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Just finished exchange semester: need advice

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My story is a little bit complicated, but please bear with me. Hopefully somebody can give me some advice.


So I was an exchange student in the US from July until January. I got off to a pretty rocky start, I was with a family that was a little messed up. They eventually got rid of me by accusing me of things I didn’t do, but that’s beside the point really. Fortunately, a great family was willing to take me in and from there, things started looking up. I met some great people and had a great time overall. I guess we had some cultural differences, that lead to some misunderstandings. I might have said some things that were offensive to them. Over the months, I got the impression that I was being looked down upon. I can’t really say anymore if I was right or if it was my paranoia about these things going through with me. Anyway, there was a girl in said group of people that I had a pretty big crush on. I now realize that I was being a **** to her, because that’s just what I do when I like people too much and when I’m too scared to admit it. Like I implied before, I wasn’t always treated nicely either, but I guess I really did deserve that. Eventually I just got really mad at said group of people, both for treating myself with condescendence (or so I thought) and for treating a mentally unstable friend of mine pretty badly (that part I still think I was right about). I could have brought all this up in a sober way, but I completely lost my cool and basically told them to **** off over text (which, admittedly, makes me even more of a coward). Fast forward a couple of months, during which I had a pretty decent time hanging out with other friends, I got pretty sick during winter break and just lost all my motivation to stay in the US. I wasn’t even really homesick, just exhausted: My host family’s schedule was a lot busier than my family’s at home, I just couldn’t see myself doing that for another four months. And so I made a relatively “spontaneous” decision to just throw in the towel and go home. Of course I was happy to be back to my family and friends, but there’s a lot of things about my 6 months in the US that I won’t forget very soon.


I guess the main “thing” being that girl I mentioned. Even though I reflexively avoided writing much about her, she really is what this is all about. Pushing her away instead of fessing up to the feelings I had for her was really what caused all this mess in the first place. I have obviously blocked her on all social media after my tantrum. The moment I left the US she basically became a person I lost forever because of my pettiness. Even if she did ever like me in any way, I wouldn’t blame her for hating me now. I honestly hate myself too.


Anyway, if you’re still reading at this point, you must be a very patient person and I thank you for reading. If you have any advice for me at all, feel free to comment. It would mean a lot to me.

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