About to give up here please help

[Hadouken123456]

I was with this girl for about 6 months,she was the best gf i have ever had she accepted me for who i was regardless of my unfortunate postion in life at the time and had faith in me that i was going to make something of myself.She was crazy in love with me and i felt the same for her.The relationship was great until one day we both got into a car accident together and her car was totaled.Neither one of us had a vehicle for about a month and it really put stress on our relationship because we lived so far apart.After she got her new caRe didnt come around as much as she used to and started hanging out with her friends.I was starting to get really pissed and very jealous of this,and acted irrationaly by starting to have conversations with my ex before her online.I lied to my gf, telling her that i wasnt speaking with my ex at all.The conversations i was having with my ex were harmless in nature,and i wasnt looking to cheat on my current gf at all, i was just angry that she was spending more time with her friends than me.My gf has a lot of friends who are men,some are old exes of hers that she still holds a deep friendship with so i figured i should be able to try and do the same with my ex.Problem is, my gf didnt want me talking with my ex as she felt threatened.One night my gf was supposed to come over to my house and spend the night with me.She called me and told me that she just got asked to work tonight and wouldnt be able to make it in.I was PISSED.Not thinking that she just got a new car and her insurance went up, and that she really needed the extra money,i told her that it was over between her and i for good if her job meant more to her than me.I was so stupid,but wait,it gets worse.Afetr I broke up with my gf i went over to my ex's house and hung out with her for awhile.NOTHING happened, i was still angry and looking for revenge.So my ex suggested that we go to my gf's(former) job together to make her jealous.BIG MISTAKE.I never wanted to break up with my gf in the first place, i just acted like a moron and hurt her really badly.I spoke with her pratically the next day and explained this to her, but she pushed me away and was angry.She told me that she doesnt trust me anymore and id done with me because i havent changed a bit since we first got together, i havent bettered myself.I was unemployed,no car,no plans for college and she hated that.Within one week of foolishly breaking up with her,i got a job and a car.I also got my plans for college into motion by applying for financial aid and registering for classes in the fall.My ex saw these changes in me, but still didnt trust me.So after a few weeks of coaxing i finally got her to come visit me for a talk.Before she came over i lit 180 candles all over my house for her, each one representing a day that we were together.When she first arrived she was still very angry to be there and said to me "make it quick im not staying long".I told her to close her eyes and when she opened them she instantly melted into my arms when she saw all the candles after i told her what they were for.So we danced a slow dance and layed down together in bed and talked for awhile.I admitted all the wrong things i had done to her, and what i planned to do to change them.Well we ended up having wonderful sex,and she spent the night with me.The next morning when she woke up she told me that she couldnt be my gf right now, she needed to be alone for awhile to find herself.This devastated me,but i agreed to her terms.She ended up coming over to my place at least twice a week for the next month or so to spend the night and we made love every time.Then one day she called me to inform me that she had been dating other men.I got angry again and told her to just leave me the hell alone so i can move on with my life and that i was done with her.The next morning when i arrived at work i went outside on my break and found a note on my car from her saying that she doesnt have a bf,doesnt want a bf, but still cares about me and wants to date me and other guys.Well i agreed to these terms, and we still were having sex and she was still dating other men.This has been going on now for almost three months,and im ready to date her exclusively.So i asked her if we could and she said NO....she doesnt trust me.Well i flipped out again on her and told her to go to hell and what not,said a lot of stupid things again to her.I'm just really lost here guys.I dont know what to do.I know im in love with her, but i feel as if im being used as a friend with benefits because we are having sex and she is dating other guys.I have asked her why she chooses to do theses intimate things with me and she says its because she likes me and enjoys spending time with me.She tells me the other dates she goes on are just for fun, and always in public,and that she isnt being intimate with anyone else,and makes it clear to her other dates that she doesnt want a relationship.Well after i got angry and said the stupid things to her again 2 days ago, she walked away from me and said,"you know i was going to give you another chance, but you are treating me like sh*t"I told her that i was treating her like sh*t causehe was sleeping with me and dating other men.I want so badly to be with her again, but im lost and dont know what the hell i should do from her as i have tried every romantic thing i can think of with her to win her back.Any suggestions?Sorry the post was so long, but im so in need of help with this one.

[DN]

You are blaming yourself for all of this but she has her fair share of blame as well. She knows exactly what she is putting you through and does it anyway. That's cruel and heartless - and blaming you for her bad behaviour makes it worse.

 

IMO you should tell her that you love her but will only be with her in an exclusive relationship. If she can't commit to that - walk away. This drama will continue as long as you allow it to.

 

Her saying that she was going to give you another chance is also manipulative and probably not true.

[Hadouken123456]

I have decided to go the no contact route for a couple weeks and see what happens from there.Im starting today, I'll keep everyone posted on a daily basis of my progress.And i DID say that i wanted to date her exclusively, she said no.

[Hadouken123456]

Day1=Nothing from her.Not even a phone call,which actually scares me into thinking that she never really cared about me in the first place.

[Rainz]

I understand your pain, hurt and frustration about what's happened.

 

It seems you have done as much as you possinly could to work at your relationship. There's only so much you can do and there's only so much you can take right?

 

Sounds like she's just having her cake and eating it too, at your expense.

 

I think DN gave you the right advice.

[Hadouken123456]

I WANT to agree with you guys,but i cant give up yet.Shes got 12 days left.

day 2 = nothing once again.

 

on a happy note,however,i am feeling better already just because im not spending time with her.Strange,huh?Im going over to a gf's house (friend) tonight to ease my mind and my pain.Thanks for all of your help and encouragement, every little bit helps.

[Hadouken123456]

Day 3=nothing.she signed online for about 10 mins then i just signed off myself without saying a word to her.man,this is HARD.

[coolcol]

Hadouken just to let you know am in a similar situation with my ex.

 

I have looked at every website and pdf book studying the human mind and particularly the dynamics of attraction and making yourself more atractive to your ex.

 

First things first, rule number 1........the more you appear clingy, jealous, desperate and needy the less your appeal to her will be.

 

Just telling someone how much you love them will not alter their feelings for you in any big way, how many woman or men have left partners etc even though they knew their parnters loved them....loads and loads and loads......sad fact of life...loving someone does not make that person want to be with you.....they have to want to be with you or better still love you.

 

Your ex seems a bit unsure what she wants at the moment and to pressure her into getting back with you will only serve to push her away further, as NC can also do sometimes.

NC does work, but it is a last option, you could have waited a bit first.

 

Like i said You can try the no-contact thing but in your case i doubt it will have much effect if she is seeing other men anyway.

 

The danger with no-contact (which can work under the right circumstances) which is often cited as a powerful pychological tool to give your ex time to think about you and the fact they might end up missing you enough to want to initiate contact back with you.

 

The trouble is after 14 days of NC you have no other options left but to walk away from this relationship.....or break the no contact rule yourself and appear weak, needy and insecure to her.

 

Personally if she wants to date other men and still see you for sex your position was not very strong on this one, but it still left you with an open window of opurtunity to win her back.

 

You should have just tried to not be bothered by her dating other men, by being jealous and shouting at her will not stop her doing this and will only push her further away from you. Sad fact of life...but true.

 

If you trully want this girl back, then you have to cultivate self-confidence, non-jealousy, get your sense of humour back with her, dont loose your temper or get angry ( aBIG no-no!), in short let her see you as a desirable man who is a great and fun guy to be with.

 

If she was to fall back in love with you and could get everything out of a relationship she needed, sex ,romance, fun, and eventually contentment and happiness then she wouldnt need to date other men would she?

 

This is hard my friend but to win the game of getting her back you must first understand the rules of female attraction!

Writting poetry sending flowers dont work long term, she will just get bored of it all.

 

A woman will never look you over and tally you up on your positive qualities, and then decide that she wants you.

Thats not how it works, she wants you because of behaviors you exibit that inspire her attraction at a primal level.

 

Later on she will back this image up of you to friends and family with logic and positive pictures in her mind.

 

But if you come accross as insecure jealous and desperate she will run a mile.

Love is a drug and very addictive....woman and men cant wait till their next fix when they fall in love and start seeing eachother.

You could have used your time with her wisely and dated her in such a way that she would become addicted to you and in time would have not needed to go out dating other men to get this buzz from being with them.

 

You have to win her heart back and unfortunately its one of the hardest things to do to a woman who left you or fell out of love with you. Your chances of success could be low or high...you never really know....but if you want someone bad enough, dont just give up without a fight.

 

You needed a long term plan and alot of self control....

 

I know many on this forum just advocate NC....which may be fine and PROPER under certain circumstances but not yours i feel....maybe you are expecting her to come running back to you.....but from what you have described i dont think she will.....but its your shout.

 

If you carry on the no-contact and she rings....well done!, play it really really cool.....no silly behaviour, date her and traet her like a queen but dont smoother her!...... but if she doesnt ring you....then what?

At least when you were seeing her you could have used that time to show her you are strong and confident and that you would be a fine person to be with......in time she more than likely would have stopped dating other men anyway.

 

In the end you want this girl for yourself....sadly in order for this to happen.....she will have to have the same feelings for you...which at present she doesnt.....so the NC rule here might fail.

 

You needed to address the issue with her and maybe take things slowly....give her some space but dont live your life in limbo...get out enjoy yourself, try not to live your life aound her....if you dont like the idea she was dating other men then move on.......but in the end it all depends on how much you wanted her, and if you could have the self-control to date her under such circumstances.....not many men could. But in time amd if you played your cards right you might have won her heart back.

 

afetr 10 weeks of being split with my ex...we are seeing eachother 3-4 times aweek and starting to talk about a new and better future without our old problems.........it will take a lot of effort and time but its working.

 

Give her a ring and tell her you have been away and that you want to take her for a drink and chat.

Remember the rules and play by them and you could win her back.....

 

You have to WIN her back not demand/pressure herback....just remember that............Colin.

 

Good luck!

[Hadouken123456]

Wow,it seems like i may have been going about this the wrong way since day 1 of breaking up with her.All i have tried to do do is pressure her with ultimatums and constant dates.Colin,your words are so insightful and fill me with great joy...and fear.I took your advice and called her cell.Her voicemail answered because she was in class atm but she gets out at 5pm.I basically left a message saying that I've been going about this whole situation all wrong and would like to see her over coffee to just talk without arguing or ultimatums and pressure.I'm going to date her on her terms....if it isnt too late,without the petty jealousy or constant whining/pressure.Im keeping my fingers crossed and if i DO get to see her, im going to do my best to control my emotions no matter WHAT she says and STICK to it from now on.A half hour or so to go till she gets out of class.....waiting sucks.

[Hadouken123456]

Holy CRAP.Colin,you hit the nail square on the head with my ex.She called back around 7:30 pm,but I had fallen asleep. When I woke up, I had a voicemail from her me.I was looking for u,give me a call when you get a chance.".I called her back around 10pm and we talked for a couple HOURS.It was a very nice conversation too.She asked me what I had been doing to keep myself busy and told her that I was back on my meds fully now,seeing professional help to deal with my anger management issues,and studying for college.We laughed and joked around for a bit,just talking about random things.I told her that I had been studying astrology (shes totally into it and I never had shown any interest before when I was with her),and she quizzed me to see if I was lying.She seemed really happy to talk to me again and really impressed that I had been keeping myself busy too.Towards the end of the conversation,she said she was getting tired and had to go to the shop to get her car worked on in the morning.So I told her thats cool and all and to have a goodnight.She wouldnt just let me hang up, the next words out of her mouth were,"So how is your girlfriend doing?".Without hesitation,I played around with her a bit and said,"Oh shes doing well, she's had some emotional issues going on with her parents lately,but we are happy."She went silent for a bit,and then I said to her,"Did you seriously think for a minute that the reason why I avoided contact with you for a week was so i could hook up with another girl?I just needed to find myself before I was ready to find YOU."She kind of gave a sigh of relief and called me a peckerhead and laughed.So, feeling good about the situation,I took a brave step and asked her out for coffee tomorrow morning.She said possibly,shes got a lot to do.Now,before I would have gotten really pissed off at her saying this.But I kept my cool and acted like it wasn't a big deal and said,"Okay,that's cool.I'll be home studying for college in the morning and I have to head into town later anyways.If you change your mind,give me a call.".She went quiet again and said,"Wow,you are different."So we said our goodnights,after she threw in a lot of sexual references and suggestions at me (very odd),and it was a great conversation.Probably one of the best we have ever had.

Now I'm afraid of seeing her tomorrow and screwing up again.Any advice?Suggestions?Things she may say and how I should react?Things I should say to her?Hopefully, you guys can give me a hand here.I just wanted to thank everyone for their input on this situation,and here's hoping that everything turns out for the best for her and I,and everyone else on these forums who is having the same issues I am.Cheers!