No contact.....Stubborness or time to grow? Let's Discuss!!

[Boulder]

My ex-girlfriend and I have been broken up now for 2 months and we have been in no contact for about 6 weeks. I love her more than any girl that I have ever loved before and not calling or emailing her has been very difficult. We live in a big city, but in the past couple of weeks I have run into her 3 times. 2 of the times, she was on dates, with a different guy each time. Everytime, I ignored her and avoided the situation which maintained the no contact. I guess she ws doing what I wanted for her, but it was still hard to see her. I will not get into the specifics of the break up, because I don't want to be a poster that bores the forum with every detail of my relationship. However, we had a good relationship, chemistry, sex-life was great, same interests, etc. We started having issues and tensions that were caused by external factors....such as we were both switching careers, most of her good friends had moved from the city, etc. Basically, we both needed to grow as individuals before we could could share our lives with someone else.

 

I initiated no contact in order to have breathing room, give her time to grow and spread her wings, and for both of us to assess the situation, but at this point I am afraid that I am going to lose her forever. Do you guys believe that no contact is a time to see whether or not 2 people are meant to be together. I am usually a pretty strong person, but right now I feel helpless and think that breaking no contact would be more harmful then sticking with the natural course of whats meant to be will be. The way I feel it could be harmful is that at this point does she think that I have no more interest, does it make me look weak, or on the other hand do girls percieve no cotact as a sign of strength? I miss her more than anything. If I was giving the advice, I would say stick with no contact, but who says my way is the right way? I would like to hear other stories and other views of post break up and love. Am I being stubborn or am I doing the right thing??

[WebChick]

I think if the breakup was amicable, and done for the better of the relationship, then it is a good thing to give each other breathing room to grow. The bad thing about this however is when you do this "break" you have NO control or say in how the other person decides to spend their time "growing"...which COULD include other people, and dating. You can't have it both ways....

Doing No Contact is generally something someone does in order to heal from a breakup in order to get OVER someone. If this is your intention, then by all means maintain NC. If your intent is to m,ake this relationship stronger, you might want to consider more intermittent commmunication...to keep that "door" open.

Hope that makes sense.

[Falucchi]

I really don't understand how NO CONTACT is a way of communicating and resolving problems and issues.

To me, it sounds more like ignoring things until you miss the other person, then feeling grateful they spoke to you again.

But what gets resolved?

What gets communicated?

What gets understood, worked out and brings a bond?

 

In your case- if she's out dating other guys, and you and she call your realtionship "broken up" for 2 months-- what more is there left to say?

 

Also, if you say we both needed to grow as individuals before we could could share our lives with someone else-- um.... looks like she's already dating, and considering sharing her life with someone else... it just isn't you.

 

You wrote, Do you guys believe that no contact is a time to see whether or not 2 people are meant to be together. No I see it as telling the person to get lost, leave me alone and get a life. If you're "meant to be together" wouldn't you BE together, dating each other (not other people) planning your future, and contacting each other?

 

The words "broken up" and "no contact" mean exactly that. Sorry.

Doing the right thing would be accepting it.

take care.

[temperamental_taurus]

I agree with WebChick... if you need to move on and get over an exhausted relationship then try to remain in NC for as long as possible... (that's harder for some than others ) BUT if you want to make it work, you miss her and want to continue a relationship with her in the future then keep the lines of communication open - if you don't it could be taken as stubborness and that's exasperating!!!

[heloladies21]

It depends who dumped who. Dumper always has to oppertunity to try and win the ex back. If she dumped you, give her time to explore what's out there. If she doesn't like what she sees, she'll get a hold of you. But don't make it easy for her to get you back, if that's even what you decide if that situation even comes up.

 

In the meantime, work on talkin to chicks yourself. Nothing serious, but it will help you cool out.

[mjayne]

Speaking as a dumpee,

 

I think NC is great, whether it with a view to getting back together or not. It suddenly give you the feeling of having control. This is especially good for a dumpee because a dumpee probably didn't have a say in whether they wanted to break up or not.

 

In my case I've come to the conclusion that there has been too much damage done (BF cheated on me) and even if he wanted to get back together I couldn't. I think I would be letting my self done in the worst way possible. Its all about being able to take pride in yourself again and knowing what you deserve.

 

NC give you a chance to refocus and the things you want and for the first in probably a long time, you start imagining your life with out that person and I think most will find themselves being in new exciting situations that they would have been in if they were still with their ex.

 

Of course irts great to have your ex (the dumper) grovelling and asking to get back together, but its and even better feeling when you are the one that can say thanks, but no thanks. It makes you feel much stonger and each day eventually become easier and eventually you move on. You don't necessarily forget, but you learn. I'm learning a lot at the moment

8)

 

Also, when you are trying to get your mind around everything that has happened, the constant conversation with an ex can often cloud your judgement. It can pull you back and make things worse so sometimes even if its hard you have to tell to back off in order to maintain NC.

 

Its a very powerful tool.