One year on...I miss him?

[Loverosie]

Me and my ex broke up April last year, I broke up with him just a couple of days after my 21st birthday. I had broken up with him once before, throughout the 2.5 year relationship I had many doubts. Even though he treated me well and was a genuine nice guy, although he had done some things to upset me, such as ruining important events for me. When I broke up with him I felt sure it was the right thing to do, even though it was extremely hard, especially when he put his hand on my leg and I had to push him away. It must of seemed so sudden to him.

 

I suffer chronic pain, anxiety and low moods, which I feel effected the relationship for me, I literally over thought everything to the point where I'd google signs of a unhappy relationship. I was at a low point when I broke up with him, unhappy in my job and within myself, I felt as though I forget who I was when I was in the relationship and just wanted to become single. From the day I broke up with him he blocked me on all social media, as well as his family, he cut me dead, which was the hardest part and still is. He got with a new girl just two months after we split, he's doing long distance and she looks so similar to me! A few months back I was unblocked on whatsapp and Instagram but not Facebook. Since this I can't stop checking his Instagram and looking at the pictures of him and his new gf.

 

I texted him a few weeks ago saying I wished him well as I didn't say it and felt guilty for this, he then looked at my Instagram story shortly after. Since we split up I have grown by myself, new car, dream job, learning how to be independent as I lost my independence when I was with him, he'd do everything for me. Everyday I think of him, what he's doing, how he is, does he think about me, what would happen if I bumped in to him and how now we only work 4 mins down the road from each other.

 

I keep thinking of memories we had, wishing I could be back with him and tell him everything about my day like I used to do. I've had a couple of dates since we split and I'm on online dating but I just feel disinterested, like no one will match up to him, be as understanding as him to my chronic pain etc. I don't know why I'm putting him on a pedestal now when I never did when I was with him. I feel that sometimes maybe the relationship was right but I ruined it by my anxiety and over thinking.

 

Sorry for the long post, feels good to get it off my chest it's eating away at me everyday.

[Nano]

Sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got until you let it go. Maybe this is something you can grow from and better yourself.

 

You are definitely putting him on a pedestal now because you’ve forgotten all the bad parts... your brain is trying to shield you so it gets rid of the miserable parts.

 

Have you seen 500 days of summer? You ever noticed why the guy can’t move on and never will? It’s because he somehow became convinced that’s she’s his soulmate and he’ll never find anyone like her. Don’t fall there. This isn’t the truth... there will be other men who are even much better for you, but you’re not doing anything to meet them.

[Loverosie]

You're right, I took him for granted too. But I always felt something was missing.

This is quite personal but we never had sex, that's not normal is it?

 

No I haven't seen it, but I can imagine how that can happen. I don't know how to move on, I'm talking with guys but it doesn't really go anywhere.

[Nano]

Well then past you felt that way for a good reason, you need to validate your past feelings too even if you no longer feel that way but back then you just weren’t convinced the relationship was working out.

 

Is not having sex not normal? To who? We all have different beliefs and opinions about sex and only you should decide what’s normal for you. There are men I dated and loved without having sex because I was younger and not ready. Sometimes sex makes it even harder to get over a breakup.

 

Why not? Do you go on dates with them or just talk online? Maybe you gotta push through. Is your anxiety making it harder to open up to others? Are you getting any help for it?

[Loverosie]

I guess so, I'm just tired of thinking about him. I miss the emotional support he gave me too.

 

I think it's because we were both young and in our first relationship so we were anxious of it.

 

I've been on two dates but recently I've been focusing on my new career and putting all my energy into that. But I do feel my anxiety is somewhat holding me back, I don't want to be in a situation where I'm mentally comparing a new guy to my ex. It hurts how he's been able to move on so quickly.

I'm not currently getting help, but I'm going to be.

[Nano]

I guess so, I'm just tired of thinking about him. I miss the emotional support he gave me too.

 

I think it's because we were both young and in our first relationship so we were anxious of it.

 

I've been on two dates but recently I've been focusing on my new career and putting all my energy into that. But I do feel my anxiety is somewhat holding me back, I don't want to be in a situation where I'm mentally comparing a new guy to my ex. It hurts how he's been able to move on so quickly.

I'm not currently getting help, but I'm going to be.

 

Believe me I understand. I’m 4 months post breakup and I still feel like my feelings are sucking the life out of me. It’s hard and it feels paralyzing too.

 

But you’ve to look at the facts, even if you did breakup with him he went and found a new gf so fast (my ex did the same thing.) and to me that felt so heartless and cold. Maybe it was their own way to deal with heartbreak but I felt like I was replaced so fast like he never grieved. I’m sure they did grieve but the way they did it really hurt us.

 

I don’t know about you but I felt betrayed and I don’t think I can ever get to a mental place where I can just start over new with him even if I wanted to, I’ll always feel that burn and I’ll be salty. Sometimes it’s just easier to start over again with someone new without all that hurtful history.

 

Push yourself to meet new guys and really try to make it work... you gotta leave him in the past.

[Loverosie]

I'm sorry you're going through this too. I thought after a year d be over it, but don't think I fully grieved in the first place.

 

I agree it does seem heartless and cold, it's like the relationship never mattered. I think some guys do it to avoid grieving and feeling their emotions.

 

I do feel betrayed, even though I ended it, I feel he's done wrong moving on so fast but that's his choice. I want to start looking forward and feel excited about a fresh start, I need to stop checking his social media but it's so hard not to.

[Nano]

I had to delete all my social media for a while. In fact I still don’t have Instagram because of this. I managed to block him on Facebook (he never posted on it anyway.) but just going on his page made me feel terrible.

 

It felt so much better once I forced myself to stop looking at what he’s doing. Social media is so fake too because he could be having a horrible time but he’ll neved show it online! Would you? Once I convinced myself of that it was easier to disconnect.

 

You seem like you’re such a sweet girl, and you deserve someone who is stronger even in the way he grieves, that guy is weak and oneday you’ll look back and you’ll see it.

[Loverosie]

Social media makes everything 10x worse doesn't it, I even check his new girlfriends page often which I know needs to stop.

I'm trying so hard to stop, it's almost become a habit. That is so true, everyone portrays their life as perfect on social media, the pictures I used to post of me and my ex, no one would of guessed I didn't feel truly happy.

Aw thank you, you've helped so much, honestly. I always felt that he was emotionless and could take me or leave me and clearly I was right. A colleague once told me that he's shown his true colours.

[shessofly]

What kind of treatment are you under for anxiety and depression?

[Loverosie]

Currently nothing. But going to get referred to counselling...again.

[shessofly]

My recommendation would be to focus on getting those issues under better control before resuming dating, and to stop watching his social media...but you already know the damage that's doing.

[Nano]

I think he cared for you deeply, how can he not? You seem so sweet but he was weak... weak men lead women to suffer because of their bad decisions and actions. He’ll probably do the same thing to his current gf when things get hard.

 

He’s not a bad man cause your heart wouldn’t have led you to him, he’s just not the right man for you. A strong man would help balance a woman who he loves and he sees is having trouble balancing her emotions Iike you were. He would have told you calm down, let’s fix this.

 

I also kept comparing his new gf to me (she’s the complete total opposite of me though) and that was hard but then it hit me... she’s not the miracle answer that will fix him and make him magically a better man who wants to commit. We fool ourselves and tell ourselves oh she’s much better, he’s definitely behaving better with her. Nope. He’s probably repeating his same mistakes with you with her... he took zero time to fix his issues.

[Loverosie]

Shessofly- I agree, but I feel anxiety is part of who I am , but of course I don't want it to ruin a relationship.

[Loverosie]

It's funny because I see now how much he did love and care for me, but back then I didn't feel it. He is weak with his emotions. I completely agree, and he has had no time to reflect on this himself. He was a good guy, I know that, which is why it's so hard to not hold regrets about breaking up, he'd do anything for me, I felt like I was taking him for granted.

 

That is very true. The girl my ex has gone for is so similar looking to me...his type I guess. I'm sure he still has all the insecurities he has now as he did back when he was with me.

[shessofly]

I think he cared for you deeply, how can he not? You seem so sweet but he was weak... weak men lead women to suffer because of their bad decisions and actions. He’ll probably do the same thing to his current gf when things get hard.

 

He’s not a bad man cause your heart wouldn’t have led you to him, he’s just not the right man for you. A strong man would help balance a woman who he loves and he sees is having trouble balancing her emotions Iike you were. He would have told you calm down, let’s fix this.

 

 

How is he weak? She made the decision to breakup...twice. She felt he wasn't "it" for her. That's fine that she felt that way but I'm not sure how you come to this conclusion. There's no mention of him not supporting her - in fact she states the opposite of that. When someone breaks up with you the normal response should be to move on, not coax someone out of dumping you - especially when you get into the realm of multiple breakups. I won't go further with my opinion because I understand this is a very sensitive issue for the OP, but I am trying to understand how you've turned him into the bad guy.

[shessofly]

Shessofly- I agree, but I feel anxiety is part of who I am , but of course I don't want it to ruin a relationship.

 

That may very well be the case and I realize it never "goes away" but when it's not being managed at all that's a different story entirely...

[Nano]

How is he weak? She made the decision to breakup...twice. She felt he wasn't "it" for her. That's fine that she felt that way but I'm not sure how you come to this conclusion. There's no mention of him not supporting her - in fact she states the opposite of that. When someone breaks up with you the normal response should be to move on, not coax someone out of dumping you - especially when you get into the realm of multiple breakups. I won't go further with my opinion because I understand this is a very sensitive issue for the OP, but I am trying to understand how you've turned him into the bad guy.

 

I didn’t. If you’ve read my replies I said he isn’t a bad guy at all, the weakness here is him not helping her get through the hard time she was obviously going through with her anxiety. He didn’t. He didn’t try to help reassure her when she was scared. She obviously loved him and I’m sure he saw it but his fears consumed him.

 

In life there will be hard dark times when we’ll need others to love us so hard to keep us sane and together. They’ll need to get strong for us when we are weak and help us through it.

 

Him being weak doesn’t make him a bad guy, but like I said he’s not the right guy for her especially since she struggles with anxiety.

[Loverosie]

I'm not saying his a bad guy either, he did help me with my chronic pain, anxiety on the other hand he didn't really understand. I admit before I broke it off I didn't open up enough about my mental health and that's my fault, but at the time I didn't realise how bad it was up until now. He was with me over two years, he should of known me enough to realise it was out of character for me to break it off with him so sudden with not much explanation.

 

I've made a mistake, I wish I could wind back time and be more open and make it work but he chose to move on rapidly and if someone can do that so quickly after a serious long term relationship there must be some coldness within them. He even went on holiday with her after 4 months of us breaking up, also doing the same things with her as he did with me, like he's trying to recreate the relationship,which will never happen.

[Loverosie]

That may very well be the case and I realize it never "goes away" but when it's not being managed at all that's a different story entirely...

 

I am trying. I mean I'm still getting on with my life since the break up also, I've got a new career, gained lots of confidence. Surely when your in a relationship though you shouldn't feel drained when you've been with that person, it's hard to distinguish whether the relationship was just not right therefore giving me more anxiety.

[Nano]

I am trying. I mean I'm still getting on with my life since the break up also, I've got a new career, gained lots of confidence. Surely when your in a relationship though you shouldn't feel drained when you've been with that person, it's hard to distinguish whether the relationship was just not right therefore giving me more anxiety.

 

To me it sounds like you DO manage your anxiety just fine. We all have our own demons and struggles but you seem like you know yours and you’re controlling them. Having anxiety shouldn’t stop you from dating and living your life. It sounds like you just didn’t feel safe with him and that was your gut feeling and you acted on it.

 

You both played a part in this and now you know yourself better and what you need more. My ex took his new gf on a week long ski trip a month into their relationship... same ski trip he also invited me to a week into our relationship.

 

I think we deserve more than guys who will so easily dismiss us.