He's blaming ME? for his infidelity?!

[moonunit]

Okay folks my story is mainly over on this thread link removed On Sunday I got busted for something I did a few months ago. I had thought he may have been cheating on me so I looked in his stuff and found an email from the girl and in his travel journal I found more incrimidating information. I was really hoping to work on things. He knew about me checking the email but he didn't know about the travel journal (which i had looked at after we had an explosion and a break up) which had some...interesting details. A girlfriend got drunk Friday night and spilled the beans to another girlfriend who spilled the beans to her guy which trickled down to my ex then me. The girl who told...for the last two months I had been noticing things like she is up to no good and miseray loves company (she's newly single). She fed my paranoia and when I had enough...begin to feed the other girl's paranoia (about our men cheating).

 

So damage done. Two months later I got busted for snooping in his stuff when I had suspicions of an affair he was having. I went to him and confessed - we have been slowly trying to build something up but neither of us figured it'd happen immediately.

 

He's furious. He has a right to be. I accept that however I did tellhim that I have never looked in your stuff the 2 years we were together. The only time I ever looked is when I thought something was up and you weren't upfront in telling me. I appologized for my needed to know the truth and snooping.

 

However, here's the twist. He took this and has turned it around and is making it all about me and how I'm a snoop and how I can't be trusted and how I'm wrong. And when I brought up the fact that it was him who started this - he cheated on me first emotionally and now I know physically - and he says to me that if I hadn't have snooped then he wouldn't have cheated no not cheated, then he wouldn't have gone further with the physical part of their "relationship".

 

Says that it's my fault.

 

So what I'm asking you guys - is it NORMAL - for someone who gets busted like he did and when he finds something that he can bust you on (my snooping) that he suddenly turns what he does and candy coats it and makes it all about you? What evils you did?

 

I mean it just completely turned me off of ever wanting anything with him again b/c I'm sitting here thinking yeah I screwed up by snooping and ESP. telling someone else about what I saw/did but you weren't being honest with me and I wanted to know for sure. He also started to blame me with the fact that I made the living situation uncomfortable b/c I didn't contribute to the household in making the vibe nice and asked me what I could have done to make it better. I told him I could have moved. He didn't want that answer but another. I was sitting here thinking you and your roommate have had 5 roommates in the last 2 years. We all had one thing in common...hatred of the other roommate.

 

So we were talking Monday I had the full intention of just being like okay goodbye then. And he wouldn't really let me go. Got angry with me being like well we just sholdn't talk anymore. And I got roped into talking with him in 6 months (I won't be calling him please).

 

He was also angry that I wasn't more angry at him. I am. Terribly so. But I didn't want to feed him what he obviously was looking for. I felt that if I got angry he could just use that and I honestly felt calm and cool about it. After the display on Sunday...I finally didn't care. I finally had some type of crazy closure. I was sick of his reasoning and control issues and snobbiness. And it just took one statement that sent me there.

 

However that's my question to you guys. What makes people who get caught cheating twist it and make it seem like you were the fault/reason that they did this action? Why do you suppose he wants me to get angry with him? Why do you suppose he wants to talk to me again in 6 months? I honestly told him you know let's just play it by ear and he didn't want to. When I had had enough a couple of times I was ready to throw in the towel he wouldn't let me hang up - well you know what I mean. I was just like ok, well you take care and i guess i'll see you when i see you. and he was like oh it that goodbye forever then? i'm like well you know...so i finally agreed to take time apart until the end of the summer which is september.

 

I honestly don't care. I won't be calling him. But am curious why would he even want this? Cut the cords man cut the cords. I know he still doesn't "want" me but maybe it's too scary to comletely let go? I was seriously his best friend and know more about him than any human on this earth. I'm talking deep dark secrets. But they're not mine to share so I would never. I did share waht he did to me. Jilted lover I guess.

 

What do you think?

[melrich]

He feels guilty and is just trying to justify his actions any way he can. Probably as simple as that.

[shes2smart]

"When you point your finger 'cause your plan fell through, you got three more fingers pointin' back at you." - Dire Straits "Solid Rock"

 

Definitely guilty conscience speaking. If he hadn't been screwing around, you never would have felt the need to snoop through his stuff. I'm not saying you did the right thing by snooping, but I'm guessing at the time you felt it was your only option. Really, had you confronted him would you have trusted him to give you an honest answer anyway?

 

On your part, snooping was wrong and you need to take responsibility and own up to that (if you haven't already done so). He is not taking responsibility for his cheating...he's trying to make you responsible for his behavior. That's a load of crap. He's the ONLY one responsible for his behavior. You did not "make" him do whatever he did with the other woman, and don't let him talk you into thinking you did.

 

If I was in your position, I'd leave, never look back and never speak to him again. After all...no trust, no relationship.

[moonunit]

oh girl yes. I totally came to him and was like we need to talk. i did xy and z. it wasn't the best thing to do but i am happy i did it b/c you weren't honestly with me. i owed up to what i did yes for sure.

 

he says that i only owned up to it after i got busted. this is true. but i told him i felt no good would come of anything if i told him i had also snooped elsewhere. this was 2 months ago. we hadn't even started talking again really.

 

i owed up to what i did and even still...he never owed up to his. he said it just fell in his lap and he took it from there.

 

i didn't ask him straight out - i did it in a round about way and watched his reaction. turned bright red, turned away, grinned a little. you know those little things your partner does that you catch when they're lying.

 

he did them all. not sure if he would have told me completely. actually no. i asked him afterwards and he said that he met her at this place, and friday when talking to a mutual friend who was with him (who told me that he lost all respect for him b/c of this and was like dude you have a gf what are you doing) just casually mentioned that they were all hanging out - him and the girl and her sister and the mutual friend and that he couldn't believe they were all over each other. i never said anything wouldn't want to bust this friend for telling me in a causal situation it's a moot point anyways.

 

However. That's what I was thinking. Guilt. I was like man where is this coming from? You be mad and hate me for going on a suspicion and looking in your stuff. Give me that anger and I freely accept it. But don't turn it around and blame your cheating on me. I feel that aside from the snooping, I didn't do anything wrong. I thought our relationship was going okay you know. I had no idea he was about to stray. He never had before after 2 years. I had no reason not to trust him.

 

I am glad that you guys, complete strangers, are saying that as well. I am not well versed in the cheating partner realm and you know i'm not on the outside, im in this mess so it's a little harder to see things frmo my point of view.

 

But I seriously thought he was completely crazy for accusing me for causing him to cheat. I was like a cartoon figure wiht my eys open and blinking like i cannot believe you are trying to give this to me. I owned up for what i did which I believe wasn't any comparison to what he did.

 

Yeah after he did that...I mean like I said I had hoped we could work things out regardless of the other woman. Not immediately but you know eventually, a year two years, three. But after he did and said that and acted that way. It turned me off from him adn made me finally realize you know, as beautiful as you are...you really don't have a clue. i don't need you i never did. loved you but don't need you. i always knew this but you know how we try to hang on.

 

but how can i hang on to someone who doesnt want to take responsibilty for their own actions? i can't. so he's gone.

 

he can call me in 6 months if he wants. i won't be there. i'm done.

[moonunit]

and yeah no trust no relationship or any kind.

 

I know he doesn't want to let me go completely being that we were so close and bonded....but he ruined it. He ruined it by his actions in March and completely eradicated any chance for reconcilation this past weekend.

 

So...why do you think he's holding onto this 6 month thing? I was thinking so what you're going to put me in your calendar and then you know in 6 months give me a call?

 

weird.

[Hope75]

However, here's the twist. He took this and has turned it around and is making it all about me and how I'm a snoop and how I can't be trusted and how I'm wrong. And when I brought up the fact that it was him who started this - he cheated on me first emotionally and now I know physically - and he says to me that if I hadn't have snooped then he wouldn't have cheated no not cheated, then he wouldn't have gone further with the physical part of their "relationship".

 

It is not your fault he cheated. His guilty feelings are what's making him try to turn this around.

 

BUT, you had no right to be snooping either, regardless of what you thought was going on. What you did was violate his privacy and give him a reason not to trust you, all because you did not trust him. Doesn't sound like a foundation for a healthy relationship, now does it?

 

Bottom line is, you are both in the wrong. At this point the best thing is to let him go and forgo the chance of a reconcilation. I think you guys have done too much damage here to even consider it.

 

As for the six month thing, who knows why he is doing it? Why agonize over it? Drop him and don't wait around 6 months waiting to see if he changes his mind. It isn't important anymore. What is important is you taking charge of your own future and walking away from him..... for good.

[moonunit]

Doesn't sound like a foundation for a healthy relationship, now does it?

 

Nope. And honestly it has helped me move on. I can't be with someone who has cheated on me physically. And I know I broke his trust when I snooped on him to find out if he betrayed my trust. I know this and I accept the anger he has about this and my fault in that matter. I just didn't want to take the blame for him cheating and didn't understand why he was giving it to me. Or trying to. Bottom line is he shouldn't be with me and I shouldn't be with him and I'm fine about it. it's the closure that was needed in a round about way.

[Guarana Galrok]

Yes, it's normal. Don't break up with him just because both of you screwed. I think his betrayal is a heavier weight on the scale, but nonetheless you deserve it for snooping.

[moonunit]

You think I deserve what for snooping? We all ready have broken up a few months ago b/c of this and him wanting to see if the grass was greener. It wasn't because I snooped on him. It was because there was the possibilty of betrayal plus the fear of committment.

 

He cheated on me. I suspected him on cheating. I snooped only after I caught him in a lie. Never have snooped in his stuff before until there was suspicion.

 

but nonetheless you deserve it for snooping

 

So you think that I deserve him cheating on me after I snooped? I don't get your logic. I snooped during/after the fact. Maybe you misread the story?

 

Or maybe you're just kind of mean. Not sure.

 

I will say it one last time. I take full responsibility for looking at his stuff after I suspected him of cheating first emotinally with someone. Which I eventually have found out he did both emotionally and physically. I fessed up and told him everything and respect his anger with me in this situation. He shouldn't trust me. I looked in his stuff after he "flintched" when I asked him about the other woman. I don't trust him. He lied to me and not only was he talking to another woman, he slept with her while we were still in a relationship.

 

I am reaping the consequences for my snooping by probably never being able to have a relationship with him again. What's the problem with that? He slept with another woman while we were dating. I don't really see that this consequence in this matter are too awful. We didn't need to be with each other any longer and I didn't need to keep pining over him or wishing that we'd get back together. He doesn't trust me and he's mad at me, I shrug to this.

 

I didn't sleep with another person. Two wrongs don't make a right, but I needed to know and he wasn't being upfront. So now I know and now I can honestly say I'm moving on.

 

On a side note. He did call me this evening. Which shocked me. It was through an unlisted number, I suppose so that I would pick up? Left a message just saying "it's me. i'm sorry."

[tiger_lilies]

Left a message just saying "it's me. i'm sorry."

 

Ha! Of course he's sorry. He's now alone, without your friendship and support, so obviously he's feeling sorry....sorry for himself!

 

He has disrespected you as a person and friend, your relationship with him and he thinks "sorry" is going to make you come back to him? Paaalease!

 

It's funny, my ex who cheated on me also told me that he would call me at the 6 month mark. The funnier thing is, he did! He left a message on my voice mail saying that he mailed me a letter and for me to "please read it". When I got the letter, it turned out to be some stupid sob letter saying how lonely he is now without me and that he's stressed. He didn't say once if he was sorry...he's basically still thinking about himself only.

 

Your ex was thinking about himself only as well. He was thinking about himself when he decided to chose to cheat on you, he was thinking about himself when he decided to lie to you and he was thinking about himself when he tried to turn the blame back on you.

Drop this selfish loser out of your life. You can do so much better and from the sound of your posts, I think you'll be fine.

[moonunit]

teh - i'm thinking that he doesn't want me back at this point in time - which is okay for me! ;-)

 

and as for being alone, he's the type that enjoys his space so i'm not sure he's missing not having me around too much! and becides, he has the other woman and he's dating around trying to be a player i suppose and ofcourse the roommate and keeping busy so...i figure he's doing fine.

 

call was a surprize but i won't overanalyze it too much.

 

OK so it isn't so weird for someone to say they'll contact you in 6 months. When I heard it I just thought it was the strangest thing like how can you put a time limit on things. That's bizarre. But I see it's not too unusual.