thinking about things too much

[whitelilly]

I have the problem where my boyfriend and I are different in our emotions. Our sixth month relationship has been going well, and still is. The only difference we have is our sensitivity.

 

He is a very strong and secure person. And has difficulty understanding my low self esteem. I have accepted that he does not feel entirely comfortable talking to me about my problems, because he cannot relate to them at all. thereforeeeeee, I no longer bring them up with him, and probably help me to realise when things are really "problems"; rather than over-reactions at the heat of a down moment.

 

Lately I have been feeling a little vulnerable and analysing things too much. I have brought certain things up with him. Small things that he does, that make me feel like he does not care as much as I do about our relationship. (Even when my belief is it's his naivety that is the cause, rather than him not caring.) Afterwards I have realised that these are just some of his faults - which are not many. And he never brings up my faults with me, he just accepts them.

 

I feel bad now, for bringing them up, as he is a beautiful person that I am extremely lucky to be sharing my life with. I cannot tell him that I have been over reacting, or over analysing because he gets upset, and says that there is nothing wrong with me, and that he has not even seen any problem with the way I have been acting around/towards him.

 

The advice I need, is how do I stop analysing everything so much when I get down, and acting before I have had time to cool down. I need to be a stronger person in myself, but just need some help in getting thoughts into actions. It is seeming to be a lot harder than it sounds.

[pcardoso]

Hi,

 

I need to be a stronger person in myself, but just need some help in getting thoughts into actions. It is seeming to be a lot harder than it sounds.

 

It's like a workout; you have to practice everyday. One thing, that works for me, is: when I start thinking to much I try to distract myself. If I have the opportunity, I sit down and start trying to analyze what I feel.

Second: sometimes you can't stop thinking, because it's your nature but you can use it in your favour. If it's a problem from work (for ex.), instead of worrying with the "past" you can start thinking on solutions or in what you can benefit from it, like future experience.

If the problem is just with your bf, I suggest you to open your heart and mind to your guy. If he is with you, it's because he cares about you and certainly doesn't want you with "clouds".

 

I hope this can help.

[DanielLJ]

Maybe counseling would help...I'm thinking about it. You neede to be able to work on you separate from working on your relationship with him.

[reborn]

Hey Whitelilly,

I feel very identified with your mail. If you care about your self and your relationship you must calm down. Everyone is different, and I don´t know you personally, but from what you describe you sound a lot like I used to be. Being like this caused me lots of anxiety and ended up putting lots of strain in my relationship where we finally broke up and now I am in pain, lots, and lots of pain. Instead of feeling guilty I want for my mistakes and lesson to help someone else out.

 

I am no psycologist or nothing, but since my breakup 3 months ago, I have taken the time to really analize me and my relationships. I have gone to a website that really helpmed me a lot it is called soulmateoracle. They have good ebooks there. It sounds like you have some sort of polarity dance. Maybe persuer/distancer. Get some perspective before you keep going in this direction. It can make you later regret how things turn out, and judging by how you describe your character you will feel guilty. so, don´t be proactive and stop the polarity dance. Get at ease with your own feelings. Separate what you need to work on with yourself and don´t put that stress on your relationship. Separate things. Separate, put everything in its own place. Don´t contaminate your relationship.Do it before its too late.

[StillLoveHer]

I've had the same prob with thinking too much.. Every time I start to analize something now I just tell my self to shut the hell up LOL It works..

[whitelilly]

Thanks to everyone for their good advice.

 

After a long day of more thinking(!) I have cleared my head a little more.

 

Reborn said;

Separate what you need to work on with yourself and don´t put that stress on your relationship. Separate things. Separate, put everything in its own place. Don´t contaminate your relationship.Do it before its too late.

 

This made me realise how important it is that I act on all of this. In the past, once I have cleared my head I have realised how silly things I have been worrying about were, and sworn I would try harder before it was too late. But I have found myself doing it again.

 

I think now though, I realise it's not about dismissing my "problems" all together, it's about seperating them from my relationship. I can still work on all of my problems, and even talk to my boyfriend about them. I just need to make sure that I do not bring our relationship into it. Because it's really not the relationship, it's me. It's just the relationship is what means the most to me in my life at the moment so I automatically assume that is where all of my happiness should come from - which is wrong.

 

I think in the past, I have acted this way to gain some sort of recognition that I am hurting. It's almost like if I indirectly let him know I am upset, he may treat me a little differently and I won't have to try and talk to him about everything. Sadly, I think it could also be a case of wanting some attention, when feeling down also.

 

So from now on, I will try my hardest to focus on the good in our relationship when I am around him, and not the fact that he didn't call me for a few days when I was feeling down. (And instead of thinking he is putting me second best.... and realise it was probably because he was super busy and had no time.)

[sabena]

hello, just read your problem and then looked back at mine and realised that both of us are doing the same thing. I find it incredibly hard to not think of my boyfriends ex and its become such a problem that I feel we are able to split up unless I do something right now. Something I did do was ask myself whats the worse that can happen?..Well we could split up, thats it and yes I would be devastated and cry endlessly but at the same time I know I will meet another in time and that's one of the things that I am going to think of that the worst that can happen is that we split up. I have to and I think YOU should start thinking of a time when you were very happy with your partner whenever you think of bad times or feel down...maybe we can both get through this together.

[whitelilly]

In my case, the worse thing that could happen may be splitting up, but that gives me no comfort at all. I really can't imagine myself with anyone else right now. I know that if we were to break up, one day I would find someone else... but this does not make it easier for me - just harder.

 

My boyfriend is my best friend. I love him so very much, but I feel if we were to break up, I wouldn't be able to see him as much as you would with a best friend because the pain would be too strong. thereforeeeeee, I would be losing my boyfriend and my best friend.

 

There is nothing wrong with our relationship whatsoever. It's me. And it seems a devastating price to pay (breaking up) because in the end I couldn't act on my own self distructing behaviour. (especially that I know I am doing it)

 

I think you are right about thinking positive thoughts when you get down. I think my main goal is just to stop saying things when I am emotional, calm down and start to put everything into perspective more before I just fill my head with more silly worry/stress.

[sabena]

hello again.

 

You say that you would be devastated if you broke up?..Yes, I know how that feels (read my post under "help from guys please") the thing is, that for me personally, and its taken a lot of years to realise this, that if I split up from my boyfriend I will be heartbroken, because he is everything in a man that I want, everything..but I know that somewhere in this world there are also about 50,000 other men who are the same...surely one of them will like me too?...also you have to take each day as it comes...I have started to keep my eyes wide open, not acting clingy, not telling him i love him and if he still loves me and stuff like that, and I will admit it really hurts inside that I don't hear this from him but its only been three days since I started this and in one way I feel stronger but in another I feel like I am in limbo, but then that when I turn to my friends who have told me to go to them when I feel upset...YOU do the same, turn to your friends...when You are with Him and feel low and need reassurance phone or text your friends...You have family and friends who love you for who you are and are probably really upset to see you as you are right now so use them...

 

I think sometimes women have a tendency to go full swing into relationships and whether we admit to it or not we go in with rose tinted glasses thinking each guy "could be the one" well I for one am learning that this is not true and I for one won't be made a fool of.

 

Another thing, you say He is your best friend?..Best friends don't do this to eachother and if they do they talk about it face to face and sort it out once and for all they don't go to a forum and discuss it strangers...just like I have come here for advice as you have, maybe this is telling us both that we feel we can't approach our partners about our feelings because we are subconsciously frightened of the outcome.

 

*hugs* sabena

[whitelilly]

Because I have written about this in a forum, does not mean that he is not my best friend. Nor does it mean we do not communicate - we do.

Sometimes you need to talk to other people to help broaden the advice you need. I have talked to my boyfriend about these sorts of problems.

 

I have no fear of talking to my boyfriend about these problems, he just doesn't do too well giving me the advice I need, because in this case he does not relate to me. He is a strong person with high self esteem, whereas I am not; so he finds it difficult to relate.

 

My friends have also given me good advice. But I find that the more advice you can get the better.

[llosos]

Hi Whitelilly, I'd just like to make a suggestion. Try looking for a book called "Unlimited Power" by a guy called Anthony Robbins. Read it, and see what it does for your self esteem.

Basically, it will teach you that you are capable of doing anything you want to do. But more than that, it will explain something about mental states. Let me ask you something, who, other than yourself, has control over your mind and your emotions? Answer: Nobody. That's right, nobody can control your emotions, only you can do that. So, if nobody can control your emotions, then nobody can "make" you angry, or sad, or happy, or self-conscious, or inferior, or ...... Only you can do that, because you choose, subconsciously, how you are going to react to any given situation.

I'm not going to continue because I get carried away, but read the book, and I guarantee it will help. I've recommended it to other people, and the results have been amazing. Try it. Good luck.

[sabena]

gosh, sorry i didnt mean to make out that you dont communicate...but i read your replies and have been doing the same..trying not to allow negative thoughts into my head, and god is it me or is it really really hard? *laughs*