What she doesn't know won't hurt her...

[alpal]

Here goes...

I found a condom in my boyfriends pack after he returned from an overseas work trip.. (we don't use them)

After torturing myself about it for a week I finally decided that I couldn't just couldn't forget about it and I confronted him..

He took it badly and was pissed off that I was going through his stuff but I came accross it when I decided to do his laundry.

I asked him outright if he had ever slept with anyone since we had been together and he denied it.

Do you think you can tell if someone is lying to you?

He didn't have a good excuse for it being there only that he has heaps of crap and lives out of his bags and motels etc (due to his job) This is true and I don't think he's the type to mess around but I still have this nagging doubt...

My mother thinks I am ruining a good relationship because i'm comparing him to all the other bad guys I've dated in the past.

 

But is it possible that you could really love your partner of think that you could see a future with her but if a casual fling with someone you are never likely to see again presented itself would you turn it down?

I know men view sex very differently to women.

We have been together for nine months and its a great relationship with only a few pitfalls that are just the normal part of getting to know someone.

my question is

....if you are still deciding on your girlfriend and your commitment to her ...is it ok in the early stages to be unfaithful or to put it another way play the field??

I'm very old fashioned like this and I don't share the love.

I still have big trust issues of my own to deal with but fear that by showing my true feelings like this is actually going to have the reverse effect and he may be innocent now but next time he could think buggar it... she thinks i'm doing it anyway..?

I felt like I'm in a catch 22 situation.

I'm desperately trying to break the cycle and change my suspicious mind but its real hard when you've been let down so many times in the past.

Help me out guys...I'm not recognising my own behaviour and have never been a jealous or possessive person in the past.

Am i paranoid, he tells me I need to chill or should i be listening to my nagging doubts?

tips on healthy relationships much appreciated!

[MetallicAguy]

He's cheating pretty obvious. Usually you can tell someone is lying depending on eye contacts, pace of voice like really fast, nervousness, playing with something in their hands to distract themselves like a pencil or koosh ball or something.

[melrich]

So your basic question is twofold,

 

If you were in a relationship and the opportunity came up for no strings attached sex with someone else would you go for it? Some guys would, some guys wouldn't.

 

Is it Ok to have sex with other people whilst you are still trying to decide if your partner is right for you? No I think most people would say it is not.

 

Maybe the condom had just been there in his bag for a long time? I know I have all sorts of old stuff in the pockets of my travelling bags.

[Ms Omaniac]

alpal....my god my paranoia would be to the roof also. first...i never fully trust anyone because i believe you never ever REALLLLY know someone. and then i'd think...if it was me and i wouldnt have a condom unless i planned to have sex with someone. i also know though a relationship will not work if you can trust the person and that if you keep questioning their actions...they will eventually get tired and leave you.

 

personally...i'd give my bf the benefit of the doubt but be on the lookout for anything suspicious. i know that sounds awful and many might disagree me on this but im being honest.

 

i have a lot of friends that are guys...and some that i wouldnt even suspect are complete dogs. one dear friend of mine has a great, beautiful, sweet, smart gf. any man would be lucky to have her. he even knows he loves her. but whenever he goes out of town...he cheats on her. he says it's because men have this strong urge to procreate and to have the thrill of the hunt. now i know a lot of guys are NOT like this...but ever since he's told me this...ive often wondered who else thinks like this. he insists casual sex has nothing to do with love. now i know i dont love like that.

 

- ivy

[ForAnother]

Oof, I don't know Omaniac... just letting the doubt sit there... thats a tough one.

 

I think I would choose. I would say stay in the relationship and doubt it, try and believe its not. Or ask him the truth... by asking him the truth (saying you found the condom) this could lead into a "Yes I did it" which is essentially the end, because your doubt will always remain... if "no" then you will forever assume.

 

I would say doing what Omaniac says is prolly the best thing for about a month... if things start bothering you continuously, then I would push the button on the relationship... I don't think i could live with that. (I think he cheated on you).

 

ps. I did, randomly, masturbate with a condom recently. I guess I was curious... less mess (kind of lol)

 

ForAnother

[taarna]

He cheated.

 

And he acted mad that you snooped, he cheated.

 

And NO it is NOT OK for someone to sleep with someone else while they are "deciding".

 

Are you living together? If so, that in itself is a committment to be monogamous.

 

If you worried about another bad guy, you've found him. Get rid of him. You only have 9 months wasted in it, get out before you are in too deep.

 

He cheated.

 

 

[RayKay]

In my experiences, when something gets very defensive and starts trying to turn blame around on you (ie for snooping) or has plainly ridiculous excuses rather than just saying "No, I have not cheated" and their are condoms in their bag that were not there before, and that YOU don't use - chances are there is some cheating, or at least hope of cheating, going on.

 

No, it is NOT okay to "shop around" on your girlfriend if you have an agreement of being exclusive and committed to one another (ie. not just dating anymore!). How does that help you decide in the least bit? Cheating is cheating plain and simple, and there are too many men out there who would NOT be unfaithful to stay with someone who would be! They would turn down no-commitment sex if they were committed to someone. You deserve someone 100% faithful sweetie.

 

Our instinct is often finely tuned, though we often ignore it. If your gut is telling you something is very fishy here, chances are great it is. You should know him well enough by now to know if he is lying through his teeth. If everything still tells you he is not being honest it's time to walk sweetie, don't get sucked into an unhealthy relationship full of dishonesty, unfaithfulness and pain.