young in a controlling relationship-need help

[Imagine_it65]

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 8 months, but I am starting to feel he's making attempts at controlling me. He asks questions like, "Will you love me forever?" "You promise?" not once but ten to twenty times a day. He tries to guilt me for cutting a phone conversation short because something else demands my attention. When he hears of things like me dancing or talking with other guys, he jumps to conclusions and demands the details of the encounter. I googled "controlling relationships" and found a description that seemed to fit my case perfectly:

 

"Jealousy is an expression of insecurity that your partner has in him or herself and it has nothing to do with you personally. Unless you give your lover good reason to feel jealous, there is no right reason for them to take their insecurities out on you and you should talk to them about it early in the relationship before it gets out of control."

 

I have never given him a reason to be jealous, and I have a very faithful and loving nature. He doesn't want us to hang out with our friends much anymore (we have the same circle of friends). And when the possibility of a friendly get together between me and a few friends arises, if any are males going to be present he attempts to discourge our meeting. He tries to prevent me from going on vacations or going out at night, and when questioned about his jealous nature he claims its only out of love for me and a desire to protect me.

 

I love this guy alot and would rather fix our relationship than cast him aside. I need help. Please help.

[sweetchick]

He dont sound "controlling" to me, Just jealous!!! Controlling involves alot more. Just talk to him about it and tell him how you feel!

[Hope75]

I disagree. He does sound controlling and this can escalate to dangerous behaviour.

 

He has no business telling you not to go out or talk to other men. You have given him no reason to suspect you of being unfaithful.

 

His excuse that he is doing this out of love is the classic excuse and I don't buy it for 1 second.

 

From experience I can tell you that men like this don't change. I know you want to fix this but I have serious doubts that you can. You can tell him that you are going to go out if you want with whom you want and talk with whomever you want and if he can't accept that then he needs to leave.

 

Personally, I wouldn't even waste my breath, I'd leave.

[OmegaMan]

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 8 months, but I am starting to feel he's making attempts at controlling me. He asks questions like, "Will you love me forever?" "You promise?" not once but ten to twenty times a day. He tries to guilt me for cutting a phone conversation short because something else demands my attention. When he hears of things like me dancing or talking with other guys, he jumps to conclusions and demands the details of the encounter. I googled "controlling relationships" and found a description that seemed to fit my case perfectly:

 

I agree with imagine, this guy is insecure and controlling. Twenty times a day? Does he realise he's doing it? Does he realise how unattractive this is, how clingy it is?

 

I have never given him a reason to be jealous, and I have a very faithful and loving nature. He doesn't want us to hang out with our friends much anymore (we have the same circle of friends). And when the possibility of a friendly get together between me and a few friends arises, if any are males going to be present he attempts to discourge our meeting. He tries to prevent me from going on vacations or going out at night, and when questioned about his jealous nature he claims its only out of love for me and a desire to protect me.

 

Well that's what he says.

 

Okay. Listen to me. That's a load of you-know-what. That's just a way of saying: "I am controlling you and I'm jealous but I'm trying to cover it up with something positive, like love." That's pure nonsense. Woah, this guy is disconnected from reality, or completely blind with affective illusions. Does this guy really believes he is being some kind of superhero in this? Don't buy that stuff, if someone loves someone else they at least allow them to keep the most cherished thing on this earth: FREEDOM. Just tell him that, he's got absolutely no goddamn word to prevent you from doing what you like, that's one of your rights.

 

These kind of sneaky manipulators really piss me off. No offense, but from what I know, this sounds like a skilled manipulator.

 

Omega

[JynX]

He does sound controlling and jealous. It may be just jealousy right now, but with time, it could turn into something more dangerous. I've seen things like this happen...the endings weren't your usual "happily after". You care about him, but think about yourself first. Do you deserve to always have someone who constantly tries to control your life and tell you who you can and cant see? Of course not. He sounds like an insecure guy. Maybe thats why he asks you if you'll love him forever so much, he needs to hear it to be sure. Any good relationship has one thing that both partners need: freedom. It sounds like he's not giving you yours. I'd try to talk to him about this, and if things dont improve or he doesnt change, I'd leave.

 

JyNx

[Imagine_it65]

this is my first time posting here, and I'm really greatfull for all the helpful advice I've recived within only a few hours. Thank you!

-Imagine_it65

[Hope75]

What are you planning to do about your bf?

[greenie35]

It is simply no good. My ex-boyfriend resorted to calling me names: wh**e, sl*t. Accused me of flirting with every man I talked to...etc..etc...basically demeaned me to the point where I actually started to believe what he was saying...playing defense is tiring. Yeah I would definitely tell him that the jealousy is pushing you away from him...not making you feel safe.

[Imagine_it65]

In response to Hope75:

 

Shortly after recieving a few comments in response to my post, I had a phone conversation with him. He started up questions about my recent trip to Orlando (who I was with, what I was doing). I confronted him about his insecure behavoir, and I attempted to keep it from sounding like I was accusing him. He actually seemed to realize what I was saying and appologised "for hurting me in anyway". This makes me hopeful for the future, but I realize it's easier for people to apologise for their actions than to actually change their ways.

-Imagine_it65

[Hope75]

Imagine,

 

If you think he can stop this behaviour then more power to you. I think it is good that you called him on it and that he acknowledged this a nd made an effort to apologize. Each time he pulls this, call him on it, and see what happens.

[OmegaMan]

If you think he can stop this behaviour then more power to you. I think it is good that you called him on it and that he acknowledged this a nd made an effort to apologize. Each time he pulls this, call him on it, and see what happens.

 

Oh yes, I agree, wise words, wise words indeed.

 

You know have a weapon of your own: awareness. As long as you are aware of what he is trying, you're going to make things much harder for him to manipulate you.

 

Be careful about quick excuses. From what I know, those people seldom, very seldom change. It's like violent husbands who beat their wives and say how they're sorry and that they love them. It's all a big charade.

 

Omega Man