B/U 6months ago, on and off contact, will he come back?

[AllisonK27]

I finally decided that I need to join one of these forums and that I need help. I am always googling no contact and how to get over someone and I’m worried to be judged because the has been going on for a while.

 

Long story short, I dated and lived with my boss for a little over a year. (Already a red flag to date your boss, I’m sure.) He insisted that we keep our relationship a secret because he wants to move up and get a promotion in the career. I was okay with it at first because being a secret was exciting. I won’t state the industry but he is a shift manager and I was a part time employee. I also needed to go to college for 3 short courses to get the job. That is where he met. I already worked where he worked, just in a different department and I didn’t know him. So we did the teacher/student secret dating and then I got the job and we did the boss/employee secret dating. Very quickly I became not okay with this and it became the subject of (in my opinion) every single fight. It blossomed into this umbrella issue for other issues. Also, for the class following the one I took where I met him, a supervisor taught that one, started dating a student who got hired and got her pregnant. There were several other supervisor/employee relationships in the workplace. I began to feel so much resent toward those people. Because i felt like I was watching everyone else move forward with their relationships while I was told we had to hide ours. In his defense his position is higher than theirs and he always said it was much different. But it hurt me so much. He also dated an employee before me openly (long term) and whenever I argued that point he argued “she moved here with him and his boss knew from the start.” Anyway we said we were “soulmates” and had all those feelings but I felt like we couldn’t move forward as a secret and I constantly struggled with it. I didn’t want to quit my job because it was the best job financially that I have ever had, even just working part time. And I thought it wasn’t fair that I went to school and worked for this, why can’t he just go to Human Resources with me and let us disclose our relationship. I guess we were all over the place. We were house shopping for a few months at the time when we broke up. (So yeah here is where the thought enters- what are you going to do, have a secret house?) Anytime after the first few months that I brought up being a secret he would get extremely mad at me and what should have been a discussion where he made me feel better, didn’t occur. I felt left out in life and always alone because he would go out with co workers and id he left alone. And I worked with mostly guys so he would get mad when any of them would ask me to hang out. I said this would be short and it’s dragging on sorry, I hope I get some help even though it’s a lot to read.

 

In July (2017) we had another huge fight, he was at work and I was at our apartment (his name only on the lease) and he texted me and told me to find somewhere else to live- and that’s often what he would tell me. So I felt like I was always living unstably. One night a month prior I slept in my car with my dog. We had “officially” broken up in June over something I thought was stupid. So after a month longer of living my life in secret when we weren’t even “together” -I finally took his “move out” words seriously. (Any time during this month when I would bring up being a secret he would say- “well we’re not even together now so the secret thing doesn’t matter”) and I just felt like poop when he says that because here I am still living this secret life and for what?? Anyway I didn’t know what to do, I needed help. I called my mom and she told me to move back home. So I packed my car with the essentials and whatever else I could fit, took my dog and all her toys and beds and I left. I didn’t even answer his text. I ran into him on my last trip out the door because I forgot all my shorts and it was summer. Anyway that was a Sunday that I left. I think July 16, 2017. 3 days later on Tuesday he texted me apologizing and saying he loves me and never meant it to get that bad. I caved and we talked. Now it’s January 4, 2018. We have been doing this talking then fighting and not talking (his decision) thing the entire time since the break up. And it is completely draining me. We have huge blow up fights. We block each other on Facebook and the phone. And then I believe it his he more than I, he emails me and wants to talk and we begin all over.

 

In October he wanted me to come down- we live in different states- to look at some houses before he buys one to make sure I like it. He said “in case we get back together, I don’t want to resent my house if you don’t like it.” So I went down to check out townhouses while he was at work. Every realtor I met at these offices thought I was his girlfriend. He had told them that he can’t make a decision until his girlfriend sees them. So it was like draining for me to play along also and pretend I’m his girlfriend when I’m not, because that’s what I want.

 

Anyway on and off fighting still going on, then another specific instance, we’re fighting and we “agree” to not talk until December 14. Then we have another fight before that silent period initiates and he tells me to move on. Which I forgot to mention, he is often telling me to move on only to re enter my life soon after. Anyway, so I begin counting the days and thinking I’ll never hear from him again. I unblocked him on Facebook, then a day or two (I forget) later he likes a photo of mine that is public and then he sends me a “hey” message and we begin talking. I will admit I was not friendly at first and I told him because if I messaged him on the 13 when we agreed on the 14th that he would have gone off on me. Anyway we have a rocky beginning to that “reconnection.” Within a week I’ve got him texting me first every day. He went home for the holidays, and even called me on Christmas Eve. (He was having a bad time with his dad and brother.) So those few days he’s very lovey sending me the kissy face emoji, said “merry Christmas love” and texted me “thinking of you”- which is something we used to send each other as “toy.” I work in a school so I was off for winter break and so on December 26 I asked him if I could come visit him since I’m off. Turned into a fight, somehow. He said he’ll think about it and let me know in the morning. Morning comes and he tells me that we need to move on and I can’t come see him. Begin next huge blow up. I felt so angry and hurt that we had been talking for six months and now that we have the chance to see each other for a few days I get told to move on. His reasoning was “we fight.” Also when he comes back into my life he say “I miss you.” I know that he has never said “move back.” He’s a very stubborn person and I just don’t know anymore. But I have made it clear since the beginning that I don’t want to talk if it’s as friends. He had said that also.

 

So I’m on day 8 of no contact. It’s hard. I was terribly sad the first few days. It was hard not having work because work helps to distract me. But I WANT to hear from him. And I don’t know if I should expect to never hear from him again. When we fight I always think “wow this is the biggest fight ever and I won’t hear from him again” but then I do. The longest we’ve ever gone without talking is 10 days. But during that period, on day 7 he began emailing me. I ignored him for 3 days. Now I don’t know if I’ll ever hear from him again..

 

Sorry that was so long. One of my best friends who is always so kind and is there for me... was there for m again tonight. But I don’t want to keep burdening her.

[Starlight925]

Wow, one of the most toxic relationships I've ever read on this board.

 

You need to move on from him. You may need professional help in doing so.

[AllisonK27]

Thanks for reading all that. I’ve been afraid of that reality for a while. It’s hard for me to let go especially when he keeps coming back because I’m not over it at all.

[Starlight925]

There's only one reason he keeps coming back, putting you in a constant state of anxiety:

You allow him.

 

He's awful. We could try to analyze him all day long, but insisting on keeping you a secret was the first thing that should have caused you to leave him.

 

So now, you have to ask yourself: what is going on with you, your self-esteem, maybe from your childhood, that allows you to be treated this way?

[claremoroney1]

Have a look on the website ‘ex boyfriend recovery’ there’s some tips on there which can either help you move on or win him back, try a 30 day no contact which I’m currently doing myself which I hear is very effective, maybe he just needs to realise your worth and because you keep going back so easily he’s in control, he needs to feel like he’s lost you, you need to raise the stakes for him to books his ideas up because right now it comes across that if he wanted you he could have you, it’s too easy for him you need to cut contact and it may even make him realise how much you actually mean to him

[MeiLa]

It’s time for you to move on! The first red flag was wanting to keep you a secret. YOU ARE THE PRIZE. You are no ones secret. As long as you allow him to enter and exit like a revolving door, he will. This is toxic and emotionally draining. LEAVE!

[MeiLa]

Have a look on the website ‘ex boyfriend recovery’ there’s some tips on there which can either help you move on or win him back, try a 30 day no contact which I’m currently doing myself which I hear is very effective, maybe he just needs to realise your worth and because you keep going back so easily he’s in control, he needs to feel like he’s lost you, you need to raise the stakes for him to books his ideas up because right now it comes across that if he wanted you he could have you, it’s too easy for him you need to cut contact and it may even make him realise how much you actually mean to him

 

She needs more than 30 days NC. Please she needs to leave him ALONE!

[AllisonK27]

I haven’t been on here in a while but thank you. I’m on I think day 17 of no contact. It’s a little strange because we have never gone more than ten days. I usually think it’s not over and that he’ll be back. This time I feel a little differently. I wonder why. And I obviously have no idea (ever) of what is in his head. Sometimes I think I feel differently because I’ve finally reached my breaking point with him. But who knows. I know that if he were to reach out to me I wouldn’t be strong enough to straight out ignore him. It would take effort. And the fact that it would require effort shows me it’s better that he’s not reaching out. I’ve had a few weak moments where I have wanted to contact him but, thankfully, I didn’t. I’m tired of it. I miss him but that doesn’t change things. Time will tell I guess. Break ups are interesting for sure :/

 

In response to me needing more than 30 days of no contact, I completely agree. My goal is 100 days. I’m rewarding myself every 8 or 9 days to keep myself motivated. And since I’m at 17ish- it’s been since December 28- I am not worried that I will break it. I am not willing to start at zero again. AND if we ever do talk again, I don’t plan on being the one to reach out.

[Everlong13]

You are better off out of this. He sounds very selfish

[AllisonK27]

Have a look on the website ‘ex boyfriend recovery’ there’s some tips on there which can either help you move on or win him back, try a 30 day no contact which I’m currently doing myself which I hear is very effective, maybe he just needs to realise your worth and because you keep going back so easily he’s in control, he needs to feel like he’s lost you, you need to raise the stakes for him to books his ideas up because right now it comes across that if he wanted you he could have you, it’s too easy for him you need to cut contact and it may even make him realise how much you actually mean to him

 

How far are you into no contact and how has it been going?

[lark265]

Allison, it sounds like you've come to some place of peace where you have fought through those very difficult first couple weeks of NC.................................congratulations!!!