Help - I broke down

[lakergal]

I was out searching link removed just to peruse and see what I got... and yep, my ex of 2 years was one of my matches...

 

I was shocked... and deeply hurt. So, I broke down and wrote him... it's listed below... you have to start reading from the bottom to get it chronologically...

 

Please post your thoughts - I really need to hear what you think.

 

The first part below is my response to him:

 

----- Original Message -----

From: email removed

To: email removed

Sent: Saturday, May 14, 2005 11:47 AM

Subject: link removed Message: I miss you

 

We don't have to be at this point... we don't have to be in tears... Turn around, look back for a time without interference... you know we had a good thing and at times it was great...

 

You don't quit that... time away, ok... but quit?

 

You still love me, you miss me... remember, I'm the love of your life; you love me with all your heart - listen to it... minds play tricks when we're tired, frustrated, and/or depressed.

 

You moved to xxx... why, cuz it's close to me and where I'm building. (comcast told me inadvertantly you were there when I had to rehook up the high speed)

 

The healthclub is there - we can do things there; the movies, the concerts, and I still love you.

 

Passion - it starts with a smile - so, a smile is coming your way

 

Passion - it starts with hope and grateful thoughts of those you love - you have them

 

Your mind may race but your heart has me in it... as it should. We love each other and we can build...

 

To the Sparkler in my heart, goodnight.

 

I love you.

 

This is the part from him

email removed wrote:

I am so sorry, I have hurt you. It was never my intention I still cry to this day to all the hurt I have caused you.

 

----- Original Message -----

From: email removed

To: email removed

Sent: Saturday, May 14, 2005 11:47 AM

Subject: link removed Message: I miss you

 

Subject: I miss you

 

and will love you forever...

 

I miss your arms around me, your cuddling, our long talks, I wake up at night and wish you were here... loving me... like I still love you...

 

I don't know what happened - the passion was there just waiting to be lit up again - I still believe in us...

 

We can still make it work... you know that... and in your heart, I'm still there.

 

Love you, sweetie - and think of you every day.

[PhoenixInATL]

Well, I'd wait and see what he writes back. I hate to say this, but at first blush it looks like from his response to your first email that he acknowledged the hurt but hasn't changed his mind. I know this is a really painful time in your life and it breaks my heart to see you go through it. Still, let's see what he writes back. Sometimes guys aren't good at expressing themselves and maybe that why he wrote what he did. Maybe there's more to come. Keep us posted.

[DN]

I read your previous post on this guy.

 

Are you sure you want him back?

[lakergal]

You mean when we first broke up and I wrote how angry he was all the time?

 

I think when I read his profile on match, it was all us and me. The traveling, the music, the ... I was completely shocked. Why look for someone else like me... why not me?

 

When he left, the part I didn't put in my other post was this:

 

Weds night - asks me about where the passion went and I pointed to his 4 computers where Everquest is loaded and he plays... and said that took some of it away... He said, "that's it then, I'm done. I'm closing the guild." Sounds simple but for 6 years it was his passion - he was the guild leader of the largest light guild on that server with 250 people playing it accross the internet. He was addicted to it... So he logged on line, paused for a moment and typed in that people needed to find new homes... then he cried and asked to be left alone - I did for a few minutes, then came back and hugged him until he was done...

 

BTW - he's 42, I'm 40.. not sure that makes a difference

 

Thurs night - he tells me he's not sure he's building our new home with me... last year we were b uilding one for close to $1.5M - my equity and mostly my income (he pays a ton in child support)

 

Fri night - we go to comedy club he says we have to work on our sex life - I said okay - like how? We had fun at the comedy club, we laughed, we drove home and I cried when we slipped into bed... he put his arms around me and said, "don't cry, and don't give up on us... please don't give up on us..." then he pointed out all the things that were great about us and list is long... he even said, "You're the complete package; good to me, good for me, take good care of me, kind, smart..."

 

Sat morning - he brings home a rose for me after work and says he doesn't know if we'll make it but he thought he'd try to do the things I had mentioned that morning that showed me he loved me... that were the little things one does in a relationship... He never got the flowers and chocolates part with dating - says they're a waste of money.

 

Sat night - he closes the Everquest guild.... his depression starts sinking in... how do I know? he starts singing really sad songs

 

Sun morning - I'm talking to his daughter in IM... she hates him... she's telling me about many things that I'm sure he'd rather I had not known... but she trusts me completely... he gets up, goes onto the phone and apparently calls his kids because his daughter said, "Uh oh. Dad's on the phone" When I questioned her why she was worried, she just said not a good sign. So he comes back in after an hour or so and says he doesn't think we're going to make it... we talk for about 2 hours.

 

I tell him I think he's suffering depression from ending the Everquest thing. I can't tell you how much it consumed him each and every night. We lost, in real life, one of our players in March due to a bad heart. She died in surgery... It was awful on both of us... I ask him what pros there are to leaving and what pros there are to staying. He says, there are no pros for leaving.... he hadn't thought of it that way. I told him I thought we finally had a chance to put the passion back in without EQ haunting us that we finally had a great opportunity to see how great we could be without that game interfering... It sounds really dumb but it was draining both of us to have him be the guild leader... took lots of time in game and out to run it... almost like a 2nd full time job.

 

He says he'll give us time... When he comes to bed that night he wraps himself around me, tells me he loves me.

 

Mon morning - I wake up he's still wrapped around me. Asks me if I felt loved that morning and I said, "oh yeah!" he says - check! He admits that ending the guild was harder on him than he thought it would be... he admits he's really sad about it and will miss playing with those folks and being a leader.

 

Mon night - we go to dinner, have a good time - yak about work and whatever else... we head to bed, I have to leave for Chicago the next morning...

 

Tues morn - he drops me off at airport, gives me a kiss, and tells me to have a safe trip

 

Tues afternoon - I call him to say hi and ask about his day... we talk for about 15 minutes - he tells me he's going out that night with one of the guys from work... told me to call him later... I said I wouldn't because he'd be out with the guys - didn't want to bug him.

 

Wed night - he picks me up at the airport brings us home and tells me we're through. We talk some more - I ask him why he's making these decisions when he's so depressed about EQ, and why not wait...

 

Thurs morning - he starts to pack. But in doing so he does some strange things: moves his beloved autographed signed hockey stick from the 1976 (I think that's the year) Montreal Canadians to where his computers are.

 

Stranger - he calls a mover but doesn't make an appt...

 

Later that afternoon my father and he get into it - my father, the last I heard before I walked away was my dad saying, "you've lived like a king here for the past 2 years... you've had everything and anything done for you... and now you leave?"

 

Fri night - ex calls me to arrange a time to come pack more stuff. I asked what time worked for him, he said he asked me... the game I said noon, he said that cut it short for him and his 2pm appt. (Well, then he should have told me what time he wanted to come over.)

 

Sat afternoon - I return home. He'd been here labeled it a bunch of stuff for the movers... here's where he did some strange things...

 

He took that hockey stick, Thurs night so prominently displayed on his computers and shoves it into a closet... He only had one component on my stereo rack (his 200 DVD player completely filled with DVDs). Instead of moving that and labeling, it takes my receiver... they're not easy to mistake... and the value on his DVD player is much more than my receiver given the DVDs inside... Anyway, he also cleans out the decorative cases where I stored his DVDs and leaves his CDs and one DVD inside the bottom one.

 

Sunday - he moves out... I'm devastated.

 

Monday the cable company inadvertantly disconnected my high speed while hooking up his - don't ask me how an email addy causes such a fuss... I have to explain how his account originally set up in my house under his name got my name on it in January, and about our break up... I'm in tears... I ask the kind lady half joking, please tell me he didn't move to "xxx"... she sighs, and says, "Well? The addy I have for him is in xxx."

 

Our home was being built in that suburb... The one I was talking to him about just buying and skipping the build phase was in that suburb. That's all I've talked about is moving to that suburb... My metro area has about 25 suburbs - some are even close to the light rail system that HE always talked about talking into work. There were plenty of other places for him to move... but no, he chose the one I'm building in and he knew it.

 

Yes, I can think of all the horrible things he did but... before Everquest started really haunting my life and his (he didn't really started playing as much until I let him move in - then it was all and I mean, all, the time) things were great. He coached my son's soccer team, he laughed with me all the time, we saw concerts, etc... And now, he's gone... right after he ends EQ.

 

Three weeks prior to this we were driving around the SW corner of the country to see his parents in Phoenix (it's 1800 miles from where we live - we drove)... we had a good time driving... I was "treat" lady, he was the driver... we laughed, we talked, etc. Two weeks prior we were at my son's grave (my first child died of SIDS at 6 months when I was 22)... and he was driving and holding my hand. One week prior he wanted to make love out in the small forest next to my house...

 

I still adore this man - I fell in love with him 2 years ago because he was everything - EQ killed that... I'm not entirely sure he's quit now either...

[DN]

Try looking at things from what his position might be:

 

He has a hobby or interest that he loves and you pressure him into closing it down.

 

You allow his daughter to talk to you about him in a negative way.

 

You want flowers and chocolates etc. as tokens of his love even though he thinks that is a waste of money - perhaps thinking that love means more than material gifts or tokens. (And you didn't mention whether you did those things for him)

 

He talks to you about lack of sexual activity and and you use that as a reason to lever him into stopping playing his games.

 

You are buying a house together that he cannot afford because of child support payments and thereforeeee he feels dependent on you.

 

Your father attacks him for leaving and implies he was taking advantage of you financially.

 

You are assuming that all the relationship problems are due to his game without looking at anything you may have done to damage the relationship - and compounding that by diagnosing him with depression because of the game rather than the fact he may also be depressed because of a deteriorating relationship with you.

 

I am not in the least suggesting that the relationship break-up was all your fault - but I am suggesting that you look at your behaviour and attitudes as well to see if you at least contributed to it. You would be wise to do that if you have an opportunity to repair the break. It would also help you even if this relationship were irreparable, because you could avoid similar issues in another relationship.

[lakergal]

no, he wasn't defining someone younger. Get this:

 

age: 26-47 (I'm 40)

height: 5'6" - 6'0" (I'm 6'0")

 

Interests: listen to music whether live or on radio (he used to listen to me play the piano and flute all the time, and I'd take him to rock concerts whenever someone was playing that was interesting - Elton John, Shania, etc.)

 

Travel: anywhere that air or car will take me... (I took him to Las Vegas, San Diego, Calgary twice, and Phoenix - to here it was by car, we drove and had a blast - he even told my parents that he had a great time)

 

Added in: must be knowledgeable about world events, politics, news... (I'm fluent in two languages - Russian and German - one of the things we talked about a lot was Iraq, No Korea, Russia/Chechnian problems, Iran, Africa, France, etc)

 

So, like I said - when he talked about what he was looking for, it was me. My son read the profile and almost choked - he said, "Mom, he's looking for a clone of you."

[lakergal]

Okay, now I'm REALLY dumb...

 

Bought a new computer today for my son - was transferring a whole bunch of info and my ex's MSN messenger stuff got added too.

 

My son then informed he will get an email stating I added him to contact list. When I realized what happened I deleted the contact immediately.

 

Son says ex will still get an email saying I added him...

 

I feel like a chasing, morbid, loser right now...

 

What do I say to him? God dangit - it'd hurt like hell if he blocked me... just another knife twist.

[ron13]

just be honest with him about the computer screw-up - i doubt he will think it's a big deal, hope not anyway.

 

as for his profile looking for someone like you - not sure what to tell you. if you and him were in more contact, i would certainly ask him about that and why if he is looking for those specific things, then why did he throw it all away with you.

 

from his reply, sounds like he is still pretty confused about things. like you told me, space is probably the best thing. when i broke up with my ex, she was trying to get me back for several weeks afterwards, and i felt like i just needed space and time. now the roles are reversed and i am trying to get her back - and what do you know, giving her space and time. that has worked as she contacts me when she would like to talk or anything and we have better, more meaningful conversations, and i don't come accross as needy.

 

his response about never intending to hurt you is EXACTLY the thing i told my ex during the breakup process and afterwards. she said she didn't care about my intent, i did what i did. it was/is a true statement, but sometimes we (guys) think it might be for the best to part ways, for whatever (or completely wrong) reasons. maybe he'll recognize his mistake like i did, and hopefully soon, before you've moved on...

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Laker this is gonna sound extreme but I am serious about it. I don't think you should have internet acess inside your home right now. It is to tempting. Go to a library if you want to post on here. Don't call him. If he still has feelings for you, him not knowing you still are desperate for him is gonna repell him. Would we recognize the value of dimonds still if they were sitting outside our front pourch everyday? Totally try to get over him, and you might win him back when he starts to see him running back to you is no longer such a viable alternative. You are only 29 right? He might just realize his mistake that way.

[lakergal]

no, I'm 40...

 

it was a mistake - the MSN thing.

 

I don't regret having written him the emails... but I will not do so again...

 

I heard him saying to my father the day he was packing, "Sir, why are you doing this?" and my dad laid into him. I regret my father yelling at him but my father is so disgusted... he watched and could do nothing as this man took a very self-confident daughter and turn her into a mess...

 

He lived in my home like a king:

 

I cooked and I cleaned up the dishes - he refused

 

I did the laundry and hung/folded it - he refused

 

I brought him dinners when he refused because some raid in EQ was happening

 

When something of his got ruined, I paid for the new thing. He never bought me the new remote that he smashed on the floor.

 

I paid for everything because he had no money due to his divorce.

 

The man had it made with me in many ways. I can look at the things I did wrong and own them. I always did. He would say he was sorry for the things he did wrong but the behaviour never changed... so was he really sorry?

 

for instance, he talked while we were frisky about 3-somes... it was not once in awhile, it was all the time, every time.

 

He'd bring up that he wanted me to go to a bar and pick some guy up, do that guy in the bathroom and come home to tell him about it... he said he'd be so turned on....

 

On top of that he told me all the time about the women at work - first his ex how great she was in bed, then others - their breast size, how "naughtie" they were (sexually provocative in other words), etc.

 

Eventually, while we were being frisky he mentioned that he wanted to "F@@@" one of them and that she loved to "f@@@" him lots.

 

So, to be honest - it made me insecure... and I got jealous. However, I was working on that... My jealousy was really over one woman - she made me feel weird and my friends thought she acted strange around him as well. The other women I didn't care about - they didn't make my neck hairs stand on end.

 

He hated my memberships in various community clubs - Rotary for instance. He hated that there were "rich" men there... yeah, so? I loved and adored him!

 

The afternoon before I came home for business trip I called him to say hi and ask how his day was going - typical checking in conversatoin - letting him know what I was up to, asking about his work.

 

He told me he was going out with some friends that night since I wouldn't be in town.

 

I told him to have a great time. He said if I wanted to call him later, I could.

 

I told him, that I wasn't going to bother him while he was out that he should just have fun. I did NOT ask who with, or where, or whatever.

 

Every couple has issues to work through - I guess I gave him all I had - laid it on the floor so to speak and would have done whatever to make it work.

 

When he needed me - emotionally and psychologically - for work, I was there. When I needed him most, he bolted out the door...

 

When he needed me for EQ with a toon that could help him, I bought one and helped him out. I scheduled things for his guild to help him, I implored the people who played to help him too. He would often comment on how it was so hard that no one in the guild gave back to him - so I asked them to... I defended him on several occasions to the people who thought he was so rude, mean, and offensive. And I continued to play with him but the game had long ago lost my interest.

 

Wherever he is - I wish I could tell him I'm sorry for the things I did wrong. I would have changed anything and everything to make it work (within reason of course - getting rid of son isnt' a choice )

 

I have friends who will take me out and do things, I have a home to keep up so it will sell, I have a job that just got more difficult, so I know there is enough to keep me occupied.

 

It just hurt too damn much to see that he's posting for someone that's exactly like me and he wants to replicate all that we had with someone else and is so blatantly displaying it on match.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Laker honestly you think your jealousy was abormal? Do you think it's appropriate for a guy to ask for threesomes with someone he is serious with? Even more so, he should NEVER mention anybody else while you two are frisky. EVER. That is HIM, not YOU. This guy sound's like a major jerk. Just listening to this makes me wanna lay him out, seriously. You don't need this kinda person in your life. At 40 you still got plenty of time to find somebody better. (And you can still do it at 50, 60, even 70 but I am bettin' you won't need to take very long). There are plenty of men out there who will appreciate what you have. However, since you are in a position right now where you might not be able to think about the positives of another man, look at it this way. Any contact will make you less desirable when you are desperate than it will once he realizes what he's missin. Please avoid any contact and minimize the presense of things that will remind you of em.

[DN]

I know that you love him - but I think he just did you the biggest favour he could - by leaving. Sorry to be blunt but the guy is a user and you are much better off without him. Find someone deserving of your love.

[lakergal]

I really appreciate your input...

 

This weekend would have been our anniversary. I don't know if it will be hard or not - I plan on being out and about, staying busy, keeping him out of sight, out of mind.

 

During the day I'm fine - it's the nights when I dream about him and wake to find he's not there... but then I tell myself silently, I deserve better - whether it's him, or someone else, I deserve to be treated well...

 

Work took a weird turn this past week and will keep me occupied as I search for a new way to deal with the junk.

 

Thank you again for your support - when I read that you wanted to "lay him out" just for talking to me that way, it helped me realize it really was him (not that I was perfect).