Wise Words For The Wounded

[butterflycloud]

One of the most important of life's lessons is to learn independence, to understand freedom. This means independence from attachments, from results, from opinions, and from expectations. Breaking attachments leads to freedom, but breaking attachments does not mean abandoning a loving and meaningful relationship, a relationship that nourishes your soul. It means ending dependency on any person or thing. Love is never a dependency.

 

Love is an absolute, unconditional and timeless state that asks for nothing in return.

 

Since it is important to love and honor yourself, you should not remain in a destructive relationship, even if you feel that you love the other person. The connection with that person might not work because of your partner's problems, lack of understanding, or exercise of free will, but it is important to remember that love is timeless. You will have many more chances to get it right.

[butterflycloud]

these words helped me a lot- I hope they can help you too in the long hard road to realising that the person that you were with was wrong for you and that you have to let go of those attchements and let them go....

[nix]

Wow! How did you manage to find such wisdom...I relate/understand and agree totally with what you say. My relationship was like that and now I am alone I see it but it's still so hard to let go.

 

Thank you for your words.

[butterflycloud]

Sorry- Those are not my words...They come from a book called messages from the masters.

 

I too am struggling to let go...to the extent that I am fooling myself into thinking that it can be fixed and we can be together again. The only real reason that I am doing it is because I dont know how to let him go - I guess I am foolishly trying to aviod the inevatible truth!!

 

Subconsciously I think that I am still holding on because I fear him finding someone else so much! So I figure that If I can fix things then he wont be with anyone else- Crazy I know.He just broke me down sooo much that I feel that I cant be without him and that no one will ever love me again.

 

I know I sound like a psycho but Im not- just hurt, confused and feeling rejected. Ive got a lot to sort out!I need to find myself again!!

[nix]

If you are a psycho then I must be too. I am feeling exactly as you are so dont beat yourself up about it just go with it and be strong...i'm trying too!

[butterflycloud]

how long have you been apartfor?

 

I was married for four years, together for 7 years and Ive been divorced for 2 months.

 

The problem is that I out soooo much effort into the relationship - I gues that is what makes giving it up so hard. I still love the ex too.

 

We got divorced because we fought too much- mainly about our son- my husband was so verbally abusive!

[nix]

We were together 4.5 years and broke up in Dec last year. I moved out end of Feb and havent seen or heard from him since. We broke up because he has a tonne of issues that he needs to deal with...our relationship was good apart from his psychotic tendencies!!!

 

I also gave alot to our relationship, I moved city to be with him changed jobs, friends and gave up financial security...now i'm suffering for all of that and he doesnt care...or it seems like that.

 

I still love my ex deeply and i still want him back but in time that will fade I hope. It really is a shame that relationships that were so good have to end like this but it happens all to often and unfortunately we have to deal with it.

 

I know what you mean about giving up but really you arent because if you think about it there is nothing to give up on. If he wants you then he has to decide that on his own if not then its his loss!!

 

I feel for you and understand your dispare but there is nothing we can do about this sort of situation apart from try to be strong and just get on with making your own life as happy as it can be. In time we will get over them and find someone who deserves us.

[butterflycloud]

Thanks for your wise words..

 

I know that I deserve better! My mom has always said that I was pearls cast before a swine- a bit harsh but maybe there is a bit of truth in it.

 

I hope you find happiness!!!speak to you tomorrow!!

[temperamental_taurus]

Good morning =) I am also in the same situation... I've enforced NC for oh... 5 days now. To recap, we were together for a year, he was an alcoholic, emotionally abusive, I moved out, tried to keep the relationship going at that point only to be frustrated on a daily basis by his immaturity and lack of effort. So, I ended it and told him not to contact me again.

 

Does the death of this relationship hurt? Yes and no. I loved him, still do probably, I'm not sure because my feelings are mixed at this point. I truly believe I did everything I could to keep us together... I forgave, pleaded, compromised, changed and repeated that cycle over and over again until there was nothing left that I could say or do. Sad part is, I never got a honest effort out of him. Come to think of it, I don't think I got ANY effort out of him... why is that?

 

I'm starting to think that maybe it was because he KNEW he was sick, he KNEW he had a serious problem that was out of his control and perhaps it was just all too much. He probably knew I'd never stay with him like that, but didn't want to face his addiction, so it was easier to watch us waste away into nothing...

 

I am still having a few passing moments where I feel the need to check in on him... make sure he's doing ok, because I have worried about him for so long, but I guess what's the point? If he doesn't care enough about himself, why should I? His own family has given up on trying to help him. I just wish I could snap my fingers and make everything different, so that we could be together - but then the rational part of me says hey!!! what are you thinking? the man is so broken that no amount of crazy glue is going to fix him... and then I resign myself to the fact that a relationship between the two of us would eventually ruin my life.

 

And I can't have that.

 

So, right now, I guess, I'm feeling pretty good... I'm not in any excrutiating emotional pain... that's not to say I'm not hurting... but I'm worried that may be only temporary. What if I wake up tomorrow, missing him so much that I can't stand it? I'm trying to be as tough as I can be with myself... Usually I'm pretty good at cutting my losses and moving on, but something about this is not allowing me to do that so easily.

 

Ack! I STILL find myself saying, well if he'd just quit drinking, go to AA and take his anti-depressants, he'd get better and then WE'D get better... but I guess that'll happen probably around the time that pigs learn to fly...

 

sigh... oh well, that's my little vent for the morning... it's just comforting to know that you guys are out there, dealing with the same thing as I am, having just as many questions and doubts as I'm having. It grounds me a bit, knowing that this is the way healing begins - and that everything I'm feeling is normal. Hugs to everyone...

[Hope75]

Sad part is, I never got a honest effort out of him. Come to think of it, I don't think I got ANY effort out of him... why is that?

 

Temp...

 

Alcoholics are a tricky lot. They are so wrapped up in thier dependancies, they can't even see who they are hurting around them. The person they hurt the most in themselves.

 

I lived with and was engaged to a severely depressed alcoholic/drug addict for 5 years, and I went through the same thing...

 

 

Ack! I STILL find myself saying, well if he'd just quit drinking, go to AA and take his anti-depressants, he'd get better and then WE'D get better... but I guess that'll happen probably around the time that pigs learn to fly...

 

This was my mantra for years. We as people who love someone with an addiction get that "savior complex" where we are so certain that if they can just get themselves under control with our stable help and support they will see how wonderful we are and be so thankful to us for bringing them back.

 

Yeah..... not gonna happen.

 

You were right to let this man go. He will only get help when he wants it for himself, not for you or anyone else. It's a hard truth that took me years to figure out, but it sounds like you were a little quicker.

[temperamental_taurus]

Thanks, Hope, for your words of encouragement. So, where is your ex-fiance now? Is he still drinking? Did he ever take responsibility for hurting you? Has he ever apologized?

 

I guess that's what I want from him. An apology. Although the likelyhood of ever getting that is small.

 

Looking back over the past year and everything that has transpired, I can honestly say he has NEVER once sincerely apologized... never on his own come out and said, hey I'm really sorry for my behavior - I'm sorry I hurt you, or I realize this whole thing must be tough for you to handle. There has only been blame... that I'M the reason he drinks... just this short amount of time apart has made me realize that I wasn't the bad person. I tried to support him, I tried to educate him, I tried to love him. He even made me feel guilty for eventually moving out, claiming if I truly loved him, I would have never left him.

 

I'm just wondering if he will ever realize the value of what he's lost, if he'll ever understand what he's done to the people who have loved him in his life? Do any of them feel any remorse??? Are they even capable of that?

 

*sigh*

[Hope75]

He even made me feel guilty for eventually moving out, claiming if I truly loved him, I would have never left him.

 

I'm just wondering if he will ever realize the value of what he's lost, if he'll ever understand what he's done to the people who have loved him in his life? Do any of them feel any remorse??? Are they even capable of that?

 

 

My ex pulled that same emotional blackmail on me. Shame on them! I realized that by not giving up on him, I was giving up on myself.

 

I now live about an hour away from the town where I lived with him, and I do hear from old friends that he has gotten married, had a baby, and is still drinking. He has beaten his wife numerous times, and his friends at one point called an intervention to stop it. He hasn't stopped, and I left him 7 years ago after dealing with it for 5 years.

 

About a year after we split he sent me an email apologizing for everything he put me and my family through. At the time he was in AA and trying to get clean, and part of the program I guess is to apologize to those you hurt while you were drinking. I accepted his apology, I needed to in order to move on and heal, and live my own life. I also forgave myself for letting myself be a victim for so long. Amazing how free I felt afterwards.

 

I wish you the best, I truly do. I think for a short time my ex felt remorse, but he is so sick and wrapped up in his addictions that he is uncapable now of thinking of anyone but himself. I suspect your ex may be the same.

 

I just thank God every day I did not marry him. To think, when I left he begged me to come back and have a baby with him. Could you imagine bringing a baby into that volitile household? I pity his child now.

 

It's truly sad.

[butterflycloud]

I think that it all comes down to want ting to change a person and having to accept that you cannot.

 

I think the reason that we wanted to hold onto these people is that we believe that through our love and dedication we can change them.

 

Reality is that you cannot change aperson and that it is unfair for you to expect thenm to change. We dont realise that people are taught things so solidly from childhood and for you to come along and try and change years of ingrained perceptions is impossible.

 

I think that you can only try to help someone to be a better person- you cant make them into another person.

 

I think that that is why a lot of marriages fail- because we marry people that dont have the same beliefs and values as us and we live in hope that when we marry them that we will be able to change them.

 

So perhaps we should really try to find people that are inherintly the same as us -emotional intelligence is very inportant, so is compassion and a generous spirit.

 

I have leart the hard way- I chose someone who believed in nothing that I did and vise a versa.

[Hope75]

I think that it all comes down to want ting to change a person and having to accept that you cannot.

 

I think the reason that we wanted to hold onto these people is that we believe that through our love and dedication we can change them.

 

so true butterflycloud, and it's hard lesson to learn. I really believed that with some sort of stable environment in our home with my love that he would be able to pull out of it and see he was worth more, but it never did happen. It's so self defeating and frustrating to go through it over and over and over.

 

But, as you say, we come out of it wiser and older and in a way more hopeful that, empowered with this new knowledge, we at least won't make the same mistake again.