Q) If your LTR ex begs for friendship and you say 'NO'

[law]

does it really hurt them and make them think hard about the choice they made?.

Does it make them feel rejected?

 

My ex girlfriend of 5 years left me very suddenly to date someone else a month and a half ago to someone she had only met twice for a drink.

Since then I have not contacted her but have replied to a few un-avoidable finance releated emails.

The relationship was friendly I was not too needy and gave her enough attention but we both were curious about the outside world so expected one of us to dump the other soon, but not to dump for another person.

Which is what I have a problem with.

 

Well anyway to the emails after the split, she also pushed me into meeting up with her a couple of weeks ago, I guess through curiosity, although I was very apprehensive about it and said no a few times I did show up.

 

She did not mention there was anyone else but asked me if there was anyone, she said she would like to meet up more and for me to call her and she wanted to hug and kiss me before I left the meeting, I said I did not miss her anymore and that friends is out of the question all for what she did to me in which she seems oblivious to any wrong doing or any trampled feelings.

 

My question is this, I have hidden the fact that I do have feelings for her as much as I dislike having them after all this. But can refusing friendship out of general principle for her actions have a simular effect to what dumping someone does.

 

Will she now share the feeling of rejection as I have not chased her only rejected friendship.

 

It has been a couple of weeks now from the meeting with her where she bought me lunch and I have not heard anything since.

 

Has anyone out there had there had their friendship rejected, what does it feel like if you brought in on yourself for your actions.

Or maybe you have rejected friendship and found a short time later your ex starts to call and plead forgivness.

 

She almost begged me to contact her and I have almost be tempted but I feel it will be wrong and it will be rewarding her, as she was in the wrong and hurt me terribly and and I should march forward as she will gain the power if I call and continue friendship.

 

What could she be now thinking? Has she been sitting by the phone? could this be the end of her? should I make an excuse for an email, which would be easy so that I am in her mind or should I just leave it and move on? have I set myself up as unobtainable thereforeeee now a challenge?

[freedom]

I am no expert at this, but think about what you are saying, what you are saying is that you are debating whether to punish her or not. What you should be doing is some self healing, licking your wound and not think about ways to make her feel bad or good. If you think you need more time to get over this feeling and keep the friendship on the side basically tell her that you need time to heal, that you will contact her when you are feeling better and for her to respect your space. or if yo think the relationship/friendship is not worth it then end it. (but remember, good friends are hard to find). Anyway, at this point of time you should eb thinking about healing your self.

Btw: trying to make her feel bad doesn't work. It just make you feel worst!

[law]

>>(but remember, good friends are hard to find)

But I have hundreds apon hundreds of friends, so her friendship for what she has done is not the greatest loss, the good memories which I have been forced to choose to forget about are a very big loss, she f**ed up its plain and simple.

The truth is, I don't want and need her friendship, we were at the time very good friends and got on very well but I ain't up to being her good little friend to talk to whilst she is seeing another.

She can't have it both ways. It is the way I was tossed to the side like a piece of rubbish so easily that got me. So yes I would like her to feel part of my pain and loss.

If I explain to her my feelings it will help her know that she made the right descision as it is a pressure on her and this is the only reason she has been bouncing back, because I showed no regret.

[at750gr]

In my opinion, such a friendship will not work. Friends don't hurt each other. Of all my past relationships, I am friends only with one woman that I was friends with in the first place, as there was never a 'love' element between us.

 

My last 'ex' said (just after she started seeing someone else) that she hoped that "in time we could build a friendship out of the ashes" because she didn't want to lose the closeness we had; then she cut contact. (I just put the whole story in another post). Now, to me that's just ridiculous. If you want the closeness, you don't go on hurting the other person in every possible way and still count on their feelings.

 

Friends can be lovers; lovers cannot be friends.

[law]

Well I have just gone and done it, I have just broke NC, and emailed her innocently regarding her mail thats gathering at home, and I was polite and none emotional.

 

She has offered to give me her new home address when she moves to it for some reason, but I have thought, she knows my stance and my position on how the relationship ended up, and I can be friendly to show I have no bitterness as I am fine now with out her, and with the friendship thing, well I mean I don't have to call her hang out with her and share personal information about me which is what she would like, I am not going to give it to her I will become a mystery and disappear in to the city, but I have decided not to tell her I am not going to give friendship to her like I did previously, keep them guessing, thats what I will do, keep them all guessing, the whole freaken lot of 'em.

 

I will just leave it all uncomftably open for her and now its time to get on with my life and get the girls chasing, if she wants a piece then she will have to join the que.

[Day_Walker]

By telling her that you dont want to be friends with her is a power move, its something thats not expected, all this means is that it will throw them off balance. If your motive is to make her feel as you felt when she broke up with you, it will not have that desired effect. When you tell her that you arent going to be friends with her it is going to mean that she will most likely contact you, most likely for some stupid reason. If your goal is to get back together with her then you need to adopt a new strategy. If you dont have the self control to stick to your strategy then you are going to fail.

[quing]

What strategy would you use Day_Walker?if you cut them out of your life completely is that not playing too hard to get?

[law]

>>If you dont have the self control to stick to your strategy then you are going to fail

 

This what concerns me about myself, like am I pushing it to far, or not enough, I mean is emailing for her to much I mean I will not be friends as I said, the only time I will have for her is if she is begging, which she was but for me to call her, but I need a big damn sorry I f**ked up.

 

I am hoping so far the last week and a half has been a real warning shot with a week and half of uncertainty and making her think if i will be in touch ever again, and now that I am 'just' its her time to hold on.

Now I cannot keep doing this and she knows from my previous long term relationships that I do let go and move on.

 

OK now I have already pretty much covered this in a previous post but I did not feel I elaberated on certain points and what I think is going on in side my head and my motives so here it is again.

 

Now the 3 week NC at the end of the relationship really did work as it drawed my ex in with her curiosity and it gave me the opportunity to reject her twice and turn up 10 minutes late to meet her for lunch over the so called subject of finances but on my terms so when she asked me questions I could say what I liked and it was great to feel in control and reject her affections.

 

Since saying I will not be friends with her after the meeting a week and a half ago I felt I did either the right or maybe wrong thing, I feel better for it now as it feel like I have thrown the ball back into her court, basically I broke NC just to remind her about me.

It was a genuine looking reason I had to email her for, I was not going to email but I felt after a while I look bitter, so I sent just an short polite email saying there is is some important looking mail of hers that needs collecting and that the rest of her belongings are ready for when she is ready to collect.

That was it, it amazing how it gets this pathetic after a relationship to anylize something as tiny as an email.

 

I got a very damn quick reply saying great she will collect it all at the week end and then told me about a new place she is moving into and that she will give me the details of it when she is there next month?????

 

Now I did not or never have asked for details of her new address and I thought this as a reply to a guy who has said he don't want to be friends was kind of weird or pretty irrelevent to my email.

 

Anyway I just then replied thats really good to hear and I am happy that she has found somewhere large enough for her to settle into.

 

Now, I don't know what my motive is maybe just the power, I know I can't chase (althoughI suppose I am in the smallest way possible) and I don't feel like I could ever take her back, but there is a certain magnetism there even after everything that has happened.

 

I have sought of used my own reverse psychology mixed in with things I have read like below.

And in the beginning when she announced it was over I did not plead or beg I just agreed that it was the best thing for us and I wished her well for her and her date, which look like it did throw her.

 

Here is some little notes I have read:

 

This rule only applies once a certain level of appreciaiton has been attained. The need to withdraw only comes AFTER you have established your presense (5 whole years of it)

 

Now I have been reading that by withdrawing something from the market, you create instant value. and the moment you allow yourself to be treated like anyone else, it is too late--you are swallowed and digested. (happened to me)

 

To prevent this you need to starve the other person of your presense. Force their respect by threatening them with the possibilty that they will lose you for good; (I don't play friends) create a pattern of presense and absense. (my quick email)

 

By begging them to comeback, or giving us another chance, or asking them why they don't love you anymore etc;. You are only giving her MORE satisfaction, when what you should have said from the outset when she first brought up breaking up is, "That's a relief. I thought I was the only one feeling this way and I didn't want to hurt you. Thanks for making this easy on me!" (Glad I did not beg and I said something on the same lines)

 

Now plan is to get some women and geniunly enjoy myself which I originally wanted before she dumped me for a date.

[freedom]

Get a f@#king life. MY GOD! what is it with these games people play? you need me more, i need you more crap! get up move on with your life. It just show that you havent the maturity to move on. Probably the best way of "getting" back at someone is showing that you can move on without them, to fill the void within yourself and you dont really need to have their presense in your life.

By playing these games, you just cant move on.

[quing]

Calm down freedom.

[law]

Yes sure freedom it is as black and white as that isn't it?

It has nothing to do with maturity, it is all to do with the complexities of human emotions. It is thereforeeee an immaturity in human emotional development to not understand and appreciate this.

[Liquidius]

To be honest, I do sort of agree with what freedom has said.

 

You shouldnt play games with other people, no matter how much they have upset you. Reject them, or accept them as a friend. If you want to move on, do it, and if you dont want to be friends then dont.

 

It isnt an immaturity in human emotional development to not understand, because from what i see, freedom did understand, but simply didnt agree.

 

I feel you are thinking about this far too much, and from my point of view, the situation between two people after a relationship can go three ways. Either they hate eachother, are friends, or ignore eachother for a long period of time and then get back together.

 

I'm not really sure what you hope to gain from playing these games, but to me it sounds like you dont want her friendship. thereforeeee, these games are hurtful and pointless. Just because someone hurt you, it doesnt mean you have to step down to their level and hurt them back.

[freedom]

ok, let see shall we. It is matured to hurt someone that has hurt you? the only thing that we can control is ourselves. We know when we are hurt and we can do things for ourselves to make ourselves grow beyond where we are.

By getting revenge on someone we get a feeling of control, we feel that we can contol them, but what happens if they don't comply with what we want, we will feel like sh1t and you will realise you haven't grown.

Put it simply, the effort we put into playing these games can be used better to make ourselves grow. stop wasting your brain functions thinking of crap up and use it to make yourself grow.

And about the complex human emotion, the thing that make us different from animals is that we humans are able to control ourselves. It is a choice that we can make. Revenge or Grow. It isnt a black and white thing, you just have to realise what you are doing and make a conscious choice. If you choose to be immature about it then so be it. If you want to make someone feel bad because they hurt you then you arent going to grow. Simple.

[freedom]

In addition,

You say you still have feeling for her, those feeling are of care and love. You have been rejected from the person you love thereforeeee you feel hurt. Why would you possibly want to hurt the person you care for or love? Because they rejected you? that isnt a good reason. If you cant handle a friendship, you should move on without hurting the person you care for, coz, in the end you will regret it. Its like hitting the your mom coz she wont give you candy, and then regretting it later. The more your hurt her the more you will regret. The only difference is that you can walk away from this "relationship" and use your energy to lick the wounds and move on (GROW).

It take alot to actually still be friends with your ex, specially in your situation where she has left your relationship of 5 yrs and the way she did it. I would think that the wound inflicted would be deep and you really need to step away all together, reassess your position and maybe consider talking to her after a few LONG months if you still want to be friends. If the friendship is that important to you, remember its you and not her. You are now handling your situation for yourself and not for her, but it doesnt give you permission to go out and hurt her.

[law]

>>I would think that the wound inflicted would be deep and you really need to step away all together, reassess your position and maybe consider talking to her after a few LONG months if you still want to be friends. If the friendship is that important to you, remember its you and not her. You are now handling your situation for yourself and not for her, but it doesnt give you permission to go out and hurt her.

 

ok ok look we could be here all day discussing if it is mature or not to hurt someone back but personally as a defence thats how I work and always have done, but in this case I would not have felt so vengful if she had just left me alone, but no she had to come back and rub it all in my face.

In fact I was polite and grown up all the way through even when she came to tell me how she may be having sex with her date that evening??.

I even offered her two concert tickets for her and new date that we had previously bought for ourselves.

 

Why would she do this? it was a loving relationship, we did care about each other, I was not abusive, I was not a drip.

 

I tell you why, it was her uncertainty when I wished her well on her endevours even gave her and her new date to be my blessing instead of kissing her a*se and given her the satisfaction of me begging.

 

I was going about my business and picking up the pieces she had left me with and preparing to get on with my life.

I felt very let down and want more than anything for the bitterness and pain which I only show and share on these boards to go away.

 

I still love and care about her but I know it is wrong, it does not do me any justice but as a human being those feeling simply do not vanish over night as you make it sound.

 

I really felt if I got into the friends routine it woulddo me a lot more damage.

There is a possibilty I will be friends another day but then again i said that about all my other ex's which were long termers too.

 

It just don't happen, it is very sad and I am very disappointed if anything that it ended the way it did as I knew deep down that our friendship would be terminated but she could not and cannot believe anyone can be like that.

 

I will find love again, it will take time, but what I fear is having a to enter a relationship thinking in the back of my mind the woman could suddenly turn from a loving dedicated girlfriend laying flowers on your mothers grave to then having a bikini wax ready for a new date with some one they have met only once before all in a space of a week.

 

I don't want to be that person and I do not want any future relationships to suffer because of someone elses self-esteam issues and their quest for power and dominance over men.

So in a nutshell she has left me with something and now I have left her with something.

The value of friendship and how you do not betray people you care about.

[freedom]

Well, i understand about the friends routine. Very few people that i know can pull it off.

I do feel for you mate. She has left you with a huge emotional baguage. So what you are trying to say is that you wanted to teach her a lesson about the responsiblity of friend and relationship. Tell me, did she learn? If she didnt learn anything does that make you feel better? Really man, this sh1t that she has put you though is bad, really bad, don't let her f@#k your life up more by trying to play the game of hurt. Just try to move on. I know it isnt easy, in fact it is f@#king hard.

I am glad that you are looking forward, that you know that you find love again, most people will be afraid of putting trust in another person after what you have been through. I only advice that i can really give you is to find yourself again, center yourself and realise who you are, you are not at fault, and you are worth more then what she has given you credit for. If she cannot see that then it is her lost. Someone out there will see it and appreciate you for who you are.

I hope that i wasnt to harsh, this is a good place to vent coz no one takes it too personal and advice is free, whether good or not.

have a good day mate.

[law]

>>So what you are trying to say is that you wanted to teach her a lesson about the responsiblity of friend and relationship. Tell me, did she learn?

First of all I do know what you were originally trying to get at and I am sorry I snapped back.

Anyway yes, I don't know why, and I am pretty confident she is learning a very valuable lesson as she had a huge belief in her head that I would remain the same guy to her but minus the sex with her (she got above her station), now she can see that stabbing people in the back has consiquences not that I will personally reap the benefits.

 

But the only reason I can look forward and no that I am going to be alright again and happy is because I have been down a simular road before and trust does come back after time, but you just have to learn to watch your back but not let them get any impression or know that you are insecure about certain things.

From all my long term relationships I have just learned nothing lasts for ever and that people should also just enjoy the moment whilst it lasts, I hate being a cynic but I have never known life to be any different.

 

I have met up with exs in the past and they have explained their regret later wether I have dumped them or they dumped me, not that it does any good for me once again as I am well and truly over them at that point but I basically feel satisfied knowing that everytime they think of me, they feel the loss, yet at the moment I am the happiest guy on the planet.

 

For now though I just want this pain to subside and her to become a distant memory, thats what hurts, that I have been forced through no fault of my own to move that way.

 

The sad thing is like I explained to her in the beginning, If we had split up with no one waiting on the wings and we went our separate ways to see other people then I would have been happy to be there for her and give her hugs when she needed them and to remenise about the past, now she wants hugs and phone calls and I just can't bring myself do to how she tarnished everything.

 

So damn sad!

 

Anyway thanks for your advise, it all does make perfect sense when explained.

[freedom]

Yeah, it's a shame man, when people don't appreciate what is good for them. Why is it that NICE people get screwed over so often?

As chris rock would say, "I suppose that is how she was raised". Not being able to do the right things the right way.

But that being said, did you ever find out what you did wrong for her to run away? because self growth is knowing somethings from the other party, know what i mean?

Well you are not the only one about the pain thing, let me tell you that.

Anyway, Hope you feel better

[freedom]

Oh yeah, one more thing........

 

"WHAT A WASTE" of emotion,time,effort,etc etc

[law]

>>But that being said, did you ever find out what you did wrong for her to run away? because self growth is knowing somethings from the other party, know what i mean?

 

Yes, we were both bored but in love, in fact the biggest irony was I was considering dumping her as I was waking up feeling very empty most mornings and starting to imagine she was someone else, yet she was very beautiful. but familiarity breeds contempt.

 

I did not have the b*lls to end the relationship as I had done so with a previous ex once and spent a whole two years living in regret (she was a real Catherine Zeta Jone lookalike beauty but a real bi*ch) so yeah I was worried the same would happen here so I just held on untilthe wheels fell off the relationship, but.... it did not just end, there was a date I was being dumped for, aaaaahhhhhhh!

 

So yes it did have to end, but now with me being stabbed in the back from someone I trusted my life with, thats the bit that bites.

[freedom]

Ahhhhhhhhh, i see, she dumped(stabbed) before you were able to get the b@lls to do so. SUCK! big time.

[Liquidius]

GUYS! >.

 

Stop bloody arguing!

[freedom]

arguing? i dont think we were arguing, we just was exchanging pesonal points of view, and trying to understand the stand point. I really dont think we were arguing.. what say you law?

[law]

Yes I can't say that we are argueing, well maybe we got off to a little shaky start with freedoms uncompromising take 'no prisoners' style but when explained he does have a valid point and hey we are now both now talking and understanding where each other is coming from.

 

I know freedom you might say shut up but she (which I predicted), did not come to collect the rest of her stuff this weekend such as the important mail and remainder personal items .

 

And she still has stuff of mine to return, I know maybe she has been busy all weekend but hey she at the moment lives 10 minutes walk and this has been dragging on for over a month, and I still do not have the house key that she made such a huge point about once for dropping off, so I don't believe she will use it to get in the house but I do feel a little jumpy that she could turn up at any given moment.

You see these items are now our only final connection to each other, once she has returned my photos she accidently took with her and she collects the remainder of her belongings and then drops off the key there is nothing else accept meeting up in 9 months to finalise our joint financial status.

 

I suppose I should really just carry on regardless of her dragging her heals on all this and not even bother wondering or care what her motives really are as she was the one annonced it was over.

[freedom]

Hmmm sounds to me the last bit of the control game. Jezzzz i get so sick of these control games. You sound like you have your head on straight man, take you sword out and cut the line! she stabbed you with the dagger, use to sword to cut all ties. Live it up man, its hard but you sound like a solid guy. Stop the game. You'll be better off. You know i know it

 

I really don't understand why woman think that you have have a good friendship after a bad breakup? what is it with this friendship thing? Is it coz they can have you there "JUST in case". Break glass when needed? I know that i am just skipping shy of being sexist but you dont really hear many guys saying, " Hey, i am dumping you and going to another woman, but i want you to be my best friend" i mean what is it all about? It is the last bit of control thing that they get a kick out off? or is it cos they want the last sentence in the conversation as they can feel they had the last word?

 

Sorry Law, your situation, really has me a little fired up...