So, If I find myself wanting to attach some nefarious motive to something innocent, I need to remember that, also.  I haven't called him out or brought any of this up, thankfully. 

Anyway... just a small update. 

[1a1a]

A friend of mine has bpd (and very likely adhd and certainly possibly ptsd, since bpd develops out of a sustained state of feeling unsafe). She has really bad short term memory. Like, worrying, could be a health problem, bad short term memory. It is definitely possible your fellow also has bad short term memory when he is in or is recovering from being in a state of high alert. 
 

Whether his repetition is nefarious or innocent, for the time being, I offer you the challenge (take it at your discretion) of observing it without attaching a value judgement. 
 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

L's bad mojo.  That's a good way to put it.  L and Z kinda fed each other's dysfunction.  When it was just Z and I living here she didn't drink much, etc. 

And you're right.  People who put up with mistreatment don't get respect.  I am planning on having L served with eviction papers here soon.  Her spotty history of paying rent when she feels like it and no when she's supposed to, plus her refusal to clean up after herself are really all I need.  I haven't done this because I still wanted a relationship with K.  But since L is moving and I will have to find other ways to see K anyway, there is no need to keep her in my house.  And I plan on having the cops here when I do this because she's violent and I'm honestly physically scared of her. 

D actually offered to be here too, when all this happens.  But I told him I don't want him here because no one I care about deserves to possibly be attacked by this psycho. 

L is the only person left in my life that is toxic like this.  And it's a combination of me only knowing her in a group setting before letting her move in and her spiral downward also.She didn't used to be a raging alcoholic.  She didn't used to be violent.  So, I didn't know her as well as I should have, but I she's changed, too. 

I might already have my next roommate lined up.  A good friend of mine who is moving back from out of state.  She's a shy, quiet digital artist who doesn't have a mean bone in her body.  And she's a vendor.  Living with someone else who works at festivals would be really beneficial for both of us. 

How much notice do you need to give her?

Can you arrange for another person or two to stay in your home with you during the notice period?

[Cynder]

10 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

How much notice do you need to give her?

Can you arrange for another person or two to stay in your home with you during the notice period?

90 days.  I wish that was possible.  

[catfeeder]

23 minutes ago, Cynder said:

90 days.  I wish that was possible.  

One idea might be to schedule as many people as possible to stagger, one by one, and stay with you randomly. So maybe back-to-back guests for the first couple weeks, then some days without a guest, then another guest--she'd never know when someone will be there.

It might even drive her out early.

I'd also consider throwing money at the problem. Hire house sitters for times between the friends or family you can schedule.

Contact your county's domestic violence prevention orgs or a local hospital to ask for an appointment with a counselor to tap for ideas and create a safe-plan. Also ask them for resources where people may be available to help with this kind of transition.

Sometimes it takes a village, but it's worth it. By outreach, you may end up making some good friends out of the experience, and you may even learn of underground kinds of orgs that you'd like to support monetarily or through volunteering.

[Batya33]

I think you should assume his repetition is because of his PTSD.

[Cynder]

17 hours ago, catfeeder said:

One idea might be to schedule as many people as possible to stagger, one by one, and stay with you randomly. So maybe back-to-back guests for the first couple weeks, then some days without a guest, then another guest--she'd never know when someone will be there.

It might even drive her out early.

I'd also consider throwing money at the problem. Hire house sitters for times between the friends or family you can schedule.

Contact your county's domestic violence prevention orgs or a local hospital to ask for an appointment with a counselor to tap for ideas and create a safe-plan. Also ask them for resources where people may be available to help with this kind of transition.

Sometimes it takes a village, but it's worth it. By outreach, you may end up making some good friends out of the experience, and you may even learn of underground kinds of orgs that you'd like to support monetarily or through volunteering.

Well, actually the 90 day thing might not be right.  I'm seeing some conflicting info now.  Some sources say 30 days.  That would be better. 

I just hope it all doesn't blow up in my face.  The whole reason I didn't evict her sooner was because I thought I wouldn't be able to see K anymore.  But now when I evict her, and things don't work out between her and this guy, she's just going to tell me I will never see K again. And then if she doesn't go to England, she will be around to stop me from seeing him.  

I have a big family.  And we are Italian.  A lot of the stereotypes about Italian families are true... at least with my family.  Finding people to help watch this place is doable.  And I like the idea of it being sporadic so she never knows when someone is coming. 

Either way though, I need to get her out of my house.  There is someone who is willing to move in here and actually pay rent and who I won't have to clean up after. 

My therapist works for a Domestic Violence prevention organization.  I have an appointment with her this week.  I'll ask her about it.

D has offered to help me any way he can in all this.  I know he can't stay here for 30 days with me.  But my basement is full of her stuff.  I know she will probably leave it all here.  He has offered to clean it out and bill her for it.  He gets paid a lot of money to clean out dead people's houses, foreclosed houses, etc.  I plan on putting something in the eviction notice saying if the basement isn't cleaned than she will be billed for cleaning it. 

[Cynder]

17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think you should assume his repetition is because of his PTSD.

Yea, it most likely was.  Especially considering the context.  The first time he told me about what he did to get it under control and the second time he told me what triggered it.  So it was mentioned twice but in a different way both times. 

In the 5 years I've known him he's never struck me as a bad person.  There are times when he is a showy person.  But I've only seen that side of him at festivals, and that's part of the festival experience for a lot of people.  People go into "festival mode."  And they don't act the same way as they do in every day life.  I do it too. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

He has offered to clean it out and bill her for it.  He gets paid a lot of money to clean out dead people's houses, foreclosed houses, etc.  I plan on putting something in the eviction notice saying if the basement isn't cleaned than she will be billed for cleaning it. 

I'm sure he is excellent at it. I'd ask him if he knows anyone else to recommend. I'd be hesitant to involve him in this way since you just shifted your relationship from friends to dating.  

[catfeeder]

16 hours ago, Cynder said:

Well, actually the 90 day thing might not be right.  I'm seeing some conflicting info now.  Some sources say 30 days.  That would be better. 

I just hope it all doesn't blow up in my face.  The whole reason I didn't evict her sooner was because I thought I wouldn't be able to see K anymore.  But now when I evict her, and things don't work out between her and this guy, she's just going to tell me I will never see K again. And then if she doesn't go to England, she will be around to stop me from seeing him.  

I have a big family.  And we are Italian.  A lot of the stereotypes about Italian families are true... at least with my family.  Finding people to help watch this place is doable.  And I like the idea of it being sporadic so she never knows when someone is coming. 

Either way though, I need to get her out of my house.  There is someone who is willing to move in here and actually pay rent and who I won't have to clean up after. 

My therapist works for a Domestic Violence prevention organization.  I have an appointment with her this week.  I'll ask her about it.

D has offered to help me any way he can in all this.  I know he can't stay here for 30 days with me.  But my basement is full of her stuff.  I know she will probably leave it all here.  He has offered to clean it out and bill her for it.  He gets paid a lot of money to clean out dead people's houses, foreclosed houses, etc.  I plan on putting something in the eviction notice saying if the basement isn't cleaned than she will be billed for cleaning it. 

You may want to look into landlord responsibility for tenant belongings. You might be required to place a public notice in the paper or something before ditching her stuff after x days or whatever.

I’d change locks and install cameras once she’s out.  While I’m sorry that this is nerve wracking for you, I’m also excited for you making such a positive change.

No doubt you’ll be able to get around her through K’s father and family. They wouldn’t want K deprived of his lifelong bond with you just because his mother is a screw up.

You’re opening new doors with better people, and I’m confident you will thrive.

PS: what about installing security cameras in common areas of the home while she’s still there? External, and find out how legal indoor ones would be?