dunno....

[Cycosis]

Friday was the worst day. I was so full of anger and hate. Went to bed and woke of on Saturday. I felt good for some reason. I was still hurting but felt nowhere near like I did on Friday. It was amazing. We had e-mailed each other off and on all day. I had been talking about getting a new tattoo for a while now and I decided now was as good a time as any. I've spent the last 2 days on the net searching for something. Nothing seemed to really catch my eye as something I wanted permenatly on my body. I needed something to signify something. All my others have a meaning to me. I have something like a grim reaper on my left arm, it kinda signifies death and how sometimes I feel dead inside. On my right arm I have a bat. Since bats can "see" real well in the dark it signifies me looking through the dark times in my life and getting past them. Also on my right arm I have a another reaper. This one is my favorite. It's holding a heart. Around it it says Lost all Trust, Lost all Faith. I got this because I was tired of getting hurt by people I loved and thought loved me. Now on my right leg I have a Phoenix. It signifes death and rebirth. When the phoenix dies it is reborn from itself. It signifes how I feel. I kinda feel dead and soon I'll be reborn as myself. The way I was before all this. I Didn't want something just cause it looks cool. I finally found what I was looking for in a book at home. I was so pumped up on getting it. I'm gonna have to start using names cause this might get confusing. A buddy of mine, Greg, was gonna take me so we are just hanging out by my place for a little bit before we go. Then another buddy of mine, Pete, calls. He wanted to know what I was doing. I told him. But right away I thought of something. I asked him right after if he was with the ******, he was. He still talks to her ex. He's the type of guy that doesn't get want to get involved in things. I'm not gonna get pissed at him cause he still talks to the a*****e. When he told me I'm like please don't come, trust me just don't come. Greg doesn't like the a*****e but for other reasons then mine. He doesn't know what's been going on with me and her. All he knows is that I've talked to her a few times. Like I said he wouldn't want to get involved. Pete's like ok no prob. On the way there I told Greg if they happen to show up you'll have to get him out of there cause I don't know if I'd be able to control myself if I saw him. The a*****e likes confrontation so it would be just like him to come. So we go and I'm looking around the place first. I find something else I like and decide to get that. What I found at home was basically a picture of a hawk. I was gonna have the guy alter it so it would look more like the mytholigical creature the phoenix. Was gonna get it on both my shoulder blades pointing towards my spine. Then I would eventually get soemthing in the middle. I still plan on doing that, but later. What I found was basically a phoenix but tribal. I talked with the guy about how I wanted it to kinda look like it was on fire. So we decided to outline the thing in red and he added a few flames to it. Looks great. I'm loving it. Hurts like hell though cause it's on my leg and I can't find a damn pair of shorts to wear. My pants keep rubbing on it. Anyways we go out for a little bit afterwards and I come home. I was just kinda putzing around and decided to go to bed. It's was like 2:30 ish in the morning. I sent her a text message about what I had gotten. We where talking about tattoos in e-mail earlier that day. We go back and forth with the text messages like 4 or 5 times and I'm thinking ok this is dumb. I was gonna call her. She called me first. She had just dropped off her friend who kinda lives not to far from me. I told her to stop by and check it out. She aggreed and we sat in the alley behind my house for a while. I showed it to her and she said it looks great. We ended up coming inside my place cause she had to use the bathroom. We both sat on my couch and talked for a while. She told me how she went to this bar. It's one of things I dreaded hearing cause it's where the guy she was with before me, not the a*****e ex, works as a bouncer. I asked her if she went there to see him and she was like no, remember he doesn't work saturdays. I want to believe her. In one of my other posts someone said that if I wanna do the friendship thing I gotta be prepared for everything. I know this but it still sucks to hear. We talked about other stuff and about us. She told me she's sorry for making me drink so much. She know's I was drinking heavily the past week and taking vicadins. I told her about it every time I did it. I know I probably shouldn't have I guess I just wanted her to know what I was going through. Anyways while we are stitting there my cat comes in to say hello to her, rubbing her legs and everything. My cat is super jealous of me. When, gonna start using her name now so it don't get confusing, Bonnie first came over she was petting my cat. My cat doesn't like most people, especially guys. She only likes two of my friends, but thats cause they are always around. Well Bonnie stopped petting the cat and I think touched my arm and my cat flipped, and scratched her. She didn't want Bonnie to touch me. Was kinda funny. Anyways I'm trying to get my cat to jump up on the couch with us but she just sat on the floor. I noticed Bonnie was watching me and and I'm like what? She said she just likes to watch me talk to my cat, thinks it's cute. It's just I think she wanted me to kiss her, she had her head kinda tilted to the side it just would have been perfect for a kiss. I didn't do it though, I wanted to so damn bad but I didn't. I'm glad I was strong enough not to. After some more talking we kinda snuggled up together and fell asleep. Today is the day she's supposed to get all her stuff back from a*****e. She was supposed to meet her dad and her brothers there at 9 am. We woke up a little late. I just happen to glance at the time on my phone and it was 8:35. I woke her up real quick and said you gotta leave now or you're gonna be late. It was pretty much get up and walk out the door. I'm hoping that everything goes good for her. The a*****e probably wont give her any problems cause her dad and brothers will be there but knowing him he'll probably start something. Hopefully after this she'll be able to finally start the healing that she needs. She won't really have to have any contact with him anymore. He owes her a ton of money but she pretty much knows that he probably won't ever pay it back.

 

 

I hope all you people don't mind reading this. I'm kinda using this as like an online diary. It's helped me quite a bit. And I wanted to say thanks to everyone who has responded to my previous posts and to the people who run this. I've realized quite a few things. I know I'll be able to be the friend she needs. I know I am strong enough to move past this. No matter the outcome of what happens between me and her eventually I'll be able to admit that the love I have for her now has changed to the love of a friend. There will probably be a few more posts before this is all finally done with. I hope you wont mind reading those as well.

[Heretic]

Wait... what's your question?

[Cycosis]

No question. Like I said just kinda using this, as in this post at least, as some sort of way to express whats going on. It's something I feel is gonna help me get through all this bs.

[pcardoso]

Hi cycosis,

 

I know a bit of your story and just want express my admiration because what you're doing – putting aside your feelings – just to be there as friend to your ex… just shows the wonderful person you must be.

Only remember that drinking doesn't help you. Use this forum instead to vent your thoughts.

We'll be right here to help you cross this difficult moment in your life.

Good luck.

[Cycosis]

It just hard sometimes. I know it's because it's so soon after our breakup. When I've talked to her I've said a few sarcastic things. Stuff I never would have normally said. For instance she was telling me how I gotta stop drinking and only thing I said was "Thanks Ma". She got a little ticked at me saying that. Sometimes I just gotta bite my tongue so I don't say something I'll regret. I know if I say something it'll bring about 20 seconds of enjoyment to me then after that I'll be like why the F did I say that. Especially now that I'm having problems at work. I get pissed about that and then it just makes me get pissed about everything else going on. It's just a crappy situation.