Why do men do this to women?

[Nannie2003]

I can't believe I'm in another relationship with a man who came into my life like a hurricane, with love, caring, promises of a wonderful life together, asked me to marry him, even before we met, then all of a sudden he's distant and cruel. He moved in with me after only one month, stayed three weeks then went back to his apartment. He 'says' he was working another job (he's with the governement and is in national security for our state at military bases) doing undercover work related to terrorism. He says I can't come to his apartment because his partner has to stay there as they are on 30 minute call for these assignments. Then he tells me to stop calling his place and waking this guy (?) up! I did a stupid thing and sat outside his apartment, waited for him to come from work on a night when he said he couldn't come see me because he had to go work his other job. I watched him drive up, go inside and he never came back out. I drove home, called him and he wouldn't answer. The next day he yelled at me for calling his house and 'bothering' him. Now, the kicker: His ex-wife is moving back to our state with his 16 year old because the kid has 'problems with guilt' over choosing to live with her mother and not being able to see him on a regular basis. He has been angry and distant since he told me about this and he made it painfully clear that his kids come first before anything, him, his relationships, even if he has to eat peanut butter sandwhiches, his kids get their's first. Then he says that the ex is going to be living with him and he doesn't know what the situation outcome will be. He says 'worst case' is that they will live as man and wife again and our life and the future of our relationship is 'on hold' and he can't tell me anything because he doesn't know anything. Thursday night he was supposed to come here after his 'job' and said he would be here after six but before midnight, well he wasn't and I got so upset becasue he had yelled and yelled at me eariler for calling him (his day off) and I had hung up on him, so I called his house and left a message, because I knew he was there, and said that if he didn't call me back before 1:00 am I was coming there. Boy, he called in two minutes. Didn't make for a good conversation. He berated me for calling his house, said I was obcessive, (?) for asking for his time, and generally made me feel like a dog. After an hour of screaming and yelling at me on the phone he said 'I love you' and I don't know when I can see you. His ex and daughter are coming today. I am so stupid and needy that I wrote him an email and promised to let him have this time with them, professed my love and understanding and in general, my absolute trust and faith. Last night I went, with a girlfriend, to his house, and there he was, not working, his ex-'s car wasn't there. I didn't confront him but my friend wanted me to, she was so mad she wanted to knock on his door and jerk a knot in him. He told me he had to work again and didn't have time for me. I know in my mind that this is over, but my heart is broken. I'm so embarrassed and humilitated. I gave him money, money I didn't have, and now I'm afraid I'll never get it back.

 

Can anyone tell me how a man can go from a loving, caring, supportive, want to be with you all the time, let's get married RIGHT NOW type of person to 'stay away from my house, don't call me, you should have never gotten involved with a man that wears a badge, our relationship is going to be a 'catch as catch can' until further notice type of man? Right now I'm so angry I want to call him, but I know he won't answer so I'd have to email him and tell him to return my keyes to my home, car and storage unit, pay me back the money he owes me .

 

As I sit here and write this I feel like I was in a car wreck, I hurt so much. I just want to stay in bed and cry. I love this man, he was so good to me in the beginning and we had wonderful talks, he took care of me when I was sick with such care and gentleness, we had great sex and a mutual respect for each other.

 

Why do men do this? I've proved to myself that he's a liar, a cheater and he can't get over his ex. When we first met those were the three things I told him I wasn't going to put up with. I've been there four times now, including him and I don't know if I ever want to open my heart again.

 

If anyone can help me, please let me know what to do. I'm so tired, I didn't sleep after he called me Thursday night and I stayed up all day Friday, went out with my friend and I only got 6 hours sleep last night.

[sisterlynch]

Lose the friend, she is very bad news.

 

Please don't contact this man any more, he isn't treating you like a dog, he just wants his space. You can't force your love on people, they need to come looking for it.

 

He wants his wife, his daughter and his freedom.

 

He has made that very clear to you.

[dextro]

It may sounds cruel but I must agree with sisterlynch, you can't force people to love you they need to come; let it go. He already made up his mind, he choose his kid, ex wife and his freedom.

 

Jeff l. Spiegel

[natash24]

I am so sorry to hear all the heartache that you have gone through. I can't imagine how hard it must be but from reading your post i think that the best thing for you to do is move on. This man seems to be very manipulative and I think you are better off without him. He is inconsiderate and does not care for you like you deserve and despite the fact that he treated you well in the beginning he totally has violated your trust with all the insensitive things he's done to you. he keeps on putting you on hold for everything else that comes in his life and you deserve so much better than that. I hope you realize this and I know you will find the strength in you to move on. There are better quality men out there and I am sure if you look for the right ones, the ones that take their time and don't promise you the moon and stars right away ( in which I think you should be a bit suspiciose becuase that is not how a stable relationship is built). Anyways do what you can but I tell you to look at things from an outsiders persepctive and try not to be blinded by love. Hopefully seeing things in the bright light and clearly will make you realize you are a great gal and someone who deserves much better than anything he could offer which let's lace it hasn't been much. Best of luck to you

[cruisin]

Dear Nannie2003,

 

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, and believe me, I know exactly how you feel because I have been there, almost in the exact same situation. Although you are likely not to believe me now, please listen to what I have to say. My hope is that it'll help you to get out of this situation and your heartache sooner than I did.

 

You asked how someone can go from a "loving, caring, supportive" person to someone who totally turns his back on you in a cruel and heartless way. The answer is, and I know you may not believe it, but this fellow was NEVER, EVER, EVER a loving, caring, supportive person. However, he did and can do and will continue to do an impression of such a person, and his performance will be worthy of an Emmy.

 

Please, please believe me because it took me 5 years to realize this, 5 years of seeing the same guy to it twice to me and learning he had done it many times to his ex-wife and once to the girl he is now setting up with. It is a chain and it doesn't end because it is never about YOU, the person he is currently with. It is about him and his sickness.

 

From my experience I still don't know if it is something people do intentionally or deliberately or just something that clicks in their head and they go into a kind of temporary insanity and do it. Whatever the case, it doesn't really matter, because the end result is the same. You will be hurt. He is not hurt. I stayed with this guy through thick and thin, big-time thick and thin, because I thought his problems were related to things outside of him, his situation, his environment etc. etc. etc. But I see now that they're not and I'm not just saying this to make myself feel better. He will always be like that.

 

I hear him talking about the new girl he is taking up with, the one he dropped me for, and though, in the initial shock of it, I started to blame myself and think she may be good for him, I got a hold of myself and really listened to him. There is no mention of love or affection even for this girl. I was on the receiving end of the same thing she is now and you were, the promises of marriage and happiness and how very very much he loved me. But something even then was making me doubt (the fact that he had dumped me to go back to his ex once before and then came back to me when she dumped him) but man, oh man, was he ever convincing. But he couldn't maintain it, couldn't maintain the convincing act because, after all, it was an act. Though I stayed with him, it was hell because I knew he didn't really care for me. But I attributed it to his stress and divorce and all sorts of things, but never to the fact that he just can't truly love a person.

 

And now he's doing it again. Guys like this are sick but nothing is going to change them. They can continue and probably will be able to continue when they find a woman willing to be abused over and over again. This guy's first wife was unable to get out of the relationship for 17 years despite his leaving her numerous times, running off with others when she was pregnant even and things like that.

 

So really, what it comes down to is, is this what you want in life, Nannie2003? Is this the kind of guy you want to expend your love on? Your love is a very valuable thing and not to be squandered on just anyone. I'm afraid our upbringings may teach us to give and give and spread love and that is a good thing. But remember, there are degrees of love and caring. There is the compassion you can show for a stranger on the street and then there is the compassion you can show for someone who would lay his life down for you. Learn to distinguish between people and then respond appropriately.

 

It's something I'm finally figuring out myself and let me tell you, your love is needed by a lot of very worthy people. This guy is NOT one of them.

[libra77]

I am sorry to say this, but it sounds like he is still married, no ex, they may have gone away on a trip or something or he just moved into your area when you first met and know his family is joining him after they settled things where they once lived. You may have been a "fill in" while he was there on his own. If I am wrong, either way you deserve someone better. who will want to be with you and love you and not treat like a doormat. You should just forget about this jerk and find a really caring and nice guy. They are out there just be patient and enjoy your life and it will come..... one day. Good luck and stay strong.