Feeling blue

[Bluegirl]

Hi,

 

I've been reading other people's threads for a few weeks now and it really does help to see that I'm not the only one going through this but at the same time I decided to write my own because everyone's relationships are uniquely different.

 

I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years. We didn't live together but spent a huge amount of time together, he was my best friend and we were a great couple, very happy and very much in love. At the same time, I didn't give up my own independance, my own friends etc (something I am very grateful for now). We both wanted the same things from life and had the same goals. He wasn't great at talking about the future though, but being in love I suppose I didn't realise that this was a problem. Anyway, things were going well until last December when he said that he wasn't very happy. He had just turned 30 and I think he got freaked out about where he was in his life etc. I told him to go away and think about things and a few days later he came back and said he was miserable without me and we had a fantastic talk and we thought that what had happened would actually end up bringing us closer. Things were fine but then in January nothing seemed to have changed, he still wasn't able to think about 'our' future and I ended up being frustrated with him. We got into a row about it and he said he wanted a 'break'. Obviously I was really upset and said that a break is pretty much a break up and it wasn't a good idea. Anyway he said he needed space and we went on a 'break'. I was devastated and shocked. I'm not a fool, I have been in love before and I knew we were a very well suited couple. Anyway, initially he sent me an email and a birthday present and just seemed to be miserable and confused and then nothing. Almost a month later, out of the blue he sent me an email about giving me my stuff back. It turns out that he had started up a romance with a girl in work the week before the email. I don't think it is love or anything, I think he just took the easy road and went off with her rather than face his fears about us. This is the way he deals with big problems, he acts like they don't exist. Obviously I'm broken hearted and very let down. I loved him very much and I know he did love me but his issues consumed him and he ended up throwing away a great thing.

 

I could never get back with him, he has hurt me so much. I am very glad that I have done nothing wrong in this. All our friends believe he has made the biggest mistake and everyone is really angry with him so it helps to know that. But still, I'm very lonely and I just wanted to share my story. I know I will get over this and be okay but it's a long road and I'm frightened. I thought I had found the one for me, we both did, but now I have to start again and it's hard.

 

 

[honeyspur]

It sounds like you are very level-headed and in touch with your feelings.

I really think things are going to be ok for you. You are right - you can't go back to him and you should be gentle with yourself. Good luck and keep posting!

[shavski]

wow, you are a very perceptive person, i usualli dont look at the ex relationship posts, but you seem like a very 'as b4 person said' 'even handed person'. This is a major benefit for you, as you will find someone really special soon! Thanks for sharing your story! and stick to that road, there'll be something better than last time waiting at the end!

[Bluegirl]

Thanks for that girls, it's nice to hear! Believe me, it's taken a while to get to the point where i think I'm going to be okay. I have had a lot of sleepless nights and I've lost a bit of weight but finally I'm starting to feel like eating and socialising a bit again. I definitely think that looking at this site has helped. I think there is a tendency in all of us to believe that 'our love' was the greatest and no one could have possibily experienced what we have but then you read all the stories and see the same pattern over and over again.

 

Relationships ending is terribly sad but there is a right way and a wrong way to do it. I know I have to cry for all the memories and also cry for all the things that I thought we'd have and do together. I know he's not doing that and I imagine that one day he might get a fright when he realises that he hasn't vaguely even begun to deal with our breakup and it will hit him like a ton of bricks. Deep down (despite his dreadful behaviour) he's a very emotional person and I know that he has wrapped all of this up in a box labeled 'Do not touch'. But life doesn't work that way and someday it will all come pouring out. I just hope he leaves me alone when that happens and deals with it himself. I think the only blessing in all of this is that he isn't contacting me at all and I'm not contacting him. I have asked our mutual friends not to tell me anymore about what he's up to because what's the point? I can't let his behaviour effect me anymore. Obviously I'd love to hear that his new romance is a total disaster etc etc but I kind of realise now that what good will that do me? Give me hope? No, I don't want to hope because it would be the wrong thing to do to get back with him. He has ruined a wonderfully romantic and happy relationship, it can't be fixed. I have to move on and be happy on my own for a while.

 

Can't wait until I am happy again!!

[honeyspur]

Amen, sistah!

It is so hard to realize we love those with inner turmoil.

I assure you though, he is just as consumed with it as you are, even though he seems "occupied". The reality is we can't escape our own head, but we can sure plaster on a good poker face! I think men are the masters of this because of our expectations on them as a society.

The satisfaction you can feel out of this is allowing yourself to believe the transparency - not vengeful thoughts about his new fling. Don't poison yourself with vengeance - just let your instincts come forward.

 

I commend you for your honesty - it takes guts to cut off ties.

[loveseeker]

Bluegirl!

 

You're so doing the right thing and staying true to your emotions at the same time. You accept that you have been wronged and know that you can't be with the person who's done this to you: without bitterness, you're facing your feelings and allowing yourself to move on.

 

Don't be scared about the future. The way you're handling the present is so good that it will stand you in good stead. No one can promise that your next relationship will be with someone who's more worthy of you, but you've proven that you won't stick around to be mistreated by someone who isn't.

 

I think that's great! I'm just so sorry that you've gone through all this pain and I really hope that it ends soon, so that you can be happy. You deserve it.

 

My situation is quite similar--the one became not the one and I'm still coping with the shock and disappointment. I ended the relationship, which I know is the right thing to do, but it hurts. Like you, I feel like I'm doing the best thing for myself and that things will be okay in the longterm. It's just the short-term that worries me...

 

Take care.

[Bluegirl]

Thanks Loveseeker,

 

It's so lovely to see those messages of support. I know that you went through a very tough time with your ex and his 'issues'. I saw you made the same point again and again and it was a very valid you: You are not his therapist. My own ex had some family issues which I think probably affected him more than we both realised. Unfortunately, being women, we can spend hours trying to work out where men are coming from, why they are behaving in a certain way etc and I have no doubt that I excused him alot due to the fact that his family was a bit dysfunctional. I bet I wouldn't have got the same understanding if the shoe was on the other foot. I spent hours reviewing our relationship when we went on our 'break', trying to find the reason for this actions etc and it wasn't until he went off with someone else (who by the way I would equate to a bottle of vodka, someone just to help get through the mess of a break-up) that I stopped trying to justify his actions. He made such a silly silly choice by doing that because I was willing to stay in the relationship up until that point. I would have done an awful lot to save it but he crossed a line that is unacceptable. The ironic thing, and I think it's definitely true for you too, is that we were the better package in the relationship! ! They were the ones with the 'issues', we were there, full of love, wanting things to work. I remember one night I came home very upset and my father said a wonderful thing to me. He said 'you did nothing wrong, you just loved someone very much'. It has given me such peace because I know that I have the capacity to give and receive love and in the long term I'll be okay. I don't know if our exes will be as lucky....

[loveseeker]

You're so right about us being the 'better package' in our past relationships. R admitted as much to me a couple of times before we broke up (and since the split, as well): I'm beginning to believe it myself, now.

 

Like you, I'm no fool and recognise love when I find it. It's not something to be treated glibbly; we both know this. Unfortunately, somewhere down the line (and it sounds like this was the case with your ex, too), love did battle with selfishness and selfishness won. In the case of my ex, he was a complete fantasist and--no doubt like yours--will find solace in the most meaningless of sentiments.

 

All mine needed to do was fight for me: not that hard, considering how much rope I was willing to give him (like you). Instead, he's chosen fear and indecision. Yours has chosen a 'bottle of vodka' in human form. They're hardly great ways of resolving the deep crisis that led to their relationships falling apart. And meanwhile, despite the unbearable pain that we are both in, we both know with absolute certainty that we are for real and deserve somebody great, who would never even dream of crossing lines and causing pain--let alone be capable of it...

 

Anyway, I think you're great and that's just from reading a couple of posts!

[shuz]

I surely hope we all get through this together - us = exes who were too good and never gave up on love even when things become rough. But everything said in this thread is 100% correct: we did not do anything wrong except to give our very best and love our very hardest.

 

Like your ex bluegirl, mine found solace in a "bottle of vodka" too. And I know each day he is regretting replacing me with a bottle of vodka and a whole lot of "I don't know what I want to do with life" crap. But if he's not man enough to face the problems but is a coward to walk away instead, then I'll be the bigger person here to let him go and make his mistakes while knowing that I gave it my all.