Bf wouldn't accept me talking to my ex who has cancer

[boltnrun]

You've done a lot of twisting yourself into a pretzel and making excuses and giving up people and things to try to keep him.

What has he done to try to keep you? What has he changed and/or given up?

BTW, continually breaking up then getting back together isn't a sign of "true love". It just means neither of you knows how to be single or how to power through feeling lonely.

[anon807968]

Update: I was weak and contacted him to try again. I missed him and I didn't want to start over and date again. I  thought I get him to compromise with minimal contact with my ex (i.e. only news of major changes in his health). If not, I would agree to end contact very soon. We never got to discussing that and we ”broke up” again in record time, within 2 hours.

When we met, he was pretty cold and it hurt that he moved on quickly. He went on a few dates and said he felt better by the second week already. He had little to say about our breakup, only that he felt better to not be arguing.

I wanted to discuss our last break up and the issues, but he didn't want to because he said he had enough of arguing. He told me many times how I was wrong and what I did was wrong, but when I simply questioned him or tried to correct a misunderstanding of his, he perceived that as arguing and rehashing our old problems to upset him. He shut down the conversation and told me to leave, and snidely said good luck as I left. I was angry at first but then was so sad how he treated me so coldly and disrespectfully.

I apologized and admitted my wrongdoings and what I could change, and he never did. I know how he treated me is not real love, and that he is incapable of truly loving someone else since he doesn't even love himself. He has quite a dysfunctional history of relationships, so it's odd how he thinks he knows what is best or important for a relationship.

I should have listened to everyone's posts, but now I won't have regrets and can put him completely behind me. I blocked him everywhere, including email. I now accept that it's better to be alone than to be with someone like him.

[Rose Mosse]

You're both very incompatible. Nothing was going to change that and you reaching out to your ex was only the straw the broke the camel's back. He may not have been in love with you. In the same way you think he's incapable of love and rigid, so are you. Both of you keep trying to change one another or believe that your stance is right. 

Find joy, peace, acceptance in being single for awhile. Date again when you're ready and find someone more compatible with your views or values. You don't have to change those things about yourself, only change the kinds of people you bring into your life.

And brush yourself off for contacting him. It's ok to stumble or need closure but let go as you say. 

[anon807968]

@Rose Mosse He said many times he loved me and didn't feel this way for years. I didn't think I loved him until last month. He was frustrated that I didn't reciprocate his feelings and was afraid I was stringing him along, and his insecurity caused many of our arguments.  Anyway, I felt his words didn't mean much because I didn't really see love through his actions.

I don't think I'm rigid and incapable of love like him.  I yielded to many of his boundaries and wishes. I would've stopped talking to my sick ex.  I put a lot more into the relationship than he did, because he's an emotionally high maintenance person and had a lot of issues in his life that I tried to help him out with.  But since I couldn't shut up and accept his baseless criticism of me, i.e. accept him exactly the way he is, I suppose I was trying to change him too.

[DancingFool]

10 minutes ago, anon807968 said:

I don't think I'm rigid and incapable of love like him.  I yielded to many of his boundaries and wishes. I would've stopped talking to my sick ex.  I put a lot more into the relationship than he did, because he's an emotionally high maintenance person and had a lot of issues in his life that I tried to help him out with. 

^I sincerely hope that you learn to never do this again. Healthy relationships are reciprocal and neither person gives up, takes on, tries to fix, change, etc, etc, etc.

Funny thing about this paragraph is that you described perfectly the exact type of personality and dynamic that assorted users, narcissist, sociopaths, and other assorted pathological people and abusers seek out very specifically - someone who is empathetic and wants to please and help to the point of giving up themselves and losing their own self and identity. You placed his needs above your own and when you dared ask for something, you were easy to shut down and guilt trip out of that because you have no sense of balance or boundaries.

OP you have got to develop healthier boundaries before you date again and a stronger sense of self. People are not fixer upper projects that you pour yourself into. Also, having issues or having been through whatever is never ever an excuse to abuse you or treat you badly. If he is not treating you well and meeting your needs - dump him. You should never have to teach an adult how to behave. Stick that on your fridge and read it daily until it really sinks in.