My Fiancee has been talking badly about my mother to my face

[Heid]

Me and my fiancee have been together for 3 years now, we have had our ups and downs but have always been able to get through things, but this is something we can't seem to agree on.

we just started living with my mother while I finish up school, he works as a fisherman on a boat abroad but comes home for a month every now and then.

I love my mom and have always been very close to her as she was a single mom for all my life, but we have of course had our ups and downs as well.

My fiancee will say things about her out of the blue every chance he gets, the final straw for me was last night when my mom was sleeping, he started vacuuming and I asked him to use a broom instead so that he wouldn't wake her up with the noise, he said in a very petty tone "it's not like she respects me when I'm trying to sleep in th morning" (i know this isn't that bad, but I had just had enough), I said to him that she should't have to whisper in her own home at 10 am (he is often asleep then). I told him that I'm so over him making these petty comments towards my mom, and he freaked out. This is not an isolated incident he keeps saying things like this towards my mom, and I just bite my tongue most of the time.

I feel like I shouldn't be hearing this said about my mother from my soon to be husband, I wish he would respect me and my relationship with her, and either bring his concerns up with her or just not say anything at all as I wouldn't do any good anyway. I said all this to him and he just doesn't agree with me and it's become a problem now.

Am I overreacting? am I being too sensitive about my mother? what can I do or say?

[smackie9]

Why are you living with your mother? Fishermen make pretty good coin.

[DarkCh0c0]

59 minutes ago, Heid said:

My fiancee will say things about her out of the blue every chance he gets,

Like what?

How does your mom treat him?

Was he like that when you guys didn't live at your mom's place?

And, why don't you guys get your own place?

[smackie9]

I think he's resentful because your actions/behavior to him, seems like you care way more for your mother than him. Just wait til you have babies...it's only going to get worse. When there are "ups and downs" those bumps in the road get bigger over time.

[Heid]

 

12 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Why are you living with your mother? Fishermen make pretty good coin.

That wasn't the dilemma i had, we live with her because i'm going to school in the country she lives in, and we are moving back to the country we originally lived in when i'm done with school. 

[smackie9]

So why not get your own place anyways? He wants privacy when he gets home.

I wouldn't like it either...I like my space and my privacy. There's noway I could live with an in law, and feel comfortable about it.

[Heid]

13 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Like what?

How does your mom treat him?

Was he like that when you guys didn't live at your mom's place?

And, why don't you guys get your own place?

Just things that don´t matter, it has happened so many time that its hard to remember all he has said.

She treats him well and does nothing to warrant any of what is said 

we lived in another country before we moved in with her and he had never met her.¨

We live with my mother because he´s working most months out of the year and i´m going to school in the same city as my move lives.

[smackie9]

I say get a temp hotel room type place when he gets in from fishing. He goes back out, you go back with your mom.

[Kwothe28]

Its not really respectful, no. Considering he lives at her home and that otherwise he would have to probably pay rent somewhere for few months he is there.

However, you need to know that living with inlaws is usually a recipe for disaster. Its two generations of people that are different. You have your own problems with her, he probably has his. But its your mother so you tolerate it or are even somewhat defensive toward her. For him its different. He works so he would probably like to sleep to 10am without somebody making noise, probably would even like to relax, walk naked(just a dubious example), even to vaccum at night. I know very few examples were living with inlaws didnt result in absolute disaster for the couple. Constant medling, you cant do stuff your own way, arguments etc. Its bad enough for two people alone, let alone if you include inlaws there. Which does beg the question why not just rent something in meantime for the sake of the piece. Like this, if you are forced to be there because finance or circumstances, tell him to endure while he is there and you dont move out. But again, I think the best solution would be to just move out to some flat where you could live alone. 

[Heid]

14 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I think he's resentful because your actions/behavior to him, seems like you care way more for your mother than him. Just wait til you have babies...it's only going to get worse. When there are "ups and downs" those bumps in the road get bigger over time.

 

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

So why not get your own place anyways? He wants privacy when he gets home.

We made the the choice together to move in with her, it is not me that is forcing him to stay here, we both feel it is best.

What actions? i do nothing but love him. i Do not care more about my mother more than him, but she is still my mother and has done nothing but be kind enough to welcome us into her house. Ups and downs come with every relationship.. It's nothing that hasn't been worked out. I just want him to respect the relationship i have with my mother instead of make these petty comments to my face about her

[DarkCh0c0]

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

So why not get your own place anyways? He wants privacy when he gets home.

I wouldn't like it either...I like my space and my privacy. There's noway I could live with an in law, and feel comfortable about it.

Okay. Then I fully agree with Smackie.

He must be resentful of living like this. Can't you rent an apartment for you guys? A one bedroom?

Living with in-laws would also make me cranky and want to run away every time I see them. And, it's okay if he doesn't get asking with her. He doesn't have to. You're the women he's with.

Are there other concerns in the relationship? Or* is this a deal breaker for you? If it is, then don't feel guilty.

[Heid]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I say get a temp hotel room type place when he gets in from fishing. He goes back out, you go back with your mom.

Im sorry but this is not the problem, we are young and are saving up to buy our own house, we don't want to rent, he is very comfortable here and has never complained..

[smackie9]

Look we are outside looking in trying to give you some perspective that you may not see.

OK so have you put your foot down and told him to zip it?

[smackie9]

2 minutes ago, Heid said:

Im sorry but this is not the problem, we are young and are saving up to buy our own house, we don't want to rent, he is very comfortable here and has never complained..

His snide remarks about your mother says other wise. My advice is to rent for the month he is back, not for the whole duration of your stay there.

[smackie9]

IMO if he doesn't stop, doesn't care to stop, that is the person you are marrying. You are stuck with him and his attitude.

[DarkCh0c0]

@smackie9 Correct. He isn't comfortable.

I think OP broke up with him.

[Heid]

1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@smackie9 Correct. He isn't comfortable.

I think OP broke up with him.

Im sorry? what do you mean?

 

[DarkCh0c0]

@Heid when you said you were over him making these comments, did you break up with him or have you just been silent since then?

[Heid]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

His snide remarks about your mother says other wise. My advice is to rent for the month he is back, not for the whole duration of your stay there.

I talked to him about getting a hotel or an apartment while he is here, and he doesn't want that. Do i just let him vent to my face, i have never seen anything my mother has done to warrant what he says.

[Heid]

1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Heid when you said you were over him making these comments, did you break up with him or have you just been silent since then?

Oh, yeah i just meant it affects me a lot when i hear him say these things about her, she is the only family i have and i would love for him at least to respect that. I did not break up with him, and im not planning to, i love him very much. And yes he has been really quiet, i told him everything i had to say and he's just very stubborn and doesn't back down. He wouldn't even apologise for calling me an idiot last night..

[smackie9]

5 minutes ago, Heid said:

I talked to him about getting a hotel or an apartment while he is here, and he doesn't want that. Do i just let him vent to my face, i have never seen anything my mother has done to warrant what he says.

have you ever asked why? and ask what his solution would be?

[smackie9]

2 minutes ago, Heid said:

Oh, yeah i just meant it affects me a lot when i hear him say these things about her, she is the only family i have and i would love for him at least to respect that. I did not break up with him, and im not planning to, i love him very much. And yes he has been really quiet, i told him everything i had to say and he's just very stubborn and doesn't back down. He wouldn't even apologise for calling me an idiot last night..

And this is the type of partner you want to spend the rest of your life with?

[Heid]

Just now, Heid said:

Oh, yeah i just meant it affects me a lot when i hear him say these things about her, she is the only family i have and i would love for him at least to respect that. I did not break up with him, and im not planning to, i love him very much. And yes he has been really quiet, i told him everything i had to say and he's just very stubborn and doesn't back down. He wouldn't even apologise for calling me an idiot last night..

And i would like to say also that i was very respectful in the way i talked to him about this, i simply said to him that it affected me when he said these things.

And i'm sorry for not giving more examples, these things kinda just blend together in my head, but this happens a lot

[DarkCh0c0]

3 minutes ago, Heid said:

He wouldn't even apologise for calling me an idiot last night..

What! How dare he?!

How can you accept this? His disrespect to you is unacceptable. It's not just towards your mom.

[Heid]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

have you ever asked why? and ask what his solution would be?

Yes, but he just says that he doesn't have anything against her, and there is never a solution from him. I asked him to talk to her about things if he had something that was really bothering him