Texts from his roommate have me questioning things...

[Cynder]

6 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I get the jury is still out regarding this particular character issue, but this justification jumped off the page to me.  If you two are just cuddle friends, do you normally have friends that lie to you?  I know I don't.  

You're here writing about him, so it would appear this friendship holds more value than you might be admitting to yourself.  Whether he's a lover or a friend, you seem to be becoming to get attached.  Being lied to will hurt either way.

Consider people in your life invited guests.  Be particular who you let in, especially to this degree.

Well of course I'm attached to him on some level.  Just not on a romantic level.  We've been friends for 5 years.  If he called me today and said, "Hey we can't do our thing anymore but let's still be friends." I would be fine with that. 

I'm not sure if what his roommate said about him being a liar is true because he's never lied to me, at least that I'm aware of. 

Ever since the woman I was going to marry ghosted me out of nowhere I don't trust anyone and I expect nothing from people. 

[reinventmyself]

1 minute ago, Cynder said:

 I don't trust anyone expect nothing from people

Well, that's definitely a self fulfilling prophecy.  How about rethinking that and expecting more?

[Batya33]

43 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Well, that's definitely a self fulfilling prophecy.  How about rethinking that and expecting more?

Yes and your ex is not and was not a stable person so generalizing to everyone doesn't make much sense IMO.

[Cynder]

6 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Well, that's definitely a self fulfilling prophecy.  How about rethinking that and expecting more?

I see it as more self preservation than anything else.  Any time I expect more I get disappointed.  The truth is most people suck and most people are miserable.  Truly loyal and honest people are a rare breed. 

I think expecting nothing is a step up from expecting the worst from everyone, which is what I used to do. 

[Cynder]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think that there are far more people who use the term open relationship or open marriage to justify cheating than a minimal amount. Never wrote all. The term and it’s loosely goosey overuse is ripe for people who are perfectly ethical and lovely and want to lie or lie to themselves and use “open” as a euphemism.  People who genuinely agree to an arrangement involving sex with more than one other person and who both feel comfortable with that are still a minority. And I bet far more people latch onto it for the wrong reason. Not necessarily unethical. Just sleight of hand. Like the silly euphemism FWB as if consensual casual sex needs to be elevated and dressed up with a fancy label. 
Sounds like your friends agree to their arrangement. Wasn’t commenting on them. I would stop having what you call “dates” with this person and not indulge in justifying it with generalizations like “everyone needs affection”. Not when your professional reputation is at stake. Good luck 

It's al a matter of experience.  You've probably met more people who used it to justify being a sleaze than the other way around.  I've met more people who didn't use it that way.  I know you didn't mean all people.  I just feel like there are probably people reading this who think all open relationships are just a euphemism for cheating.  And I felt like I had to say not everyone is like that.  People can also debate for ages about what defines cheating.  IMO, it's not cheating when you have permission.  Some people would say any time you step out on your partner, permission or not, it's still cheating. 

I agree with you about FWB, too.  Truth is a lot of FWBs aren't even friends and the benefits aren't that great in the long run. 

As far as my reputation being at stake.  That is where I'm conflicted about things.  Everyone in the festival scene knows who the trouble makers are.  My ex (the vendor I dated) is a known trouble maker.  This guy (my friend who this thread is about) isn't known for being a trouble maker.  As far as I know the only person he has ever had any issue with is my ex.  My ex called animal control on him last summer and told them he didn't have the right permits to have the skunk.  He does have them, so basically my ex wasted animal control's time.  My ex has also called the dog warden on vendors who brought their dogs to events.  He's just someone who likes to start trouble and he wonders why none of the vendors like him.  But anyway, part of me says I need to pay attention to what I've seen with my own eyes and not a text from a roommate I've never met before.  But, part of me says never trust anyone and his roommates probably know him better than anyone from the festival crowd because they live with him.  I'm trying to take the facts into consideration.  But I'm planning on not continuing this.  Because most people replying here are right.  It is a risk either way. 

I'm just hoping calling it off doesn't blow up in my face. 

[gamon]

On 9/2/2022 at 7:07 PM, Cynder said:

I'm not considering sex or a relationship with him.

Then why bother starting this thread in the first place?

He's just someone to hang out, go places with and occasionally cuddle with, that's what you said.

There's nothing to fix here.

He's just someone you hang out with. So go hang out.

 

 

[Cynder]

8 minutes ago, gamon said:

Then why bother starting this thread in the first place?

He's just someone to hang out, go places with and occasionally cuddle with, that's what you said.

There's nothing to fix here.

He's just someone you hang out with. So go hang out.

 

 

I started this thread because I was worried about the texts I saw where his roommate called him a pathological liar and told him needs professional help.  I'm obviously a terrible judge of character.  I just wanted some other people's thoughts. 

[gamon]

Thoughts about what? Who cares if he's a liar?

He's just a hangout buddy, nothing more.

Don't overthink.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, gamon said:

Thoughts about what? Who cares if he's a liar?

He's just a hangout buddy, nothing more.

Don't overthink.

But he is connected to her profession and career and therefore her professional reputation.  

[reinventmyself]

You can justify reasons to not trust and blame others.  But we need to remember, we are as healthy as the company we keep.

Choose wisely.