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Can’t get over my past

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So I’m 18 And I’ve done some disgusting things in the past that I’m not proud of. I accepted this and I changed and then I met a boy that I was dating for about 7 months I know this sounds short but he really became my best friend. And he found out bits about my past and he said he can’t accept me especially when he knows of some of the boys that I have been with. I get it I understand. He called me every name under the sun saying I’m disgusting and asking if I regret it and that it makes him feel sick the things that I’ve done and he compared me to his friends girlfriend saying why are you not like them and how I could of been a nice respectful girl. This has all really really affected me because apart from going through the breakup I am dealing with the thought that no one will ever want to be with me of marry me and I will never be seen as “wifey material” yesterday I was extremely suicidal, I wrote out my Suicide note and had it all planned out but I just couldn’t get the courage. I don’t think people understand how much this is effecting me, I feel disgusting and awful and I feel like everyone’s judging me and thinking I’m so nasty. He made me feel guilty that I posted him on social media saying the boys that I’ve been with will now look at him and laugh because he was with me, he is saying to me how depressed he is and I can’t help but feel sorry for him. I feel so so low and I don’t know how I will get through this I just can’t get the images of the awful sexual things I’ve done with different people in the past and just knowing that’s what some people think of me is heart breaking, as soon as I opened my eyes this morning I felt a panic attack coming on and I haven’t felt it go away since. Please be kind I can’t deal with horrible comments right now.

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