ENRAGED! IS IT WORTH LEAVING OR FIXING? AND HOW?!?

[nickb]

so here goes, btw, i'm gay so remember that when reading this. changes the dynamics of things a bit. but please read, its a relationship either way.

 

just got off the phone with my bf of 2 years. long story short, he's at home for the summer, we drive every 2 weeks to see each other. every weekend he parties hard and i mean hard, like 8 drinks a nite, etc.

 

when partying i always ask him to call me no matter what he's doing. i give him a flexible time frame too...like instead of making him call me at 11 to talk i say call me from 10:45 to 12:15 to talk. that way he can call me whenever. so far, one weekend he got too drunk and passed out while i waited up the whole nite and couldn't sleep worrying about whether he got home okay.

 

he won't call me around his friends, because they'll want to know who he's talking to and he doesn't want to even mention my name or even say its a friend...just because he's afraid that one of them might remotely find out that he's gay.

 

long story short, i told him last night to call from 10:45 to 12:15...he called me at 12:30 last night, 15 minutes later than the timeframe i told him to call. he said he was packed in a car with 5 people and couldn't even text me because someone might ask him who he's talkin or textin and he doesn't want to tell them anything or lie to them. i'm not allowed to meet any of his friends, because he has this weird thing about thinkin he'll be found out or somethin. all my friends thought i was straight until i told them i was gay, so it's not like i'm femme or something.

 

another weird thing...he won't drink with me, he might have one alcoholic beverage or a glass of wine, but when he's with his friends, he unloads and gets drunk as can be with them. he says he can't get drunk around me...odd...yes!

 

he's unwilling to change any of those things. he WILL NOT answer his phone around his friends, always puts it on vibrate, because they'll ask who it is and he can't just say a friend...he feels like he has to tell them everything, under some obligation or something because they're his friends.

 

we've had trust issues in the past b/c of infidelity. we've been to counseling,etc. the problem i'm having is that i've never, in the 2 years we've been together seen him drunk, so i have no clue how he behaves, and i don't know any of the people he hangs out with, so it creates doubt and trust issues for me. i've talked to him about it and he tells me well nick, do what you want. as in, be with me or don't. i don't know what else to say, do what you want. then he'll say whatever.

 

i don't know what to do. i don't see how i can leave him...i've been with him for 2 years, and it seems like he's my entire life, and if he left, as bad as everything is, i'd feel like there's nothing in the world for me.

 

he graduates college in 1 year, i'm already out, working full time. i'm hoping maybe in a year, he'll be more mature, and see that the world isn't meant for you to walk all over people and you can't party all the time. then maybe he'll come out of the closet, because he won't be financially dependent on his parents. but then again, i could be waiting a year, hoping for everything and get nothing, but a year wasted.

 

he is my first true love, and i wanted him to be my last. its with him i've learned how happy it makes me to just hold someones hand and be completely content.

 

i've talked to him about all this that i'm writing and he just always says well i don't know, what do you want me to say.

 

any advice on anything i've posted?

[seroyla]

I hate to say it but I know 34 year olds who have been in the same type of situation for 14 years-- where one partner is open about the relationship and the other is still in the closet. Many times my friend often wonders whether he should salvage the relationship or not-- after 14 years of committment it's really hard to leave and he still hasn't and he's been hurt for many years of those 14 years.

 

It's up to you but overall I think it would be best for you to find someone that is as willing to be open about the relationship as you are-- someone who is as mature about the relationship as you are-- there are plenty out there.

 

If you feel your current partner is deliberately disrespecting you, then you have every right to leave the relationship-- doesn't matter if you've been committed to them for 4 weeks or 14 years.

 

Just my two cents...

[creamy]

I say get out before you're made a fool of. In this day and age there shouldn't be anyone in the closet. He's not ready and he may never be ready. He just might be one of those down low guys, the kinds that all man with his friends but when he's with his partner it's a different story. It's going to be a rollercoaster relationship and someone could get hurt.

 

I can't tell you what to do, but everybody deserves to be loved.......

 

Good luck with your decision

[brando]

nickb,

 

pull yourself together, it is just a relationship.. you will not die if you broke it off with him. First of all, it doesnt sound like you guys have any solid communication. Maybe he isnt ready to accept that he is gay, openly. He will probably lose all of his friends which is no big deal, but maybe important to him.

 

You staying up all night worrying is not his problem but yours. Maybe you should be going out as well when you two are not together.. this way you wont worry as much , and you will have fun.

 

What expectations do you have of him?? Sounds like their are more placed on him then he places on you.... is this true???

 

Back off and let him be, stop pushing so hard for him to call you. You know th situation and you need to accept it.